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KaylaJoy

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Everything posted by KaylaJoy

  1. KaylaJoy
    me too. I have been a little weepy today, just missing him, wishing he would reach out to me, sure that he won't, and I hate it.
  2. KaylaJoy
    Day 2 - AGAIN - I sure do miss him. Wish things were different. Wish he wanted me. Wish he loved me. Wish he missed me. Wish he'd do something to change things. Knowing he won't.
  3. KaylaJoy
    I'm back to Day 1 again. I was at 36, but broke NC yesterday when I called his mom and he answered. I am starting NC again because it's good for me, but I may break it on July 4th when I go to his brother's house for a picnic, as there is a good chance he'll be there. I hope not - I hope he's out of town, but I also realize I won't be able to avoid him forever and I'm going to have to learn to deal with it. His entire family is a part of my life, and I can't avoid them just to avoid him.
  4. KaylaJoy
    Broke NC today...would have been day 37. Called his mom to ask a question and he picked up, we talked for 5 minutes, was cordial but brief. Dang it! So hard! Have to start all over again tomorrow.
  5. KaylaJoy
    Miss him alot, thought about him alot. I've also missed John in a weird sad way. I realized today that probably the reason I am still mourning over Mark is because I never really grieved last year. I went from Mark to John very quickly, and never really had a chance to truly "get over" Mark. Now it's as if I'm grieving over two men, if that's possible. I feel very depressed, very sad. I pray that God will give me peace over this, it weighs on my mind heavily each day.
  6. KaylaJoy
    I really really miss him. Really. I hate it and it sucks. I wish his memory would just leave me alone like he has.
  7. KaylaJoy
    Day 34. And life goes on....
  8. KaylaJoy
    Day 33 of NC. It's been almost two years since we broke it off officially. People are lying when they say it gets easier, and that two or three weeks into it they are good to go. How is that possible? Two years later, even with NC, he's still on my mind everyday. I don't contact him, don't go where he goes, don't talk about him much. But he's still on my mind. I got an email from him today. I chose not to respond. Don't know quite what to say. He cannot give me what I need or want, and I cannot go back to the 4 or 5 times a year kind of friendship we had "before". So I feel stuck, and I can't even explain it all to him, I just feel like there's nothing I could say, so it's best I say nothing. I miss him, and wonder if he ever thinks of me. I guess he did at least once this month, since I got an email from him.
  9. KaylaJoy
    Day 32 and I miss him.
  10. KaylaJoy
    Day 31. Was invited to his brother's place today for a cookout. Didn't want to go if he was going to be there, but then his brother told me he was out of town, so I thought I might, but in the end decided to stay home. So of course I'm wondering is he at the lake fishing with the boys? Or is he out of town to see some special girl? Nothing I can do about it if he is seeing someone, and all the more reason why I should stay in NC. I'm just not that strong yet.
  11. KaylaJoy
    day 30...I made it! I'm keeping it up though, because as my therapist says, I need a good 6-8 mos to get over him. Right now, 30 days into NC, I just feel blahhhh....I feel sad, I feel weird without him in my life. I miss the old Mark. That's it.
  12. KaylaJoy
    Day 29. Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month...mixed emotions about this though, the space has been good for me, the scab is forming a little on my wounded heart. I miss him, but tonight I asked myself what exactly did I miss and I wasn't sure. He's toxic to me, this I know. When he's good, we're very good together. When he's bad, it's all bad, and I'm miserable, and it seems like there is no even keel, it's a really good day or a really bad day with him. Not too many inbetweens. Still I miss hearing his voice, but I don't miss how empty I felt because he didn't return my love. I don't miss feeling rejected or unappreciated. I don't miss feeling unworthy, or stupid, or insufficient, which are all the things I somehow felt when I was with him. How could his synergy produce so much negativity in me, I wonder?
  13. KaylaJoy
    Now THAT is AWESOME!!! WOOHOO!!!
  14. KaylaJoy
    well, I'm here at day 28. Got a text at 11:30pm last night, thought it might be him, almost hoping it wasn't, wasn't sure what to say or how to respond. It's not his fault, I know that now, and have lost the anger and resentment toward him. Just need to stay away for me. Anyway, the text wasn't from him, it was from the other ex, John, who's driving me crazy. Second text yesterday, and he's engaged to someone else. This either qualifies as manipulation or stalking, I'm not sure which, but it calls for desperate measures, and I think I may have to put a block on my phone! As for Mark, Rascal Flatts sings a song that says "I love it when you're here, babe, but I'm better when you're gone." I think that says it best about my NC with Mark.
  15. KaylaJoy
    I checked his MySpace page today, first time in a while, was going to stop that I remember. He had moved me off of his top 8 and I was still on his friend's list but not on the main page. Then tonight when I looked at his MySpace page, he had moved me back to his front page. Huh? I'm curious. I had moved him off of my front page. So I moved him back, kind of a chess move. I know him. Because if I ever brought up his lack of friendliness to him, he would bring up the fact that he had me on his front page, but I had moved him off. So only to as not give him that leverage (wait - I'm supposing I'm going to talk to him at some point and this will be discussed, and that's crazy because I'm in NC, right?), I moved him back to the front page. In the exact same spot he has me. We'll see how long it lasts. Doesn't mean anything, I get that...just one of those things.
  16. KaylaJoy
    Day 25. I miss him alot. Somedays I'm not really sure what exactly it is that I'm missing, but I look out the window every night as if to check and make sure he isn't parked out in front of my house like so many other nights, waiting for me to let him in. Hoping he might be there, knowing he is not. Saw his sister in law today, she and I are close, as are his brother and I really close, and I found myself envious of the life they have, the marriage they have (his brother has the "good" side of Mark that I love so much), and just to be a part of their family. It seems like I wanted, dreamed and hoped to be a part of his family for so long, that I'm not quite sure how to let that dream go just yet. I'm close with almost all of them, and have known them for better than 15 years I guess. I have called his mom "MOM" since his sister and I were best friends when we were in our early 20's. They are an integral part of me and my son, and I thought our union would be the perfect climax to it all. Not so, though, and it's hard. I wanted his family to be my family, and I wanted him to love my son, and I wanted him to give me his whole heart and soul, and he couldn't. Couldn't even come close, and I can't even blame him for it; he can't help how he doesn't feel, and it doesn't matter why. Still I feel sad; a sense of loss, like I'm missing out on something wonderful. I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of another.
  17. KaylaJoy
    That's where I'm at...I'm trying really hard to work at being happy for him no matter what, and I'm sure there is going to come a day when I'm going to hear from his sister or his brother or his mom that he's got a girlfriend, or dating someone, and right now my reaction would be to crumble inside. Maybe one day I can smile and be truly happy for him. Today is not that day.
  18. KaylaJoy
    Day 24... Just another day it seems. Thought about him today off and on. The NC thing is a good thing though because it's not quite so freshly painful in my mind. It's like a dull ache in the back of my mind. I'm quite aware that after my cool reception to him at the picnic on Memorial Day that he probably has washed his hands of me. He, after all, always thinks I'm in the wrong anyway, and doesn't ever think he's wrong about anything. He has very very rarely ever come back to me on his own accord and apologized, and so I don't think he'll start now. NC is not going to be too much of a challenge for this reason alone; the burden will fall on me, not him, because he doesn't usually contact me on his own. All of this in which makes me sad, and makes me now realize how much effort I put into this, and how little he had invested of himself.
  19. KaylaJoy
    Can't believe I've made it almost a month! I miss him, seems like he's there everywhere I go, in little places. Went motorcycle riding last night with a friend in a completely different state, and all I could think was wish I could see him driving down the road. Wish he could see me going along having a good time, and wish it was him. Wish he would be the slightest bit jealous or envious of who I'm spending my time with. I drove by his best friend's house at 1 am this morning, just to see if his car would be there. I wouldn't have dared knock or let him know I was there, I just wanted to see if he was there for some reason, and he wasn't. I thought about it a lot today, and for the most part I think there's not a chance that we will ever reconnect. But deep inside there's some little part of me that refuses to accept that, and I kinda hate that part, because it keeps me from letting go completely. There's that tiny little voice that says what brought him around the time or two before may still bring him around again sometime in the future. And truthfully I feel so stupid for even thinking that, and admitting that I think that. So I'm trying to just keep busy day by day, trying not to dwell on the painful stuff, trying not to remember all the stupid things I did trying to hang on to him, and hoping somehow he doesn't hate me. It's not that heavy cloak of sadness I used to wear, but still I'm constantly remembering how much I loved him, how much I wanted him, how much I hoped for him. And how I'm having a really hard time completely letting go of him. Will I ever?? Do I REALLY want to??
  20. KaylaJoy
    What can I say??....I miss him, yeah. I wish he wanted me, yeah. I wish he loved me, yeah. I wish he would come over, care, pursue, make it matter, and much more, yeah. He doesn't, probably won't, so in the meantime I just hurt, miss him, and wait for it to someday go away.
  21. KaylaJoy
    Day 21...I miss him...at a loss for words today...
  22. KaylaJoy
    I feel for ya, I really do. There's nothing worse than trying to get over someone, and TRYING to stay away from them, and they won't leave you alone. Hang in there!
  23. KaylaJoy
    It's day 20 of NC for Mark. Boy do I miss him. Wish I could just sit and talk to him, not about anything in particular, just sit on the front porch like we used to, sharing fun things and serious things. Wish I could feel his arm around me, playing with my hair, stroking my arm. Wish I could lean against his chest one more time and hear his heartbeat again. Wish I could feel the scruff of his stubble against my cheeks just one more time. Wish I could have had his heart...wish he would have given me a chance. Yet even as I say that I know that had it been God's will, things would have been different. I have to trust that what I committed to God He will keep. Still I miss him, and I grieve over him; I grieve over the loss of hope. I always knew him loving me for the long ride was a long shot, the signs were evident of that, but I always had hope. I always hoped that something would click, and I wouldn't just be the girl he hooked up with one summer, but I would be the girl he could never get out of his mind. Instead, when it was all said and done, and he had his fill of the fun, he told me that I was too old, had a kid, and bottom line was he didn't love me. He wasn't mean about it, mind you. I asked him specifically if these things were why he wouldn't give me a chance, and he said yes to all of the above. Then after I read the emails a few weeks ago that he sent to his first girlfriend, and saw all the "baby I love you's", I realized exactly what I represented to him all the time we were together...and I have no words right now to adequately describe how it made me feel. To say I felt a huge sense of loss is an understatement. It was like being blind and seeing the world for the first time, only realizing the world is cold and ugly and dark, not pretty, green and blue like you thought. It broke me. So yeah, I grieve. I miss him so much. I miss the hope of him. I miss just being close to him, literally. Just sitting beside him on the couch, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder. I miss who I thought he was, and how I hoped he might feel. I miss how I felt when I was in his arms. I'm just so tired of losing all the time.
  24. KaylaJoy
    That's exactly how I feel, like our relationship must have been a huge lie, if he could change that fast. I think I grieve over him more than anything, because he was such an everyday part of my life, and I considered him such a rock in my life. He claims to be a minister, is 54 years old, yet is being led by his bottom brain instead of the one on top of his head, and I feel sad that he is so misled by his own actions. And like yours, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he's done, and that he is totally justified. I don't hate him, I still miss him, but I know that God rescued me from getting any further into that relationship. I feel sorry for him in a way, I do believe he was probably looking for something to sooth his wounded ego, and they had been very close for quite a while, even while we were dating. He was very good to me while we were together, but dropped me like a hot potato later, probably about the time he started becoming more involved with her. Then after he got in good with "her", he wanted to be friends with me, and I just can't do it. Not because I still have a thing for him, but because I am still hurt and feel betrayed, and he cannot be the friend to me I once thought him to be, and I don't think I can accept less than that right now. I lost all the way around on this one it looks like.
  25. KaylaJoy
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