Sindy_0311

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I most often knew very early on about mutual attraction. That’s easy What took longer is compatibility for the long term. For that I typically needed more time. Two different things. To me anyway. 

I also know very early on whether I like someone, see potential or not, i do connect very fast with people that have the same language than me. But as you said, compatibility is something that takes more time to figure out. Maybe 3 month also lol 

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's a great answer!

So, having said that, would you agree that getting to that "place" with a man you're dating takes awhile?  A couple of months of spending consistent time together, at least?

If so, and this is an honest question not me trying to obtuse or adversarial, in order to get to this place of wanting "commitment" with a man as you have defined it, do you think you can get to that place with a man if you're dating other men at the same time (i.e. multi-dating)?

Would it not be best to focus on that one man (and him focus on you), date only him for awhile until you determine whether or not he's the man you want to commit to?  And him commit to you?

Or do you think you can juggle different men, date various men and still get to that place of "commitment" (as you defined it) with just one man?

It's not how I roll which is why this type of mindset is difficult for me to understand.

Can you clarify?

 

 

 

Well as I said, during the first dates, I do meet other men. But usually after 2 or 3 weeks, if I’m attracted to him, I have no issue focusing on him only. My inner deadline is 3 month, if after 3 month I don’t see any progression in the relationship I cut it… also cut it earlier if I sense that OP isn’t moving at the same pace, I adress it and if I see that he isn’t willing to progress or meet my needs, I walk away. 

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How do you define it? 

It’s when you see potential for something serious and both are willing to share their world, bring around their people, be “exclusive”, spend more time together, be more intimate emotionally speaking, be more open, feel like partners, someone you can rely on,  be more vulnerable and try to communicate best to fix some issues that might appear…. Etc… not talking about mariage or kids in my case because I don’t want that. I’m in a committed relationship when I can say, this is my man. (Understand boyfriend) 

57 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

just putting the creeps in a position where they will have to think of a different approach with you.

Can you be more specific or rephrase this… (my bad English, sorry) 

I think that in the future I will avoid any exclusivity talk or agree to it, because obviously it’s overrated. I will try to rely on what we share and whether we are on the same page according to future talks etc… In that sense, do you think it is ok to say something like « I’m ok to be exclusive once (and only once) we are in a committed relationship » or would that be a turn of for a man who has serious intentions towards me? 

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

With this man, the subject of his thread,

this guy is not the subject of this thread... I said it before. I'm just trying to understand why I feel uncomfortable with this exclusive thing. 

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

think that a lot of times (not saying this is the case for you....), people keep their options open because they are afraid of missing out on something better. It's also a defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting hurt. 

I do have a FOMO syndrome... And by giving my time to only one guy in the beginning I also think that I take the risk to waist too much energy on him. I do want to protect myself, like almost everyone does. No one jumps with open arms in the first relationship they get, we are all cautious at some point... 

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I mean, what was the point of telling him that you were seeing other men? Was it to be forthcoming or was it to show him that you have other options and he should be afraid of losing you?

He asked whether I was TALKING to other men. I told him I was, I wouldn't be honest by saying no. I didn't mention and I won't mention that I have another date this weekend. Not my style to do that. 

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

it’s not fair to impose exclusivity on someone without a clear commitment.

I agree. I think it would be better to make sure you want to pursue something with the other person and wait for commitment (or labeling the relationship) to be exclusive and ask for it. 

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

, being able to sit at home swiping away is more accessible than bars and clubs ever were in my opinion

I don't think it's more accessible than in bars and clubs. I've been talking with hundreds of guys since two years, only to find out theres something wrong with them after a few days, or that their pictures aren't recent ones, or that they actually aren't looking for anything serious when it was stipulated they were in their profile. You spend three days talking with ten guys only to go on ONE date. 

The problem is some people don't have enough time to go to bars because they have children, work, have a social life, and their own activities. My usual day is like that: I go to work, I go to the gym and then I go back home because I'm tired and I begin to swipe on my sofa. On weekends, I see my friends, hangout with them, clean my house, make the laundry, go to the grocery, and sometimes have a date. but that's it. I'd rather meet a cute guy at my gym (man they are all so shy... ) or in the coffee shop, where people are stressed out about their day, or in the subway where everyone is just swiping on their phone. 

I think people don't know what they want. They want a relationship, but "hey let's not label it because I might change my mind someday,  so let's just call it exclusive until I actually change my mind about you - no harm done"

Do people really need six months to fall in love with someone? If so, can't you at least recognize that you are developing strong feelings after a few weeks? How long does it take to figure out whether you want to try build something with someone? for me, it takes between 2 and 3 month. But I guess everyone is different. 

I don’t think safer sex has anything to do with this ‘let’s be exclusive’ manipulation tactic. Most people had casual experiences, with multiple partners, they know exactly how to protect themselves, what not to do to avoid MSTs or undesired pregnancy. 
Me personally I wouldn’t wait 3 month to get physical with a man, simply because I have needs and because it doesn’t change anything to how I bond. I estimate emotional connection much more… 

I still believe that asking for exclusivity is a way for some people to take you of the market without making their intentions clear though. If really you don’t want the person you are dating to meet other people and you don’t feel like to either (which supposes that you are developing feelings) then why can’t you just commit to her/him fully? 

I think people are becoming so cautious in the dating world, they are no longer capable to fully involve themselves in a serious relationship… it’s all calculated, analyzed, premeditated… and the concept of exclusivity without commitment is a reflection of it… 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

didn't like when we did become exclusive and I introduced him to a friend we ran into as my boyfriend

If a man doesn't properly call you his girlfriend, you better not introduce him as your boyfriend.😁

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

To me it did, if there had been any kind of mutual agreement about it.

 

You mean that being exclusive is the same as being girlfriend/boyfriend? 

This is where there is much of misunderstanding in my opinion.

For some, being exclusive means just focus on the person you are dating to see whether there is potential for something serious or official like girlfriend/boyfriend. (no need to introduce the SO to family or bring her/him around friends or social gathering... )

And for others, being exclusive means being yet boyfriend/girlfriend, and the presenting to the family is just a question of time if not done yet... 

This is why I think it's a dangerous concept because it can lead to misunderstanding... there are  people dating exclusively without real intention of making it official. Just because you are exclusive, its doesn't mean you are someones girlfriend or boyfriend. 

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Honestly when I'm so attracted to a man, attracted meaning beyond the superficial (looks, money, status), I cannot even imagine wanting to spend my time with another random man, kissing him, or even just touching him. 

the same for me... It wasn't difficult being exclusive with the last guy because I didn't want to meet anyone else. BUT, when it doesn't work out I feel like I have lost my time... I have a little FOMO syndrome 😅

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

May last a week, a month, three months (as it did with my recent ex)

Are you talking about the last one? what happened?

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, again this would turn me off, BUT you're not me and if his comments don't turn you off, then meet him and see how you feel then, that's my advice. 

He seems very similar to my ex husband, he is Spanish too, has a soon, has his own business, he is 47 (way older than me) he seems balanced and is very interesting, I do enjoy our conversations and I think he is pretty attractive for being older than me. So yes I will meet him on Friday (not forgetting about this detail) and we will see... 

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

she was ending the conversation? That was not-so-passively aggressive, and that IS controlling behavior.

I wasn’t ending the conversation, I just took sometime to answer to one of his texts. Maybe he got bothered that I m a slow texter 😁

20 minutes ago, Coily said:

Just to ask the question: has this guy said that you cannot date others explicitly? or he just expressed that he is not a fan of it?

For some clarity, here are his texts:

-I wanted to ask you something, these last days have you continued to chat with other men? It's out of curiosity

- Ah OK. Not being someone who runs several hares at once, I had put the rest on hold..but I understand

- I understand but I'm not like that... if I follow you that means you're going to meet all of us and make a choice. It's a kind of speed dating...I think it spoils the magic of the meeting, even if it's only virtual.

At the last one: 

- Okay, I'll leave you for tonight. You probably have lots of messages to answer 😜... I am teasing you

Have a goog night.  Talk to you tomorrow 🌛

(google translate) 

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The guy sounds insecure and hyper possessive and controlling ALREADY. Imagine the slings and arrows you’ll continue to hear from him after meeting.

 I would pass.

I know and I'm aware that this one is showing controlling behavior. I'm not trying to make this thread about him, because its not, its just an exemple. I'm also talking with others. but this guy I know him by far, he lived in my city when I was younger and used to go out at the same places, bars, his groups of friends knew my group of friends at that time. We already saw each other without really engaging. I don't think he is a bad person maybe he was feeling to familiar... so I guess I will go on that "date" because im curious about seeing him again. We have been talking for a week now and he seems really transparent about who he is, where he works, shared his social media, and he is very polite (except for that remark)...Maybe this will just turn into a "friendship" as I suppose it will...  

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

For me personally it's the same but we used the former much more and the latter more in a joking way.

Do you mean that being exclusive is the same as being "official" girlfriend/boyfriend?

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

If you enjoy dating multiple people at once, then go for it.

in fact I usually don't date multiple people. I do it in the beginning when I don't know nothing about a guy or if I'm not sure about my attraction towards him. but once I become attracted to him and see some kind of potential, I drop the "others" because Im not willing to engage with them, but not because I've been asked to be exclusive... 

Also heard that guys consider woman who are mutlidating like *** teaser or playing the fields, its very pejorative. I know a lot of them who don't like it at all and couldn't even consider  dating such women. 

The question was more about this concept of exclusivity once you are starting to see someone more regularly.

I read this somewhere about men: "Unless he makes you his girlfriend, you don't owe him any loyalty... " and I kinda agree with it... Why would he want you as a girlfriend if he already gets all the benefits and knows that you're not going anywhere because you accepted to be exclusive... In my opinion it should be either: 

A: We are dating and also free to engage with other people if we want to. 

B: We are in an official relationship and loyal to each other. 

There is no space for the in-between (understand exclusivity)... 

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Dunno why people do that though, when the whole point of exclusivity is the relationship and not just casual sex.

This is a good point! But can you apply this to OLD, because frankly there are a lot of avoidants on those apps… and you can’t really figure it out after one or two dates… 

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 One group was allowed to chose the painting and keep it without the choice to return it while the other was allowed to return it and take some other photo after 2 weeks.

This is also a famous sales technique. The less choice you give the client the happier they are with their purchase… but you cannot expect someone to choose the only one painting that is hanging on the white wall of the gallery. 

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

I know you didn't, I modified my post.

HE did!  By telling you that you were speed dating to choose the better option.

What am I missing here?  

Sorry I didn’t get it. Yes HE did.

And by the time I was posting here he was waiting for my response and double texted me something like: ‘well I’m going to bed, I presume you have many texts to reply to, just kidding… 😜’ 

This is so annoying. 

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

like saying you want to choose the best option) are better left unsaid, imo..  Even if true. 

Hell I didn’t say that. I told him that if someday we happen to feel something special, or that we have a true connection, exclusivity will come naturally.  I didn’t mention the speed dating or better option thing. 

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

HE asked you whether you were dating others, you replied honesty which meant yes?  

Yes i told him that I was speaking to other men. Because he asked. I then told him that if he wasn’t comfortable with it I understood and asked him if he still wanted us to meet on Friday. He said he wanted to. He told me multiple times how he is a monogamous type etc etc… but I didn’t ask him to be, so I presume I can meet other guys… 😂
 

I also know of some people agreeing to date exclusively, but not making it official though. So what’s the point in making it exclusive? IMO It’s like having the boyfriend/girlfriend benefit without having to « commit » or introducing to family or share worlds… if you feel like you don’t want to share your SO with other people, why can’t you just label the relationship? 

I just wanted to open a new topic about exclusivity because I have heard many contradicting opinions about it lately. 
Do you think its a tool for guys or women to take control without having to commit? How is it that people get inconfortable in early stage when you tell them that you are dating others? 
A man I met online just asked me whether I was meeting/talking to other guys, I replied honestly and he told me by text that I was kinda “speed dating” to choose my better option. We have a first meet planned on Friday and he already brought that up… he pretends he feels uncomfortable about it…

Here in Switzerland people don’t speak much about the exclusivity concept, it’s either official or it’s not… that why I’m thinking that it isn’t worth anything at the end… 

What you guys think? 🙏

4 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Do you think he’s already completely over me? 

Oh please 😂

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Yeah. To me, energy wasted, is time wasted. Had I been more open to it, he probably would have continued texting me without anything actually happening :’)

This is why it’s so important to meet people In real life asap. As @Batya33 said, don’t wait more than 2 weeks. If it’s not possible to make it because one has a trip planned, ask them to reach out to you when they come back but do not keep texting in between. 
if a guy cancels a first meet and doesn’t reschedule it, I immediately step back and wish him well. I don’t let time wasters a chance to make me loose my precious time at this stage. But unfortunately I let them do it once we engage in a relationship 😁

I don’t understand why you say he wasted your time? Because of the texting?