Jump to content

KaylaJoy

Silver Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    427

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by KaylaJoy

  1. KaylaJoy
    Day 19, no contact with Mark, but have talked to several members of his family, as I am close to them. I wish he cared. I wish he wanted to be my friend. I wish he wanted to be my boyfriend. I wish I could count on him. I wish he could be something he is not. Today was a rough day all the way around!
  2. KaylaJoy
    Day 18 for Mark. Started to email him along with a dozen others to give him an update on my son's dad, but truthfully he hasn't called, and I know he knows about what happened....perhaps he's waiting on me to call him, I dunno. I still love him, but this is the only way I know (NC) to go about getting over him. I tried dating another guy (John)...it didn't work. Footnote on John...yesterday was day 30 of NC for him, and I did check out his MySpace page yesterday afternoon. Funny how not much had changed (except for his engagement!) in 30 days. The interesting thing is, he blogged about how he proposed to "her" and said he took her down to the river with some bubbly and a guitar, sang her a song, and then got down on one knee. this was the same scenario I think he had planned for me, he had talked about it, and what's even more ironic is that just 6 months ago I was with him at that same river, and he took my promise ring and put it on my finger and said "with this ring, I thee love". Now isn't it strange that 6 months later he proposed to another girl, in the same place? I think one of us got shafted! Either he didn't really love me, or he doesn't really love her, because I don't think "love" does that quick of a double take, does it?????? When I read his blog, I wasn't impressed either...he used to write poetry, blogs, stories....all about me and how much he loved me, and how i was the one he had waited for, i was "the one".... now she's gotten one blog, and it wasn't too flowery, truthfully. Who knows, maybe he was just "infatuated" with me... One thing's for sure, I do believe he lied to one of us...maybe it was me, who knows...still I got a small amount of satisfaction yesterday. And also some relief, just realizing again how that God rescued me from that relationship.
  3. KaylaJoy
    OK, I have to confess, on day 30, I did break NC with John, only to check out their MySpace pages. And I'm ok. Don't think I'll do it again any time soon, but I am OK.
  4. KaylaJoy
    DAY 30 OF NC WITH JOHN!! WOOHOO!! I DID IT!! Do I feel great?? Nahhh...not really...I miss him, but I had a really bad dream about him last night, in which he brought "HER" to my house, and discussed their impending marriage plans in front of me, and in my dream I yelled at him, and I realized he was not even the same person I had dated, and when I woke up I felt so sad about this, but it was almost like maybe God was letting me know it was OK to let him go, he's not the same person I knew, and we could never have back even the friendship that we had before we were officially a couple, because I would never completely trust him again. So I miss him, wish I could talk to him, see him, etc, but as was in my dream, I know it would be so painful, I don't want to even try. So NC will continue on for me, although I won't keep track of it, maybe only periodically on here. I'm in Day 17 of NC over Mark, and that's my biggie...he's the one who's had me wrapped around his little finger. He's the one I truly need NC over, and he's the one that will be my uphill battle, but I will make it somehow by the Grace of God. Had dinner with his mom today, by the way. Still bittersweet, when she talks about him, my heart jumps inside a little, but I know NC is what I need right now, and for longer than 30 days. I'm going to shoot for at least 6 months, because that's what my therapist told me 2 years ago, was that I needed 6-8 months of NC to really get over him.
  5. KaylaJoy
    nope, one is an ex from two years ago...still in love with him...that's Mark. John is the ex from this past year, that was officially cut off a couple of days after Valentine's Day. Long story, but John started off as a friend who was supposed to be helping me get over Mark. We started dating, eventually he wanted to get married but I still had feelings for Mark. I said no. I cared deeply for him, loved dating him, but deep inside I knew I was still in love with Mark. So then 11 weeks after Valentine's Day John tells me (via a text message) that he's engaged to the one woman he swore he'd never date. Then couldn't understand why I was so bewildered. Wanted to be friends, but that included I had to hear all about him and her, and I just can't do that. Too much hurt. So I went into hiding, aka "NC". Mark and I go years and years back, even before we had a relationship two years ago. I'm 39 years old and no one has ever broken my heart the way Mark has. Enough said. I've put up with all kinds of crapola from him because of how much I loved him, he knew I loved him, at one point he had feelings for me, but that was long ago. I have finally decided that the end of "us" as we know it has finally arrived. I can't be his punching bag anymore, his ego feeder, his comfy warm blanket to wear only when he's cold. I'm miserable that way, sucking it up just so I can have him in my life. THAT's why I'm in NC over him.
  6. KaylaJoy
    Day 28 for John, although he texted me yesterday, and I found out today that he emailed me yesterday as well. Very mixed emotions, not sure what to do. Day 15 for Mark. Found out he's in Washington DC with his brother....lots of sadness there too... Just need to climb out of this pit of unhappiness somehow!! I hate it, and I know God has a better plan for me than this!!
  7. KaylaJoy
    Day 27 for John...almost to my 30...am really missing his friendship today. So much going on in my life. Day 14 for Mark. So sad about that. My son's dad not doing well, still on respirator, now has pneumonia....worried about him...it's been a very emotional, roller coaster kinda day...just want to go to bed and cover up my head.
  8. KaylaJoy
    Wow. This is exactly how I feel. Amazing to me sometimes that you feel like you are the only one that can possibly feel this way, then you come to ENA and find dozens! Day 26 for John. He texted me this morning, but I did not reply. Something about thanking for the card, and there was still so much to do yet, not sure if he was referring to his dad's death, or his impending wedding. Don't want to know. Almost to 30! As for Mark, day 13, ( not including bumping into him at the picnic Monday which I couldn't avoid). I know he's not giving me a second thought. He knows my son's biological father was injured very badly last week, and he has never even called to see how he's doing, even though he's met him several times. That's not even a friend, let alone someone who still has feelings for me. That is hard for me to swallow. OK if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but we shared so much it seemed, why couldn't he still treasure my friendship? Why couldn't he just CARE?? Why can't he give just a little crap about me? or even my son? Sucks.
  9. KaylaJoy
    Thanks dqueen...I understand the password lock thing...I may need that myself! it's so weird...I actually think I might stop the whole NC challenge for John once I hit 30 days, although EVERY SINGLE DAY just about I want to check out his and her MySpace page, just out of curiosity, but I think it's best for me that I don't, so even though I may not officially be tallying up the days, I will probably still continue. As for Mark, I can't lie...it's tough...I guess I loved him more than I thought was possible. He's not the cutest (although he is cute) and he's not the best built (last weigh-in was somewhere close to 400 lbs I believe, but he's really tall, so he gets by with it a little better than most would), he's a smartA**, he's rude sometimes, he's not been as gentlemanly as he should have been all the time...however, he's always clean, smells good, which is hard for big men sometimes, beautiful piercing blue eyes, blond hair, luscious lips (and oh what a kisser!), soft voice, he just has a way that gets me like no one has ever done before. He has random acts of kindness that melt me. He has momentary lapses of judgment that infuriate me, humiliate me, and perplex me. He is like Shrek, an onion with many many layers! (sigh) So my NC for him will probably have to last for a very long time. Even though he spoke to me at the picnic yesterday, I only responded out of sheer necessity, so I think I am still in NC. I haven't checked out his MySpace, haven't texted, emailed, or called in 12 days. 12 days down, and how many hundreds to go before I'm over him?
  10. KaylaJoy
    Day 24 for John...no big deal...didn't even miss him today. Day 11 for Mark, sorta, but not really....he was at the church picnic today...I avoided him as much as possible, but he did walk over to me at one point, and wave, and I waved back, but said nothing, then he walked away. Then later, he came up to me and asked how I was doing in a very formal tone, and since we were around other people, I felt like I couldn't ignore him, so I said fine, and he said it was getting hot out, and I said yeah it was, and he walked away. So does that count as breaking NC?? I avoided him personally, and only spoke what was absolutely necessary to him to avoid an issue. And knowing Mark like I know him, he got the point, and I doubt that he makes another single effort. Maybe ever. So NC may never be an issue again at this point for the rest of my life, because when he is snubbed, which I basically did today, he will walk away without a look back, and so I kinda think that after today, I won't hear from him again...he knows I snubbed him...it probably irritated him enough to where he thought screw her, and I doubt he will ever give me a second thought. So NC should be a breeze from here on out, and I think I'll keep my Day 11...after all, I didn't contact him!!
  11. KaylaJoy
  12. KaylaJoy
    Day 23 of NC for John...getting easier, although I still miss him. Afraid to check out his MySpace page though, too afraid of what I might find, they may have already tied the knot, not ready to hear that just yet....think I will continue my NC for awhile...but really I think I'm fine at this point. Day 10 for Mark. Feel like my emotions are kind of suspended at this point, don't quite know how to feel, just taking it a day at a time. I miss him, but I'm still reeling from my humiliating discovery, so I'm not ready to make contact anyway.
  13. KaylaJoy
    NC day 22 for John, day 9 for Mark. Mark is still the hard one. He's the one I wanted for so long. I'm not sure how to even stop wanting him. I just know I'm so ashamed for the hope that I invested in him, feel so foolish at this point, that it's not hard to do NC, because I don't want to humiliate myself any more. Still I can't stop thinking about him. Wondering what he's doing, where he's at, do I even cross his mind? there are gentle things I miss about John, places we went, things we talked about, the way he catered to me. He took me to Luckenbach, Texas last June, we had so much fun at that little hole in the wall. We went windowshopping in Fredericksburg. He made me pancakes for breakfast. Little things. KNowing he's doing the same for her now. That part hurts. But it's not that digging pain I get from Mark, just more that I miss him. With Mark, I feel lost in a way, like I'm floating around in space, and don't know how to get settled without him. Afraid to touch ground. Knowing that the passion I felt for him may never be equaled, that's hard. Never feeling a kiss like that again, or know what it's like to feel magic just at the touch of his hand, that's tough. That's the loss that I feel. Afraid that I'll never feel that way again.
  14. KaylaJoy
    Day 21 for John, Day 8 for Mark. Mark is my hard one. I feel sad about John in the way that I miss things about him. I miss feeling loved and cared for, even if it was shortlived. I miss sharing everyday details with him. I don't miss the sex. I don't miss kissing him. I don't miss physicality with him. Just the emotional nurturing he provided. Mark??? I miss all of him in one sense and none of him in another. I miss him physically. I miss him funny. I miss him quiet and strong beside me. I miss him playful. I miss his kisses like crazy. I don't miss him rude, sarcastic, egotistical. I don't miss him stand-offish. I don't miss the hunger, the waiting but never fulfilled. I don't miss feeling less than best. I don't miss feeling least. I still get tempted to check John's MySpace, although it's been 3 weeks, but I know I will regret it if I do. It's best that I don't. I am going to start incorporating not looking at Mark's MySpace as part of my NC with him, even though he's on my friends' list. (Just can't bring myself to take him off yet.)
  15. KaylaJoy
    Day 20 for John, Day 7 for Mark of NC, although I have checked out Mark's MySpace a few times. I'm considering deleting him off my friend's list. I already have deleted him out of my phone. I know he is clueless at this point that he's even being blacklisted, but I also know he could care less, and won't miss me a single solitary ounce, so I'm not too worried. Mainly I'm keeping him on MySpace so as not to raise a big issue about my NC. Who knows, he may drop me on his own anyway.
  16. KaylaJoy
    Day 19 for John, day 6 for Mark. A little sad about John today, remembering how things were between us. Would have been easier if things were bad between us, but our relationship was a good one. It was the break up that sucked. As for Mark, I am turned upside down on that one. Too much to write here, but suffice it to say I don't want to talk to him, maybe ever again, and I NEVER thought I'd ever feel that way about him.
  17. KaylaJoy
    Day 18 for John and Day 5 for Mark, and I'm messed up over both of them. John texted me yet again this morning, telling me he was taking his fiancee to the emergency room and would I pray for her. I want to scream. It's not that I am even in love with him, but I do still have feelings, and he hurt me the way he betrayed me, and he's stretching it to the limit. I think he's deliberately trying to hurt me at this point, and all I want is him to leave me alone. As for Mark, I'm just hurt and sad. He ignored my email from last week, I saw that he read it, but he ignored it. He makes me feel like I'm always doing something wrong. All I want to do is love him, and somehow that's even bad. Today is a bad day....I don't know how much more of this I can take. Not to mention my elderly mother has diarrhea all over my bathroom, then my cat got poop on my bedspread. I'm about at my limit...time for a Xanax...
  18. KaylaJoy
    Day 17 for John and day 4 for Mark. I still am so tempted to check JOhn's MySpace...but I know it will only cause me grief and pain if I do, and I'm reminding myself of this constantly. As for Mark, I have thought about him often today, mostly with a feeling of defeat, as in I feel defeated, as in I give up trying to win his love, and maybe NC really is the best thing for me. It's not an issue with him, he doesn't bother much anyway, but I have to work at not calling or texting or emailing him. It's just too exhausting anymore it seems...I'll never be the perfect girl for him, and I don't have the energy anymore to keep trying.
  19. KaylaJoy
    Day 16 for John, day 3 for Mark. Gee whiz, I can't believe I've made it 16 days without checking out John's myspace page. That hasn't happened since I met him last February! It doesn't seem like it's been that long though, to be honest. As for Mark, I'm feeling stronger and stronger that this is the right path for me. I love him, and I can't be friends with him because of it because I'm always looking for more, and always sorely disappointed when I don't get it, and I don't want to end up hating him because he can't give me what I want. I imagine at some point I'm going to have to tell him this, but later is better than sooner. He will leave me alone for a while, he always does. So I have probably at least a month's reprieve where NC won't be an issue because unless I contact him, I wouldn't hear from him anyway. As for John, this is the longest I think he's went without contacting me in some form or fashion, except for maybe once or twice, so I think maybe the show is finally over. Probably me not responding back when he texted me about his dad dying was enough to get him to finally quit and leave me alone, although I did send him the card. Anyway, I've got family in and alot is going on to keep my mind off of Mark, so I'm doing good for now. I'm in the process of reading all my old journals that I wrote when I was going thru all that with Mark, and as I read them I'm throwing them away. It's kind of cathartic to review what I've been thru and see how far I've come now. I still love him, just like I did then, but I've grown up somehow, and don't seem near as desperate as I did back then.
  20. KaylaJoy
    Day 15 NC for John, day 2 for Mark. Today was John's dad's funeral....I am really tempted to check out his MySpace page to see what's new, since it's been 2 weeks, but I'm trying very hard to be strong and not do it. As for Mark, I am OK on NC for today.
  21. KaylaJoy
    Day 14 of NC for John. I miss him a little, today was his dad's funeral visitation. I am very tempted to view his myspace page, but I'm trying not to. Day 1 of NC for Mark. I had a huge epiphany today, and I realize I need to do NC with him as well, he's tearing me up worse than John is. I just don't know if I'll ever get it right with men. 39 and still single, I'm beyond being an old maid.
  22. KaylaJoy
    Long long story here, too long to tell here, but I got lots of posts if anyone's curious... I have two ex's. I'm in NC with the most recent one. Day 15 today I believe...will post more on that later. But I am starting a new NC subject, this one being my "ex ex". It's significant because he's also the guy that I love, and have for a very long time. We've been in a relationship, but he said he didn't feel the same so he broke it off. We've been friends for more than a decade. John is ex #1. He's the one I'm two weeks into. The one who just recently got engaged. The one who I believe lied to me about just about all he ever told me, which really sucks, because he had me believing in myself, and believing that I really was the most special woman on earth. I needed this belief after Mark (ex #2) broke it off with me because he didn't love me. I needed to believe I was lovable. John did that, then took it all away when he was engaged just 11 weeks after Valentine's Day, when he last told me he loved me. Mark (ex #2) is another story. We have tried very hard to maintain our friendship even though we broke up, but it's been hard, and thru some things some folks have said in posts which validated some things I've been saying, I've come to realize it was mostly ME trying very hard, and every once in awhile he'd make an effort. So I am going to do NC with Mark too. I'm confused, because he ignores me most of the time, then will throw little tidbits of niceties my way and I start thinking this is a mutual thing, even that we have hope of getting back together. Then he'll ignore me for awhile and throw my world back out of cater. I keep questioning this, because it hurts, but I think I should start looking at this with the slant that everyone else does and realize not only is the relationship last on his mind, our friendship is not very prevalent on his mind. I make most of the effort, he just follows thru occasionally. I'm gonna post another thread about this elsewhere, but I think NC is what I need, although it will have to be longer than a month, because he usually only contacts me once a month or so anyway. So here goes to day #1. I'm gonna try. I need this, even if I don't want this.
  23. KaylaJoy
    Day 13 of NC. I'm sad today. Thinking about his dad's funeral. I read the obit in the paper about his dad, and as next of kin, they have listed my ex AND his fiancee's name! Like they were already married! That stung somehow. It's just all happening so quickly, and it makes me sad...it's like it's all spinning so fast, I can't keep up with what actually happened. No word from the other ex (my ex ex - "mi amor"). I sent him an email and a text yesterday, and true to his form, he didn't bother responding. Not surprised really. Just disappointed. We had such a good time last Friday night, I'd hoped that I'd merit at least a text back. Wonder if/when I'll ever give up and go in and turn the light off? (metaphorically speaking of course)
  24. KaylaJoy
    I'm OK today. Honestly I have a lot of other stuff on my mind, and haven't really had time to dwell on him and her. I was tempted to check out his MySpace page but I'm always up for a challenge, so I opted to stick it out with the 30 day NC challenge. Honestly, I may gear up for a second tour with this 30 days is done, I think I'll need it.
  25. KaylaJoy
    My ex texted me at 7pm yesterday to tell me his dad had been in a car accident and was flown to a hospital in another city. Then he texted me at 11pm to tell me they thought his dad was brain dead. At 2:10am I got a text telling me his dad had died. This is all very sad, and would be even sadder except my ex wasn't close to his dad at all, couldn't stand him as a matter of fact (history of abuse). I only met the man once for about 30 seconds. Also my ex is engaged to someone else now, so I was really disturbed that he was texting me, waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me this. I'm not a hard hearted hannah, but there was nothing I was going to do about it considering I'm in Indiana and he is in Texas, and we have already broken off all ties. Well - I've broken off all ties, he's still texting me even though I asked him not to. So anyway, I deleted his texts, but I did buy a very generic, not "lovey" sympathy card, and put it to him and his mom, because I do feel bad that it happened. I was very formal in the card, but I felt like I owed him that much. However I did not want to get engaged in any sort of conversation with him, even a texting one. So I kinda didn't break NC, because this was strictly a formal note of sympathy to he and his mom, but I sorta did because I did respond to the situation. I am still counting my NC streak though! I want to check out his MySpace page (or his fiancees') to see what's going on, but I'm not letting myself...that's gotta count for something!!
×
×
  • Create New...