insofar

and now for the worst part. We were talking about sex the other day, everything was OK, and she then admitted to me that she maturbates! WHAT?!?, I'm thinking to myself. I just don't get it (pun). She does seem to enjoy it when we do have sex, so why is she so afraid to do it?

Of course she does. She's a sexual being, like everyone else.

I think you need to ask her why she isn't interested in you, and not accept putting off the conversation as an answer. It may be that she's simply lost interest and is staying with you for convenience... which would be horrible, but at least you'd know and could start moving on with your life. It could also be that you've done something in the past, or something ongoing, that she absolutely hates and can't get her mind off, and it's stopping her from feeling any sort of romance for you. If that's the case, you need to find out what that is and try to change it. It could also be that she's cheating on you... but don't assume this. You need to find out the truth from her.

Don't feel guilty about wanting sex. It's a natural part of a relationship. Don't be mad at her for masturbating either. You said it yourself, it's not that she's not interested in sex, it's that she's not interested in sex with you. You need to find out why.

Help me out guys I don't want to break her and my heart at the same time.

If you also want help, you should start a new thread.

i don't know what to do, i need help... will i ever get past it, or is it hopeless at this point? i just can't imagine being with anyone else, except for this fat blemish on our relationship, i have never happier... yet, because of the "fat blemish" i can't imagine spending the rest of my life wondering how he could hop in bed with someone for a week while emotionally attached to me, and then claim he still loves/loved me the entire time. it doesn't help that he changes his story about wanting/not wanting sex with her, other things they did, etc etc. (not sure why it's being discussed, either...)

He could have done it because he was hurt, and being with someone else is comforting when you've gone through a really bad time, such as right after a breakup. There is a reason rebound relationships are so common.

I can't tell you if you'll ever get past it. As you said, it's been ten months and you still haven't really forgiven him, or at least he hasn't yet earned back your trust. But really, IMHO relationships are a gamble in the first place, and he wasn't really with you when all this drama actually occurred. He didn't "just hop into bed with someone while emotionally attached to [you]", he was, I imagine, pretty distraught after you broke up with him and rebounded with someone. Besides the fact that you were up all night with another guy only days before, whether you did anything or not (what was he to believe since you broke up with him shortly thereafter).

I probably seem pretty one-sided here, but this is how I'm reading all of this. I could be way off-base. But I do know if you don't ever truly understand why he did what he did, you'll never really get past this. Have you tried going to couples counseling? It might be beneficial to have a third party to help work through all of this.

Well I'm just scarred if she thinks I'm ok then she'll move on... and never consider that she hurt me. Also, did telling your ex - either get back together or NC, get you guys back together?

No. I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But by the point that I told her that, it really was a case that I personally needed it whether we got back together or not, and I am better off for it. She has stayed true to her side of it and hasn't contacted me for about three months; I don't expect to hear from her again for quite some time if at all. That said, I'm doing a lot better now than when I was talking to her. I've been talking to other girls recently (see my recent post in this forum) and I've realized that we weren't as compatible as I might have liked to believe, and that I'll be able to meet the right woman and have something even better than what we had before.

You don't have to do this now, and it may not even be what's right for you guys. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this near the start of our breakup; it took me about a month to realize it was needed and to gather the courage to do so.

If you haven't already, making it clear what you're actually thinking might be a good idea as well, but do this only once; anything more than that will be interpreted as a guilt trip to get her back, and that will only push her away further. You can certainly tell her when she asks though. To be honest, the whole "I'm doing great!" thing was never for me, it seemed to be a mind-game and I try to avoid those.

You're "supposed" to act aloof, like you're having a great time without her. That said, I think you'll find that's very hard to do, especially so soon afterward. I personally ended up saying that she should stop contacting me entirely unless she wanted to get back together; the pain was just too much to bear whenever she'd contact me about how great her life was without me. That might take a while for you, but it sounds like it might be where you need to be headed.

Remember, you'll be OK. As cliche as the expression is, there are plenty of fish in the sea; while it might seem everyone's paired up, there are a lot of single women out there and one of them is a great fit for you. You probably won't want to date for a while, but remember that your future is brighter than it probably seems to you right now.

Yes, some of it is probably her speaking. But don't listen to the "do not hesitate to call her" and "I hope you can still confide in her" stuff if it'll cause you pain (and I'm betting it will). A lot of people can't seem to grasp how hard it is when you still love someone who no longer loves you.

As hard as it is, you have to accept that a lot of what she's saying here is likely to save your feelings. Whatever happens though, you'll be alright. Keep posting about what you're thinking, we're here to help.

I'm not pessimistic. My last relationship was an LDR (much longer distance than this, actually) and it lasted a year and a half. I'm certainly not averse to the idea, but my last one has certainly made me a lot more cautious. And I'm certainly aware of the bank account-draining effect it can have (as was my credit card). I know that I personally am strong enough for it.

There is also a local woman who seems interested in me. I like them both, but I feel more of a connection with the one from Ohio (of course, I've also talked with her a lot more). Dah well, I guess I'll just see how things go. I just like to talk about my frustration sometimes. Someone invent the teleporter already!

A while back I posted that a couple people on OkCupid had pretty much stopped talking to me after a while and it was frustrating. As it turned out, one of the women was just getting away for a while, and we started talking again. I've since found out that we have a lot of things in common (which I could tell from talking to her originally but even more so now). We're talking just about every day now through MSN and IRC (one of the interests she shares with me) and I'm really starting to like her.

The only problem? She's in Ohio, I'm in Ontario.

Now, this sort of thing was never planned on my end; Lord knows that I wanted to avoid long distance relationships like the plague after my previous one. But such is the issue with the internet (and for the record, she initially messaged me). I don't want to close off my mind from anything, and we're in such an early stage right now that I don't imagine this will come up for a while. That said, I'm a bit nervous. I put so much into my last relationship only to have the distance (among other things) simply be too much for her. I certainly don't think this new person is anything like my ex and I don't want to compare them, but I do know the huge issues faced if we do get into a relationship and want to get together... border crossings, problems with customs, you name it.

Am I just overthinking this? I just find that this sort of thinking is preventing me from opening up to her. If she was in my city, I would have asked her out a while ago.

That is what I was thinking as well. She's been out of the house a lot more than normal (with her friends, living with her parents... as far as you know), and working all day as she said on Saturday seems very odd. And now she suddenly wants you to just take what you have and get out of the house leaving it to her?

The "suck it up" argument is really annoying to me.

"Hi. I don't love you anymore, but I want to be friends, so stop acting like you still love me, kill any feelings you have for me right now, and be my friend so I can have all the benefits of a best friend without having to deal with any of your problems while causing you immense pain by constantly telling you about my awesome life without you."

Does that sound fair to anyone? I don't know about you, but I'm not a robot and I don't have that much control over my feelings. I can't just delete someone from my brain and redefine them like that.

And Brooke, for you to argue that these people's feelings aren't important and they should just smile and shut up shows a complete lack of respect for their problems. Why is it that you apparently think that the dumper's feelings, which are probably much more stable as it is, are somehow more important? Would you rather that dumpees prolong their own suffering and keep talking to their ex while the ex is probably feeling little to no pain and is actively moving on? Maybe you just don't believe they're actually feeling pain?

I think the split here is based on personality types. I'd be interested in knowing the Myers Briggs types of people here who are for / against NC; my guess is that the people who think it's completely stupid either haven't been dumped (like the original poster) or simply cannot relate to the rest of us. (INFP, for anyone interested.)

What annoys me is that some of you assume that because you can't understand it, there must be something wrong with those of us who believe it's useful. Keep an open mind. What's right for you isn't necessarily what's right for someone else.

Fair enough but on the other hand, one does have an instinct for these things, and also every relationship is different - just because I have 10 relationships doesn't necessarily mean I am prepared for the eleventh - just a thought.

Sure, I just took offense at his comparison of a serious, intimate relationship with a "close friendship". NC is usually recommended after a breakup when one party wants to get the other back; if there's still hope on both sides, there's definitely no need for NC. That said, it's probably over-recommended here a bit when it's really not necessary. Don't discount it due to that though; it's a very powerful tool for healing, often necessary.

NC is just like a book I read in high school called "The Mayor of Casterbridge." Essentially the guy gets into trouble but never learns to say sorry, so he runs away from all his problems. He spends his life running from one place to another because he never had the guts to contact the people who he had problems with. If he had worked to heal the relationship, then he wouldn't have been such wanderer.

 

I just don't believe in cut and run. No matter how painful, its better to stay and work things out so atleast you can have peace....

No.

I think you don't understand this because you haven't been in a romantic relationship (they are very different from even "serious" friendships). But sometimes, two people simply aren't compatible, and don't know that until they've been in a relationship for some time. People going NC aren't running from "problems" that caused the breakup... often they've tried to solve those problems many times, to be met with failure each time because they're just too different. And oftentimes, one party will want to break up while the other party is still in love. NC aims to heal the one dumped, because a relationship where one party wants more than another will never work and will always cause the dumpee much more pain than the dumper.

It took me a long time to learn this, but some things just can't be "fixed", as much as you might want them to be. And lord knows, I'm a fixer.

Try not to judge things you haven't experienced yourself.

My (horribly unqualified) guess is that it means the end 95% of the time. As Dako said, the objective isn't necessarily to get the ex back, it's to move on with your own life.

You'll find happiness again whether your ex gets back together with you or not. It might be hard to believe now, but it will get easier.

Erm... You're worried about him "leaving" and he doesn't know that you like him?

If that's the case, tell him you like him. You can't blame someone for not acting on something they don't know exists.

It's an unfortunate fact that people can change and that you can be mistaken about who a person really is... often only realizing that you're mistaken after several months. We're not all bad. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Four months in, and I can definitely tell you, it gets better. A lot better.

Time will speed back up, and you'll stop thinking about them as much. But it does speed up the process to socialize and to build up a life outside of the ex.

You'll be OK.

Asking someone over the internet if they've ever "had their salad tossed" is creepy as hell, for one thing. To try to defend it is something else. Tell him to stop, and if he doesn't... I don't think he's worth staying with.

sisterb: Look into Voice Over IP phone service. Especially in California, you could probably find some with unlimited long distance to Europe, and you might actually end up paying less than your current phone service (you may even be able to keep the number). Do you already have a broadband internet connection? If so, your ISP might offer it. And they should work with your current handsets. Check out link removed for a nationwide VOIP network, they're about midrange in price.

And yeah, you can get a webcam for like $20 - $30 now, and a microphone from $10. Video chat and voice chat are offered through all the major instant messaging services, link removed (my personal recommendation), link removed, link removed, and link removed.

In general, long distance relationships are much more possible nowadays. Whether or not it's for you guys is up to you, but don't get discouraged.

I'd say go for it. Long distance relationships can be fraught with pain in your time apart, but, at least in my experience, being with someone you love outweighs the pain of missing them by quite a bit. The key is to keep up communication as much as possible. Talk about your days, what you're thinking, how you're feeling, basically everything you'd be talking about face to face, but online / over the phone. It takes a little more effort to do when you're not face to face, but it's certainly doable.

As for your doubts, well, those things can happen in any relationship, long distance or otherwise. Sure, he could lie to you at any time and sleep with someone else without you knowing about it. But I don't think you really think he'll do that, right? And again, that's where keeping up communication comes into play. There's a lot of trust necessary in LDRs. As long as you love each other though, there's no reason not to give it a shot.

I don't think downloading porn is cheating. It's deceptive, if he's said he wouldn't do it. However, if he hasn't said that, or you've just said NO PORN EVER to him, you can be mad, but you certainly can't expect to control him.

Sending pictures to / from a female coworker, well, it would depend on the kind of pictures. Obviously if they're nude or provocative, yeah, but otherwise... eh. Borderline.

My guess is that, with respect to the porn, he simply disagrees in his mind with your assessment of it. He doesn't see it as cheating on you, but tells you he won't do it again simply to keep the peace. Do with that what you will.

Insightful. Might be something to point these kinds of people toward to try to give them some understanding.

Yeah, my guess is that she has severe trust issues, and rightfully so (no offense). You suddenly dropped her before, who's to say you wouldn't again? Commitment has to go both ways and she probably couldn't be sure of yours.

Sex isn't like porn, or whatever magazines might have told you. It's certainly a lot of fun though.

So don't think it's weird if it isn't quite what you expect; if it's enjoyable, it's all good.

Well, I'm trying to hang out with friends more often; as I mentioned I've reconnected with some old friends I hadn't seen in a couple of years and we're playing a pen and paper RPG every week or so (pretty new to me, but it seems interesting so far). I've also got a link removed on OkCupid which has garnered me some success (and interest) and one date so far. Working out would probably be a good thing too, though right now I feel like socializing more is probably what I need most. Some days are just down ones though, and when I posted that was certainly one of them.

I remain with my suggestion of "just ask him out". I honestly don't think men and women are so different that it makes a huge difference who asks who in the beginning, assuming attraction on both sides.

Edit: And with regard to the New Years thing, I would think that would make sense; he's a shy guy and he (seems to) like you, so approaching you for something personal like that might be somewhat hard for him.

Dude, you're a guy, that's just how your body works.

Seriously, when I can have more than one in one go, that's pretty damn good. At 45 minutes, it sounds like you're doing pretty well. Don't try to overdo it, as long as you're both satisfied at the end it's all good.