Dau

Okay well.. I just had the longest, most importance conversation with him, than I've had with anyone else that I've ever communicated with. Damn. I promised that I wouldn't speak of anything from our conversation, and I keep my promises. But I will say two things: he'll be driving me home tomorrow, and I know that, unless things dramatically change, theres no chance in hell that he's gay. Our conversation went to the deepest level of trust tonight. All things questionable have been answered, and I'm sitting here in mere shock.

I think he was a big support for me for the past year or so. We've been such great friends. But apparently we no longer are. At all. A mass majority of my self confidence was built when being friends with him. He returned my call I sent to him on his cellphone, I explained my feelings at the moment, my ideas, my thoughts, saying that he was very wrong to do what he did, and that I was hurt (to summarize it). All he did was acknowledge it. I asked for his opinions and he refused, stating that he's entitled to his own opinions. And I said if he's not going to talk, then it'd be pointless for me to talk, and that I suppose we're not longer going to talk. All he did was say okay, give a moment of silence, and I exchanged a Bye, then hung up. If this isn't a friendship breakup, I don't know what it is. But I no longer consider him a friend, and because of him, of this, I honestly don't feel like living anymore, because I don't feel that I can ever, ever have a relationship, or even a friend. All people do to me anymore is destroy me piece by piece until nothing is left, and I never do anything wrong. What has this world come to? Why live in such a world? It's pointless.

Today he didn't speak a word or even look at me, and we even have a class together and he practically sits right next to me. When I got a ride home with some friends instead of getting a ride home with him, my friend told me that my best friend told him that he's never driving me home again. So when I got home, I went straight to my room and cried. But then I sucked it up, got online, and talked it out with some friends. My theory that I've come up with is that he probably doesn't want to talk to me because he's giving me space, as he did try and call me back right when I hung up on him the other day. He probably thinks I'm so pissed off at him that I won't want him to take me home anymore. That isn't entirely the case anymore. However, an online friend of mine has the idea that my best friend may be jealous, saying it's just possible that he thought maybe I and my other friend had something going and thats why I wouldn't tell him, which isn't true but it could be a possible thought, especially if he's actually taking interest in me (which I still think is a strong possibility, just withheld in him). I don't know, it could be on either end of the spectrum. Only time, patience, and courage can figure this out.

I guess I havn't thought about it that way.. and betrayed, that's the word I've been looking for. I need to talk to him, and considering we have a class and lunch right after together, that's an opportunity, but yesterday he passed by me in the hall and glanced at me like I was anyone else. I just woke up about 10 minutes ago but I'm already annoyed at him, by the time I get to school I'll be mad again, and I remember yesterday I was mad at him until my second class, then I passed by him on the way to my third and all my life was drained out of me.

You know, I think I actually hate him now, because that's the only word I can think of when I think of him now. I almost feel used because of him. I've gone through a lot of pain and inner-suffering because of him. Is it worth it? Why do I continue to try to be around him, to interact with him, to be with him as a friend, when I get nothing in return? And then he goes and tries to use a bond between us as ammo to get information out of me. How can a person be so cruel? It might not be something ultimately important but on a larger scale it means a lot. It means he decided to be selfish for his own personal gain to get something from me, and if he didn't get what he wanted, I would be the one to suffer. What kind of friend is that? When I confessed my feelings and he basically rejected me, I felt like I could never be in a relationship. After this I feel like I can never have a close friend, because in the end it just hurts. Add those together and I just plain feel worthless. Life. Sucks.

Now he's the problem I'm probably being a bit immature about this, but I *really* don't like it when I get threats/blackmailed over simple things. Really, I don't. Such things only come from the evil in a person, when they're normally withheld. So let me explain what happened.. the other day our phoneline got ate up, the microwave died. Ugh, annoying. Yesterday my sound system died. ARGH! Today, our dogs chewed up their (second) water container AND chewed up the hose. Last time the chewed up their water container, they destroyed it (it was the first one), and my dad just about killed them. With what they did today, I really don't want to be here when he gets home. So I called my best friend (whose name I still withhold, because no matter what I'll respect him, even in times like this) asking if I could come over, after explaining the situation, and because of complications I can't. (Um, wonderful. My dad just walked got home.. lovely timing.) Ahem. So then my best friend says I should probably go to my other friend's house, but I don't want to because I told him about my best friend and I. On a little side note, last time I told this other friend about my best friend and I, and while he was okay with it, I'm weirded out after telling him. Considering he's never had an interest in relationships at all and I've questioned his sexuality many times, although very recently he (Uh, I just heard a loud noise from outside my room.. not a good sign. Did I mention my step-dad has a very very short temper..?) almost got a girlfriend, but she wouldn't go out with him because she just broke up with someone. But I wouldn't tell my best friend that I shared this bit of info. And he wanted to know why I don't want to go there, and he kept asking and asking and asking (this is over the phone again, mind you) and eventually said that if I didn't tell him (in a very serious tone, one that breaks the bluff zone and goes into serious land) then he wouldn't drive me home anymore because he wouldn't be able to trust me, and asked how can we trust each other if we can't tell each other things? Well I'm sorry but theres countless times he refused to tell me things and I didn't try and blackmail HIM. I tried to make him change his mind but he kept with it, and said that he'd stop talking with me. So I just said "That's just rude" and immediately hung up on him. He tried calling a few times, tried to leave messages, but I grabbed the phone and hung it up before he could continue. And that's where the immaturity came in, but I felt like I got stabbed in the back because of him. So I suppose this is the first fight he and I had, and it was because of him. I am displeased..

Ah, I talked with him, and he said he was pissed off about someone in band from 1st period, and he had to deal with it again at the end of the day during the pep rally. Today we went off campus for lunch and acted like we always do, talked on the way to class, etc. Things are going well, but I still can't help but feel we need to talk one to one about last week. *sigh* I don't think he wants to yet though. Oh and yes, I'll keep y'all updated

I don't know if it did or not.. I called him last night to ask about the homework he delivered after school since I was sick, but somehow he knew I wanted to ask him something and he bugged me about it, so I asked, and he was like "oh.." and kinda changed the subject. Today when he drove me home he said "you sound like you're better" as we got in his truck. But he was totally silent the drive to my house, and he looked depressed. I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing, I'm fine." At one point when we got to my street it looked like his eyes had watered up, but I didn't say anything. [My thoughts on this are of two things: One possibility is that he might have started to have feelings for me, or realized that he's had them, and regrets having them or doesn't know what to do. Another possibility is that he might not want to be my friend anymore. And a stray third which is as likely, possibly more, is that something else is upsetting him that has nothing to do with me, but I fear that isn't it.] In any case, I can tell something is very wrong, and I'm really worried about him. I tried calling him but I guess he must be at band practice right now, so I'll call later (if my phoneline is working at the time; animals chewed up the phoneline in the attic earlier today and my dad tried fixing it, half the time it won't work though, so I'm lucky to be online right now).

Here's a poll for y'all.. Which do you prefer? -Boxers -Briefs -Boxerbriefs -Other (specify) Personally I prefer boxerbriefs and boxers equally

Honestly right now I just want to ask him if he wants to talk about it, and if not then I'll just let him talk when he wants. I know eventually he'll want to, it's part of his personality

So what does it stand for then? I figured it stood for Unreal Tournament, *especially* after you said you mostly play UT.

Unreal Tournament 2004 and Morrowind have been my games of choice lately. Although I'm a big fan of Diablo II as well, no game is better than Final Fantasy X I guess I'm an rpg freak, as I have an rpg mod for ut2k4

You know by doing that your parents are judging you, and as far as I know that itself is sinning. Is it not true that all sins are equally bad, and that they're sinning just as bad as you? Shame that people these days choose not to realize this. But anyways, if your family can't accept who you are, are they really your family or are they just a group of people that supposedly cared about you as you grew up? A family should be those who raise you and take care of you no matter what.

Well, I apologized to him. And he didn't understand me. I told him I was sorry for ignoring him, and he thought I was just having a bad day. I then explained it was because of him, and that I wasn't really sure why, that I just didn't want to do anything wrong. Still confused, he confusingly accepted the apology and that was pretty much it. The next day (today), I called him telling him I was sick and might get worse tomorrow so since he drives me home, that I might not be there to be driven home tomorrow. For the next 20 minutes we talked about times we got sick and what happened. Out of nowhere. And we talked pretty normal too, although every now and then he'd ask if that's all I had to say, as if hinting at something. I guess things are becoming normal again, although we both need to finalize what I said the other night so that things will finally work themselves out instead of thoughts building up inside each other until one of us bursts. And by the way, while I'm looking for a relationship that's greater than friendship, I'm not looking for sex, especially because I believe that sex doesn't make a relationship, it only emphasizes it once its strong enough to uphold such an act. So while that would be nice to have, I think a couple should only have sex once they're ready and willing to express their love for each over in such a way, and know what they're doing. Even though I'm a virgin, my heart tells me this, and I believe it to be the ultimate truth. I don't *want* to force anything on him. Sometimes I might have to as a friend, to try and help him. However love cannot be forced, it just comes and goes. I really do love him, and my life would be very empty without him. True, I havn't always known him, and that doesn't mean my life before knowing him was empty, but knowing him know and my love of him makes me believe it would be emptied with his removal. He loves me in a sibling/brotherly way, but not in a one-to-one love. At least, that's what he says. I honestly believe that he's either denying his true feelings for me, or that he doesn't realize it. I'm getting too many signals that would prove this to be true. But when I confront him with it I get mixed signals, and things become awkward. That's when I don't know what to do. While I want him and I to have a close relationship, I can't make him feel the same toward me, and if he never does that would sadden me; however I can do nothing but accept it and move on. As the popular saying goes and as my friend reminded me, "Love is two way street". If it only goes one direction, it isn't complete love, only desired love. I really want to ask him what his feelings and thoughts about this new situation are, but considering we're just now finally talking normal again, it may be too soon. Eventually I may find the right moment to confront him. And wow, I type out long posts don't I?

So jamesy, you think I should have just kept my feelings in and demean myself over time? I know quite well the difference between love and a crush. I had a crush on a friend for 5 years, but only a crush, not full love. I was interested in him all that time, but I no longer am. I never did love him though. Now I almost hate him because of what he's done to me and others in the past. My best friend, however, I do love. Love is where you feel more whole when you are with that special someone. When you want to be them for as long as you live. That you want to understand that person to the full extent and share your emotions. When you're willing to make sacrifices for their care. And most importantly, when you care about them at least as much as you do yourself. However, obsession is different. If you go through your life constantly thinking about the person, you stalk them, and distract things you need to do with your thoughts on that person, such as not doing homework or any classwork because you can't stop thinking about them, that's obsession. But thinking about the person on your free time, when you're not really doing anything, that can be love. Sometimes you must make sacrifices, sometimes you cannot always focus on them, you must take of yourself too. That is what I had to do. I care about him, and I don't want him to fail in life. I don't know how to give motivation, and in a way I thought I could tell him my feelings in exchange for his hard work, to motivate him. To tell him that I'll tell him something important if he tries harder. It might have worked. But he somehow persuaded me to tell him. And I did. Now I regret telling him because I feel it may have hurt him in the end, however only time can tell the final effects. This may work for the better, or for worse, or in the future things may seem unchanged. But for things to change, there must be a testing phase inbetween, and often it's not a good phase. That's where we're at now. As for him 'commiting the same crime' as me, that's a bit different. I chose to tell him my innermost feeling of him, and if his true opinions are homophobic, his instant reaction is going to be out of shock. I can't expect him to be okay with it at first, just about any questionable guy probably wouldn't respond positively to such a thing. By ignoring him, he may think I'm mad at him for not accepting my feelings. I don't think I'm mad. Just disappointed, sad, depressed, and alone. But was it right for me to ignore him like that? Getting on with life and pretending the past didn't exist is something he and I can never do. We always try to fix things and make things better for the future. This, however, is a unique situation, on a far more important scale than anything before. Because our friendship is so close and well structured as it is, it's probably no wonder we've never had any kind of fights or seperations. This is the biggest test our friendship has ever had, and probably ever will. As good as friends that we are, I don't think we should react to each other in equal amounts, as we're on two very different standpoints for the situation. Because of what I've done, I don't think we can just ignore what happened. It's too major to ignore. Our friendship will most likely be changed for the rest of our lives, for better or worse. For a week I had trouble breathing, and I didn't know why. After I told him my feelings, I've been able to breathe easier. Go figure. It wasn't my choice to have those feelings, nor was it my choice to have effects on my body because of the feelings. It was my choice to bring it out, to ease my mind, and to tell him how I really feel. But the price is how he will react and how our friendship will be in the future, something I still don't know the cost of.

If I look at him now he'll probably think I'm looking at him in interest, and that'll bother him. At least that's how I see it at this point. At any rate, I'm going to try and talk with him this weekend and apologize for ignoring him..

I did something very stupid today. Or maybe it wasn't, I don't know. He was more open to talking to me somewhat, but I mostly just ignored him and didn't say anything. Why, I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like I've hurt him and don't want to hurt him anymore, but by ignoring him I might just be doing that. I can't even look him in the face anymore; I'm almost afraid to. I really don't understand why, I just feel uneasy in his presense, even if theres several people inbetween us in the class.. I don't want to act this way but my body freaks out when I see him.

I'm going to give him two weeks for him to think on his own, he'll probably be defensive for now, so I don't want to bother him. And yes, he did somewhat overreact because it was on the spot and such. An important thing that I told him: "No matter what happens, I will always respect you. Always." For now, only time can tell. Knowing him he'll come talk to me when he's ready. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself during all this..

UT, did you only read the first page? Right now I don't think he even likes being in my presense, and the idea of moving in with me somewhere is probably long lost 'n gone. When he drove me home today, he said nothing and looked pissed off. The only thing he ever said was "See ya" when I got out.

I called him. I told him that I was in love with him. And he went into total shock. But he didn't get mad, didn't hang up, and kept going "Wow" many times over. Said he couldn't return the feelings to me, and made sure I knew what I was talking about, and wondered if it was only him I had such feelings for. The somewhat ironic thing is that he kindof already knew it. How? I don't know. But worst of all, he said we should spend less time together so that I'll lose those feelings for him. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Said he'll still drive me home from school everyday, but.. I don't think it'll be the same anymore. At all. This is as of an hour ago. Things might change in the next week, he might get interested in me, he might brush off what he said, or we may lose our friendship. I don't know. All I know is that right now, I'm now depressed because of this.

Good advice, although right now that's hard to tell him because if I just went upright and said that, he'd get suspicious. And if he gets suspicious, he probably won't open up to me, but more importantly he'll be uncomfortable about his feelings because of my constant bugging, which I want to stop doing.. even though I'm dying to know what's going on with him. And a dilemma has sorta popped up as of today. Some girl that knows him found out last week that he's never had a girlfriend before, and was trying to find him a date, but he wasn't really interested. Now today she gives him her phone number so they could hook up. He told me that was kinda weird, and I asked if he was going to go for it; he's unsure. This bothers me a bit, as by now I'm in love with him, and if he went for someone else I'd feel separated from him. It feels wrong to not want him to be with anyone else, but I want to respect his feelings. I just don't know him well enough anymore.. I wish I did. It's so difficult Opening up to him and telling him all this while he's rather depressed about 'being a failure' and other things that I probably don't know about would crack him. But while I can talk about this, I'm not getting anywhere and anyone who walks in a circle over and over again will get tired of it. *sigh*

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Especially tonight, because of something he said as we were leaving school today. More or less this is what happened: We were walking through the hall after making a visit to our english teacher from last year, and as we got near the bathrooms and water fountains he playfully said "I'm thirsty, I drink water!" and went to drink some water from the fountain. I jokingly responded "yeesh do you say everything you think and feel?"; when he finished drinking the water he said "No, I don't." Then he kinda walked toward me a bit but at the same time toward our exit of the school, saying "Theres a lot about me you don't know" quite seriously, as if it were a bad thing, and then kindof changed the subject. That gave me a shock, it made me think of many things. I feel like he's holding something in that he regrets, so I'm going to call him in half an hour to an hour from now (I don't know when he gets back from band practice) and sternly tell him that while I wonder what he meant by that, that he can talk to me about it if he needs to let something out, but that I'm not going to force it out of him. This will basically give him the opportunity to talk to me without me seeming like I'm trying to get the info out, that he can let it out when he needs to. That's what friends are for, right? And for the record, I've figured out that I am indeed in love with him. It pains me when he gets all negative, and that I almost feel like I can't do anything about it. I try though..

How does one know if they're in love or not? Deep attraction doesn't necessarily mean it, but.. well I don't know. I know when I'm around him I feel more complete, but I can stand being without him. I just miss him sometimes; especially this summer when he had band camp and such. Part of me wants to write up or give him articles about why being gay doesn't mean it's bad. If I did that however, he'd probably suspect I'm just trying to crack down on him again. All I can do now is be a friend to him.

I wanted to note a few more things about him and situations, to add why I think he might, even if subconsciously, have feelings for me. Other than going to band performances or practicing in band, he doesn't really hang out with any friends at all except me. I once told him when we were on the way to our way out of the way that I wish I could move out of my mom's house and to my sister's house; he got upset and said he didn't want me to leave him. Also whenever I'm on the phone with him, we usually end up being on the phone for at least 40 minutes, and sometimes we'll be on the phone for over an hour. For a guy that's a lot.. and he really likes talking to me. Then theres when he's around girls. They're all friends, but nothing more. There was even a girl that found out he never had a girlfriend and wanted to get him one, he freaked out and declined. Why? He's very difficult to understand sometimes Then again most people are. I'm a person that tends to multi-process things, to figure out things in different ways, and I've considered the possibility that as his best friend and by far the best friend he's ever had, he just might be clinging to me for support. I really don't know, all I know is that I havn't seen any indication of him being straight in the least, and theres sooo many subtle signs of him being gay. And like Jinx said, I can't rush love. Or force it either. I just wish that if he was, if he could open up to someone, just anyone he could trust. Even if not for my sake, at least his so his feelings won't be trapped anymore, whether he knows it or not.

I'm pretty aware of the limits people have when it comes to helping others, which is why if he wants to hold something in, I'm not going to try and pry it out anymore, but let him know I'm here if he needs me. As for getting into a relationship with him, I'm not even going to try until I know things are stable. I think he's rather paranoid about his sexuality and peoples' views on it right now.. also with the recent info of what's going on at school and home, I'm not taking any risks anymore, he's very mentally and emotionally brittle now. I bet he's trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong, and what he's allowed to think and feel. At least that's probably what I might be doing in his situation.. Oh, and my feelings for him aren't overaddictive, it's not like I totally distract myself and think about him 24/7, but I do tend to think about him a bit every day. Thanks a lot of the advice! It allows me to broaden my views on the situation a bit. Further replies shall indeed be read