aymee_lee

I think you are doing a good thing by trying to figure this out and not just breaking it off because she no longer wants to have pre marital sex.

If this were me, though, I think I would break it off, or at least seriously consider where the relationship was going. And it has nothing to do with sex.

I am not a religious person. I have friends who are, and I respect and admire thier faith. But personally, I think if my bf felt so strongly about his faith in god as to stop having sex (especially if he had already had sex, and was not always saving himself) then our relationship probably wouldn't work anyway as I am not religious and I don't plan to be. I think his strong faith would just clash too much with my lack of faith. But I'm not sure of your situation, so you may be more comfortable with that than I am.

I agree with HoneyPumpkin. I know it can be hard to think about your bf spending time alone with other women, and I guess it's even harder for you to accept, as you don't have any male friends to balance it out. But I personally have male friends that I catch up with and we are simply friends. If I ever think 'Hey, you're my bf, but you're having lunch with another girl' then I try and take a step back and think 'If I can have male friends and it's ok, I'm sure he can have female friends too'.

It's about trust. You should trust him. If he doesn't want to be with you, or he wants to cheat, he will. Barring him from talking to any other girl besides you won't stop it, it will only make him think you're very controlling.

I'm not saying that I don't get jelous, and it IS a hard emotion to overcome, but a lifetime of no friends of the opposite sex is difficult and probably not that exciting. If you don't trust him, get out. If you do, then try to stop worrying.

Maybe she is just happy to have a bit of fun without worrying about what it's going to possibly turn in to.

If she says she wants to be friends go with that. If she wants anything else, you will figure it out. Maybe she just needs some time to get her head around it. I think it's sensible not to suggest anything more if you haven't met her yet.

Great news! Let us know how it works out.

And I thank you for confirming that I was not making unreasonable demands regarding "more contact". I was second guessing myself on that issue, and that is the reason why it took me so long to bring it up. It was causing me severe depression and I felt that somehow it has to stop, so I decided to take the chance and discuss it with him.

You are NOT expecting too much! The person you are dating should be willing to give you what you want to a certain degree, or at least compromise. This is my theory- you may want something that others think is too demanding, or you may feel things that others think are dramatic. But irregardless, if you want them, you want them, and if you feel them, you feel them. Someone saying to you- 'You shouldn't want that' or 'You shouldn't feel that' isn't going to make you stop. Your feelings are valid, no matter what other's think of them.

And besides, it is NOT unreasonable what you are asking for. And I think most people would agree with you on that one.

Does the fact she hasnt called yet signify a lack of interest?

Well, I admit, it does seem odd. But, something may have come up. If she didn't want to meet you, I'm sure she wouldn't have suggested it, or she would have at least sent you an email saying 'oh, something's come up' (but then, that could also be true). Why don't you call her? At least you'll know either way. Imagine if it was a friend who hadn't called yet. Would you be stewing, or would you just call and see?

More importantly i'm wondering how i should play it when we meet next (i'm fairly sure we will meet again at some point if not tomorrow as planned).

Just play it like a normal date. If you come accross as really annoyed or paranoid that she didn't call, she may think you're a bit intense (although I think it's understandable, we're all vulnerable at this point in a relationship). It is possible that she's just a bit slack when it comes to the phone/organising things. I have friends who are like this. It's just them. Just relax and have fun.

What would be the best way to convey a potential interest in ''that way''?

I think the fact that you are catching up makes it clear you're interested. Or, you could casually mention something about your 'date' and see what her reaction is. If she goes along with it, I assume she thinks you're 'dating' too. If she looks horrified and says, 'I thought we were just seeing each other as friends', there's your answer.

Also....how can i avoid being friend zoned ?

I always think this one's weird. If a girl likes you, she won't 'friend zone' you. If you remain her friend, she never wanted to date you in the first place, she only ever saw you as a friend, and nothing you do will help avoid that.

Give her a call! She seems interested so go for it! And let us know how it goes.

x

If she is normally a sexual person, but is having some problems in this area, I think she needs to speak to a doctor. If not about her 'biological anomoly', at least her new birth control. If this is casuing her to feel this way she probably needs to switch to something that suits her better. I'm sure she doesn't want to feel this way forever.

Sometimes we get into habits, and not having sex can be one of them. Before my ex and I broke up after 4 years, we had just gotten into the habit of rarely having sex, which then led me to believe that I just wasn't that into sex. It was actually more due to the issues in our relationship. When I started dating again, I realised that I did, in fact, have a healthy sexual appitite, I had just let myself get out of the habit of enjoying sex.

If you both normally enjoy sex, she should try her best to do something about it, if not for you, for herself!

This sounds a lot like an expereince I had.

This guy and I dated, but he was hopeless at being around. He didn't call often either. When I look back it all seems very clear, but when you're right in the middle of it, it's easy to get confused, and even easier to keep making excuses (in my case anyway). This guy (and I) had just gout out of long term relationships, so I understoood that he didn't want to rush things. But after a while, it was only me putting in the effort. So I just gave up calling/messaging him.

Not long after, I found out he had a new gf who was a lot younger than him and worshipped the ground he walked on. I spoke to one of his friends about the situation a while after this and he said 'You were just too good for him. Too smart- you wouldn't put up with his games. I wish you gave him the boot ages ago'.

I'm not sure if this relates to you, but in my case, the guy just didn't want to put any work into the relationship. He wanted someone who did all the chasing and who thought he was a God no matter what he did. If this guy can't appreciate you and put some effort in, don't bother. Just wait for him to call you (but I don't mean wait by the phone, I just mean, don't bother calling him). Go out there and see the other guys that are out there, many of whom no how to use a phone! That's what separates us from the apes- opposable thumbs. If a guy doesn't know how to use his, maybe that should be telling you something... he he.

Just a quick one-

Relationships- when are they more than exclusive dating?

I've asked friends this and their answers were varied. One friend even said 'we never discussed it, we just knew'. Which is all well and good, but what about LDR's? When your contact is limited, I think it makes things harder- you don't see each other often enough for things to progress as fast as they would in a 'normal' relationship, but it's a fair effort to go through if there's nothing at the end.

If you're in a LDR (or in any relationship for that matter) how long do you/or did you wait before asking the inevitable 'Where is this going' question?

In one sense, I know what Pink is saying. With my first bf, we got together when I was 17 and were together for 4 years. I often thought 'Why didn't I meet you when I was 25 and had lived my life a little?'

But then I realised, that, for me anyway, if he really was the right one, I would have wanted to live my life with him. We just weren't meant to be, but that doesn't mean I didn't love him.

I'm not saying that this is the case for you. But it was for me. And I know several couples who got together young and are married with kids now. The fact that they never got to go out and 'live a little' never bothered them, because they felt they were already living.

What is it that you are you waiting for?

My bf and I are semi long distance (a couple of hours). So, after a week or so of not seeing him, just his presense is enough

But other than that, there's nothing really that I can specifically think of, it's just if I'm in the mood, or my bf is. Sorry!

Sorry that you are going through this.

Her email was fairly blunt. If you love someone, working 90+ hours or not, you're at least going to email them! She didn't even seem phased that you were ending the relationship (I assume that's what you were getting at with your email).

A weird response if I ever read one. "If this is how you feel...then go with it" Them's not fighting words.

Sorry, but I think it is over. You sound like a great guy. Find someone who appreciates you. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but you deserve better!

x

My first BF got along GREAT with my family (hey, everybody does. I have amazing parents). He even lived with us for about 3 years. I was also very close to his family.

The next guiy I was with also loved my family. He came over quite often (I still live at home). He lived with his friend, so I didn't see his family much. But it really bothered me that they didn't really care about me at all. They never once invited me around for dinner. The only time I had dinner with them was when we accidently turned up at the same restaurant for tea. I went to their house maybe 3 times in the 9 months we were together for a BBQ which was actually a BBQ his brother, who still lived at home, was having with his friends. His parents were alsways pleasant to me, but I think they were just like 'Oh, whatever, it's just his GF'. I always found this weird, and was definitely insulted by it. My BF and I were quite serious with each other, but his parents acted like I was just a friend (which I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have encouraged, as in, he wouldn't have led them to believe that).

I went around there to pick up my BF on Xmas day when we were together. As I knew I would be going there, i thought I would do the right thing and not turn up empty handed. So I made them a beautiful basket/hamper of all foods I had made myself as well as a bottle of wine. (My parents spent almost $100 on his present too). They had NOTHING for me. Not even a box of chocolates. Wehn I gave them their gift, they were just like 'Oh, thanks'. And that was it.

They're certainly not the reason we broke up, but family is everything to me, and if his family treated me like I was so insignificant, it made me wonder why that was, and it bothered me that he never corrected them (or not to the point where they changed their behaviour anyway). My family should be important to my BF and vice versa, just as his family should be important to me. Maybe I was spoilt by my experiences with my first BF but if I had kids, I'd be very keen to get to know their partners, and I expect that my BFs parents will be the same. I don't mind being grilled even, but I should be a part of their lives to a certain extent.

I look at it this way. Eventually, if things work out, my BF (or husbands) parents are the future grandparents of my child. They are importnant. And as the future possible mother of their grandchild, they should feel the same.

Would I break up over it? Maybe/Maybe not. But it's a definite factor.

So, what happened? Did you find out the story?

This story seems familiar. Have you posted this expereince on here before?

I guess if I were you I would try and move on. I know it's much easirer said than done, but if N wanted to be with you, she had her chance. Enjoy what you're doing with your life now. Look for other opportunities to get out and meet people.

I DO think everything hapens for a reason, and one day, you will wake up and say 'THIS is why it didn't work out with N'.

Good luck.

Um...that's the best present ever!

Go you!

I guess that means you sorted your stuff out then?

I think that it is wrong what she is doing. But you acting the way you have (horn tooting, yelling while she's on the phone etc) isn't helping. I can understand why you're doing it, but you can't get angry at her for being immature when you are acting the same way.

I hope you guys figure it out, but if you do, you need to be the bigger person. Don't get into the games. Talk to her rationally about it if you have a problem. You're only going to push her into these other guys if you act like this. I'm not saying she's right, in fact, she should be honest and proud to be with you if she loves you. But you need to stop doing this kind of stuff. It'll only make her think 'if he's going to act this way then I'm not going to bother sticking around'. If you act in a mature way, and she still wants out, at least you know you tried your best and treated her in a respectful way.

Good luck.

I agree with the above posters. I think you just need to wait and see what he says when he calls you. I think you have a valid reason to be upset that he hasn't returned your messages, or at least a valid reason to be worried. I mean, even if you hadn't checked the email, and you had tried to call him 'just because', you would indeed be concerned that he didn't return your call by now.

See what he says when you speak to him. He may mention what is going on, he may not. As hard as it is to take, at a wild guess it seems like maybe he was coming to your town for business or something and just didn't have the time to see you (you did say he wasn't in town for long), so instead of seeing you for 5 minutes or whatever, he thinks it's just easier not to tell you.

That's just my take on it. My bf and I are long distance, and personally I would move heaven and earth to see him, but at times, he has other things to do (as do I). I think IN GENERAL (Don't want to start a debate here) girls are much more willing to do whatever it takes to see someone they love, but men are much more 'practical' about this. Most of my friends have this issue with their bf's, long distance or not. Girls are like 'I've got 30 minutes, I want to see you' and guys are more 'I've only got 30 minutes, I can't see you'. I've had MANY conversations with my friends about this. He may think he's being sensible, but who said love was sensible!

And, I know you need no lectures, but I wouldn't check the email again. I know I've ben tempted a few times to check my bf's text messages, but what always stops me is the idea that I might find something I don't like. Then you're stuck. You know this knowledge, but to confront them, you have to admit what you did. But hey, I'm preaching to the choir here

Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best. Let us know.

xx

Basically, I fell really hard and ended up chasing him instead of it being the other way around. He got tired of me pretty quickly and eventually dropped me with no warning at all. I really think if I been less available, he would have been all over me and things would have worked out. I've done the same thing with other guys too, and I'm tired of getting rejected just for being honest about my feelings and desires

I have been in this situation myself. But I've also found that if it's the right guy, and one that truly wants to be with you, he'll only be happy that you're chasing him too. (Unless of course, you're a total stalker who sends crazy and many text messages/calls... he he). In my situation, and yours probably, things weren't going to work out, because if he wanted things to work out, he wouldn't care that you were chasing him. I've given up stressing over every text message I send. If a guy likes you, they'll appreciate a bit of attention, if they don't like you, one text message isn't going to change much either way.

This is a very tough situation. One thing I always think of in situations where things have been said like this is 'Even if you can forgive, can you ever forget?' Even if he said 'Let's work it out' would you be able to trust him that he wouldn't break your heart again? If he does say this, and you truly want to give it a go, then you need to put your heart on the line or it will never work. If he doesn't, or you're not sure you can do it, you probably need to examine what it is that you really want.

Only you can decide what's best for you. Good luck x

Oh, and the one thing that really annoys me is when kids say "uh huh uh huh I know". Then you ask "okay, explain to me what I just said" and they start making stuff up. Then I have to say "it's okay to say you don't know, I'll explain it again in a different way". I think they're conditioned by their parents and teachers that they always have to know the answers or understand something the first time so it takes quite a bit to get them to trust you that it's okay if you don't know everything and to ask questions.

As a primary school teacher, I don't think I've conditioned my kids to know all the answers, I've found that if they say that, it's more often that they want you to just go away so they can go back to staring into space!

Robowarrior-

You are, of course, completely right. I am not planning on going anywhere, I guess I was just looking for some feedback, and venting a bit! I’m trying to get into the cricket thing, but he’s very shy! He doesn’t even like his parents watching, he feels self conscious. I think he’ll get over it though after we’ve been together longer. I think he’s more concerned that I’ll be bored. Cricket matches go for about 5 hours.

Missklew-

I’m so sorry you don’t get to see your bf more. That really would be terrible. As I said in my original post, I know my situation is nothing compared to some people’s, I guess I’ve just never had quite this much distance between myself and my bf. I’m used to seeing my partner during the week, even just to go to the movies, or have coffee. It’s hard when you can’t do that! But you would know all about that, and it would be a lot harder for you than me. I hope you get to see your bf soon!

Daligal83-

Thank you for your sweet words! And I really like your suggestions too. We do do these things, but I think in general, girls are more ‘about the words’ than boys are, so I’ll just have to remember that! He does make a fair effort though, which is nice. And you totally put the friend thing into perspective, right on.

Batya33-

I totally agree- make some sacrifices! We’re trying! And I also agree with your fantasy relationship thing. That shouldn’t be a problem, we are seeing each other quite regularly.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it. As I said, I’m really just venting, but I appreciate the time it took you to respond.

x

Never done that...that IS below the belt

I guess I'm just venting, I don't really know what I want help with...

I've just started dating this guy, I'm 23, he's 27, we've both been in long term realtionships before (both 4 years), mine ended about 2 years ago, as did his. We have both dated other people since then. Just some background.

Anyway, I met him through my Dad, he did some contract work for him, and still does in fact. My Dad's office is in a major city, about 1 1/2 hours from where we live. Both my parents love him, and they often catch up and have dinner with him in the city, and have done this regularly for the past year or so. We were friends for about 6 months but never dated due to me dating other people, so only just started dating about 2 months ago (although there was initial attaction from the moment I met him).

It's all going really well, but my problems are this-

1. Obviously the distance. It takes about 2 hours from mine to his. I know that's not far compared to some people on this forum but it's not 'round the corner either.

2. He has a full time job, as well as his contracting job. This means he is ALWAYS working. In fact, he just called me before and he was still working. It's 9:30 at night here.

Arghh! How does this work???

I have been reading this topic/forum (LDRs) for a while, and I know that some people think it never works when you start dating while living apart (as in, the only way LDRs work is if you were together but you had to move apart for school or work or whatever). But I've known him for a little while, and without sounding like I'm a nutcase who jumps in to things without thinking of the time factor, I DO think this has a chance of working. We have a lot in common, and we've been friends first, it's just the distance that's the problem.

At the moment, we are taking it weekend by weekend, as in, he comes to me one weekend, and I go to him the other. But currently, he has cricket all day Saturdays so I only see him Saturday night and Sunday. This weekend his friend is coming in from interstate so they're having guys night drinks. I won't see him this weekend.

I guess my question/problem is how do you figure this out? I know he's trying really hard. But I just want to be immature and selfish and say 'don't play with anyone else, only play with me!' which is obviously ridiculous, and I know myself, and I don't want someone who doesn't have a life outside of me (been there done that, it's painful).

It's too early in the relationship to be 'demanding' but I need to see him to establish this relationship. I know he gets frustrated too, so I guess I'm just venting really, but anyone who's been in a similar situation and wants to put their 2 cents in, please do so

Thanks x

Trust the DJ.

He is usually right...about everything