itsallgrand

This is very common when people marry to escape an existing situation, especially if they do so young. You did not have your chance to feel safe enough to be on your own and grow on your own. You grabbed onto what lifeboat you could find at that time. And then slowly start to resent the person, even if you feel badly that you do have those feelings.

What you did wasn't coming from a place of someone who has grown enough to be assertive about her needs and wants in life. It is more desperate flailing, trying to escape an existing situation by grabbing onto someone again. 

Whether you stay or you go, that will follow you around forever if you don't address it. And it has to do with how you aren't able to lean and trust in yourself enough to do what you need to on your own. 

I hope you don't self destruct. 

I can guarantee your husband loves your fire. He just wants it in check. And I relate to that. I've had to work very hard over the years to get my more emotional reactive side under control. I was still figuring it out at your age, you aren't alone with that. I'm still  firey to an extent, but it much more in my control now, so it isn't causing issues. But my spirit has always been a bit scrappy. Some people appreciate it, like my SO. But same as your situation, not when it's destructive. And that's totally fair. 

You are self aware and you will figure out your way ❤️

50 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I agree that this is what she said, but I find the premise sadly one dimensional. It comes off as some blanket apology to all men who feel slighted by beautiful women and must understand that these poor beauties have been victimized all their lives by the douchy men who jump in front of the line to service her. And these women just have no choice in the matter. They've been so conditioned to have already written off all of the average guys in the world as too tongue tied to even converse with her, so she's left to her own fragility to land in the arms of men who act like idiots.

This is simply untrue of the experience of every beautiful woman I know, and if it were not so ridiculous it would be offensive. And worse, the jealousy statements imply that these poor beauties are so conditioned to view the world as limited to only idiot guys, so they can simply never trust that their men won't act like idiots around other woman.

No offense to you--I get that you didn't write this script. But it's just ... lacking.

Yes!

And that this approach from women is linked to hotness or beauty. It has nothing to do with that at all.  It's just a toxic way to approach it all around. 

When I was in my 20s I had a friend who was preoccupied with her looks, other people's looks, her perception of how men reacted to her looks to a great extent. She'd make comments all the time about other women's looks, she'd do it to me sometimes too, "oh you are so lucky bc xyz" " oh all the guys see you first because x". She was pretty, but in her mind she was hotness personified. And she took everything through that perception, to the point of driving some guys away. But if you asked her, they were just intimidated. She'd say things like "all the pretty girls use x moisturizer". And that meant, if you didn't use that moisturizer, you wouldn't be pretty.

This lady is selling the same kind of appeal to insecurities of people to push an idea/viewpoint/concept as fact. But it's not a fact that hot women are all like this. Not being drawn to insecurity doesn't mean you aren't pretty. Choosing to see men as some block of moral free clods doesn't make you pretty. It simply means these particular women are overly focused on what their looks can get them and so they see things through that mode of thinking.

In other words, she's created a problem that doesn't exist to give a solution.  Are you pretty enough to have this problem? Lol. 

I don't find her argument very solid. I think some people due to a combination of personality traits/values/etc. have a tendency to take more stock in looks and filter things more through that lense. I think a lot girls and women, stunners and more regular , have the experiences especially young of coming across boorish men hustling hard at you. It's offered up on a plate early and if you don't have a sense of self or you already lean towards viewing men and women in transactional ways, you are more likely to get sucked into thinking that's the way things work end of and better use your beauty as your main asset. And how beautiful or hot you are is actually irrelevant from my observations on whether you take this turn or choose to see men and women in a more balanced way. 

Years and years ago I saw his "30 days:minimum wage" and I was permanently put off by the man and his "work". It left such a bad taste in my mouth. Him and his partner could not have been more out of touch with the realities people who are not born to money live in. It was like a gross play at being poor for kicks, so detached! 

Bit of tangent there but it's all I can think of when he is mentioned ever since. 

You sound a bit obsessed, to be honest.

She's not interested. You need to stop with this before it results in you finding yourself in trouble. Keep in this delusion and someone is going to snap you out of it for you. And it will suck, it won't be with her holding you tight and telling you you are everything she's ever wanted. 

Oh I'm so sorry. I hope you can enjoy the next few days and the little one is doing better. 

Not going to lie, it's kinda harsh that she was fine with everything being paid for but didn't jump in at any point to help. It'd be one thing if you planned the trip together and she was paying her way to chill with you all. But i can imagine that adding to the pressure for sure. I get irritated if we go on a trip or camp and someone decides to just lump it while others work! It'd be ten fold if I had a sick baby, I mean, that's just common courtesy. And working together is how you form those bonds, even if it isn't your favorite person...she opted out on that and it really sucks.

Now go enjoy. Cuddle that family and pick your flowers 🙂

You aren't a diva you are a mom lol.

We had lots of camping trips and such without mom, so she could drink a beer in the backyard without us for a weekend, I assume 😁

Maybe sis will help or is that a hard no? 

Yay Happy Vic Day! 

Relaxing working on my yard and BBQing 😃

I agree with the others. This doesn't pass the sniff test.

My honest reaction? Hell no. Get the f out of here with bruising and hands around the throat etc. Not cool! People can like whatever they like consensually but this dude is an oaf and he's not paying attention to the other person in the room YOU. 

I don't like to hear that you are worried about him getting bored or fed up. It makes me worried for you that you are putting too much focus on pleasing him. 

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

Yea if he's a looker - possibly a flirt-player type of guy.  Boo that he treated you as a afterthought, but now you know. Did you find any of his co-workers fun or easy to connect with?

I think we are thinking similarly Lootie!

This man is a connector type personality. Might be a good way to have opportunities to meet others you might not otherwise get much of a chance to.

I'm sorry for his rudeness but there might be a bigger opportunity here. 

Catfeeder said what I wanted to say but more eloquently. 

Exactly - people who go around saying things like "go kill yourself" to people don't have the capacity to make good choices on the regular. They are stuck at the level of a lot of children. Even a teen is expected to have grown past that level of emotional flailing for the most part.

Good for you, yoga! I'm happy for you. I don't have practical advice to give because I don't know the particulars of health care in the states. BUT. Its so awesome to see someone like you pursuing your passion and bringing so much to healthcare. There's such a great need for empathetic and skilled people in the healthcare field. 

30 minutes ago, abykann said:

It's honestly not even about the "marriage" part, it's about him showing a commitment to us in the same way that he's expected me to show a commitment to him. I've made it clear that I'm in no rush to get married. But I'm making sacrifices to follow him on this move, he talks about me selling my house and using the money to buy a new one together, he talks about having a baby in the next few years, he's comfortable asking me to leave behind my life and home for him, but he's afraid to buy an engagement ring? 

Yes. This is what he wants. 

It's fine if you don't want that. In fact, I'd highly suggest you NOT do that. 

But the writing is on the wall here. He's being clear. 

It's on you to decide what you want for the future and if this lines up with it.

An engagement, a ring on the finger, isn't going to change that you do not want the same things. 

He might simply feel he is too young to want to make that commitment, or not ready. 

If you want the guy who is eager to marry and have kids and secure a home, he's not it. There's lots of men out there who will marry in no time flat in their mid 20s. There are lots of people too who aren't there at that time or who like to take many years before a marriage.

You are just on different time lines. There doesn't have to be anything wrong. Not everyone is so strongly marriage motivated as you. 

20 C. Around 68 F. 🙂

My grass is already green and floofy which is earlier than a lot of years. BBQ and fiddleheads already! 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and they keep updating the parenting manual! Wait there is no manual. Yet we get blamed. I like leading by example -I tell my son about my work, about work situations and how I handle them, he sees that I ignore him if I'm on deadline and his um request is not an emergency.  He sees that I and my husband mostly like and enjoy what we do and we like making a contribution.  But we don't get all lecture-y or didactic about what he should do with his life, for education or work.  If he shares stuff we give input but again not heavy handed. 

I think that's a great balanced approach.

No matter what you do, he will finds flaws at a certain age lol. Then come back around to seeing how there is no perfect parent, impossible. 

Guidance is so important. My mom was a wonderful nurturing person, but she just didn't know as far as the nuts and bolts of pursuing a career. She was incredibly lenient - self start or die lol. My SO grew up somewhat opposite. All the $$ and guidance, but felt like his parents were less warm and lean on the acceptance side. 

I don't envy parents the job. It's a very wide breadth of skills you need to bring to the table to do it right. And even then, people ultimately do what they want!

She sucks!

I remember when I trained to do fill in for 3 -yes, 3! - different jobs in rotation over a summer because someone went on mat and the place was insane lol, well I got handed a crappy photocopied hand written instruction booklet of what to do and go! Here she has you on hand and she's squandering it. She can say what she wants about how great she is but she obviously needs the job or she wouldn't have taken it. 

She's digging her own grave and I look forward to the update. Entertainment u guess? Practice for loose cannon salon customers! 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I see.  I revise my opinion too in this context.  Maybe they've had other issues around use of social media etc so this was a trigger?

Yeah reading the past thread, he likes following and liking women on Instagram. She doesn't like that. But going by what she's written, she's super active on Instagram too. I don't think it's a jump that if she's posting as she's described and taking money transfers, she probably has guys like her bf following and liking her. 

They are two sides to that coin and feeding into each other negatively. 

I think it's unprofessional to be posting like that while at work. Text a friend or family if you are bored, watch videos, whatever. It comes off like soft soliciting to me. 

I think both you and bf have some inappropriateness when it comes to social media. He very obviously has a jealous streak and reading that past thread, double standards at play. 

But no you shouldn't be posting like that and accepting money. 

If he had come and brought snacks, drinks, whatever to thank you that's fine. 

Just my opinion. 

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But at least with "the oldest profession" you get sex. Its honest and transactional. You give money and she provides sex. This is even the lowest form of that. You dont get anything except some kind of a delusion how she will somehow date you because you donate money to her. Spoiler alert, she doesnt even know who you are. I mean look at this example. "Oh my Queen, I want to donate money to you for the hair you already got". I cant respect that nore consider it a man. He has his "man card" declined. Its not honest and its not even transactional. This is peak simp behavior.

Might not even be a woman lol. 

Essentially, scammers?