hindug

I feel for you, Ratcliff--my wife and I have been separated for 2 weeks now. Sounds like your wife still has feelings for you, because she's taking time out of her happiness to meet with you. Thats good, but it also sounds like those unresolved issues are bigger to her than you imagine. One thing you might do is to try and put the puzzle pieces together, to figure out why she left. She probably dropped subtle hints through out your relationship. If there was no fighting, then there was something obviously wrong, as fighting is a normal part of a healthy relationship (of course how you fight matters a lot). If you can't find these things out, getting back together won't be beneficial because those issues will still be there causing unhappiness. It could be that your wife didn't want to seek counseling because she would be afraid that the counselor might tell her she's wrong, or that shes being selfish, or make her feel bad for the decision she's made. I would ask your wife about the ring, after you've given some thought as to why you felt the way you did about her not wearing the ring. Don't attack her while asking her, but also know that if you can't share your feelings with your wife now, what are you going to do when you get back together. I really feel for you and know what you're going through with this, because last night I shared some really depressing feelings with my wife, though I was really reluctant too. I didn't want to ruin the evening. It did dampen the day, but not everyday can be sunshine and smiles. As for the seperation, is it too late to set some ground rules? If you have a chance, try and see if you can set some rules that apply to the both of you. Getting her input is definitely key. The rules my wife and I layed out were that we'd not date anyone else. We'd respect each others privacy and never show up unnannounced, we'd attend counseling during the seperation, and we'd try to meet once a week to spend time together. I do believe it's possible for one person to put forth 90% of the effort and still save a marriage. If you focus on what she's not doing to save the marriage, instead of what she is doing, you'll be miserable. You can't force your wife to put forth effort. You can only put forth the best effort you can, and hope that she'll see the positive changes, and do the same. You can try to sign up for a counseling session with a marriage counselor, who also has training as a personal counselor. Explain that you'll be coming in on your own because your wife doesn't want to go in. Counseling for couples wont work if only one side of the relationship is presented, but the counselor can help you through your issues, which will benefit you. You can also try and ask your wife to attend a session, just so she can explain her side of the story, so the counselor can get a complete picture. Let her know that you're seeking counseling for yourself, but it would be beneficial for you, to have her input. Let her know how much it would mean for you to have her do this one last thing for you. Good luck, god bless, and I do really hope that things work out for you. If you take this as a time to learn about yourself and grow as a person, no matter the outcome of your marriage, you will be a better person.

Just want to give you all an update. My wife and I decided to try a trial seperation. We set some ground rules: 1) In 6 months we'll reevaluate what is up. 2) Max I'm willing to go forward with this is 1 year. After that it's not worth pursuing. 3) She's agreed to remain faithful, and not see anyone else during this time. 4) She's agreed to attend counseling with me everyweek during the seperation. She appears to be more open minded about it. 5) Because this is mostly for her to have time to herself, I'm going to try and not contact her much, just during our days of counseling, and to setup "dates" for us to attempt to rekindle our love. If she wants to make contact, thats fine. If she wants to increase the frequency of our dates, I'm up for it. And if she is ready to move back sooner, and therapy suggest that it might work, I would entertain the idea. I know this is probably not going to work out like I hope, but I feel that she has a much more open mind about us working things out relationshipwise, as well as seeking therapy. I've put in place my support system: close friends, and my family, so during this seperation, I'll be okay. Thanks, -Alan

Thanks for your insights. I will continue hold out hope, but I'm going to start preparing for the worst.

I've been married for a little over 1 year. We've been together for 3+ years. Prior to marriage we were good friends in high school. Things havent been good in our marriage. I noticed something was wrong, but my wife and I didn't really talk about it. In August she finally told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, and wanted to leave. That night I did a lot of reflection, and I've since come to realize why things have gotten this way. I've accepted my responsibility in our problems, and have worked at changing my behaviour and attitudes. I know that a lot of what I've done is not acceptable behaviour, and I'm working on that. She was taken back by my conviction, and decided to give things a try. This seemed to had a small effect, we weren't arguing as much, and were starting to get along better. Last wednesday, she got drunk, and started to cry. She told me that she's in love with another man; a co-worker. She'd met him a few times for coffee and has kissed him, but other thats it. She told me that she's had a little feeling for him since January, right around the time she was losing interest in our relationship. Instead of talking to me about our problems, she kept it bottled up and has basically disconnected her feelings for me. I felt betrayed, but then depressed, because I knew that she turned a blind eye to my changes. Right now she's got one foot out the door, and any day she'll be leaving. She doesn't believe she can fall back in love with me, and doesn't want to make it work. As a last effort, I asked her to attend counseling with me. She reluctantly agreed. She is afraid that the counselor will say that she is wrong, as well as try and talk her out of leaving. How effective is counseling? Especially when one partner is reluctant to attend? I know that if she has an open mind, we can repair the damage and move forward towards a happier, healthier marriage. Right now, she is steadfast in her belief that we can't rekindle our love. Thanks. -Alan