Sindy_0311

8 hours ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

-Once I left, I waited for him to leave to see if he was leaving with someone and he left 3 minutes later, alone

I think you are “stalking” him. Why wait to see whether he leaves alone? 
I would rephrase the title of this topic by: Does my gym crush like me? 
Look I also go to the gym, some guys approach me, try to engage, use the same machines, help carry heavy stuff, look at me, even one of them invited me and texted me on social media... etc… Guys do that, the gym is their knew chasing area. So unless your crush asks you out or tries to open conversation with you, don’t overanalyze the things he does. He might do the exact same things with other girls when you are not around waiting for one of them to talk to him… 

1 minute ago, Dandelionspring said:

The point is I’ve started and I hope to keep it up. Hopefully I’ll never reach out to him again. And I have no doubt he has a bunch of other women. He’s a sleeze bag. 

If you doubt, why not deleting his phone number? 

On 2/29/2024 at 11:37 PM, yogacat said:

I'm just wondering why your 'dating rules' are so rigid. It's like, if X then Y then Z then A then B then C then D... It doesn't really allow for any spontaneity or individuality. Relationships are supposed to be about two people coming together and creating their own unique dynamic, not following a strict set of rules.

Just wanted to reply to this because I’ve been think about it today. I don’t think I’m being rigid. I want to find someone who will match my needs in terms of pace, efforts, communication, transparency, emotional connection etc… I don’t want to lose time on someone who isn’t able/willing to make it work. Because I do invest effort and time to make the other person feel wanted. I’m king, gentle, open, caring and a good listener. So I expect the same in return. I’m not rigid, it’s my standards. I do analyse a lot because I’m pragmatic, it prevents me from dealing with BS and to not get to emotional about men I barely know. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not a long time at all.  Are you planning to contact him again when you feel like meeting up to have sex?

I guess he will contact her because he knows he has complete access to her. 

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I always have my phone away - I think unless you have to have it out it's rude to and I tell the person I'm with if I expect a call or have to leave it on for my son, work, etc.

He had his phone out because of his son who was staying at home with the “babysitter”. I do have my phone away because I don’t want my date to see some notifications of men texting me during that time… so i guess I’m the bad one in the story 😂

36 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Think context could be useful. How did he say it? Was it aimed as an accusation? Was it a causal, off hand remark? Thinking about it from his perspective, if he is used to women being in constant contact, then it would seem weird when someone wasn't. Doesn't mean it's being manipulative, could just be natural confusion over something he isn't used to. And depending on the level of communication being given, I would be wondering if the person was really interested as well. Of course, it could also be him playing games. Hard to really say without knowing him or how the topic came up.

Regardless, focus on the big picture. Did you enjoy yourself? Did you have things in common? Was he a gentleman who treated you overall with respect? Do you want to spend more time with him? Those are the things that matter most.

As for the original topic, I don't think exclusivity is overrated. I think exclusivity is ultimately the goal. If I have feelings for someone, or even a hint that I do, I'm focused on just them. I have no interest in seeing what else is out there. Seeing other people isn't going to somehow increase my odds of finding someone. I'm not one to put myself in something often, but when I do I'm all in. 

There is no much context as it was a first meet. He came with a flower, saying all the good things a woman wants to hear, he has been talking a lot about himself. How he is a good man with principles, etc and bla bla bla. He reached out today and I gently told him that I don’t think we are compatible. 
i had another date tonight with another man… this one was also talking a lot but asking questions and listening to what I had to say. There was no questions about other men or bringing up insecurities. He was just himself and not trying to bombard me with ready made sentences. 
I do observe a lot during first meets, and this guy tonight had his phone on the table, screen up during the whole time in case his son would text him, which he did at some point. He would even show me some photographs on his phone, letting me holding it for a while. Now this might sound futile but I think if a guy has nothing to hide, he won’t bother doing so… again, I don’t care about words, I just observe… the other guy yesterday, I couldn’t even say whether he has a cell phone, didn’t see it during the whole date, almost 4 hours… 
 

I will next him. But I’m always upfront, I don’t like ghosting, so I will just tell him that I think we are not compatible. It was great seeing him though. He is a nice person. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why is this a conversation topic for a first meet for people deciding whether to date? Doesn't he want to know about what you like to do for fun, if you enjoy traveling, your musical tastes, about your work or whatever?

100% agree. I sense that this guy is just wanting some validation or in pursuit of of a romance, no matter who is sitting next to him… 

Still, there is one thing he said that I found interesting to share here. He said that usually the girls he was talking to, after matching on the OLD apps were always bombarding him with texts, all day long, and that the fact that I don’t text much was triggering him (maybe in a good way idk.) At some point he was hoping or expecting more communication and this lack made him think that I wasn’t that interested in meeting him like the others were… so I don’t really know how other women operate, but I might be a bit distant comparing to others… 

The same with the last dude I dropped two weeks ago, he accused me of never reaching out to him or never ask him out… idk if I’m doing it wrong after all… something to consider… 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi Sindy, it must be around 10:30 pm in Switzerland right now?  Just wondering, how did your meet go?  Did you like him in person?

Hey, just came home… it’s around 23:30… it was a weird “date”… I don’t know yet what to think about it… we talked a lot, he talked a lot… said he wanted to see me again. We kissed at the end but really I need a good night sleep and think about it tomorrow with fresh mindset… thank you for asking 😁

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

For me I can't because once I am really attracted to a man, I can even imagine going with with, kissing, touching another man.  Not to mention having to fight off sexual advances

Me neither. My attraction towards a man usually grows after a few dates, let’s say 2 or 3… after the 3rd date I do know whether I want to meet other men or not… the thing is my dating agenda is not easy to combine with my responsibilities as a mom… this might be the reason why I have this FOMO… I don’t have plenty of time on my hands to date men, I’m 40 now, I really wish I find my partner, and i’m afraid to lose my time one guys that have no genuine intentions toward me.

edit: the guys I’m dating all have kids (because its one of my criteria) and also have their schedule… 

At least not after a few dates… 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just one more question Sindy... if you discovered a man you were attracted to and dating had this same mindset as you - FOMO - exploring HIS options until such time he knew you were compatible etc, would you be okay with that?

 

 

 

 

 

Hell no 😂

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Fair enough, but if I may ask, why are you dating a man with whom you feel or suspect might incompatible?  Or you suspect isn't right for you?

Once I determined a man wasn't right for me or we are incompatible, it's a straight NEXT!  And it's then begin exploring my other options.

 

 

I don’t know if we are incompatible yet… he showed something strange. He is somehow very forthcoming. And I know this might be a red flag. But we don’t know each other yet, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because I do enjoy his personality and the way we exchange over text. He is very respectful and interesting. He’s a Leo, and I know for sure that Leo’s are more pushy when they have interest in  someone. You know I also have my flaws, I’m kinda distant with men, I don’t embrace the dating process like some others would… Maybe he was just bothered by the fact that I’m not that into it from the start. Idk… i don’t cut people off just because of one text… but sure, if he shows possessive behavior after we met, I won’t hesitate to cut him off. 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I never worried about FOMO, I don't even know what that means.

To me it’s more like you might miss the right guy while entertaining someone that is not right for you, in terms of compatibility. While you focus on one person, for let’s say 2 or 3 month, you are off the market and not available for the right guy. This how I define it for me… 

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I most often knew very early on about mutual attraction. That’s easy What took longer is compatibility for the long term. For that I typically needed more time. Two different things. To me anyway. 

I also know very early on whether I like someone, see potential or not, i do connect very fast with people that have the same language than me. But as you said, compatibility is something that takes more time to figure out. Maybe 3 month also lol 

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's a great answer!

So, having said that, would you agree that getting to that "place" with a man you're dating takes awhile?  A couple of months of spending consistent time together, at least?

If so, and this is an honest question not me trying to obtuse or adversarial, in order to get to this place of wanting "commitment" with a man as you have defined it, do you think you can get to that place with a man if you're dating other men at the same time (i.e. multi-dating)?

Would it not be best to focus on that one man (and him focus on you), date only him for awhile until you determine whether or not he's the man you want to commit to?  And him commit to you?

Or do you think you can juggle different men, date various men and still get to that place of "commitment" (as you defined it) with just one man?

It's not how I roll which is why this type of mindset is difficult for me to understand.

Can you clarify?

 

 

 

Well as I said, during the first dates, I do meet other men. But usually after 2 or 3 weeks, if I’m attracted to him, I have no issue focusing on him only. My inner deadline is 3 month, if after 3 month I don’t see any progression in the relationship I cut it… also cut it earlier if I sense that OP isn’t moving at the same pace, I adress it and if I see that he isn’t willing to progress or meet my needs, I walk away. 

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How do you define it? 

It’s when you see potential for something serious and both are willing to share their world, bring around their people, be “exclusive”, spend more time together, be more intimate emotionally speaking, be more open, feel like partners, someone you can rely on,  be more vulnerable and try to communicate best to fix some issues that might appear…. Etc… not talking about mariage or kids in my case because I don’t want that. I’m in a committed relationship when I can say, this is my man. (Understand boyfriend) 

57 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

just putting the creeps in a position where they will have to think of a different approach with you.

Can you be more specific or rephrase this… (my bad English, sorry) 

I think that in the future I will avoid any exclusivity talk or agree to it, because obviously it’s overrated. I will try to rely on what we share and whether we are on the same page according to future talks etc… In that sense, do you think it is ok to say something like « I’m ok to be exclusive once (and only once) we are in a committed relationship » or would that be a turn of for a man who has serious intentions towards me? 

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

With this man, the subject of his thread,

this guy is not the subject of this thread... I said it before. I'm just trying to understand why I feel uncomfortable with this exclusive thing. 

9 minutes ago, yogacat said:

think that a lot of times (not saying this is the case for you....), people keep their options open because they are afraid of missing out on something better. It's also a defense mechanism to protect themselves from getting hurt. 

I do have a FOMO syndrome... And by giving my time to only one guy in the beginning I also think that I take the risk to waist too much energy on him. I do want to protect myself, like almost everyone does. No one jumps with open arms in the first relationship they get, we are all cautious at some point... 

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I mean, what was the point of telling him that you were seeing other men? Was it to be forthcoming or was it to show him that you have other options and he should be afraid of losing you?

He asked whether I was TALKING to other men. I told him I was, I wouldn't be honest by saying no. I didn't mention and I won't mention that I have another date this weekend. Not my style to do that. 

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

it’s not fair to impose exclusivity on someone without a clear commitment.

I agree. I think it would be better to make sure you want to pursue something with the other person and wait for commitment (or labeling the relationship) to be exclusive and ask for it. 

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

, being able to sit at home swiping away is more accessible than bars and clubs ever were in my opinion

I don't think it's more accessible than in bars and clubs. I've been talking with hundreds of guys since two years, only to find out theres something wrong with them after a few days, or that their pictures aren't recent ones, or that they actually aren't looking for anything serious when it was stipulated they were in their profile. You spend three days talking with ten guys only to go on ONE date. 

The problem is some people don't have enough time to go to bars because they have children, work, have a social life, and their own activities. My usual day is like that: I go to work, I go to the gym and then I go back home because I'm tired and I begin to swipe on my sofa. On weekends, I see my friends, hangout with them, clean my house, make the laundry, go to the grocery, and sometimes have a date. but that's it. I'd rather meet a cute guy at my gym (man they are all so shy... ) or in the coffee shop, where people are stressed out about their day, or in the subway where everyone is just swiping on their phone. 

I think people don't know what they want. They want a relationship, but "hey let's not label it because I might change my mind someday,  so let's just call it exclusive until I actually change my mind about you - no harm done"

Do people really need six months to fall in love with someone? If so, can't you at least recognize that you are developing strong feelings after a few weeks? How long does it take to figure out whether you want to try build something with someone? for me, it takes between 2 and 3 month. But I guess everyone is different. 

I don’t think safer sex has anything to do with this ‘let’s be exclusive’ manipulation tactic. Most people had casual experiences, with multiple partners, they know exactly how to protect themselves, what not to do to avoid MSTs or undesired pregnancy. 
Me personally I wouldn’t wait 3 month to get physical with a man, simply because I have needs and because it doesn’t change anything to how I bond. I estimate emotional connection much more… 

I still believe that asking for exclusivity is a way for some people to take you of the market without making their intentions clear though. If really you don’t want the person you are dating to meet other people and you don’t feel like to either (which supposes that you are developing feelings) then why can’t you just commit to her/him fully? 

I think people are becoming so cautious in the dating world, they are no longer capable to fully involve themselves in a serious relationship… it’s all calculated, analyzed, premeditated… and the concept of exclusivity without commitment is a reflection of it… 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

didn't like when we did become exclusive and I introduced him to a friend we ran into as my boyfriend

If a man doesn't properly call you his girlfriend, you better not introduce him as your boyfriend.😁

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

To me it did, if there had been any kind of mutual agreement about it.

 

You mean that being exclusive is the same as being girlfriend/boyfriend? 

This is where there is much of misunderstanding in my opinion.

For some, being exclusive means just focus on the person you are dating to see whether there is potential for something serious or official like girlfriend/boyfriend. (no need to introduce the SO to family or bring her/him around friends or social gathering... )

And for others, being exclusive means being yet boyfriend/girlfriend, and the presenting to the family is just a question of time if not done yet... 

This is why I think it's a dangerous concept because it can lead to misunderstanding... there are  people dating exclusively without real intention of making it official. Just because you are exclusive, its doesn't mean you are someones girlfriend or boyfriend. 

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Honestly when I'm so attracted to a man, attracted meaning beyond the superficial (looks, money, status), I cannot even imagine wanting to spend my time with another random man, kissing him, or even just touching him. 

the same for me... It wasn't difficult being exclusive with the last guy because I didn't want to meet anyone else. BUT, when it doesn't work out I feel like I have lost my time... I have a little FOMO syndrome 😅

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

May last a week, a month, three months (as it did with my recent ex)

Are you talking about the last one? what happened?

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anyway, again this would turn me off, BUT you're not me and if his comments don't turn you off, then meet him and see how you feel then, that's my advice. 

He seems very similar to my ex husband, he is Spanish too, has a soon, has his own business, he is 47 (way older than me) he seems balanced and is very interesting, I do enjoy our conversations and I think he is pretty attractive for being older than me. So yes I will meet him on Friday (not forgetting about this detail) and we will see...