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KaylaJoy

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  1. KaylaJoy
    Before my son's father had his accident a couple of months ago, he was impossible to deal with. It turned me from Christian to scowling mongrel in 30 seconds flat just to deal with him, he was unreasonable, and you could not rationalize with him. In other words, I UNDERSTAND. Dealing with unreasonable, irrational, un-Christian ex's in which you have children with is the bane of our existence when you are not with the ex any more. (thus why they are the "ex" huh?) I came to view it as a test for me, and have prayed about it alot, I realize that he (or his family) may just be the test or trial for me to prove how much I love like Jesus loved. It don't come easy, I can assure you that! Hang in there! I'm sorry about the kiddos too. That's such a shame to use them as pawns to get back at you. Those poor kids.
  2. KaylaJoy
    Hang in there, Dave. Who knows what God has in store for you. Remember He will not lead you where His Grace cannot keep you!!
  3. KaylaJoy
    Day 6. I'm good. Miss him, but after my epiphany the other day, I'm in a good place within myself, I just miss him. I talked to his brother tonight and told him of my epiphany, and how I felt about it. He said little, but I think he was glad for me, and the way he agreed with me made me think perhaps he and Mark have discussed this, and that he knew Mark was long past any relationship with me, and for my sake, he wanted me to know I was doing the right thing.
  4. KaylaJoy
    That is a beautiful Scripture. Thanks David!
  5. KaylaJoy
    Don't know that I will continue to post every single day; this is the 3rd go around for me, still have not made it 30 days on NC with Mark. BUT.... I had a breakthrough this evening though. I was sitting on the swing thinking about everything and a song popped in my head, a song I haven't heard in years, and I sang it to myself just to see if I could remember it, and I got to the last line of the chorus, and it says "and He taught me not to question the decisions He made." He, of course, being Almighty God. And then it hit me smack in the face. I've been wandering around in this emotional desert for months now asking "why" and "how" and "for what reason" and never getting a clear answer. I've been praying "God, Thy Will be done" over and over, waiting for an answer to my dilemma over Mark. And this evening it hit me. He has given me the answer. There is no Mark in my life. He has faded into the background just like he was before we started this rollercoaster journey of love and heartbreak, and he is not attempting to be with me, he is not stressing over me, he is not contacting me (very rarely anyway). My answer is right in front of me, I just didn't want to see it. And then when I realized what the last bar of the song was, I also realized by wandering around in my heartbroken stupor, asking "why" to every friend, foe or stranger, I was questioning the very God I had given it to. I was questioning His decision as if I didn't understand it, instead of trusting that He made the right one and letting it go. He taught me better, and I will not question the decision He made. I asked for His will to be done, now that It is here, I must accept It and go on. So I'll pop in everynow and then and keep track of my days, but I know now I am going to be OK. My focus is clearer now, and I'm gonna make it!
  6. KaylaJoy
  7. KaylaJoy
    Day 2. Nothing new, just wish things were different.
  8. KaylaJoy
    Hope it gets better for you somehow! You sound like you have a lot of love and it just may turn things around someday. Keep praying and believing, remember it took Abraham 25 years of believing before he got the promised son...just know and believe he hears you when you pray!
  9. KaylaJoy
    It's sad, but good to know that I am not the only sitting in the "I miss, I want, I hate this" boat...I feel it's getting harder, not easier, and I find I'm not alone... I believe God has a plan for me. Don't know if Mark is a part of that plan, and I'm good with whatever His plan is. But I sure do miss me some Mark!
  10. KaylaJoy
    Well, this is the third time I've started NC...I have yet to make it a whole month with absolutely no contact on either part. My therapist says I need 6-8 months of NC, but this is looking harder than I thought! So yesterday was the big picnic, and I had a blast. Mark was there and he was subdued and a little reserved at first - I said Hi and acted like everything was positively normal. Then later, he came over to where I was and played volleyball with a bunch of us that was already playing, and he was friendly enough. I didn't mention the email from last week. He even let me take a couple of pictures of him and seemed fine with it. Then later on about 9pm he was getting ready to leave and I told him I wanted to talk to him, so he said OK and seemed happy enough, and I told him that in regards to his email last week, I had never despised him, didn't despise him now, and didn't ever plan on despising him in the future. He kinda smiled and said OK. I told him I thought he sounded angry, and he said no, he was being "tongue in cheek", saying that now I could think of something else, and I said no, that I wouldn't be thinking of anything else because I didn't despise him period. There was more but long to post here, will post on my journal, but anyway, it was a good day, and I loved being able to see him again, and it sucks because it just reinforces how much I love him, and how much he is not in love with me. At least we are on friendly terms again, but it's still hard. So I'm back to really realizing how much I need NC, because every time I'm around him, I just fall in love again. Lord help me, but I love that man. So we're back to Day 1 all over again. Let's see how long it goes this time...I don't know of any more picnics that I have to work around, so I might actually make it 30 days. But I'll tell you one thing, it got harder, not easier...by time yesterday rolled around, I missed him so much it hurt.
  11. KaylaJoy
    Day 12, tomorrow is the big day...I'm told there are going to be tons of people around, so chances are good the contact may not end up being more than a "hi, how are ya" and that's it. Weird thing is, I just feel like something is undone with us. I feel like there are things left unsaid, it all feels open ended somehow...not settled. That could be a good thing or a bad thing, and that's what scares me.
  12. KaylaJoy
    yes, you are probably right feelinblu, I am at a loss of what even to say in it truthfully. I will see him most likely tomorrow, so I guess I'll get a better clue as to his frame of mind. I'm nervous about it, honestly. I want there to be peace between us, and love between us. I'm a little scared.
  13. KaylaJoy
    11 days, only 2 more before I see him again, at the picnic. I'm nervous about it, wondering what his attitude will be. Will he be angry, or will he be in a good mood, will he be nice to me, or will he be a jerk? I never know. When he's good, it's very very good. When he's bad, it's awful. I just never know. And I'm at a loss for what to say to him. I think about sitting down and emailing him to say what's on my heart, and I don't even know how to put it into words. I just know I'm confused and sad, I miss him, I'm hurt, and I'm embarrassed. I still love him but I need so much more. And how do I put all this in a single email?
  14. KaylaJoy
    Day 10, although I know it won't be much longer before I see him again...I heard he's going to be at the picnic Friday...I'm curious as to how he will respond to me. There's a multitude of thought rolling around; perverted sense of hope because he sent me the angry email last week (at least he thought of me, right??), sadness over not having him in my life, but reigning mostly is still the sense of embarrassment and humiliation over how I acted and how I groveled and basically threw myself at him. I took all responsibility of the relationship, he didn't have to do any work, and in the end I did all the work for nothing, because he didn't love me, he didn't respect me, he didn't want me. So I miss him, I wish him, but most of all I'm still embarrassed that I gave him that much of myself for nothing.
  15. KaylaJoy
    I love this. Says it all, doesn't it?
  16. KaylaJoy
    Day 8...wondering what's going on in that stubborn head of his...is he angry I haven't responded to his email? Is he curious? Has he written me off for good?? I wonder, and yes, it does matter.
  17. KaylaJoy
    Hope you feel better soon!!
  18. KaylaJoy
    Day 7 of NC for me, not counting the email he sent me day before yesterday (but just read yesterday). I have a myriad of emotions right now. First thing I did tonight when I got home was check his MySpace page to see if he logged in today, which he did, which told me one thing - he wanted to see if I had responded back to his nasty email yet, which I didn't. I know this because he only ever does MySpace once every week or so. He NEVER checks it 3 days in a row...like never! So considering he sent me the nasty email on the 26th, I saw he had logged in on the 27th, probably to see if I had read it, and then logged in again today on the 28th, no doubt to see if I had responded yet, I feel a small sense of triumph in that he is showing some small sign, however so small, that he gives a crap, one way or another. Which is more than he's shown me for a long time. I feel bad that he feels angry at me, I think I mentioned that yesterday, but I also started thinking about all the times he's made me feel really bad by his crappiness. But given that this angry email came out of nowhere, based on a conversation we had over a year ago that I had completely forgotten about, I refuse to be beaten up of something I said way back when. He asked me what I thought, and I told him, and now after all these months and months, apparently he's decided that it bothers him. If he were to be upfront with me enough to - oh, I don't know - CALL ME, or COME SEE ME, or something of that nature, and then tell me he was still upset, I would probably apologize, just on the grounds that I had offended someone, and never want to be that kind of person. But he didn't. He sent me a scathing email, that sounded like he was sitting there with this huge chip on his shoulder daring me to knock it off, and I refuse. I love him, I don't despise him, contrary to what his email says, but my days of chasing him around the tree are over. If he wants me he can come chase me for a change.
  19. KaylaJoy
    good positive way to look at it, feelinblu!
  20. KaylaJoy
  21. KaylaJoy
    Day 6...he emailed me today...a nasty, angry email...I did not respond.... How do I feel?? I don't know...I'm numb at this point. I do know that he went back and checked to see that I read it and if I wrote a response, because he never signs on MySpace two days in a row, he usually checks it once every two weeks, and he was on both yesterday (when he sent the email) and today (to see if I responded no doubt). I don't want him to be angry at me, and his email was angry. But he lashed out at me unprovoked, and I don't know how he expected me to respond. I still love him, and it hurts me that he is angry with me, I don't want him to be mad at me. But I don't know how to fix it and still take care of myself, so I just let it go. I want him so much, but if it's not right for us to be together, it's not right, and no amount of trying on my part can make it right. I just feel sad I guess. I want all this to go away and I want him to love me, and instead it appears that he despises me, over something stupid that was said a year ago.
  22. KaylaJoy
    Day 5... Was with most of his family this evening for his sister-in-law's birthday party, which he did not attend, but not surprised, it was more for her and her friends and family, but his family was invited by default. It was a little bittersweet when his mom showed me a funny text he had sent her, then his brother started telling about a funny text he had sent him, and it brought it home to me again that we are so done. I haven't had a text from him in so long I don't even remember. ( I deleted all his old ones when I decided to go to NC). Just made me sad. But then on the way home I tried to remember what it is about him I loved so much, and while it is true there is something about him that just gets me, for the most part he doesn't have a whole lot of winning characteristics right now. Not like he used to. And truthfully, if he was anyone else but Mark, I wouldn't give him the time of day. Probably wouldn't even like him, let alone be in love with him. So today I feel like maybe I'm more in love with who he was, and who I wanted him to be to me, then who he really is. Because truth is, while he has value for sure, he's not in a good place to be a great catch to any woman, me or otherwise. And just realizing all that kinda made me sad.
  23. KaylaJoy
    I haven't heard that one...is that a new one??
  24. KaylaJoy
    Day 4...still think about it/him alot. I'm reminded of a song by Vince Gill that says: "I've been trying to get over you; I've been spending time alone. I've been trying to get over you; It'll take dying to get it done." Hope it doesn't take that long, but somedays it feels like it. Eventually it will be alright I know...just wish that day would get here.
  25. KaylaJoy
    Checked out the other ex's MySpace page out of curiosity...things aren't roses and butterflies with him and his new girlfriend apparently, his ex-wife seems to be causing MAJOR ruckus. Hmmmm.....Interesting.
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