blue boy

Thank you DannysGirl - some of what you say is very good advice. Yes, I would love to know how the break-up has affected her - from the fact that she has 'moved on' to a new relationship I'm sure her pain is not as great as mine. I have not contacted her at all or pestered her apart from the time above. As I said I respect her decision. I'm sorry but not contacting me with even a Merry Xmas is really going to make me worse. I honestly lost hope a long time ago. I have done all the writing and hobby bit months ago and am frankly tired of it and have been dragged back down. I really, really don't want to feel like this. It would help me to get a response not to think she 'wanted' me but to realise she still recognised me as a human being. It would just mean so much to me. I don't even want to reply to it. All I know is that at Xmas the silence will kill me and I will start to unleash hatred on her - I should throw the mobile away , you're right. I feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life and I am 44. I have forced myself in the last few months to 'get out there' but to no avail; and yes I know one day it will be ok. I am just fed up of waking up (even with a sleeping tablet) every night at 130 with terrible nightmares. Thanks again though, it's good to know some people actually CARE - and this is what it is all about to me. I don't want love or affection from my ex - just an acknowledgment of me as a human being who displayed goodness towards her. Isn't life that simple ?

Exactly Monettlisa - it has to do with 'her'. But isn't that where we all go wrong in life , being so selfish. She knows exactly what I am going through as a guy left her and vanished after 13 years. I used to sit for hours through her tears at the start of our relationship while she tried to figure out how cruel he had been. She is doing 'exactly' the same to me. I used to carry her out of parties unconscious in my arms she was so bad. I just find it beyond belief she can't even reach out in even the slightest way. She wanted to get married but I told her to stop the drinking first. It takes 2 to ruin a relationship I know and I have respected her decision to leave and never asked her to come back. However, as I say the mental torture is replacing the heartbreak and making me feel so mad. Thanks everybody.

Thank you Annie - I really appreciate your reply. Yes, you are absolutely right - but how do you actually 'heal ' quicker? I did all the writing and crying and heart-wrenching stuff months ago. I just want to get inside her mind and find out why she can't show even a shred of humanity. Just a simple text from her and it would heal me a million times faster believe me. It is only when I feel the anger that the hurt is released but it is so raw inside me I am afraid. Yes I know the 'someday' will come but I need a quick fix. Thank you for your input anyhow.

It's been 5 months now since a 4 year relationship ended. I have not 'moved on' in the slightest despite making massive efforts to get out and meet people. The emotional torture of a broken heart was bad enough. However, despite giving her space over all those months I am becoming increasingly upset and bitter to be honest as I feel she is now inflicting psychological torture on me. This forum has been gret and I admire you all but I am being dragged down deeper and deeper into feelings of bitterness and resentment. I know all about taking the high road etc. but I am at boiling point simply at her lack of humanity towards me. I know she wants me out of her life as she has a new guy, and because I remind her of a relationship characterised by her binge drinking at times. That was the reason why I was reluctant to commit. However I gave her up and set her free. I'll give you an example of why I am so angry. After 10 weeks NC I asked for her father's address as he had shown a lot of hospitality to me throughout the year. I mentioned nothing about the realationship and said I hoped she was happy. I had to ask again as she didn't reply. Then when she did she couldn't even say 'HI, here it is' - Just the address all by it's lonely little self. I was fuming then to be honest and wrote back saying I had no desire to see her or open contact in any big way. I did admit I was trying 'to build bridges' as I said because we live in the same environment it would be better to be friends rrather than enemies. No reply of course which has fulled my fires. Of course in my heart I love her but I have given her up and bent over backwards not to contact her. I will be spending Xmas alone and fear it will send me over the edge and make me send a text to her saying from I shall treat her with the same contempt as she is treating me. I know it's wrong and will open a whole can of worms as things will start getting ugly then but it's almost as if she is goading me into doing it. There are things I know that could really hurt her. I don't hate her but my emotions are at boiling point 50% of the time and then 50% miss her. I have tried everything but failed and yes I know time will heal although it will take a long while. I know these feelings of anger or natural but I am so afraid of really letting rip and letting her friends and family know about all her drinking problems. I know the answer to most of the queries above but I can't implemnt them. What I can't for the life of me understand is why she can't even say the words 'Hello' - and if she can't say 'Merry Xmas' to me next week - well I fear that will be the final straw and I will go ballistic. I know I need help - I suppose you guys and gals are my last hope before I go insane. Have a lovely Xmas everybody !