stuckinthebluess

U you know something, there are many time I wish my father was like that. Then I would have known better what's right and what's wrong. But he was a weak one, always putting up with what you stated "crap", sometimes I think I should have been punish for that,but it's like he didn't have it in him, hardly any backbone wutsoever and no actually authoritative voice. No, never knew who my mother was, that's so bad. All I was told by two people in my family is she left as soon as I was 1 year old, probably with another man. Thus living dad and me all alone. Now I do reflect back, the many time I answer back, gave him all the crap, yet he still buying me stuff, basically acting like a mom would, way too nice in fact. Yet me running away at 17 and stealing money from him. Now we do get along, yes there isn't a moment I feel terrible about all that. Come to think of it, if I someday become a mother, I won't be so easy, not to soft either. Being a parent doesn't mean tolerating horrible treatment.

We're back to b/f and g/f cuz we're still not ready for marriage. Right I'm kinda confuse as wut really is cheating. I'm not gonna write a long story of our ups and downs. Just saying that two days ago, did kiss another dude, french kiss. As of the reason, I had no idea, I can find no reason, none, I just did it. Thing when I told him (kinda out of guilty, but mostly of confusion) he says clearly that only sex alone is cheating and that I did nothing wrong. To him only actually full blown sex is cheating. I asked what about cyber, phone sex, he says no. But thing is if the tables were turned around, I would have been annoy by it, in fact kinda angry. I would consider this very disrespecful, so why is he not mad? Weird

To start off, I was raise without a mother, she had left my father before I even turn 1 (I'm 23 now), so till this day I dunno who she was, only saw one picture of her. Wut I still really feel bad is all those moments I was mean to my father, starting when I turn 13, I start rebelling and talking back to him, cursing him, talking indiferrently. Now, I understand most fathers wouldn't tolerant that type of behavior, but him, he was a man of few words, and harld ever seem to run out of temper, never lay a hand on me. Then somewhere when I turn 15, I started to have more battles with him, and two months before I was ready to turn 18, I just ran away from home and stole about $200 from him, also use one of his credit card. I must have confuse unexpressive for unloving, true he didn't say much. One time, think I was about 15 or 16, he tried a convo. with me, I just turn away, again cursing. Well to make it short, he has no grudes towards me and after all the horrible things and hard time I put him through. And yes, now I'm getting along with dad better, maybe it was a mother figure I was missing, it's not same living with two parents v.s with just one. Now, I'm engage to be married in june. Coming to realize, it's hard being a parent, wut about when I get pregnant and become a mother, I'll will one day. And I dunno, wut I'll do, if I get a child talking back to me, or putting me to hard times like I did to my father. So any suggestion on this how, I still feel bad, and keep going back in time, only I didn't realize back then.