Sindy_0311

29 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Definitely lesson learned there! 
 

He expressed a lot of remorse, hinted that I might be offended, I even came forward and said I’m open to rescheduling, I’m free Sunday (yesterday) and sometime next week. He completely ignored that message and sent me some dog vids I’d asked for. 
 

After that I shut down the conversation, till he messaged me a day later for one last time. He just wasted my time, what was the point, I don’t get it :’)

I don’t think he wasted your time. You never met, he was just a number on a screen. Maybe he was talking with multiple people and at the moment he decided to give more energy to the one(s) he felt more attracted to… I sometimes also start a conversation, text for a few days and then change my mind because there is someone else I feel more “connection” with… this is just how it works. Don’t take it personal. Also have to say that I have been texting with many many guys on online dating sites, sometimes we met, sometimes not, but I don’t get emotional at all about it. As long as I don’t meet the guy, he remains an abstract concept to me… I have no expectations at all.  

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

He wasn't. Just barely.  He didn't pursue you.

Remember: He did not pursue you for a relationship. 

And you ended things because of it and you've been second-guessing your decision and not following through out of insecurity ever since. This has been ongoing!! This is 3 months in ??? You've been amortizing all of this in cycles of arguments for about half of your entangling-with-him time? That you weren't sure you guys were "working out?" And even before all of this.. he didn't actively pursue you? 

And it isn't "assumptions" of yours to wonder if a guy who just stopped talking to you without follow-through has lost interest.. because he never pursued you in the first place. He didn't even pretend to be interested in the first place beyond sex. He is shutting down your intuition and telling you it isn't okay to do exactly what he is doing. 

You've been playing a non-game with a non-chalant guy trying to understand a non-relationship for months. It was a let down. An ongoing let down.  You were dating someone who likes to go with the flow. To muse. To be in love with love. To not have a passionate interest at the current time. To go with the flow of a relationship. He never committed to you in any way despite verbally agreeing to a goal of it that he never actualized anything. ...but he did have sex with you. 

Sex, for him, was the practical form of relating for him, something fun to do and do over and it offset the inevitable weirdness of making strict agreements. He doesn't know how to do intimacy with someone, let alone understand he is doing the opposite that you want him to do.  He mostly just wanted to meet his standards of an okay relationship balancing your needs with his lack of desire to engage  in a traditional relationship that is decidedly serious. He didn't take to following through too. He had time, motivation, enthusiasm other concerns blocking him and never prioritized them with you. 

In addition, he played a game about your time together he said he didn't. He lied to you. He wanted to mostly steamroll his way to where he feels comfy in the stagnant world he constructed for himself wandering around passively communicating and reminding you how he's chill, nonchalant and thought you were cute, if distant. 

You made the right decision the first time you ended it but you did it because you were insecure  about him not being "excited" and scared and you thought telling him it gave him an out would up his pursuit. Your insecurity was right for the wrong reasons. 

It's time to move on and find someone who is willing and able to pursue a real relationship with you. This guy is not it and it's not worth your time, energy, and emotional investment to try to make it work. Focus on loving and valuing yourself and finding someone who can reciprocate that love and commitment. Let go of this toxic dynamic and move on to better things.

This can resonate so much to many of us. I will magnet it on my fridge as a reminder  🙌🏻

1 minute ago, Lexismith said:

I’m going to do what it takes to make you not feel like that anymore.

Did he do it? 

The guy showed you exactly who he was but still you sticked to him. You didn’t run from it when you first had serious doubts… I’m not blaming you, neither him, but I suggest you try to be more skeptical when starting to date someone… observe, if you see something you don’t like, address it and if not corrected, leave. Dont get so emotional that you get to the point to struggle to let him go. 

3 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Ur right now you see why I feel stupid I feel like I was played? The fact that I knew this and I tried to end it twice makes me even more upset at myself 

You weren’t played, you just made a poor choice…

2 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Boom spot on. Yet he claimed this was the deepest he’s been with a woman?? He would say  “ I do have deep feelings for you I was going to make you my girlfriend, I’ve never made a girl my girlfriend so I was serious about you”. Then I reminded him that he’s dated women sometimes 7 months at a time so how could those women you dated for that long be surface level ? Yet we’ve only been dating for three months and this is deep for you? 

But he didn’t want to make you his girlfriend… these were just words… please always look at men’s action. Look at them like you would watch a silent movie, and you will have the answers you need… 

3 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

It was different I’ve never dated a nonchalant man so it kinda made me want to figure him out 

You wanted to figure out if his nonchalant behavior was him faking a lack of interest? 

4 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

It wasn’t just the compliments. He was nonchalant just in general all the time. Then when I would kinda pull away due to that, he would flip and stop being nonchalant??? I’m not sure if it was an act or not. 

I was thinking about this compliment thing. I think it’s ok if a man isn’t complimenting you as much was you would like IF he is good in other areas and you feel secure in the relationship. This can be applied to many other aspects. For instance if a man doesn’t want to vacuum but he provides in different ways, it’s still ok. The problem with your guy was not only about the lack of compliments, as you said he was nonchalant and had other negative traits. At the end you didn’t feel safe in this relationship, that’s why you ended up playing games. Just to say that you were not best for each other…. 

25 minutes ago, JayJ34 said:

. I will set a third date with her and just ask her

Let her reach out to you. Give her a few days. There’s no hurry. If she wants to see you again she will let you know. 

5 hours ago, JayJ34 said:

I actually got it but only for a week".

So I assume her work schedule for the week isn’t allowing her to see you? How is that? Does she have night shifts? 

I usually never reach out to a guy but I do respond, not within the minute but when I can. I don’t like to text to much in the beginning because it gives a faux sense of intimacy and closeness. I don’t think it’s an issue her not reaching out as long as she replies consistently. 
i would be more bothered by her vague response for the 3rd date. Also agree with other, don’t bring that up again. Wait to see if she actually suggests a day. 

2 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

, I got a good interview or I’m about to graduate from college soon and he wouldn’t say anything. So there’s definitely more to this than physical appearance. 

I agree that a man should at some point let you know he admires you for your achievements or your personality… I don’t believe in physically based compliments, but when he is not able to acknowledge your values, your goals or anything that goes beyond physical, to me it’s not sustainable… 

1 minute ago, Lexismith said:

No, not necessarily it just feels like everybody kind of is blaming me and pointing out my faults yet I feel like he had a lot of faults as well and I’ve listed them. I definitely do appreciate all you guys as responses because it has open my eyes and I know that I do have to do a lot of inner work.

We are just trying to help you understand the situation better and avoid making the same mistake for when Mr right crosses your path… I hope it helps and that you recognize that strangers insights are often more valuable than your friends ones who try to preserve you, in most cases… 

One advice that has been very helpful to me. When I have to overcome a deception, I give myself 3 days to talk about it, analyze and overthink, cry, shout etc. After 3 days, I don’t bring it up again (unless he reaches or something like that) Please consider stop mentioning this guy and remove him from your thoughts… it will help you move on… 

32 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So everybody is on his side I was the problem got it !

It’s never black and white… you both were not compatible, that’s it… there is no use in trying to find out who was wrong. You both were “wrong” because at the end you don’t belong together. I think you should take advantage of this break up to reflect on your behavior and what you could have done different or better. Try to shape yourself to be ready to welcome the man that is truly best for you. 

9 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So you agree he wasn’t into me 

He might just have changed his mind about you through time… it doesn’t make him a player. 

58 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

So then I got played . If he wasn’t interested in me 

Sometimes this narrative is easier to accept than the fact that he was not that into you despite of your beauty. Beauty by itself is not enough for a long term relationship, communication skills, humbleness, confidence and kindness are… 

1 minute ago, Lexismith said:

I haven’t contacted him. I already took him off my social media a week ago. We’ve been no contact for almost a week 

That’s good. Just stick to this. And if you ever feel the urge to text him or call him, come back here and write down what you were about to text him. Or even ask one of your girlfriends, text her instead of your ex. 
it won’t be easy, because you are still having feelings, but it’s the best way to overcome this. 🙌🏻

Just now, Lexismith said:

Harsh but yeah I get it. Do you think he’ll ever come back ? 

What I suggest you do now is you completely stop contact with him. Don’t you ever reach out to him again. Not even on social media, unfollow him, don’t let him see your posts and stories. You try to move on, meet new people, get busy, get healthy, take care of yourself and live your best life. He might reach out in a few weeks or month. If he does, respond, politely, but with reserve… if he never reaches out again, which might also happen, at least you began the process of detaching from him and you might even meet someone better for you. But imo in these situations, the best way is always no contact!! 

14 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

I knew this that’s why I kept trying to end it but I thought maybe u was overthinking. 

You should try to stop reading between the lines with men. They are way more basic than women think. We they do or say something, they actually mean it. 

20 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

What was the purpose of him even coming back three days later ? He should have just stayed ghost.

This is what he said: I hope everything is good and if you don’t respond I get it I wish you the best I enjoyed the time we spent together.

IMO He basically apologized for not answering to you and let you know that he was ready to move on. He didn’t ask for more clarification or discussion. He just wished you well and thanked you for the good times… this was his goodbye text, he didn’t want to be rude by ghosting you but he neither wanted to discuss the relationship more. 

9 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

The whole Valentine’s Day was cruel, and the fact that he posted flowers, and a card on his story was cruel, making it seem like he was with another girl, which probably he was

You also posted weird stuff. In my opinion you shouldn’t post those kind of things when you are in a relationship with someone… if not to be cruel it’s seems to me that it was a way to gain his attention back to you. You played games too.
You don’t really know whether he was seeing another girl, but you should be able to feel those things. If something is off, trust your gut. A man who is really into you won’t take the risk to make you doubt about his faithfulness, but he did on Valentine’s Day. I suggest you leave him alone. Don’t contact him and start dating other people. Don’t overanalyze, you just weren’t good for each other. End of story. 

5 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

We were exclusive 

Since you both agreed to be exclusive and were faithful to one another, why do you have the feeling that he played you??

Were you exclusive or still dating other people? 

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's done nothing wrong.

I would go even further saying that I appreciate the fact that he was clear with his intentions towards you since the beginning. I guess he sensed that you really like him and again doesn’t want you to get a wrong impression. As they all said, I suggest you stay away. Stop texting him and let him go. Try to go on dates with other men, this guy wasn’t for you.