rocket3425

Yup, this was my first LDR. And the longest relationship I've had since college

Super Dave, you really have a grip on this. Sure wish I had known about this post 2 months ago. Could you please read the book of a thread I posted titled Long Distance Cold Feet and tell me if its worth a shot making contact again after the holidays. I gave space during the break but the trouble was we still got together for an event we had planned prior to the break and then the wheels started to fall off and then the ensuing breakup a few weeks later.

Oh and another thing I had always told her how I was interested in pursuing an MBA while still working. I talked to her about this summer and how I looked into wether or not I could start on a program this fall and transfer credits when we were planning on moving. I told her I wasn't going to enroll and that I was going to put off enrolling until we moved. I told her that moving with her was more important than being tied down with working on a masters. When we were going through the break she threw this out as me giving up things to be with her. I told her putting off starting a degree was outweighed by the opportunity to start a life with her.

You know I did question to myself why moving to a different part of the country was more important to her then being by me, especially in the fact she doesn't like her career. I guess I got caught up in her telling me "I'm looking for a life partner, someone to experience life with." I thought that our ability to endure the distance was a sign of the strength of our relationship. The frustrating part for me is that she pulled the plug when the finish line was in sight with only a couple of months to go with my job commitment. The weird thing was we were looking at travel books she brought on that Vacation in August and then all this stuff started a month or so later. Thats why I wondered how sending those job postings got her so pissed off. As for the other guy idea I know this is not the case by talking to a mutual friend. Where it stands now she's still trying to decide what she wants to do. You are right, those are all things I want. And to a certain extent I think my desire for stability sort of bothered her. I was always the calm one, never angry, always level headed. She always seemed to have a mountain of stuff on her mind and she usually kept it all to herself. I guess the only time I lost my head was during all of this because I kept trying to understand her and come up with ways to answer her concerns. My family said the same thing to me when I told them about this about all of this coming to the surface eventually. They seemed to also believe that if I had made the move I would be dealing with all of these issues and it would have been a huge challenge. It's just hard for me to look past my insecurities and realize that this isn't so much about me and it would be the same story for any guy she was with. She's a sweet girl and she's got a big heart and I know this was difficult on her because whe balled her eyes out in person and over the phone everytime we talked about our relationship ending. To her credit she acknowledged how confusing this all must be to me and that she felt like I was putting my life on hold while she figured this all out Considering how long it took her to end this I know it was really hard for her to let go. So how long do you think it is going to take her to figure out what she wants out of life? And what is your advice on keeping her in my life is it really worth a friendship? I cut her off from contact, what is your read on talking to her to see how shes doing? Afterall I always viewed her as my best friend and told her so. And what does it mean for a woman to say she loves me and cares about me but is sorry about breaking my heart? It makes no sense after being intimate with her up until and the one time we saw each other during our break. And what should I say to the next woman who asks me "how do I know your the one?" I know I have a lot of questions, but you guys are truly a blessing.

Hey thanks Scout. Well our situation was somewhat difficult in that she owns a home and has a contract with work that extends until this spring. My situation is I have a career that ties me to the completion of a project that ends at the end of this month. Also I had a medical issue that kept me in my current job for the remainder of this year due to insurance costs. When we first started dating a couple months in she talked about moving to be by me, then about 10 months in she talked about moving to a town near me that I wanted to live in, then about 14 months in she started talking about moving to a different part of the country. The only thing that was obvious was that she didn't like where she lived and she wanted to move. Finally the issue was even more complicated in that she had this desire to move to a warmer climate at the end of her contract. I supported her even though we hadn't exactly decided where to move to and when exactly we would be moving. When she told me that she would end up resenting anyone who kept her back from pursuing this dream she had of living in a warmer climate I told her I would be willing to make a move with her as long as the decision wasn't about me or her but about us. I told her that it wasn't so much about where you live but the people you have in your life. It was always frustrating to me to have this up in the air but I never voiced my concern thinking we would eventually work through this. I always had a little trouble with the move thing because I have a solid job, whereas she wants to start with something completely different because she's burnt out in a career she hates and to make it worse just completed a graduate degree. Giving up my job to move to be by her, just to move again when her contract was up made little sense to me. It may help to know that she's the stubborn independent type, workaholic, hates her day job but insists on another part time job that included working on the weekend and when things started to get shakey for us she let me know how it bothered her that I would take the time to help her out with things. Despite this I sent her those job postings and the moving information in hopes that it would make her look towards the future and get past all the other stuff she was dealing with. To me this was what brought her to me in the first place, being kind and sincere. Once things started to go south I think my kindness and sincerity pushed her away. I think it might have bothered her that I came accross as wanting to support her in whatever she wanted to do because she made a point of telling me she could take care of herself. I also think it bothered her when I told her she wouldn't have to work if we ever decided to have children, something I know she's unsure of. Looking back I can see how this added a lot of pressure to her and made her realize she doesn't really know what she wants out of life and isn't ready for a commitment with anyone. Now I really regret pushing her for an answer about us because I really feel it made her run the other way. But for me I didn't know how to get her past this idea that she doesn't know me well enough after all this time.

Well I need some advice and a little support from you all. I've posted my story on other boards and I thought I'd take a stab at posting it on this in hopes of getting some different perspectives on my story. So here goes its long and detailed so bare with me. I've been in a mature long distance relationship with a 30 year old woman for almost 2 years and it recently ended. We were always open and honest with communication and made the point of trying to see each other for at least a couple weekends every month. We also talked on the phone everyday. About a year into it we agreed we both had fallen in love. She made it clear to me that she was looking for a partner in life and that we shouldn't be in this relationship if we both weren't looking for the same thing. About 6 months ago she asked me if I would be willing to finally live closer to her and make a move with her to a different part of the country. I would and the relationship continued to go well, including a 10 day vacation with her family a couple months ago. Then we didn't see each other for about 3 weeks. During the time we were apart she had a lot of stress in her life with a hate for her job and where she lives, and the loss of loved ones and I was frustrated I couldn't be there in person to help her. But it wasn't until after her best friends wedding that things started to change for us and she started complaining about the distance and the drive. So I tried to come to the rescue and I sent her some flowers, then I sent her some info on moving and job opportunities in hopes that it would cheer her up and make her think of what we had to look forward to in the future. Unfortunately, it backfired and she said she felt like I was trying to make her mind up and that she didn't know what she wanted out of life and that she was scared and then she said she needed a break to think but we were still dating. I told her I respected that and gave her space. I didn't talk to her for 2 weeks or so and didn't see her until she made the trip to see me for an event planned prior to our break. Things went ok through the weekend with some obvious tension and we got through the weekend without talking about her situation until right before she left. I herd a lot of the same things as before but started to hear things like" I got cold feet," "since we've been long distance how do we know we'll survive the day today" and "how do I know your the one, the right guy for me?" I didn't really know how to address any of those concerns beyond telling her how happy I've been since I've met her, I'd never met anyone like her before, I reminded her of how well I've treated her, how much fun we've had together, and reminded her of how well we've gotten along. I then went on to tell her how I was willing to be there for her and support her in whatever she wants out the future. Things were left that day at I love you and I need to be alone but we're still dating. And she expressed concerned over me having to put my life on hold while she figured out what she wanted out of the future. I told her I was ok with waiting as long as she still had feelings for me and she agreed A few more weeks passed and we had contact through some flowers by me on a holiday that pissd her off and a card from her letting me know she was thinking about me and concerned about a personal issue I was going through. We spoke once and I apologized for putting so much pressure on her and that I was going overboard to prove myself to her and that she knew what she had in me. And then the break continued. Then after 2 more weeks of sleeplissness I had to put things off center and I spoke to her about a way I could move closer to her with my firm that would allow us to see each other more often and experience the day to day. She pretty much slammed the door on that one and our break and still dating ended with I just want to be alone to figure out what I want to do with my life for her career and moving, then she told me she felt like our relationship had grown more into a friendship. Looking back I see I groveled a lot and wrongly pushed for answers because I was too wrapped up in my own insecurities. I didn't buy the friendship thing considering everything that had been done and said in the time leading up to all of this. But after that she still felt the need to call me to see how I was doing with all this a couple days later and I basically told her I couldn't talk and that it was too hard for me because I only had 3 days to sort out what breaking up ment and she had almost 2 months. I called her out on the friends thing and she told me a big part of this was she wasn't ready for commitment. I told her she needed to find a way to be happy with herself and that it was ok if she was happier not dating me. I told her what she ment to me and what our time ment to me and I left it at that. We both agreed to see each other again and get together sometime in the next few weeks. Now I'm left here wondering what the hell happened? What did I ever do to scare her? And how the hell could I have responded when she asked how do I know your the one? I feel like I was a victim of poor timing and I got caught up in a midlife crisis of hers not knowing what she wants out to the future interms of where she wants to live or what she wants out of her career or what she wants out of marrage. It’s like a runaway bride without the wedding I was never pushing for. You don’t know how many times she spoke to me about finally putting the distance behind us, how we ended up here baffles me considering everything she’s said to me, my family, her family, and our friends. How the hell do the wheels fall off in a months time? Did I handle this break right, I don’t know? I do know I’m glad I got the last word in even though it was tempting to hang onto being able to continue to talk to her even though our relationship was ended. It's been almost 2 months since we last spoke and I'm still trying to rationalize that she is the one with the issues here and that there’s nothing wrong with me and I didn't do anything to bring this on because she couldn’t give me a reason beyond the distance. I'm trying to cope with the idea of moving on but there's still part of me that thinks there's something there worth fighting for otherwise she wouldn't have had such a hard time ending this. I realize time is the only answer to what the future may bring. I’m debating whether or not it’s worth contacting her since I'm the one who cut off contact. All I do know is I love her through all of this still and that I miss her dearly. I'd love to hear from anyone who's read this far.