Sindy_0311

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

over 2 months

Sorry I made a mistake. We are one moth and a half in. We met on 2nd January and kissed on the 3rd January. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like one of the reasons you wanted to see his place and be there was because you did not trust he was single/dating others (although I don't recall if you said you two were exclusive).  Maybe I'm speculating.

He asked for exclusivity on the 3rd date… I agreed (now I regret it). I told him that for me it was important to see his place, as I wanted to have a whole picture of him, and also said that he knew a lot about me and I was willing to discover his world too… after a few days, I dropped the fact that I don’t even know if he really lives alone… he used to ask me to be transparent, and ask questions about who I’m seeing, whether I’m entertaining other people, we both agreed in the beginning that we had to speak about our doubts. He got cheated in the past and needed that reassurance, and I always tried to reassure him that I was seeing only him. And the moment I asked for some reassurance that he was single or living alone, he couldnt respond with action by inviting me over. So I guess he’s got something to hide… and even if he really lives alone, it doesn’t work for me anyway… 

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am not saying you made a mistake because for all we know, you didnt. Just dont think his reasoning warrants a break up after 9 weeks. Ofcourse he would want to protect his kid first. Has there been other "red flags" aside of that?

Are you sure you arent just scarred because it was going good? Because it seems way too abrupt to fo grom something that went pretty good to just breaking up in a few days.

I don’t think I was just scared. I told him clearly that I needed to go to his place someday, he didn’t make any adjustments to let me go, even for a few hours… and there were others signs… he wouldn’t sleep to my place, even if he was working close to it (he only sleeped once on a Saturday) I noticed his phone was on “not disturbing” mode yesterday when we were together, he didn’t spend valentines evening with me. He came to my place offered me some flowers after his work, stayed one hour and then left pretexting he had to go to his mom giving her flowers and go back home to stay with his daughter. He did message me a lot throughout the evening, but hell, even a married guy can massage. If I told him I needed that to go further, why wouldn’t he try to make some adjustments? Now he is still texting me, saying he’s got nothing to hide, pretending he was falling in love with me, that he doesn’t understand what’s going on. But I told him clearly that if I canot go to his place I cannot pursue… ball was in his court… he didn’t correct it… I move on.. 

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you stuck to your personal standards.  How are you feeling (meaning from your accident).  I'm curious as to why you dated him in the first place - but it sounds like this arguing is a recent situation so maybe in the beginning he thought he could arrange for you to see and spend time at his place. Also sounds like this conversation reminded you of things that didn't seem right.

I’m getting better… going back to work next week. As to why I dated him at the first place, i need to analyze the situation, the “red flags” I didn’t see, I will think about it today. I need to process this, and some things are already coming to my mind. I do thing that the conversations we had this week brought up many things that weren’t right after all. I’ll think about it and post a bit later. Thank you for your support @Batya33

A little update... 

I "broke up" with the "good" guy this morning. 

These last days I addressed the fact that I never went to his place, and that I needed that to move things further. He explained that his 13 years old could come anytime and that he wanted to protect her environnement. He said that his ex wife and her guy were arguing a lot lately and therefore his daughter was coming to his place a lot... I said that that I understand but I cannot give more of myself if my need for seeing his environment isn't fulfilled and this point. He didn't say he was willing to adjust or try to make it for me to be able to come to his place at some point, so I told him I prefer leaving it at that.  (also have to mention that I observed things that were suspicious during the time we were dating... )

So that's it. it lasted 9 weeks, he wasn't my guy. I'm greateful I listened to my intuition once again. 

Wishing you all a beautiful weekend!!! 🙏

6 hours ago, CaptainSingle said:

we dated for about 4 months

Hi, could you please give a bit of context about your 4 month of dating? How was the relationship? How often were you seeing each other? Were you going out? Did you have sex? Did you meet any of his fiends, family? Was he kind or considerate with you? Did he buy you gifts? Did he at some point mentioned his future with you involved? Where you both on the same page? Were you exclusive? Etc etc… 
Im asking because I think it’s important to consider all these factors, to observe before suggesting making things official…

i don't think to stop texting will make a difference. He will certainly reach out when he wants to have sex with you. If you want to know if he views you as something more, suggest going out for a drink or do something else, and you will see by his reaction if he wants something more. But I doubt he wants based on what you described, and in this case I suggest you move on because you already got to involved in this guy. 

50 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

how can someone keep progressing with one person while being occupied with several others? Just asking out of curiosity.

Some people are dating only one person at the time, and some prefer keeping their options open, you can choose what suits best for you. I have always been dating multiple guys until exclusivity was conveyed. The reason for that is: I'm a single mom with part time custody, every two weeks I'm staying with my son. So when I have a "free" week I enjoy going on multiple dates but not necessarily with the same guy. If the guy I prefer is not available when I am, at least I can choose another one. Also It helps me have less expectations on the outcome with the guys I like, In the sens that at least I didn't loose my time... If you feel that you get attached to fast or develop feelings to early fo guys, I suggest you consider multi-dating and wait for physical intimacy until week 6 (or 6 to 8 dates in). Just have fun until one of them separates from the pack... 

2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Can I ask you something? What are the signs that show that it's safe to continue going out on dates with someone I've recently met?

Sorry you got disappointed

in my opinion, two signs that shows a man is in a healthy place, emotionally available and is genuinely interested in you: consistency AND progression. 

Consistency is something you can only experience through time. Anything that's been said or done by a man is of no value if it's not consistent THROUGH TIME. 

And progression has to go up, slowly. If two people really like each other, their connection will automatically deepen through time. And I'm not speaking about weeks here.
Its been surveyed that men usually needs 3 to 6 month to make up their mind about a woman and get the whole picture of who she is. this is how it usually goes: You first know each other, you spend time, go on a few dates together, then you maybe sleep together and bring up exclusivity (or vice versa), then you become more intimate emotionally, you start to meet friends or family, you mix your worlds together until committing to a serious relationship and putting a label on it... And this whole process cannot be done within 4 weeks. 

In addition to therapy, like suggested above, I recommend you watch some coaches and their YouTube channel, read some articles about dating or listen to some podcasts. I think you have to gain competence. (because dating nowadays requires some serious learning skills.) 

Also suggest you read some of the past threads of this forum... you will learn a lot from them. 

Good luck to you!

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And I have to accept that some men might find it a turn off, but then again that would show me they're not right for me. 

This is exactly how I'm thinking. that's why I won't jump to conclusions now or bring it up.... only time will tell. Yes he has been very protective, cooking, asking if I wanted some grocery, wash my hair or anything. I appreciate him a lot for his kindness and I will tell him in his goodnight text later. 

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

By this point he has assured you multiple times he finds you beautiful.

Please don't fall into the trap of asking him for reassurance over and over and over. Or making self deprecating comments. At some point he might ask himself "Why doesn't she trust me?" And that could be an attraction killer. Not your physical appearance.

Yes thank you, I didn't say anything about my appearance outside of the joke when he arrived. I tried to act normal. But still, I feel insecure now. 

I won't bring it up. 

My guy came today. he cooked me a meal, helped me fix my phone and we spent the afternoon together (mostly in bed sleeping or cuddling and more...) 

I tried to relax but still felt a bit uncomfortable about my face,. Oily cream and plasters, no makeup, my hair was a mess because I washed it in the morning but didn't style it because I can't use the dryer, its too hot.

But he was very kind. When he arrived I told him joking  "welcome to Frankenstein's" to what he replied, I told you yesterday that I don't care about how you look.
Usually when we see each other he always compliments me on my looks, saying that I look beautiful, but today nothing... oops.
He maid one compliment though. He brought up the lower part again, and again asked why I was hiding it, or if I was ashamed of hit. I told him that I don't think it is something esthetically beautiful in general. He told me again he likes it and to him it was perfect and beautiful.
At one moment I had to stand up to get something in the kitchen, I forget to put on my trousers and frankly my leg was no big deal anymore. 

Now I just hope my physical appearance didn't turn him off.  We will see... (but to be honest I feel very insecure right now... )

19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

was it defective?  I've always been afraid of them, and I see now my fears are justified.

Yes it was. its the first time I used it, I received it from an old lady someday, so I guess it already had made his time. OMG I will definitely never use a pressure cooker again. My kitchen was so horrible, with sauce up to the ceiling. My dad has been cleaning it all while I was at the hospital. My parents are so precious. 

I hope I won't have scars, but even if a do, not a big deal. 

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Please take good care and allow your boyfriend to be there for you.

It's hard letting someone "in" sometimes and requires some vulnerability but from the little you've shared, he sounds quite special.

Yes I think I have to let him do, and just try to relax and be more open to welcome his help. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Aquaphor

yes, we also have it here.. I will try it thank you. Its weird but the second degree burns look awfull with listers but they hurt less that the one first degree on my arm. 

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am so so sorry about your accident. How are you feeling now?? I'm glad he was so supportive, thoughtful, and caring.

thank you for asking. I'm felling better, I'm taking painkiller, and have to apply cream every 2 or 3 hours. I have another appointment in a specialized hospital on Tuesday. I was lucky I didn't burn my eyes.. but I guess I will have some scars on my nose, my right cheek and my shoulder who have been burned more severely. I was shocked and afraid when it happened. But I feel more relaxed now. 

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

OK, this is a gross generalization, but I read somewhere that men aren't hyper focused on the details of a woman's body, particularly when he cares for her or is attracted to her. 

I did that experience today. I had a little accident. I was cooking and my pressure cooker exploded. I had hot sauce all over my face, my arm and my shoulder. I had to go to the hospital, I hard first and second degree burns.

I called my guy right after it happened, but my phone went out of battery and couldn't call him back during the whole time I stayed at the emergencies. before leaving to the hospital I told him not to worry that my mother would take me to the emergency and that I would call him when I can. 

when I arrived home, he called me saying he was about to go to the hospital, he was worried, and I told him I just arrived home, there he was at my door outside. I had sauce all over my hair, I was smelling bad, had cream all over my face and my arm and some bandages, I was looking terrible. He asked whether he could do something, I told him that my mom would stay with me, so he said that he would come back tomorrow and help me wash my hair, my kitchen, my laundry or whatever needs to be done.. I replied, "well this it not exactly the date that we were hoping for". And he said, I don't care if you look ugly or smell bad or have no makeup on, I just want to be with you tomorrow. I guess my legs are no longer an issue at that point...

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Tell the truth.  You will determine if he's for you long term dependent on his reactions. 

The truth about what? 

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He sounds awesome!  Definitely a keeper and I truly hope it works out the way you hope!  💛

Idk yet. But I can sense that he might be developing feelings. He says I’m making him happy. He texts in the morning when he wakes up, during the day and when he goes to bed. He sometimes calls me “my love” ans often calls me to hear my voice. He regularly comes to see me at the gallery when we have our children’s custody just to share a few minutes together. We also have so beautiful dates together.. but I’m still trying to be realistic, we don’t know each other for long… we will see how this develops through time. 

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I agree. I have my c section scar and I do not care at all.  I hate surgical procedures and having oral surgery, colonoscopy, getting my mammogram (which I just had 2 days ago -ouch!!!) - is more than enough procedures for me.

Exactly. Just set priorities. I remember the first time we met, he noticed my nails and asked if they were fake, because I always had long nails and paint them. I told him they weren’t fake, I don’t loose my time with such things… I have other things in my life I want to concentrate on rather than my extra hair or go doing my nails … my health and my inner world, my creativity, these are more important to me… 

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I hope this is related to this discussion but I've been seeing way too many posts on my FB mom groups -women in their 30s and 40s - even early 30s - asking about how to get work done on their post-birth bodies - stretch marks/c-section scar (I have one!!), tummy tuck, wrinkles you know.  I mean I've just been seeing more and more - some I suppose are single moms who are dating I guess? Some are married.  FWIW - it makes me SAD!  I wish I could not feel this way I mean they're entitled to be happy with their bodies -entitled to get work done whether or not I would and I just feel sad they have so little acceptance of these flaws and imperfections!!

By contrast I'm a big fan of health and fitness. I truly believe that focusing on hydrating more than ever - as you get older - makes your skin glow, helps with maybe that sort of bloated tummy look right? Working out or walking or dancing in the living room like no one is watching I truly believes helps a woman embrace her body so much more and accept the skin sag/wrinkles/pesky hair whatever.  You get more in tune with your body without being so nitpicky.  And I also think it helps us aging women carry ourselves with more confidence too.  I mean for one thing a lot of exercise also improves posture so you literally carry yourself better.  

All of this is not to say -OP -that you need to feel comfortable parading around naked this early on  - especially this early on - you do you!! - but I hope it's not because of what I wrote above.

Thank you for sharing. I completely agree with you. I truly think my body looks good, I had a child, have no marks, I’m skinny and gaining muscles due to my workout. I don’t think some extra hair would be an issue. The guy I’m dating is hairy, he removed the ones of his back someday hoping I would like it. But frankly I don’t care if he’s got extra hair, I just like him. And I hope his interest in me is genuine enough to not ask me to change anything. Take me as I am… ( or leave 😂) 

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy hope you don't take offense but what do you find unattractive about it? 

Have you considered a bikini wax?  Just a thought without knowing what the real issue is. 

JMO but when a woman loves her body, that is an incredible turn on for most men.  It also makes for some extremely hot and intimate sex! 

Your guy sounds like he thinks every part of you and your body is beautiful.  Even your leg.  And I'm sure your lower too.

Embrace that and learn to love yourself too?  

I do not agree with hiding it and/or laughing about it. You demean yourself by doing that and him for desiring it.

A woman's body is to be embraced, not laughed at. 

JMO.

 

To be honest I always did the bikini myself. I never went to an institute. I waxed, shaped etc all by myself… maybe the reason why I’m not sure about it being “done properly” I don’t have much hair so it’s pretty easy to do it by myself. I don’t want to go every two weeks to do it… I have other priorities according to my physical appearance. I workout a lot, I go to the hairdresser every month, I even got a few injections to prevent wrinkles… I can’t do it all and I don’t want to… 

He said my lower part was beautiful, and frankly I cannot remember another men telling me that… 

8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

That's a subjective thing, some people find it endearing. When you say he noticed, how do you know this?

He noticed that once we get out of the bed I put my pijamas trousers directly, or I tend to hide my intimate part with my hand when he is lower… he asked why are you hiding it, I just replied I’m not hiding it… i don’t think this part of my body is esthetically attractive, idk… see men tend to sent *** picks all the time, but in reality I don’t know if my part is beautiful… sounds so silly. 

Hi y’a all! Just wanted to update a bit. Last time the guy asked me to go to the bath we finally changed plans. But he brought it up again. He told me he wanted to surprise me to go to a private spa on Monday (it’s in a hotel I mentioned a few days ago) but unfortunately they are booked on Monday and we won’t be able to see each other this weekend because of the kids… so he suggested going to a public one on Monday, its really beautiful and all new. So I agreed. Still waiting for my surgery planed in march and I wanted your insight… do you think I should put my black compression sleeve in order to feel better in regard to other people there, or should I just go without anything on my leg. I really can’t decide. We are both exited about going, this is something we share, we both enjoy thermal baths. 

For the context, he already noticed that sometimes I’m not really comfortable with being naked in front of him, somehow I need time to feel at ease on that level. Would that be a turn off for a man at this early stage (6weeks in) ? 

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

we share a lot with each other and i think we are closer than before.

You might feel even closer to him until he finds a job… anyway I will leave it at that. Take care of yourself Kim 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Or maybe -she just wanted to vent and maybe writing it out will help her figure it out.  Now I'm not sure.  

Still, if you need to vent it's because you feel frustrated...