ihatemylife

yep, suicide seems like a viable option right now. ]

I feel so bad too Cause i know it hurts her when i tell her this.. i basically told her "this cheapens our whole relationship" And i still stand by that. What guarantee do i have that im not going to be number 8? And even worse, i dont want to dump her and just compound on top of her list for the next guy, i mean, how much worse would he feel? I thought about it basically as soon as i woke up this morning, i cant even think straight, i actually thought about going to a confessional today, and im an atheist.

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 1 month now, we’re really close and clicked almost the instant we met each other, the pre-meeting was conducted on the internet and instant messaging services before we met for a good 2 months. Basically, I’m jealous like crazy most of the time, and it isn’t even that she’s dealing with any guy other than me right now, I’m jealous of her ex boyfriends. And what’s worse is, that I cant seem to stop thinking about them, or the fact that they actually climbed on top of her. She told me she had been (sexually) with 7 guys, now, I was a virgin when I met her, and still sort of am, because I decided to wait a bit before we do anything crazy. Other than that though, I cant get the image of some other guy having sex with her, or even taking her virginity. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I get these fits of rage every time I get that image in my head, and it’s really starting to affect my sanity. I feel like another number, even though she keeps reassuring me that she’s a good girl, she’s honest, she loves me, all that nice stuff. But here are some raw facts -Slept with 7 men before me -Currently is married to a guy in Germany because she wasn’t ready to move back when her visa expired -She hasn’t had sexual relations with her husband in a year and a half -She’s my first real girlfriend -She’s 22 -I’m 22 Now she was on vacation in Canada for 2 ½ weeks, and spent pretty much all the time with me, she’s a good girl, very polite and she’s a good person, but she has to now go back to Germany and basically do all her stuff like closing accounts, getting a divorce before she comes back here. One more thing that kind of irritates me is that she says stuff to please me. Like she might say she likes clubs, I tell her I hate that * * * *, then she says “Yep, I hate them too”. Or my favourite one was her current husband, she said to me when I first started talking to her “I still love him, but we have an understanding where we can see other people” Or something along those lines, but then gradually as we started talking I brought that line up again, and she said he was a “Very good friend” if anything now, so I asked her about the love thing, and she told me she was mistaken or whatever. I’m very confused as to what I should do or how I should act or what I should say. I do love her very much, she’s the sweetest girl ever, but I don’t know what I would do if she cheated on me, or if she went for another guy. It’s going to be 4 months till I see her again, and when she comes back after that, she’s staying here for good. Certain things disturb me, such as her marriage, and the fact that she basically says anything to please me, such as the love to good friend progression of her husband, and I really REALLY don’t like the fact that I’m her 8th “penis” sort to speak. So much so, that ive had several occasions at work where i was almost vomiting over the toilet in the bathroom just thinking about it. The most advice anybody has been able to give me up to this point is “deal with it man”, I don’t know if I CAN “deal with it”, every time I think about it, it makes me angry, and very frustrated because I know I cant do anything about it.