DeviantOne

finding it hard to stay awake and realize where i am. losing my grip on reality and fading back to nothing. i dont no what im saying anymore everything is a blur. all these people around me tell me how to act. im tired of being what others want i just wanna be me. but i dont no how to do that anymore im lost and numb. i dont no how to live my life i dont no how to act i dont realize what im doing i dont no whats real anymore and ive realized IM EVERYTHING I HATE!

thank you so much. ita always good to hear that people like my work. oh and i added you to my hotmail.

everything in my poems is true. i write from the heart. i have attempted suicide before, but i was... rescued (if you wanna put it that way). after that my shrink said i should put all my emotions into something productive like poetry instead of taking it out on myself. i still cut though, im trying to stop but its one of the hardest things to do. its like a drug that im addicted too.

Harsh words and violent blows Hidden secrets nobody knows She is lonely Even though you can't tell She is reaching out For what, she doesn't know She will continue to sit in silence And hope that someone may stumble accross Her and all of her emptiness But they only hope that they do it in time Otherwise she will have drifted too far And she may let go Of whatever grasp of the world she has As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone Nearly unnoticed....

Never will I be the same Not after all this pain I have scars up and down my wrist But the cutting still persist I try to end my pain filled life But it's so hard with the knife I push it down so the blade sinks in Then I slide so it cuts the skin No matter how hard I try I can't seem to f**king die I can't take this anymore The pains so hard to ignore I grab a rope and make it loose So my head can fit through the noose I grab the knot and make it tight Hopefully I can die tonight I kick and gag for some air Then I stop as I'm hanging there I think it worked I see the light I hope this is my final night Then I decided it can't end this way So I cut the rope so I can stay Now when I sit and cry I don't wish that I may die Only that I can ignore the pain Knowing nothing can be the same So instead of leaving without a fight I will live another night I think ill put the knife away Hoping the pain wont forever stay I want to tell you how much I care But your leaving me it's just not fair I love you more and more each day I hate the day you go away I don't know what I will do Or if I can live without you Never will I say goodbye Not until the day I die And in that day I hope your there So I can tell you how much I care My heart will never get a rest Cause ill love you even after death Ill sit in heaven and wait for you That's how I know my love is true I hope someday it will be I wake up and it's you I see To wake up to you by my side Is a feeling I could never describe I doubt my dreams will come true But I will always love you It's the day I die That ill say goodbye When I lose you ill take out the knife And wait for you in my after life

You thought that I was joking Not even I was sure I didn't think id kill my self But to much pain I have endured I can't believe I let it go The trigger I have pulled The pain I felt you'll never know Even I was fooled I didn't know how to do it Take control of my hate I guess I found a way Death was just my fate I use to laugh when I herd the stories Of people committing suicide Now I'm one of them The pain would not subside I thought that I could make it I guess I wasn't right I guess I couldn't take it All the restless nights I would wonder if you'd see That one day I was gone Maybe it's just me But I haven't held you for so long I know I shouldn't think of you At least not like this But I can't seem to help it There's sum thin about you I miss I'm not sure what it was Maybe it's your kiss Maybe it's the feeling I got when I was with you But now I let it go There was nothing left to do I thought about it from dark till light Death was just in my sight It was the way for my escape The only way I could take Maybe it was the easy way out But no one could hear my shout I screamed for help No one came to my side I guess I couldn't take it The pain would not subside I never thought id be the one To ever end my life I thought about doing it Cutting with the knife It's so much easier said then done So I resorted to the gun Pulling the trigger was the easiest thing So much easier then you're game Alive or dead it's all the same But I chose death instead of pain I had nothing left to do No one heard my screams Nothing left that I could say My life was pointless anyway No one will notice if I die No one cares no one cries I just couldn't take it Looking in your eyes I just seemed to realize It's truly you that I despise I gave my heart for you to take Guess I did the wrong thing I found that you were fake I shout for help and no one came To live or die it's all the same I chose death instead of pain!

why not? it shows deep emotions that you obviousley have for this person, making it plain beautiful

She ran up the stairs to her release. She wants all the screaming voices to cease. Standing on the edge, hoping she can fly. She spreads her arms and say's goodbye. She jumped, she flew, and then she fell. She was tired of the world she knew all too well. She watched all her hopes fade to black. She knows all too well she won't be back...

Thats so beautiful.

Wow. thats so powerful and deep. I'd love to see the finished product. I'll have to keep an eye on your poems, I've only read the one and I'm already hooked.

well its official, there is no solution to this problem. I've thought about telling my best friend how i feel and i kno she'll understand but then she's going to feel like she has to come to me first with everything which makes me selfish (which i am for how im feeling!).so once again im being a selfish ****.

Why did u leave me, Why did u die. As I sit here and think of you, It makes me cry. You where a wonderful person, A beautiful soul I know now you're in a better place But I can't let go In the last year of your life I missed you so dam much Even though you where there in front of me You where already gone He stole you from me Which wasn't fair I didn't get enough time To say goodbye When you really did die It was a relief Because now you're not in pain You're in peace All I hear Is the song they played The one I chose "This Old Love" will never die I miss you Forever and a day You will never fade from my memory's And I will always love you… Grandad

im really angry at myself at the moment. i love my best friend, i have complete faith in our friendship, and i cant and would neva question our friendship. i tell my best friend everything but latley ive been holding back because on what i said in my last post "why should i tell her all my secrets and problems when she doesnt tell me hers". its really really bothering me i wanna tell her everything thats been going on latley but i just cant. i shouldnt feel this way. im so selfish. i just wanna go and apologize to my best friend but she doent even know whats going on. im such a selfish **** only thinking of myslef. i go to my best friend for all my advice on my problems or situations or anything like that and she doesnt in return, at all. she always goes to my other friend first. and im jealous. i hate it!!! i shouldnt be jealous, i dont wanna be jealous. im so angry at myself!!!

i love all my friends to bits, i really really do. but i think the problem is the relationship that my best friend has with my other friend. because my otha friend tells my best friend all her secrets and not as many to her best friend and my best friend goes to my otha friend for advice with most her problems and not me. I've talked to my best friend about it and she always reasures that im her best friend and not my otha friend but i still have this gut feeling that something not quite rite. i respect their close relationship and dont get in the way. just lately ive been feeling really left out of the group in the whole 'people sharing problems and secrets' sector and i dont really kno what to do about it. i dont tell my best friend nearley anything anymore because if its something that im really having problems with and she doesnt have an answer i have a big fear she's going to go to my otha friend for advice about it. ive also talked to my best friend about this aswell and she reasures me that that would neva happen but i still get that gut feeling. ive always been a person who goes by my instincts and my instincts are always rite, but the thing is i dont kno weather to trust my friend or go by my gut. my head and heart it saying my friend but my gut is saying go by my instincts. i sort of think i should go by my friend. but i dont think she'll do the same in return, i think she'll still go to my otha friend with all her secrets and problems like she does know. so i guess i feel like "why should i tell her all my secrets and problems when she doesnt tell me hers". i just dont know anymore.

This is going to sound really confusing because i dont wanna use any names. I sit in a group of 4. Theres me, my best friend, and my other 2 friends who are eachothers best friend. One of my other friends is close with my best friend and she's always telling my best friend her secrets/problems, she also always tell's her best friend her secrets/problems aswell. Whenever where all sitting together at school for lunch there always talking about one of my friends secrets/problems and when i ask what's going on or what there talking about they always tell me to nevermind. i have no problem with my other friend being close with my best friend and i have no problem with her telling my best friend all her problems/secrets. i just feel really left out and dont know what to do. i dont know how to tell my friends that im feeling left out and if i tell them they'll problaby feel like their forced to tell me my friends secrets/problems and i dont want them to feel that way because i know its her business and if she doesnt want to tell me then she doesnt have to. please help me, i dont know what to do.