This is a VERY lengthy post even though it's not even been a year since all this started. And for a bit of reference I'm almost 17, as a junior in highschool. I guess let's start from the beginning..
I consider myself bi. I've known I was a bit different from other people since I was about 4 or 5, but I mostly kept it to myself. Nowadays I keep leaning more toward gay, but I still do have an interest in women.
While it might be fun to talk about myself more, this is mostly about my best friend, who I'm sure would rather be kept anonymous, so I'll just refer to him as my best friend. I've known him since 7th grade, or 4 years ago when I was 12. Back in that year we were just acquintances, so we didn't really know each other more than just our names.
In 8th grade we actually had a class together, U.S. History. Ugh, what a horrid class that was, especially with the teacher that we had. If we hadn't been in the same period we'd probably have both failed that class, but we didn't. That's when we became really good friends, but not quite best friends yet.
[A little side note, I was depressed from 6th grade to 9th grade and was suicidal at one point or another, but I've escaped from that on my own and I quite like living these days 7th grade was the worst part of my life so far though.]
In 9th grade we were finally in highschool, but I almost *never* saw him because we had no classes together and we were in a much, much larger school, so the chances of seeing each other in the halls was quite minimal.
Last year, or 10th grade, was an interesting breakthrough in my life. I met this girl named Bonnie, whom is the most open person I think I'd ever meet in my entire life, and she's quite wonderful. Rather emo and gothy but quite 'the awesome' as she would put it. Unfortunately she moved at the end of the year, but I still talk to her over the internet every couple of days
A few months in through the school year, I started to develop a need to come out to friends, and after bonding a great friendship with her I came out to her. She said she kinda knew, and that it was great. Within a week I came out to a few more friends.
While this went on, I finally had a class with my best friend again, and we started actually going to each other's houses for the first time. What was unique about this is that I was the first one of his friends that his parents let over in many years, and thus we started really becoming best friends.
Because of this I felt I needed to tell him because I felt I could trust him, so on the way to my house one day (the walk is about 2 miles, so theres plenty of talk time) I told him I had something important to tell him. He begged and bothered me a bunch until I thought the pressure in my chest was about to choke me, so I said as the following conversation, directly quoted perfectly from my memory:
"I'm not straight"
*He instantly stops walking and gives me the most emotionless look I've seen on a person.
"But I'm not gay"
*He gains an expression of total confusion*
"I'm bi"
Him, very quickly: "Why?"
From that point we battled over being gay/bi was chosen or just is (he's christian by the way), and we kept trying to prove each other wrong, but he finally accepted my opinion, and when we reached my street he said he was okay with it, but that if I ever hit on him he'd kill me.
From then on for the next few weeks there was no kind of any discussion of this, although he did make a few friendly jokes about me being bi, like any good accepting friend would. He seemed to adjust pretty quickly, I might add.
It doesn't end there though, I have a reason for posting, and I havn't quite gotten there yet. In fact this is probably only half of my post so far..
We continued being good friends with no conflicts or anything (one unique thing about that, I've never had any confrontations or verbal fights with him, a rare commodity with some people). Well, come november or so on a day that I went to his house, he did some weird stuff like hump the floor whilst we played games on his gamecube, and if I remember correctly he playfully put his hand on my leg, which was REALLY weird for him to do.
This stuff I wrote in my little journal I had at the time, and I wrote other things too. Sometimes he would read my journal, but once I started writing stuff about him I didn't let him read it anymore.
A few weeks later when I was at his house again, we played a CSI game that he got on his computer. His computer is *very*very* slow, and takes an incredibly long time to load. During some of the loading screens, he did some very very non-straight things: he stared into my eyes and said "i love you" and would laugh as if it was a joke, then he would say "i love you and cannot live without you again laughing, then he said something about if I laid on his bed he'd pleasure me. That just kinda freaked me out, but also made me confused and horny. I really didn't know what to do so I just blushed and looked away, going "uh yeah, whatever", then he said "I need to show you something" then he unzipped his shorts, laughed, and zipped them back up. My god did this definitely go into my journal!
About a month after that he wanted to read my journal but I wouldn't let him, and he wanted to know why. He was also depressed about stuff but wouldn't tell me. So we made a deal, that if I lended him my journal and let him read it AT HOME, then he should tell me what's going on that's making him so bummed out. I should also note that I thought he was really hitting on me, and that I was starting to maybe develop feelings for him.
Well, he read it. And the next time I saw him, he explained to me that he was just joking around and that he's done it to other friends, that he's just weird. Disappointment really. And after reading my journal he was weirded out and said that the thought of doing anything like that again was sickening and that he wouldn't anymore. Even more disappointing, because while coming from my best friend whom I really assume is quite straight, it was rather exciting to get that kind of verbal stuff from him.
I told him that he didn't need to bother and that I didn't really mind, that I was just a bit shocked. So he started acting a bit femmy and weird again, but not nearly as much. (Sometime around when he read my journal he spent the night at my house one night; we stayed up until sunrise playing a particularly addicting hack 'n slash game, Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, and that night he randomly humped my bed for no reason. Weirdo.)
During this length amount of time being around him, I start thinking about things. About him never having a relationship, ever, with a girl, and how he acts femmy a lot, a slightly higher pitched voice, seems rather attached to me, and 80% of his friends are girls. Right now I realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, but it does seem to indicate it at a first glance.
Near the end of the year he's failing english and doubts that he'll pass it. Well, I help him study stuff, help him with his work, and look over his papers so they're not horribly written. He passes the semester with a 70, and thanks me greatly for it. Hey, what are friends for?
In the summertime after we've finished the school year we go to each other's houses a few times, and end up going to six flags at the end of june. That was GREAT. While we were there I could have sworn he was checking out guys, because he stared at a few for a very, very long time.
For some reason I felt compelled to write him a long letter listing reasons why I think he might not be straight. I pointed out quite a lot of things; it added up to be 3 full pages. I did say though that I was writing this letter as a concerning friend and that I'm here for him.
That didn't quite work out though, he didn't talk to me for a few weeks, and when he finally called me, we talked about video games and he made me answer 62 video gaming questions from his magazine. Finally he brought up the letter, saying that it gave him things to think about and that he 'concluded' that he's straight. So that was that..
Now it's 11th grade, and we're juniors. He's driving and I'm not, becase my parents havn't really given any effort to getting me on the road. (Until yesterday, which I'm quite happy about). He's been driving me home every day so I don't have to deal with the idiots on the bus, or rush to the bus after school each day. Yep, we're best friends alright. He was *really* happy at the beginning of school too, neither of us knew why.
Well last weekend, something quite nasty happened. We had been talking about going to college, and how if I got a dorm he'd want to be my roommate (first time I heard him say that I thought he just really wanted to be with me, thus getting the idea that he wanted me or something but I said I might not be able to afford a dorm. Then he asked if I was going to move with my parents, as they're going to move after I graduate, and I said I'd probably move in with my sister. He said he'd want to move in with me there too. That *really* hit me, and bothered me all week, so I asked about it, and he said it was just a joke.
But then things got kinda bad, because he said he probably wouldn't even be able to graduate highschool because of his grades. We were on the phone for about an hour and he was getting really negative toward himself. I tried and tried to encourage him but it didn't seem to work. I also said I'd help him and tutor him if need be. A bit later into the phone conversation he had to leave and go to blockbuster, said he'd call me later.
2 1/2 hours later he hadn't called, so I called him and.. he sounded really upset. He explained that when he went he had an argument with his dad and he left the store, almost drove off and left his dad there. I wanted to know what happened, and I found out that the argument ended with his dad telling him while they were in line, "Get out of here before I PUNCH you in the face" under his breath. Damn. Just.. damn. I feel really bad for him now because of that. He almost ended up crying on the phone but I could tell he was holding it in.
I never did like his dad, ever. The first time I met him I could tell he was a constantly negative person. And both his parents are religious *freaks*, they uphold just about everything that the bible covers. Oy.
So here we are, about a week after that event, and I've tutored him a bit. I guess that pretty much sums up what's been going on. And my problem is that I've really developed feelings for him. He knows I'm bi, he probably gets the idea that I like him a bit, but I havn't directly told him. And I still continue to think that he isn't straight; friends I've talked with about this agree.
I suppose I just want to know what y'alls opinions are about this. Sorry I gave the longest, in-depth post I've seen on here, but.. it might be worth it
I thank you for any well-thought responses.
