thekid55

Hey Ninja, thanks for responding. I agree with you. Talking to mutual friends/her family is not a good idea. That's why I'm not doing it. It's not fair and that's her support system, just like my family/friends are my support system. I don't want to hurt her in anyway possible. That's why I was 100% transparent from the start. I put my sword down and showed her our bills, tax returns, etc. I told her that I don't have anything to hide---and I mean that with all my heart. From a legal perspective, filing for divorce now can protect any potential assets that I may receive in the future. My severance payment would be fairly substantial, plus I want to make a lifestyle change. Therefore, I had to file to protect it and protect myself. I will always lover her, no matter what. We've had an amazing life together. I don't want to force her to do anything. I know she's hurt and upset just like I am. I filed because I had to be proactive for the both of us so we can both move on. I'm no trying to 'teach her a lesson' or anything. I'm being a man, stepping up to the plate, and doing what is best.

I understand how it can look that way. I just don't have any other options at this point. I have to protect myself and can't be subjected to her and her changing her mind. Also, I didn't want to sit around, feeling sad and upset anymore. I stopped eating for days at a time. I was sick. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to take control of this situation for me and for my piece of mind. At this point, I think she's moved on emotionally, but I think she doesn't want to lose her sense of financial security (me), so she wants to keep on the string. I'll list out all of the ways I've tried to be compassionate/understanding, below. I think she's just emotionally immature (Not say that I'm holier-than-thou). /// 1. I sent her a detailed e-mail about joint expenses 2 weeks ago. I attached tax returns, detailed bills, etc. I told her that I didn't have anything to hide and I wanted to be fair. I asked her to only send me money only for her expenses and half of the tax bill, which I clearly laid out for her. I will handle and pay the majority of the expenses. Her response: She blew off my e-mail and continued spending money on frivolous stuff. When I finally looked at the banking and saw the charges, I closed the joint credit card. She got angry that I did this. When I asked her about the joint bills, her response was "Your email sounded like a business e-mail, which I hated. Plus, I had more time to review it". We've always been 100% truthful about money, bills, expenses, etc. I hurt that she blew off me e-mail. To me, it felt disrespectful. 2. I asked her to come back home multiple times because I loved her and wanted to work on things. Instead, she stayed at her parents' house and refused to come back. Her response: She accused me of 'kicking her out'. 3. I agreed to go to counselling (and started going again) to work on some of my issues. Her response: She was pleased with this. 4. By referral of my counselor, I selected a nice financial mediator, a little older lady, that was located by her parents' house. I told her I wanted to be fair and honest. I have nothing to hide. Her response: She didn't want to go to the financial mediator. Instead, she wanted to use her mediator/lawyer and started asking me about assets that I don't even have yet. This started to worry me because it sounded as if she was working an attorney and I didn't have one yet. When I asked her for attorney's information, she didn't give it to me. Two days later, she changed her mind and wanted to go to my mediator. (I think her counselor convinced her to go.) By that time, I already hired an attorney because I didn't want to be jerked back and forth anymore. I had to take control of the situation and I need to protect myself. 5. I feel like she bailed on me during a time which I've been going through some job uncertainty. It may seem stupid to some, but men put a lot of onus of how they can provide for their family. I was feel unsure of myself, which is not attractive to women, so I shut down and started to plan out what was next, career-wise. Could I have handled this differently? Yes, I could have, but times like these are when you need your spouse the most. I could have included her more in the discussions, but as a man, I felt like I needed to have plan before showing it to her. 6. She may (or may not be) having an emotional affair at the very least. I have no proof, other than a bunch of phone logs of her calling the 42-year-old jerk for 30-40 minute blocks of time. I honestly don't care about that at this point. It just gives me more strength to move on and solidify my decision. /// Overall, I don't think this is 'death by ego' at all. I had to take back control of the situation for myself. I needed to have piece of mind again and I couldn't be swayed by her changing in moods. At this point, there's no way we could sit in control of mediator and divide assets. We're both way too emotional over this situation. Therefore, the attorneys will handle it. That way, we both can just move forward with our lives. In addition, I have to restore my confidence to move on. That may mean I seem 'overly cocky' right now, which is fine. Sometimes, you have to gas up to pull yourself out of a funk. I couldn't sit around and be sad, stop eating, feeling sorry for myself anymore. It's not healthy.

More Good Stuff Regarding Building Yourself Up After a Break-Up 1. The reason why she left is because you've become weak in more ways than one. You became predictable and no challenge to her. She wanted you to be unpredictable, challenging and fun again. The only way to fix this is become the man again. (Not only will she be attracted, but others will be and you won't need her anymore.) Right now, you have to eliminate all of her power of you to later spark attraction. (Attraction meaning that you are a bro again for only yourself, not her). Right now, you feel bad because you put all of your self worth on her view of you. Right now, her view of you is super weak. Once you let her know you don't want her anymore, you will feel in more control and start your life FOR YOU. You went out like a whiny boy and she doesn't find that attractive. Flip the script to get your mojo back. Don't worry about anything except your aesthetics, money, and flirt with new chicks. Getting dumped can be the best thing that's happened to you. One day, you'll wake up and say "F This. I need to go back to being the man again". Be the man you once were and everything else in your life will improve. Work hard at everything, put yourself first, and all else falls into place. 2. Female emotions cannot be logically defined by men. Don't waste your time thinking about what happened/what could have been. Think about what it can be and make it happen. You are going to talk yourself in circle for months until you wake up and get out of this fictitious reality you've created for yourself because you went soft and let a girl define you. Do not give her the time of day, do not text, do not response, do not get emotional. You will get whatever you want. 3. Always tell her that you understand and agree with the breakup. Then Go NC. She would love to watch you squirm, especially if you haven't treated her well. When you do see her, play it cool, don't be an @$$, show her the new side of you, don't bring up the breakup or any problems, and you'll be good. 4. At some point in the relationship, you stopped being the man and she took over and gamed your emotions. You became reactive instead of proactive. A follower instead of a leader. Whatever you did, push her away and let her come back to you, so you maintain your frame. 5. If you don't think it's working out, dump her immediately, drop off the face of the planet. No texts, calls, Facebook, smoke signals, etc. The only way to rebuild attraction is be the confident, cocky, mysterious dude that you once were and hook up with other girls and make sure she knows about it. 6. You have to show her (i) Your Value (Non-existent in her eyes), (ii) Your pre-selection (Other girls want you), (iii) Manliness (Walking away and not looking back), (iv) You are the prize (She has to earn it back). 7. Use every experience as a catalyst for change to become a better man. Sometimes, men get stuck emotionally in the past instead of embracing the future. Everyone gets their heart broken, learning why it happened can be a freeing experience to help you man-up, move on, and never allow her to get over on you again. 8. If you act like a bad@$$ and walk away like a man, she'll be unsure of herself and we'll want you in a few months time. 9. A woman's love is fickle and conditional no matter how long you've been together. Give her space and use dread games as a way to put things on ice. 10. You need to drive her nuts with aloofness before you can give in even the slightest. If done correctly, she will be yours for the taking if you even want her back. 11. If a wife/woman cheats, give her the boot before she does it against in future when you're even more invested and crushed. Ultimately, it's a lose-lose scenario. You either kick her to the curb and go through with the divorce OR you stay with her and she resents you for being weak, not giving her the boot, and feel as if you have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life. (Gotta cut the cord. It'll be better for you down the line) 12. When she contacts with some dumb BS, she just wants validation or else she'll start unraveling. DO NOT THINK WITH YOUR HEART or you'll get screwed. In your world, she doesn't exist for the next several months as you work on you. 13. When things are going bad, you need to push her away and start acting cold/distance to draw her back. Be the man and be unphased by her BS. The more you do, the more her attraction will fall. (You need to do whatever is counterinutive) 14. Women want to be led by a man, not by a boy. You must always show that you're higher value than she is. That way, she knows you're the prize. Don't reward bad behavior. Ignore her. 15. Patience is key. Do not contact or chase. They always come back. Patience is a big part of the game. Reel her in like a big fish (slow, no sudden movements) and then let her go. Build anticipation then go NC for days. She'll reward you for playing it cool.

Another update: Wife texted me again this AM, asking if we could still go to the financial mediator tonight. (She refused to go last week, but is now changing her tune.) I ignored her. She kept texting me and calling me about it. I ignore her and call the mediator and reiterate that we aren't coming tonight because I've already hired an attorney. (Wife does not know about the attorney. Divorce papers were filed today.) She responds with some BS saying "It's very immature to not attend tonight. You made the appointment and agreed to go. Now, you want to cancel it. You ignoring me is not going to help. You won't agree to a way forward." Funny, because she ignored my e-mails about bills. Anyway. It's funny how she wants to get me to mediation yet criticized my actions while doing it. She's back and forth, not wanting to talk to me when she feels like I'm hanging on. She also doesn't want to talk about the joint expenses, either. Now, she wants to 'mediate' after refusing to do so last week. This seems so typical; she wants to push me away, expecting me to run towards her. Also, didn't she need to talk to her attorney that was returning from vacation today? Ultimately, she doesn't want to stop her financial security (me) even though she's moved on emotionally and expects me to beg for her to return. Once she's served, I think she'll be surprised, solely because she hasn't been listening to me. She doesn't believe my words. Once she's served, she's either going to be super nasty or want to reconcile. (I think she'll be super nasty, so buckle up) UPDATE: One of her friends, who I know pretty well, just texted me. "Don't know what's going on with you guys, but I know you both and I'm concerned about the road ahead. I've seen unnecessary fights that end in massive expenses for both parties and the difficulty in moving forward when it's looked to as war instead of a change in life path. I'm here for you both. Try the mediator for both your benefits and a quicker, easier process that is beneficially emotionally and financially"

More good posts on divorce/respect: Feelings are irrational and will sabotage you every step. If you give into your feelings, bad things will happen. The person that care the least about the relationship, controls it. Don't project. Never think you really know what's going on in their mind. If she really wants to hang then she will ask, not you. She thinks dating will bring back feelings and it seems logical on the surface but it NEVER happens that way. Sure you'll have a good time for a while but she'll never jump in with both feet. It will feel like work to her and she'll eventually give up. For reconciliation to work, she has to already have those feelings, not "try" to bring them back. She won't have those feelings until she thinks she may lose you forever. Just for dignity's sake I would start moving forward with a divorce. Whether you actually go through with it or not isn't important. She cheated twice because she got away for it the first time and believes she can talk you into staying like before. She doesn't think you have a backbone so file and show her you are serious. There's usually a cool down time between filing and actually making a court date so during that time you can determine if it's what you really want to do. being nice will get you NOWHERE. Pull yourself out of her life. She needs to feel what's it's like to be without you in it. Sticking around only helps her move on, not you. Tell her you think it’s best if you get a divorce then be cold and business-like as possible. This will do a couple of things. It will show you have backbone and not allow yourself to be disrespected. It will also start to wake her up to the reality of losing you for good and make her evaluate what she really wants. Don’t expect anything major to happen overnight but in the next couple of months I’m betting she’ll come around. She has to miss you and feel what it’s going to be like to lose you before she even thinks about giving up the affair. If you try to make it work and force her into counseling then she’ll just end up resenting you. She has to WANT to work on the marriage first and if she doesn’t then you forcing the issue will just backfire on you. I found the best way to save a marriage is to stop trying to save it. When you get dumped or cheated on, it’s up to them to win you back since they did wrong, not you. You just back away and let them see what life is like without you. In the mean time you work on yourself and work on emotionally detaching so you will be prepared for whatever happens. Don’t think asking for a divorce is going overboard, it’s not and don’t think just because you file for a divorce you have to go through with it. It’s a show of strength which is what you need to do because any sign of weakness will be taken advantage of. You can't "nice" someone out of an affair. The only way to end the affair is to end the marriage. You need at least 6 months of hard NC for any changes to be worthwhile. The longer you put up with their disrespect, the longer they'll do it. They'll respect you more once you put your foot down. There's nothing you can do or say to get someone back. They have to want to try on their own accord. The only way to get an Ex back is to stop trying. Indifference is the key. Once you stop caring, you can have anything you want. After a break-up or separation, they may start contacting you a lot. This is to make sure they either (i) have control of you or (ii) feel guilty. People want their exes back because they feel rejected and want to 'fix' their mistakes. They won't feel any passion until they think they'll lose you for good. After a week or 2 of NC, they aren't missing you yet. It's all about control/making you feel bad. They will try to manipulate into responding to booster their ego. If you see them/try to hang with them after 1-2 weeks, they will flip flop and be gone soon. The more affectionate you are, the more they will pull away because it's a false recover and they still may be having an emotional affair. You’ve been a doormat all this time so she has no respect for you. You can’t love someone you don’t respect which is why she has been able to push you around. You had no backbone. The best thing you can do it reject her, ignore her calls, messages, turn down invites, ect. You have been too available all this time and that is a HUGE turnoff. She values what she can’t have and doesn’t appreciate what she does have. Her deleting you from FB is just a ploy to get you to crack and contact her. She is still playing you because she knows you are weak (unattractive) and expects doing that will get your attention and make you go back on your word and try to beg her back, to boost her ego more. Don’t fall into this trap and see it for what it is. It’s all a game to her and she thinks she can control you. You HAVE to stick to your guns and ignore, ignore, ignore. Your saving grace will be from cutting her out of your life and having a life without fixating on her. One day she will take back everything she said in your first post but that won’t be until she feels you no longer have any feelings left for her and are dating. My wife at one time said similar things to me and she ate her words. Never contact when highly emotional or strong feelings are involved. As long as someone is NC, they don’t know what you are doing/thinking and it lets their imagination run wild. They usually think worse case and it makes them think that they may have lost you and if that is really what they wanted. Stop worrying about her forgetting you or moving on while out of contact. It’s that kind of thinking that sabotages most people’s opportunities to reconcile. You think if you go NC then they will leave for good (which technically they already did, you are still in denial) when in reality they only way they’ll want to come back is when they think you have moved on. The best course of action is to continue to ignore her and act like you don't even know her. Don't let her see you hurt or suffering in any way. If she confronts you, say you are busy and leave and simply be disinterested. Act like you don't care and avoid having her see you. When an ex wants you back they will let you know but it won't be all at once. They will slowly try to work themselves into your life and the harder it is for them the more desperate they will get. Most people think that once an ex has tried to contact them that if they ignore it the ex will just give up and move on (ignoring the fact the ex already has moved on by dumping you to begin with). If that was true then technically all dumpees would move one once the ex rejects them. We all know that's not the case or else forums like this wouldn't exists. ALWAYS ignore these little “how are you”, “I’m doing this and that”, ect type text. She is just fishing for a response and the only reason she is doing this is that it’s become a challenge to her. If you had been responding back to her all along she most likely would be annoyed with you. Your “window of opportunity” will be after she has left the other guy. As long as she is dating someone you stick to your guns and stay NC at all cost. You would be surprised how cold they turn once you start talking again. One minute they are your best friend and waiting to go out for coffee, the next they say they can never speak to you again. Also don’t fixate on what a good time she must be having with the new guy. It’s never how you think it is.

Alright, back for another post. I read the "Way of the Superior Man" this morning. Riveting book. Aside from all of the relationship passages, the "know your purpose in life" section really hit home for me. Basically, the book says that a man must know what his purpose in life is and that purpose should the #1 priority in his life. Purpose is how you impact society and leave your impact on the world. Men that do not have a purpose go through life angry, unfulfilled, etc. You start living other people's priorities instead of your own, which leads to more unhappiness. (Leads to unhealthy relationships and misery.) Looking back, my marriage became my purpose, which just sounds stupid, but it did. Once that fell apart, I was left with nothing, which may be a blessing in disguise for positive change.... It got me to thinking; what is my true purpose? Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer. I've spent the last few years running around, keeping busy with the day-to-day tasks while not spending enough time looking inward. Some of those day-to-day tasks include: Dedicating too much of my time to helping my Mom move. I took that entire project on by myself. I should have asked for help. Instead, I got burnt out and put stress on my marriage Scrolling through social media and engaging in BS with people I don't even know. (I deleted all clutter apps from my cell phone today) "Getting through things" at work. I always stayed busy with trivial work things that are pretty meaningless. I never had a purpose outside of work. Not appreciating 'family time' as much because I lacked a purpose and direction. Lacking this purpose made me feel unfulfilled. Spending too much time gambling/wasting too much time checking scores Wasting too much time listening to stupid podcasts. Some podcasts are good, but I spent 100's of hours listening to garbage. Engaging in status games with people who I didn't care about. Always walking around with stupid headphones on when I should be just listening to the space around me. I've decided to remove all of the clutter, time wasting BS from my life, so I can focus on my purpose. In fact, I think I may have come up with it: Helping younger people and people that are disadvantaged. Right now, I can do this in the form of volunteer work. I attended a volunteer event last Wednesday and will sign up for events next weekend. In the future, this could envision leaving Corporate America, going back to school, and becoming a guidance counselor and a coach. I still want to be able to do some side hustles, but now is the time to put this into motion. For my entire life, I've always enjoyed helping others. It comes super natural to me. I'm only 30, but I've been through a lot of things and I know a lot of younger people, especially younger males, need more 'big brothers' and mentors in their life. I can be that person for them. I found this one blog post: 7 Strange Questions that Help You Find Your Life Purpose 1. What is your favorite flavor of 'Crapp sandwich'? (Everything involves sacrifice. Everything includes some sort of cost. What struggle are you willing to tolerate?) For me, am I willing to accept less money to help others/make a bigger impact on the world? Right now, no, but in the future, I can see it. 2. What's true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry? (We have tendency to lose touch with what we loved as children because we only get rewarded for certain actions.) For me, I would say that I haven't played team sports in about 8 years. I fell out of love with baseball, which I ALWAYS loved. I would say that I've been more guarded emotional, when I was a kid with a HUGE heart. Also, I'm not as close with my core family anymore. I need to fix all of these things!!!!!! 3. What makes you forget to eat and poop? (We've all had the experience of: Holy Crapp! I forgot about dinner) For me, my passion is for self-improvement. I love competing with myself (and others). If I get hooked into a great book, I'll lose track of the time. If I'm journaling/in a flow state, I lose track of time. I lose track of time at the gym. When I'm working on some of my football models, I love track of time. If I play fantasy sports, I want to dominate and will be obsessed until I can beat the game. 4. How can you better embarrass yourself? (You must suck at something before you get better. Right now, you're fantasize about doing something, but fear is stopping you.) For me, maybe singing or doing something musical. I've always wanted to try it. I've always been a jock. 5. How are you going to save the world? (In order to be happy/fulfilled, we must hold values greater than our own pleasure) For me, I would say mentoring younger guys that lack a positive male influence in their lives. Spending time putting smiles on the faces of those in pain (e.g., soup kitchen) 6. If you had to leave the house all day, every day, where would you go? The gym, taking a jog/walk down my the water, maybe even the library 7. If you were going to die 1 year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered? For me, make a positive impact on as many lives as possible. I would volunteer constantly. I would want to be remember someone who loved with all of his heart, was compassionate and kind. I've gotten away from that, but it's time to make things right again. Ultimately, discovering your purpose comes down to 1 or 2 things that are bigger than yourself and bigger than those around you. Find a way to spend your limited amount of time on Earth well. Get off the couch and act now.

Topic: Divorce, Healing (Cont.) It's hard to turn your brain off in situations like these. When you find yourself thinking about all this crap, ask yourself, "What good will come from thinking about this?" The answer is NOTHING. (It helps you break the cycle). There are so many things you can't control at the moment, so focus on what you can control. "I have given us a lot of thought and because of all the thing that happened between us, I don't think it's a good idea to try again. I hope you find that someone special to spend your life with." (Always take the high road). Wives will use your fear of losing her to walk all over you, your marriage, your vows, and dignity. Put your foot down and stop accepting this. Don't look to her texting you as some sign or hint that she still wants you. It's a text, nothing more, nothing less. You cannot compete against the fantasy. You are the guy paying the bills; the fantasy is giving passion and hot sex. Therefore, stop texting, stop asking if she loves you, stop professing love, stop kissing her butt, stop letting her walk all over you, etc. Toddlers are super brave whenever Mommy and Daddy is around. When Mommy and Daddy aren't around, they aren't as brave. Think of this analogy with your relationship. As long as she knows you're around/after her, she'll be super brave. Instead of pining for an ex, start taking better care of yourself, start dressing nicer, start being more aloof, start being the man you want to be, start spending more time with friends. Don't tell her about any of this. Let her discover on her own. There's no downside for her when you're a doormat. She has passion/love from new boyfriend while you at home, paying the bills. I know this great men whose wife walked away from a great life (2 kids, nice house, great husband). There was no reason other than the one she had in her mind. He begged to work on things. She rejected him. There was nothing tangible to workout, so she left and he was crushed. She went on to live her fantasy life with some guy, but ultimately, it ended. She came back and he took her back willingly. This taught her that he was weak and would allow her to use the house as a house base until another fantasy came along. This man is waiting for his kids to graduate so he can divorce her and move on. (Stay married is not enough. It's just a legal document, but if there's no passion, love, etc. It doesn't matter). You cannot 'drag' someone back to marriage. She has to come on her own free will because she sees the value in you, herself, your love. If she comes back after the fantasy fails/ends, YOU DON'T WANT THAT. RUN! Deep down, most men know the marriage is over, but still hold onto some hope. Most times, the wife's world is safe. She has husband, money, fantasy boyfriend, etc. If you attack that head on, she'll double down and strength her thoughts. Therefore, stay silent, work with lawyers and file for divorce. Reality has a way of forcing people to take a long, hard look at their actions. She'll feel angry at you because of what you represent. You are the reality, the thing that makes her feel guilty, times her to reality, and she resents you for it and aims her anger at you. If you 100% agreed to her divorce terms, she'd be less angry, but would still blame you for her unhappiness. When breakups first happen, wives will blame husbands for everything--and some husband believe it. They tell their friends about what's going on and the friends start telling him 'Stop doubting yourself, bro! Stop beliving her crap and excuses'. Once he shook it off, he got his feet back under him and started doing what was best for him. You get their attention by doing the opposite of what she expects. Improve yourself in every way. In the end, it comes down to her changing her mind and wanting to come back to rebuild the trust of the marriage. Don't pick up her crumbs, which makes her doubt her power over you. It takes a long, long time to get to reconciliation, if at all. There are many men preying upon wives with all kinds of promises and lies to get them into bed. She'll get a lot of attention, but it will take her awhile to realize she's being used. During divorce, don't get caught in possessions. The changes you make to yourself are great signs. Trying to make sense of a dysfunctional situation will drive you crazy. Remember, it only needs to make sense to her at that very moment. Cheaters never come clean, unless they know they're dead to rights. The changes in her are a direct result of the changes in you. She can see you are about done and her safety net is about to be ripped away. Typically, her 'reasons' for doing what she's doing are all thing she could have turned to you, but instead, she turned to someone else. Many times, she wants to get her 'truth' out without rebuttal. Therefore, she'll confide in friends that agree with all of the BS. She'll spin the tale of how terrible you are and lists all of the bad things you did. The friends will agree without knowing the real truth, so she get validated. When cheaters get busted, they don't show any remorse at first. After a day or so, they'll break down and 'want to work on us'. It's all BS to keep you hooked, so they can see their BF. Shaming someone and labeling them as a cheater for all to see can be devastating. You are getting divorced for a reason. You are not trying to teach her a lesson. Life will teach her lessons she needs soon enough. You'll see the wheels come off her 'fantasy'. Once you put divorce in motion, don't take your foot off the gas. Wives can't stop their fantasy because their happiness hinged on it. They will always re-write history to justify their actions. They'll never admit what they did was a horrible betrayal. She'll say that you were a bad husband, shut her out emotionally, etc. This is all just a big justification for what she's doing. Sometimes when you get all the answers, nothing changes. You are still dealing with a cheater, liar, selfish person that's only focused on fantasy. Truth is a curious thing. There's your truth, the truth you want, and her truth. They will normally tell the truth they want to believe. Reality truth is nearly impossible for them to accept. Once an argument is over, you don't keep rehashing it. If it keeps happening, a person keeps having to pay the toxic price for a crime he's no longer committing. Men are taught from an early age that we need to provide for, protect, and work hard for our families. Most men think if they do these things, they're a good husband. Of course, this isn't true because there's so much more. Remember when you were a kid and stopped playing with a toy because you got bored of it? Some other kid picked it up and started playing with it, so you wanted it back? Same thing with relationships.

Going to do a few posts that consolidate some of the best advice I've read on ENA. Topic: Divorce, Healing When women leave their husbands, they may be in some fantasy/dysfunctional state, but the husband cannot fix that. The husband must take a stand and dictate what will happen in his life, not let her do it. She needs to accept what she's doing isn't right and want to work on a resolution. Sometimes, she stalls hoping her 'fantasy' can continue while the husband pays the bills. (Keep eyes open, mouth shut.) Cheaters lie and then lie some more because that's what they do. Learn to accept that she isn't the same person you thought she was. During reconciliation, many partners feel crushed after counselling because their partner lies like a rug. When wives leave, they may have an emotional affair. She takes all of the emotional connection she had for you--and given it to another. This is why they are cold. She has to be cold because if she gives you affection, it's like 'cheating' on her boyfriend. You cannot change their mind with reason, logic, etc because she's been thinking about this for awhile and convinced herself it's the right thing to do. Most wives leave for their 'fantasy'. Husbands cannot compete with the fantasy no matter what they do. The fantasy isn't real or logical, but she will never see it no matter how much evidence you show her. Instead, saving yourself is more important than saving your marriage. Acceptance has become your best friend; realize she isn't the same person anymore and you'll be okay. Start thinking about where you want to be long-term. That means close the door on the wife and looking at the future. Most wives think their husbands are afraid of losing them, so they take a new BF out for a test drive while you are strung along. /// Anatomy of Adultery: Stage 1 (Women): In emotional need. Lonely, suffers from low self-esteem, has difficulty making female friends. She reaches for romance in her husband, but he doesn't notice. She nags and complains. Stage 1 (Men): He's made business committments. He's in a highly competitive, satisfying position. His emotional energies are drained when he gets home. He loves his wife, but doesn't have time to 'carry her' psychologically. Stage 2 (Women): Experiences greater frustration and depression, which turns into anger. Stage 2 (Men): Makes some feeble attempts to relate to wife. He is still over-committed to work and falls back into familiar patterns. Stage 3 (Women): She's needy and in a dangerous position. She's vulnerable to men. A flirtatous man sets wheels in motion. He becomes her fantasy. He is so compassionate compared to her husband, more in touch with her feelings, etc. Nothing has happened, but she thinks about him a lot. She is becoming an adultress in her mind. Stage 3 (Men): Continued ignorance of what wife is experiencing. He wishes she'd be happier because he loves her and the kids, but doesn't know how her unhappiness relates to him. Stage 4 (Women): Affair begins to heat up. More secret meetings, conversations, etc. She feels guilty, but excited. Her husband doesn't seem to care. Finally, sex happens. Stage 4 (Men): Not aware of any unfaithfulness. He notices some coolness, but suspicions are not aroused. He becomes accustomed to her hostile attitude. Stage 5 (Women): More illicit sexual activity with the guilt, fear, raw passions that accompany this way of life. Her spiritual life decreases as she lies and rationalizes a double standard. She loses all sexual interest in husband. Stage 5 (Men): Starts worrying about his deteriorating relationship. Doesn't have much evidence yet, but knows something changed. He is confused. Stage 6 (Women): Affair continues, hot and heavy. Stage 6 (Men): Discover her affair. Feels betrayed. He's shocked. He confronts her in one of the most unpleasant encounters in their lives. Stage 7 (Women): Feelings of guilt/embarrassment are concealed behind rationalizations and recriminations against her husband. Won't admit to anything. Will continue to lie and deceive. On the other hand, some women will beg and cry for forgiveness. Emotions get wild at this stage. Stage 7 (Men): Feels enormous pain for the first time. His unfaithful partner becomes top priority in his life. After months of ignoring her, he'll do anything to get thru to her. He crawls, cries, bargains with her. None of this works. Stage 8 (Women): Critical juncture. Some wives want to reconcile w/ husbands. Other want to have their way with a new lover, who is more exciting and alluring. She may pity her husband and doesn't want to hurt him, but finds him boring and disdainful. Stage 8 (Men): Pain is intensified. Most stress of his life. Jealousy burns through his mind. Feels rage, guilt, remorse, love, hate, despair. Makes all of the critical mistakes and is now dealing with low self-esteem, which his wife experienced years ago. Stage 9 (Women): "A woman wants a man she can look-up to, but one who won't look down on her". Women need to hold their husbands in certain awe or modest respect. The woman feels a tug of war in her mind. She sees the flaws of her new lover for the first and knows her family is hurting. Her romantic dream fades. Sex is still exciting, but the thrill is gone. All of the ugly realities of divorce hit her in the face. Is that what she wants? Still, she remembers her prior state of loneliness. "I can't go back to taht!!" It is that motivation, above all, that may push her over the edge. Stage 9 (Men): He can't stand it anymore. His work suffers and his reveals he's under strain. Her behaviors assassinate his respect. Stage 10 (Women): She decides to divorce. Papers are filed, assets are divided. Emotions run high, but life goes on. Before the woman goes to bed, she thinks to herself, "What Have I done?!" Stage 10 (Men): His mind cannot tolerate depression and grief indefinitely. He turns pain into anger. He harbors deep hositility towards wife. He doesn't accept blame for what has happened, instead he feels betrayed. He wouldn't take wife back under any circumstance. Stage 11 (Women): She weds her new lover and life is exciting for a bit. Eventually, it becomes like her first marriage. The thrill is gone, the daily routine takes over. The probabilities of divorce are much higher. Both she and her love feel good about things--except they feel guilty about the children. Stage 11 (Men): Works his way through bitterness to a state of apathy. Life returns to normal, except wife is gone. He will probably re-marry because divorced men are in high demand. He loses himself in work and slams door on past. He also feels guilty about kids. // Most men want to FIX something, yet there may not be anything to fix. Maybe she got bored, felt less desirable, and some guy gave her attention. maybe her dreams were never fulfilled (Not your responsibility). Maybe divorced friends are filling her head with stories about being single. Who knows. Regardless, you must work on yourself and save yourself. Could you have been a better husband? Yes, Absolutely!!! Would that have stopped them from leaving? No way because it's an internal struggle for them. The trigger could be many things (lack of happiness, lack of direction, boredom). When people are unhappy, some look inwards and some look outward. Those who look outward find something/someone to blame. Most wives can't blame their lifestyle, so they blame the husband. She gets unhappy and therefore tries to find something (or someone) for happiness. Turning to someone is the worst possible thing. Remember when you first started dating and everything was great? That's what you are competing against now.

Going to do a few posts that consolidate some of the best advice I've read on ENA. Topic: Break-Ups, Getting Back Together. The biggest problem with relationships? Expectations. Women want to be treated like they were before marriage and men coast a little in marriage. Men need to understand that women still need attention and to be 'entertained', but women need to do a better job of communicating that. Women are so concerned with 'hurt feelings' that men don't take their problems seriously until it's too late. Most men never think they're wife would leave, much less have an affair. In time, men understand why it happened (Problem with communication, expectations) Men crave desire and respect. Women crave love and security. Many people screw up and think that the first sign of an ex softening up, they want to reconcile. That's almost never the case. Instead, if the ex shows up, let her say her piece, without questioning it. Once she's done, find a way to kick her out. (Keeps pressure off). Relationship talk is highly inappropriate. Later on, she'll make other excuses to contact you. Respond at your leisure. When she notices you aren't pursuing, she'll step up her game. She has to be the one pursuing. Some women are just too emotionally immature to be in a serious relationship. Some will give 'excuses' for what she's been doing when she just wants to bone other jerks. These women are in denial and trying to re-write history so they look noble. These women are not self-aware and taking them back would be a nightmare since they would pull the same thing again. Sometimes, exes are feeling guilty and reach out to you to make themselves feel better. Don't respond to this type of stuff. Later on, she'll think back and realize she lost her one true love. "Interruption Marketing" works because we remember things that interrupt our train of thought. Therefore, don't fight her on her decision or invalidate her feelings. Don't get depressed and beg. Don't try to change her mind. By not doing this stuff, you interrupt her feelings about you and the marriage. Trustworthiness + Consistency + Time = Trust Women tend to make excuses for their own choices. Immature people do this. They will put the blame on you so she doesn't feel guilty. This is good and bad. Bad because she's immature. Good because she still cares about you. Any attempt to 'fix' the relationship will backfire. Anything you do will look desperate and fake. The more you talk to her, the more she realizes she made the right decision to leave. Ignore all unimportant contacts. Cut her out of your life. If she changes her mind, it happens when you're out of the picture. When women leave their husbands, they stay with friend/family or move in with boyfriend. It's great at first, but then they realize they aren't as compatible. Affairs are fantasies and nothing kills that faster than moving in together. Fantasyland magnifies all of the good traits, not bad. After a couple of months, things fall apart in fantasyland and she tries to reconcile with husband. She may/may not come back to fantasyland (It all depends on how husband handles her). She won't be interested until she thinks you actually hate her. RobD's wife had to practically beg him to take her back. You have to do the opposite of what you want to get the results you want. Going NC is good for mental health. Staying in contact drags things out. You can't make a mistake if you don't do anything. Most women won't say they've lost respect for their husbands. During a breakup/seperation, don't take anything they say to heart. They almost always change their minds. She wants you to be a man, so man-up and give her what she wants. She'll think twice once she gets it. In order to save a marriage, you have to end it. She has already checked out and has been for some time. Nothing you say will change her mind. Don't try to talk her out of her decisions. Tell her she's right about whatever and she deserves to be happy. Get your affairs in order and start discussing how to split things up. Act like divorce is your idea. This tends to freak them out. In a divorce/seperation, she'll want to do the opposite of what you want. Most people that walk away don't understand all of the consequences of their actions, so its the man's job to show them. She's most likely having an affair, which is motivating her to do this. Affairs fail at a 90% rate, so don't be overly concerned if you find out about it. You need to act mad because they know it's wrong and being forgiving makes you look weak. (This would be the best time for YOU to file for divorce). Filing shows you have limits. Don't take anything back. She'll respect you if you stick to your word, even if it's bad for her. You can will her back if you can get her respect back, which means acting indifferent to her. She will hate it at first, but once she sees you'll be fine w/o her, she will have second thoughts. As long as you try to win her back, she'll pull away. If you talk, keep it business-like. Use time apart to fix your flaws. If you are still the same guy, your next relationship will fail for the same reasons. Typically, they need 6 weeks (or more) to get over the bad feelings of the relationship. Contact before makes you look weak/makes her angry and reinforces her decision to leave. Time and silence are your best friends. Over time, you think about her less and less, and she will think about you more and more. Breaking NC just restarts the clock again. Never talk to her friends (or any mutual friends) about her. When you are emotionally charged, it's hard to control what you say. Put out word that you are no longer interested in being with her, period. You become much more desirable if she thinks you no longer want her. When she says she doesn't see you being together in the future, agree. She expects you to disagree because you have different wants. Never tell her she's wrong or how things should be. Just take her at her word and leave it at that. The more you try to stay away, the more she'll chase. In 6 months time, they typically 'take back' everything they've done (assuming you've kept your head on right). Everything she says right now will hurt, so avoid talking at all costs. Women detach emotionally for a long time. Therefore, it takes time to defuse all of that negativity. By the time she comes around, you won't care anymore. Don't fight her and move forward with the divorce. Go NC and work up the courage to file and serve the papers. Filing sends a message that you are not going to take her crapp. Don't be nice to her anymore. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. She has no idea how things are going to change for her, especially after the honeymoon phase wears off. This will blow-up in her face as long as you keep your distance and give her what she asks. Look at the bright side: There's a whole world out there and she jsut gave you a guilt-free out. If she wants to work on things, it will be up to her and she'll have convince you it's worth it. To get o that point, tyou have to detach and move on like it's over for good. RobD's wife told him she would never be happy with him again. Overtime, she changed her mind. It takes time, months and months. You are going to hurt really bad for awhile, but the longer you go without talking, the better. She'll miss you once you disappear for awhile. 3 months tends to be the magic number for some reason, but wait 6 months until you give her the time of day. Try to picture your life alone. After a breakup, most women feel pity, not love or respect, which you have to change. A lot of guys screw up a lot at the beginning, which is okay. To win back her respect, she has to think you don't care about her anymore. She's not coming back anytime soon. If she did, she'd be gone very quickly. Any form of contact pushes them away. One of the best things to get women to open up: Take ownership for what you've done first. (e.g., I wasn't as affectionate or as emotionally available as I should have been, which made her feel insecure and vulnerable to someone filling those voids). Once you take the blame, she'll defend you and take the blame for her issues. You can't just confront them or tell them straight out what you need. You have lure it out of them by putting yourself out there and letting them feel safe and not judged. When I finally said I wanted to get this embarassment of a marriage over with, it got her attention and she talked herself back into his life. Ego is a killer. We can't deal with rejection, but if you can regain your confidence, you can pick yourself up and find someone good. Use reverse psychology. "I Understand why you felt the need to leave and hope her life works out for the best. I accept your decision and you will move on from here." Women will respect men that stand up to them and show them that they no longer need them in their lives. (Nobody respects a butt kisser and nobody can love someone they don't respect) Women are afraid to call exes because they think you'll keep asking her to take you back. Never call them first. Nothing you say will make any difference. Being friends enables them to move on. NC is good because they expect you to chase. The best thing to do? Stop talking to her about anything personal and act like you are 100% in favor of the divorce. Be in response mode only. She needs to feel you slipping away, which will make her panic and contact more. Don't ask to meet up. Let her do that. She only cares about how she feels right now and anything you say will backfire. Don't TELL her you are moving on; SHOW HER. Make changes, but don't tell her about it. Give her what she wants and agree to whatever she says about the relationship. She'll have second thoughts when the pressure is off. Most exes re-write history. If it gets brought up, say something along the lines of "You are right. I did rush the divorce and we should have just seperated. I'm sorry, I was just doing what I thought you wanted." Really, it's just paperwork afterall. Most times, she is feeling guilty and wants to put it on you. When you make changes, they usually don't believe them at first and think its temporary. On top of that, they still keep all of the negative things about the relationship handy and will have an emotional wall built. Just prepare like it's over for good. Over time, your goal is to be happy and confident again. Be a little aloof and mysterious about your life. Don't bring up the relationship (that's her job) and let her take the lead discussing the relationship. Keep talking about things you've done since you've been alone.

One other wrinkle to add to this post: We've been taking each other off of joint accounts over the last few days. Today, she texted me, telling me she removed me from the joint cell phone account. No reply from me. Therefore, I had to go through the process of getting onto my own account. Pretty easy. Anyway, I had to sign-in through the main interface. I couldn't help, but snoop through her call log. I kept seeing the same phone number popping up a recent contact. She was having lengthy conversation with this number multiple times. Anyway, I did a Google search of that number--and it's this older, loser of a guy that she had mentioned to me months ago. She mentioned how this old loser might be a good rebound for one of her girlfriends who getting divorced at the time. This guy is a total loser, lives at home with Mom & Dad (He's 42), and is a mutual friends of some of her new girlfriends. The dude is ugly as dirt. While mistakes were made on both sides, she's been trying to convince me that I've been the problem all along. Needless to say, I'm not innocent, but she isn't innocent easier. Maybe it's a way to alleviate her guilt of having an affair? Who knows. She's probably having an affair, while she's still married to me. It's disgusting and I'm outraged. Getting served the divorce papers will be a huge wakeup call for her. Also, I've changed the locks on the apartment.

Today, I hired an attorney to serve divorce papers for my 5-year marriage. I've given all of the necessary information and asked them to move forward with filing the divorce. I think she will be served by early next week. Needless to say, I don't want to do this, but I don't feel like I have a choice at this point. We don't have any kids, don't own a home, etc., so it should be a fairly smooth process. More on this below. Long-story short, my wife and I haven't been getting along for the last 6 months. Right now, I'm in 'job limbo' and have shut down emotionally in some ways. I've been to counselling, been working on my issues, but haven't been able to 'get right' yet. There's never been any abuse, cheating, money issues in our relationship; just we haven't been getting along/I've been questioning what's next for me, career wise. I'm the type of person who likes to have a plan (very male of me) and right now, I'm in limbo with my job, so I don't have a plan, which has led to some indecisiveness on my part. She moved out of our apartment about 2 weeks ago--and contact has been very sparse. I've wanted her to come back home to work on things, but she refuses. She says that I'm being indecisive and she doesn't know what to trust right now. She's blown off my emails about joint bills, blown off my attempts at finding someone to mediate our seperation/divroce, etc. She only wants to use her 'hand picked' person to handle the seperation/divorce mediation. When I looked her person up, I didn't have a good feeling at all. My gut told me that this was bad and I need to proactive. Luckily, I have attorneys in my family, I showed them some of the texts--and my family is convinced that she's working with an attorney of her own. She also asked me questions about my retirement package and possible job severance. Asking about the job severance, which I haven't been offered yet, is a huge red flag. The severance package itself is in the 6-figure range, plus I don't know when I'd receive it. Therefore, I had to instruct my attorney to work as quickly as possible to file the paperwork. Once filed, my potential severance is safe. The severance is my gateway to moving forward, whether it's to a new state or new opportunity, so I have to protect it all costs, especially since I don't trust her intentions at this point. This whole situation just stinks. At this point, I don't trust anything she does or says. I don't think she trusts anything I do or say. This situation is just a disaster all around. My gut tells she wanted to 'ambush me' with her handpicked person---and that's just wrong. I felt like she used my emotions against me because I don't want to be divorced. We've been together for 10 years, married for 5. It sucks. It hurts. I had to tell my boss and co-workers what the deal is because I need time to work my attorney, gather belongings, etc. I work with all women in an office job. They were all so sad for me and told me they're here for me. I've walked around with the pain at work for at least 6 months. I couldn't do it anymore and needed to tell them. I felt a big sigh of relief afterwards. Overall, I haven't been eating. I've had a headache for about 5 straight days now. I feel like total garbage. I know I'll come out of this okay, but I feel crappy now. Also, we've made a lot of great financial decisions during our marriage. Watching all of that come burning down in attorney fees, settlements, etc. is going to be hard. I appreciate any comments or feedback from those on how to deal.

A million thoughts going through my head about all of this. It just feels so crazy to me, but here we are. Here is some advice that I've received so far. 1. Would I ever truly trust any reconcilation efforts? Ever? Why? She will probably want to reconcile if she think she can't make it on her own, financially. If I did reconcile, I'll be right back where I am now years later. I may have a house or a kid or 2 by then. That would be a disaster. I would feel like a pushover. 2. One lawyer told me to just go through with the divorce. He has told clients that if you still like each other after the divorce, he could date and get re-married. The relationship changes and you are both smarter about the progression. 3. Everyone has issues throughout their lives that makes them re-examine their lives and decisions. Real bad things happen to people. Overall, my wife and I have had it pretty easy. No stress with kids, bankruptcy, health problems, etc. If we aren't coming together to change together now, how do you think you'll weather the really hard stuff? Don't choose to be unhappy. You are either (i) respecting who the other person is and learning to live through it or (ii) you are just hurting yourself and each other. Do not live your life being crticized and miserable. 4. You can only make decisions with the information you have available at the time. What may come later is only speculation and should not be what you base your decision on. I've the done the best I could with the information I've had. Don't stay if it's over. I'm not a martyr.

One thing to add regarding the mediator; I'm running out of time on the tax thing. I have to file and pay by April 15th. Therefore, I need resolution soon and she has not been agreeable at all. I had to be proactive on this point since she was unwilling to cooperate/communication. If the tax thing wasn't an issue, I would have been in NC for almost 2 weeks, but I can't screw around with taxes. Looking back, I mismanaged the money and should have paid the tax bill in January when things were good. At the same time, she shouldn't try to use this as leverage. Using it as leverage is wrong and evil.

Well, here we go. Brief update on things. 4/2/19: I return to counselling. I have a great session. I start to open up about some of the demons I'm dealing with. The counselor suggests that I make an open hearted plea to my wife. I don't think that's the right move, so I choose not to do that. 4/3/19: No contact at all with my wife. I attended orientation for a fun volunteer group. It will be a good way to meet new people. Whenever I've been hurting/hurt in my life, I always turn to helping others. That's the only way for me to deal with the pain. Today: I've been frustrated that my wife hasn't been forthcoming with the money I owe for my tax return. The amount I owe isn't a couple hundred dollars; it's tens of thousands of dollars. A few months ago, we agreed to split the money up ourselves. Everything was even. Hell, we even bought a car in cash and split it. She uses the car 100% of the time. Silly me. Now, when I have a large tax bill due, she won't agree to give me the money that's due. I wrote her a very nice e-mail a week ago, attached my tax returns, told her that I had nothing to hide. She blows off my e-mail. I'm angry because I feel it's disrespectful to not even acknowledge. (She said that she had a tough week and the tone was wrong). After I look through my recent credit card charges, I will see various charges for nails, hair, dinners, etc. I get pissed, close the accounts, and take half of the money that's rightfully mine. She think it's 'crazy' that I did this, but I felt disrespected. A man feeling disrespected is the worst thing in the world. All of this happened over the weekend. Once the emotions calmed down, I decided to be more proactive. This morning, I decide to be proactive and find a nice mediator. Well, I received a great referral for a mediator. The mediator is located close to her parents' house and I scheduled an appointment for 8:30pm on Monday. I sent her all of the mediator's information. I told her to call her and talk to her. The mediator is very nice and very honest. My wife refused. Instead, she wanted to use 'her person'. I asked her to send me the information for her person and I'd give him a call. She didn't provide his information. Instead, she said that he could draft a proposal for me to review and I said, no, I want to mediate this thing and we aren't capable of discussing this/settling on our own. She started pressing me, asking me to tell her what I wanted. I refused to tell her anything and once again, asked for the contact info for her 'mediator'. At this point, I start getting super suspicious. I send screen shots of this conversation to my aunt, who is a family practice lawyer. My aunt tells me that she's exhibiting behavior of someone whose been coached by an attorney. My aunt asks me to see if she's willing to budge on the tax money or anything. I tell my wife to ask her attorney if she's willing to give me the tax money (or not) by tax day. My wife responds by saying 'I thought we could sit and discuss all of this. It would be part of the negotiation'. About 30 minutes later, she finally gives me the name of her person, who is apparently a lawyer and mediator. She still claims he's a 'mediator', but he can't mediate if she's disclosed personal information. For some reason, she has an odd attachment to this particular attorney. Maybe it's a referral of a friend. Who knows. She claims she hasn't hired him, but I don't believe anything she says at this point. At this point, my aunt gave me some attorney recommendations. I've spoken to one and have a consultation set-up for tomorrow. I'm also having the locks changed on the apartment and had her name removed from the apartment lease. At this point, I'm all in on filing for divorce. I felt like her asking me to come to 'her mediator' was just setting up to be ambush and I wouldn't be ready for it. At this point, I have to be smart for myself. This hurts so much and I can't believe things have reached this point, but here we are. All of the money we saved and the life we built will be destroyed because we couldn't effectively communicate during this rough time. It's so sad. She's totally emotionally detached. I'm angry at this point. It's just so, so sad that a 10 year relationship has reached this point, but I feel like I have no other options. Mistakes were made on both sides, which sucks, but it's life. I can't waste anymore of my future on this.

Back for another post. It's clear to everyone that I need to work on myself. I agree with that. I feel like a lot of things in my life are slipping through my fingers (e.g., job, relationship, family). Big picture, my parents' divorce, which happened about 3 years ago, had a very bad impact on me. I grew up with a very small family. Holidays were amazing. There was so much love and joy in our house. I felt so loved as kid. Little did I know that my parents were absolutely miserable---and my Dad only stayed with my Mom for us. When my parents got divorced 3 years ago, I felt like I didn't have a family anymore. My Dad has a new girlfriend and moved to Florida. My Mom has extremely mental problems--and it got to the point where I couldn't even talk to her because she was so hurt by the divorce. I've never been close with my sister. All of my grandparents are dead. Recently, I started talking to some aunts and uncles again, but everyone lives at least 3 hours away or in a different state. I never truly embraced my wife's family even though they were practically begging me to feel them. They loved me and always wanted to see me. I always had my guard up because I didn't want to get disappointed/hurt again. It sounds silly, but that's how I felt. Over the last few months, I started to isolate myself away from her family for other reasons. More on that below. Since my core family basically fell apart, my identity and self-worth became tied to my job/individual personal development. For the last 8 years, I've crushed it at work. I've become such a superstar. I've gotten big promotions, big raises, a lot of respect, etc. In December 2017, my company was verbally acquired. The acquisiton wasn't finalized until 2 weeks ago. When the company was verbally acquired, all of my projects went on hold as the whole company went into limbo. The New Company hasn't given any indication on next steps, either. That led to a lot of sadness and disappointment on my part because my job, which was a job I dreamed of, became my identity. In my mind, I had a great job---and it was being taken away from me. There's nothing I could have done to change that, but I felt a lot of sadness. I started working on other 'side hustles'. Some of them were super, super successful and I made more money, but my day-to-day, core job was being taken away from me. That led to sadness. "Losing control" of my job made me neglect and shut down other aspects of my life. It felt as if I was losing another important part of my life. I started to neglect my wife, my friends, etc. I started to feel super anxious. I was afraid of losing more from my life that I put up walls. Unfortunately, all of those walls led to my frustrating my wife to the point of her wanting to leave--and probably file for legal separation or divorce. I said a lot of mean things to her because I felt uncertain for the future and just started to feel down. I isolated from her family because I felt inadequate because I didn't have the next job/mission ready to go. I've always been the type of person who has a plan---and I don't have that right now. That led to extreme sadness. I know this sounds crazy to some, but this is how I felt. I'm going back to counselling tomorrow--and this is the root issue I plan on discussing. Through counselling, my goal is find out why this thought pattern happened, why I started to shut down on my wife, friends, and family. How I can stop this negative thought pattern from destroying my life even further. Before my parents divorce, I was such a happy person. The love easily flowed through me and everyone could feel it! I have to work hard, fix this negativity, and start feeling good again. My end game with counselling is hopefully acceptance and finding ways to fix this negative thought pattern. This sense of inadequacy has destroyed my life.

Some good information I found online: I spend a lot of time with men who are just now discovering the possibility of separation or divorce. Every man wants the same thing. He wants his wife back. He wants her to love him again. He wants to “save the marriage”. He wants a second chance to prove things can be better and he can be different. He would give anything if she would just change her mind and decide to stay with him and not break up the family. Many times he gets his wish. And, oddly, he is conflicted when his wife comes knocking again on their door. He isn’t so sure he wants her back, at least, not the way things were before. Why is that? Because he has made serious changes in himself and his outlook. He has changed what he expects of himself no matter what she decides to do. He has also changed what he expect for himself…and he realizes that he’s not the only one who needs to make some changes. About a Woman's Trust: For the wife who has been sadly and quietly planning her departure for two years, there is almost nothing you can say or do that will impress her or change her mind. She is done with the current version of this marriage and can’t imagine taking the risk of trying again. One woman colleague explained it this way. “The only thing worse than trusting someone and getting hurt is trusting them again and getting hurt a second time. We will avoid that at all costs.” It’s not that she doesn’t want to trust. She can’t trust. Think of it as an incurable physiological reaction. The current version of her, you and the marriage is a horror movie – as stupid as that may sound to you. But to her it’s the only logical, self-preserving move possible. Move away from the “horror”. The only reason a disconnected, untrusting and unhappy wife will want you back is if she sees real, unquestionable and authentic changes in you. They can’t be changes she wants – they must be changes you want. When I see a wife who moves past her fear to attempt a reconnection, it’s because something dramatic has happened. It is something so shockingly unexpected that she becomes interested or, at least, curious again. Here’s a sample of shocking things you can stop. If you actually learn how to stop these and feel great about it…she will notice. She won’t say anything – but she will notice. 1. Stop asking questions and demanding explanations 2. Stop initiating long, heavy conversations over and over again 3. Stop interrogating her about everything she says and does 4. Stop trying to impress her and make her pleased with you 5. Stop reacting to everything from a place of resentment and anger 6. Stop texting her about anything emotional or relationship related 7. Stop talking to her friends and family about her Bonus: Stay the hell off of Facebook! Yes. If you do all 7 of those and find a way in your manly mojo to become comfortable and confident in doing so, you will feel amazing. You must want to do these for you – not her. And you will be noticed. //// Here are some shocking things you can start doing. If you actually choose to do these from a place of non-negotiable commitment to yourself and feel great about it…she will be curious. She still probably won’t say anything – but she will be curious. 1. Start spending quality time with quality men doing quality things 2. Start learning about male confidence and insecurity and how to increase one and reduce the other 3. Remain kind, considerate and compassionate toward her at every turn 4. Be cooperative but not a push-over 5. Calmly lead conversations about how the separation or divorce will go 6. Confidently lead the difficult process of discussing finances 7. Gently guide the uncomfortable conversations about child custody 8. Start the process of imagining your life as a happily divorced guy Yes. This sounds like the process of giving up and letting go. Exactly. The most significant and shocking change a man can make in himself at this point is to give up his need to control and his need to maintain his death grip on her. And you have to mean it. You must reach a place where your desire to save yourself is more than your desire to save the old version of your marriage. You must be more invested in the process of realizing your value as a man than the result of saving your status as a husband. There is nothing more simultaneously intriguing and unsettling to a wife than a husband who has become clearly aware of his own value as a man. //// What to do When She Comes Back Knocking on the Door Hey, you’re the one who wanted her back. I can’t tell you what to do next. I’m just saying that I’ve seen it happen way too many times to not warn you it could happen. And if it does happen it will only be because she knows your changes had no expectation of her. You were not playing a game. You were not trying to manipulate an outcome. This is only possible when you decide to make changes to your core way of thinking and way of being as a man. The changes must be for you without an attachment to her reactions. Yep, it’s not easy. But in my humble (but accurate) opinion, this is the very best time of your life to learn this lesson. For most guys, it takes this much pain to motivate them toward change. When you make these changes you will become very clear what you expect of yourself. You will also get clear about your expectations for another go at a relationship with her or anyone else for that matter. And you won’t be afraid to say so.

More texts this afternoon. I went to church during lunch. I stayed for the service. I went to confessional afterwards. I haven't been in confessional in about 15 years. I wanted to confess that I let my marriage fall apart. (Obviously, both people have a hand in falling apart, but I can only control me.) After I left confessional, I sent this message: Me: I know I hurt you and broke the trust you have in me. I didn't handle my work stress well and became unsure of things. I accept that and apologize. I went to church today and did a confessional. I confessed that I hurt you, damanged our marriage, and asked for forgiveness. The priest asked us both to pray to save our marriage. It's going to take time, but I want to show that I can be trusted against with your heart and I will be a better man. My action matter and my action will show you my changes in time. Her: I appreciate that you did that, but I still think you need to fix yourself for you. I think some of what you have said is truly how you feel. I'm concerned about many things, including your mental health. Idk what's going on, but I'm concerned with your stability. I just don't see how we go back and fix things. You need to work on yourself for yourself. Me: I want to be as clear as possible. I want to work on my marriage. I said a lot of things out of anger because I felt disappointed career wise and felt like I should be achieving more. I want you to come home when you are ready. I'm not putting pressure on that. We aren't 'just dating' and we aren't 21-years-old anymore. Did I do harmful things and hurt you? Yes, I did. Do I have things to work on? Yes, I do. I'm starting solo counselling tomorrow night and looking into a marriage counsellor. Her: I hear what you are saying, but I don't think you are hearing me. It's more than hurtful words. You clearly want different things from your life and you made it clear you were willing to do it alone. You kicked me out, I'm not coming home. There's no way we can live together now or remotely soon. I'm happy you are going to counselling for yourself. You have to understand that you've flipflopped so much that you say these things now, but in 2 weeks, you'll go to extreme hate again. When you say these things, I don't even have any feeling anymore because it's gone on too long. /// Going back to NC. Going to work on myself as outlined in my post, above.

Overall, here's what I think happened. I allowed some general job frustration, lack of progression of life due to cost of living, and my parents divorce throw me off center. I live in a state where the cost of living is super high. At 30, I thought I'd be further along than where I currently am even though I make good money. In addition, we have a large student loan bill every month that we have to pay that takes up about 25% of our paycheck. I didn't handle these things the right way. In addition, I've been dealing with some job uncertainty for the last year or so. I let all of these affect my marriage because I shut down without voicing how I was feeling. My way of dealing with it was to shut down and interalize it. As we got more information at work, my feelings about the job and future became rocky. I changed my mind a lot because the information changed a lot. I allowed those changes to affect me. In addition, I've floating moving to my wife several times over the last few years. Her family is nearby, so moving is a scary proposition. Sometimes, she was receptive. Other times, she wasn't. I think her attitude about moving was a reflection of the relationship at the time. My parents got divorced a few years ago after a 30 year marriage. Their marriage was a nightmare and they only stayed together for the kids. My mother is terminally ill as well and we don't have much a relationship. My disappointment led me to a point where I said, out of frustration, that I didn't want to work on things anymore in a counselling session. This happened about 10 days ago. The counsellor was totally on my wife side, didn't see any errors that she was making, and I felt like it was 2-on-1. In the counselling session, I agreed to move out, which I said out of frustration. Two days later, after I took some time to think it over, I thought to myself "What the heck. My marriage is falling apart. I'm not leaving". By then, she was too far gone and decided to move out and live with her parents. For the last week, there's been a ton of frustration. How could she do this to me? Why was she being disloyal? Why didn’t she love? Why didn’t she appreciate me and all the things I was doing for the family? I blamed everything on her. When she didn't respond to my e-mail about bills, I felt disrespected. In my mind, I rationalized it by thinking about everything I've ever done for her. In reality, she was just hurt, upset, and just emotionally spent. It didn't matter what I did in the past. She was hurt now and that's all that mattered. Over the weekend, I reached out to some friends and family. I apologized to her family for putting them in a tough spot because they weren't equipped to have her move in. I told them that I take responsibility for this happening. I e-mailed her counsellor and apologize for getting angry during the session. The counsellor and family were receptive to my notes. I felt like I could clear my head by just being honest and owning my mistakes. Her text message this morning made me feel like my marriage might be over. Up until this morning, I thought we could work it out. People have told me to just give up and move on, but in my heart, I know I don't want to do that without giving it every effort to work. I've started to think that those people are right. Maybe things are truly over. However, this time in my life may be the greatest opportunity for positive change. My marriage may be over, but I'm going to accept one thing that I do have control over: me. I have to change my thinking from "If only I can get her to change X,Y,Z, things will be okay and our marriage will work out". The problem is---I've been trying everything I can do to win her back. (e.g., maniuplate, coerce her, strong arm her). I have to start working on myself again. I have to accept that my marriage may be over, but I can control me, better myself, and whatever women comes along next, will get the best version of me. Here is my plan: 1. Time and Attention: I'm going to give myself a lot of time and attention to heal, mend, and work on myself. I'm going to focus my energy elsewhere. Not on her. This weekend was pretty dark for me. I felt alone and pretty bummed out, but I have to accept it as time to work on me. 2. Absorbing New Info: Things are not working out for me in general because the information I'm absorbing just isn't working. I started reading new books last night and I spent time listening to new podcasts about communication and self growth this morning. 3. Making New Friends: I think a lot of guys are guilty for losing touch with friends when things go south. During this time, I've realized that I've forsaken my friends. I've been alone and no one is around. It's led to negative thoughts about her and what I've lost. I have to make new friends and plan on joining a softball league. 4. Fitness: I'm in great shape already, but I will keep it up. I feel super confident from all of my time in the gym. 5. Finding New Hobbies: I enjoy doing fantasy sports. I'm going to start playing softball again. I've always wanted to try singing. I want to volunteer more. These are all good things that I need to start doing. 6. Getting Finance Stuff in Order: Never has been an issue. I've always been all over the financial planning aspect. Maybe I'll improve in this area by not checking things are frequently. 7. Challenging Myself: I need to keep pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I got too complacent. I need to challenge myself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc. If I want to fix myself, and maybe fix my marriage, I have to push myself. This is just a list of things I can do to improve. Maybe it's too late to save my marriage. Maybe my wife is too far gone. Who knows. All I know is--I need to stop spending time focusing on her/trying to 'win her back'. I need to engage my mind, engage my body, spirit, etc. Whatever happens, I know I'll be the best catch for the next woman to come into my life.

Got a text from her today. Me: Hi. I know your job has been crazy for months. You are such a great teacher. A lot of people look up to you and love you in that school. Trust your feelings and I hope you have a great day. Her: thekid55..I know that you have out to different people and you're trying to get to me. I understand that now that days have passed, your sad and probably lonely. I'm sorry for this. I tried very hard for a long time to get to you. My true feelings I have shared with you....that I have felt you flip flip on how you feel about me and everything else in your life. I don't trust most of what you say anymore becuase you say one thing and then a few days later change your words completely. I could no longer life like this. My head was spinning. Aside from being in a bad place at work, you have made many comments over the last 2 years about wanting different things out of life. I respect that. You need to work on yourself before anything else. Her Cont: I'm not trying to punish you or make a statement. It went on too long. No matter what I did there was no reaction to my despair. When there was, it wasn't pleasant. I truly feel like you need work on you. I tried very hard to help you with this, but you turned on me. It's gotten a place where I had to let you be alone to figure yourself out.

After she moved out, her commute became insanely long. I didn't call her at all last week because I wanted to give some time and space. I did, however, send her a brief e-mail about bills on Tuesday evening. We have a large credit card bill and tax liability that is due by April 15th, so I sent her the numbers and detail behind it. It sounded like a 'business email'. I've been watching the credit cards and stuff. She has been spending like normal, but never responded to e-mail about the bills. Some of the charges, namely her getting her nails done, aggravated me. It's not out of the norm for her to do this, but I felt like I was being disrespected. Therefore, I decided to cancel the credit card to send a message. Maybe an hour after I cancelled it, I got 7 calls from her a voicemail. I called her back and explained what the deal was. I told that I felt disrespected by her spending and she said that she was upset because I didn't bother to check in with her at all this week since she was displaced and had a bad commute. I told I understood she was frustrated and then we got off the phone. The texting began Me: You had a tough week. I can't imagine what the commute was like for you. The money issue has been weighing on my mind. I've made mistakes, but I've never cheated, lie or mistreated you. I'll go to the mediator if that's what you truly want. Her: You told me to leave my home. You were mean and out of line. I didn't hear from you all week. Not even an "Are you Okay"? Not only was I displaced all, kicked out of my home while dealing with sperating from my husband, I got sick. DIdn't hear from you other than your business emaila bout money. Then you randomly go and close the credit card. You flip flop all the on how you feel. I can't take it anymore. You leave me no choice. You make me the tough decisions. Me: I understand why you feel that way. I take 100% blame for everything that's happened over the last few months. I wasn't the best partner and did a lot of things wrong. I understand why you feel the need to leave for good. Her: Stop saying it's me making the decisions. You told the counsellor you were done. You change your mind on what you want. What am I supposed to think? I feel like you puroposely make problems because you want to be done with me. Me: I've screwed a lot of this up and have to live with it. That's why my week felt like hell. I'm not perfect and make a lot of mistakes. I pushed you away when you wanted to feel loved and appreciated. I did a horrible job of that and have to live with it now. I've scared you off by inaction. Her: Yes, and you told me for almost a year that what I do isn't good enough and that I'm not there for you. Me: You are right. I screwed up and didn't appreciate my wife when she was there for me. Her: I resent certain things. At this point, we can barely be in the same house. Even if you wanted to work on it, I don't see how it'll work. We can't live together, I don't know if you want it to work, I don't know how long it would take. I don't doub that you've had a rough time over the past 2 years and that's why I've been there for you, but you've also said a lot of wanting a life without me. I think about all of these things. Add in your flip flopping and my head spins. Me: I agree with what you said. You didn't deserve this. I'm going back to counselling to work on my communication. Her: I tried hard. So hard. I don't even know what the truth is anymore. All I know is for you to get to where you want to be its going to take a long time. I'm not convinced you want to be in this marriage anymore. Me: I want to show you my change and show you that I can be a better partner. It's going to take time. Her: I understand, but it's more than than that. You've said we are on 2 different paths. I think we need a clean break and if life leads us back then it does. Idk how long it's going to take you and even if in the end, you want to be in this relationship aymore. I think you love me and it makes you sad, but I don't think you want me as your wife anymore. Me: I want you as my wife. I just think I needed to take a breather. It's been 10 years and we've never taken a minute to chill. If you want a clean break, I respect that. Her: We shouldn't need a break Me: I agree we shouldn't need it, but we are human and stuff happens to even the best relationshps. Her: I know, but this has been going on a long time and you've made comments about wanting different things. This Morning: Me: Hi. How are you feeling today? Her: Kinda lost my voice. I'm not sure when I'll be getting more things from the apartment, but we should probably meet this week to discuss a plan before going to the mediator. Me: I was an @$$ and didn't appreciate you. I Said some mean things that you didn't deserve. I regret that. I see all of my mistakes now and want to work on things. If you aren't interested, I understand. Her: I just don't think right now we can. It's too far gone. You need to figure out what you want career wise, life wise, etc. If the roads us back, then it does, but at this point, it's just so far gone. Need help here. What should I do or say? I've cleared turned her off, but I don't want to totally back off, either.

Hey guys. Dropping in for an update. Overall, things are okay. As opposed to earlier in the journal, we are married, so it's not just like a regular breakup. On Wednesday, I wrote her a detailed e-mail about some big upcoming bills, namely my tax liability and our joint credit card. Financially, I had a great 2018, so I owe significant taxes. which are due by April 15. We've known about my tax bill for months and discussed it in great detail, so I wrote her an e-mail, attached my tax returns and told her that I needed half of the money from her account. (We file taxes separately due to student loan repayment). I haven't heard back from her yet, so I'm a little concerned, but I'm trying to play it cool. We've never had money problems and have always been upfront and honest with each other about money, so I'm hoping for the best here. I was completely transparent by including my drafted tax return in my e-mail, so we'll see. I'll give her space and time to look at it. Bringing it up now would just create pressure, so I'm just trying to play it cool. Outside of the e-mail, there hasn't been any other contact, which is good. I haven't felt compelled to contact her. Since she moved in with parents, her commute to work is extra long, so I'm sure that was stressful for her. We both confiding in friends and family during this tough time. My family is obviously overprotective, so I'm trying to balance being smart while also being compassionate. I don't think she'd try to screw me on the tax thing, but I have no idea what people are telling her. Her Mom was badly screwed by her Dad in a divorce, so I'm sure she's being extra cautious. We'll see what happens. At this point, my main focus is keeping my head as clear as possible. It's been a crazy year or so for me. There's job uncertainty, relationship uncertainty, etc. Time to just chill out and get my head right as I look towards the future.

Well, she just moved out a few minutes ago. Needless to say, I'm a mess and she cried hard for about 15 minutes before she left. She's going to stay with her parents for awhile and may look into getting her own place. Last night was really the final straw. Around 11pm, she came in and I was asleep on the couch. I woke up when I heard her bag get put down. She had a different tone---very quiet and cold. I asked her what the deal was---and she asked how my apartment search was going. I told her that I thought more about Thursday's counselling session--and realized it got all screwed up. I didn't want to move out; I wanted to stay and work on things. At this point, I think she was so turned off that she immediately rejected me. That led to some vulernable moments where I pleaded, said I loved her, etc. (All of the BS I did on Page 1, I did last night. Talk about deja vu). This morning, we came home from the gym around the same time--and she said that after last night, she didn't think we could be in the same home. I agreed and told her that I was pretty embarrassed by last night. She packed up nearly all of her stuff, loaded it into her car, cried in our apartment for about 15 minutes, with me sitting there, trying my damnest not to cry, either. She took everything because she 'doesn't like to feel displaced'. Fair enough. She asked to hug as she sobbed the hardest I've ever heard her sob. We briefly hugged and then she left. We didn't really discuss next steps. We both agreed that we needed time and space to clear our heads. She said she didn't like my 'flip flopping' (Sometimes, I want to work on it. Sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I want to move out. Sometimes, I don't.) I didn't tell her this, but I'm fully committed to working on myself to fix some of big issues (e.g., saying mean things out of anger, learning how to speak more clearly and nicely.) If she comes back, great. If not, I'll be ready for the next. I'm going NC. Back to Page 1 fundamentals.

Realitynut, thanks for the lengthy post. I appreciate it. Just to give an update---I've done a lot of self-evaluation over the last few weeks. In short, I've become an extremely anxious person for the first time in my life. Growing up, I never dealt with anxiety of any sort because things came easily to me and luckily, I've never had to deal with any catastrophic events. Over the last 2-3 years, I've dealt with a lot of uncertainty, all at once, for the first time ever. I'll list it out below. 1. My parents getting divorced had a major impact on me. For nearly my entire life, they both pretended as if everything was okay, when in reality, both of them were miserable. Looking back on it, it makes me feel as if I was living in a lie. 2. My mother is terminally ill. I took 100% ownership of helping her move on after the divorce. Once we had her settled in a new home, I thought things would get better. Things didn't get better and she continued lash out and treat me badly. I haven't spoken to her in months and haven't seen her in a year. 3. I've had a lot of job uncertainty since December 2017. My company was acquired and the deal closed last week. For now, I have a job, but I'm limbo because the acquiring company hasn't provided any guidance. If laid off, I shouldn't have a hard time finding work, but still, it's another unsettling feeling. Over the winter, I went to counselling, which I documented here. It made me feel somewhat better, but it didn't help with my anxiety. I'm the time of person who likes to internalize and figure things out, so I've spent a lot of time alone. I shut my wife out because I didn't feel like I could be a good spouse for her and didn't want to show any weakness. Therefore, I've attempted to go through this alone--and it hasn't gotten any better. I've blown off friends, family events, etc. because I feel so anxious all the time. I've changed many things (e.g., exercise routine, diet, sleep pattern) to try to fix it--and nothing works. All of this leads me to Thursday night. I agreed to go to my wife's counsellor, with my wife, for the 2nd time. (The first time was 5-6 months ago--and it ended badly because I didn't think the counselling was hearing what I was saying and it was my wife's counsellor.) I explained all of these feelings to my wife's counsellor and she was somewhat sympathetic, but I don't think she really understood. Ultimately, she didn't think my wife has done anything wrong throughout this whole process and that made me feel super isolated. Ultimately, I told the counsellor, with my wife in the room, that I viewed my wife as a stressor in my life because I haven't gotten any compassion from her throughout this whole time frame. I feel as if she's always probing me for answers when I just don't have them right now. Sometimes, I just want to be told "I love You and it's all good" I told both of them that I think a seperation is the best course of action for now. My wife cried--and cried--and cried...and we've haven't spoken in 2 days. We still live in the same apartment, but I'm looking for a place to go. This whole thing is so sad because we both love each other. In my heart, I don't feel like I can be the partner she needs and I view as a source of stress right now. I need time to get my head right and then go from there.

Hey guys. Just dropping in for another update: thanks to everyone whose responded. It means a lot to me. :-) In terms of the car issue I referenced, her car is old and needs an expensive repair. Rather than fixing it, we agreed to get a new car. We only have 1 car and only need 1 car right now since I take public transportion to work. My initial thought was to buy a nice, dependable used car. After some shopping, the used car prices were not worth it—and it made more financial sense to just get a new car. It’s a little more expensive, but should give extra years of use. I suggested financing the car in her name (given the current issues). She said she couldn’t afford the payments if I decided to leave. (She has a lot of student debt that we’ve paid down, but it is still burdensome). fortunately, we’ve made good financial decisions for years and Bought the car outright in cash. Did I love this decision? No, but we’ve had many long talks about money over the last few days. We agreed that we’d never screw each other over and she agreed to pay me half of the car’s value if we got divorced. It’s a short term cash hit, but I made a ton of money in 2018 and was able to buy it without any issue. We’ve split all of the assets 50/50 for now and she has a great car. We agreed to go to the counseling together, so we’ll see how that goes. She does not want to have sex right now, but we’ve screwed around and had oral sex a few times over the last few days. Also, we aren’t celebrating Valentines Day this year. We are going to the gym instead. For me, I’ve deveoped massive anxiety over the last few years. I think it stems from my toxic relationship with my Mom, who I haven’t talked to in about a month. I’ve tried so many things to cure it (e.g. switching up exercise patterns, changing diet, sleeping more, reducing stress). A lot of these changes have helped, but nothing has cured it. I also have some job uncertainty that’s add to it. I should get some clarity on that front soon. I started taking CBD oil last night and am noticing a good change. I’m not as anxious. Overall, I’m doing my best. I’m trying to grow individually while still being a good husband. I accept that I need to be more open, but at the same time, I just want love and support.

Hey guys. Dropping by for a quick update. In short, everything is going great...with the exception of my marriage. Individually, I feel good. I'm in great shape, I have supportive friends, I have a good job, and I have love and support from my family. My marriage, however, is a different story. A few posts ago, I referenced how my wife and I weren't getting along. This started in June...and has carried over to now. We'll have patches of time where things are going well---then things just turn south. In my view, our issues boil down to three major themes. 1. I've become more guarded as a person now. I deal with my problems by trying to improve myself in anyway possible. We've also done counselling individually. 2. My wife psychoanalyzes me non-stop. She constantly pushes me for answers as to 'what's wrong' and doesn't see any of the changes that I've made. This makes me shut down even more. 3. I've always been a high achiever and I've talked about moving to different states if the right job comes along. I've never said it would be a permanent change since her family lives locally. She's never voice whether she's for or against it. I've become a much more guarded person now, given what's happened with my own family. My wife, however, constantly think something is wrong with me and presses me constantly. Sometimes, I'm just having a bad day, somedays, I'm just tired from work, somedays, I just want to chill. These reasons are never good enough for her and she constantly thinks I'm not happy, I'm depressed, etc. Therefore, she'll pepper me with questions non-stop up until the point where I just totally shutdown. I've told her that she's acting like my counsellor and I just want her companionship. She even thinks I've radicalized by a men's right group online because I've gone to the gym more frequently and been more assertive on a day-to-day basis. The psychoanalysis never stops. All of our assets were in joint accounts and we separated everything earlier this week. We are still staying in the same apartment, but we are rarely home at the same time. I've recommended a temporary separation because at this point, nothing else has worked. She had a minor car issue on Thursday that upset her. I was there for her and was supportive through it, but she reverted back to her psychoanalysis behavior last night. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this