Sindy_0311

49 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

but was it made clear to him that the situation about his place was becoming so make or break eg. '

these are two texts I sent him (it’s google translate so pardon my English)

on Wednesday:

There are many things that I don't know about you and that don't help me move forward...I don't know where you live, you've never invited me to come to your house. I don't even know if you really live alone. I'm missing important pieces of the puzzle, and without these, I very much doubt that I can give more of myself even if that's really what you want. You told me about your doubts and your fears, so I'm opening up and explaining to you what I need at this stage to be able to move forward. I think you can understand that if you really care about me. Again, you didn't do anything wrong but I have a hard time understanding why you don't want to share your world with me.

on Saturday: 

You have discovered my world, you know where I live, you know that I live alone, you know where I work, you know everything I do... and as I explained to you, if you don't have the possibility to invite me to your house once to give me confidence, there is a problem... I prefer to cut things off rather than letting things drag on. I have needs at the start of a relationship, I told you about them, you don't have the opportunity to respond to them, so I have no choice but to listen to my intuition and move on. 
 

My communication couldn’t be clearer… 🙌🏻

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm not saying that this applies to your ex's situation, but do you feel confident that you discussed this issue enough to learn about his reservations and determine whether they were valid or not? If so, you did the right thing.

Just wanted to respond to this. His reservations were valid, I told him that I understood his daughter being a priority (I have a kid too). Still I don't get it that you can't invite someone over even for one or two hours during her school time or If she's staying with a friend at her moms, which she often does. I had doubts about the fact that he was hiding something. Also because I noticed other signs (like not sleeping over at my place and his phone on "no disturb" mode once, etc... )

I told him clearly that since I can't go to his place, I'm not willing/able to open up more to him. It would feel stuck in an emotional "cul-de-sac". My trust in him couldnt grow, and so couldn't our relationship... 

I think he clearly understood it but he sticked to his principle.

20 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't mean to keep challenging you, but you were quite adamant that him not inviting you over to his was a big red flag and dealbreaker.

So under what circumstances might you have changed your mind and wanted to continue dating him?  As you just stated in your previous post? 

If I could have gone to his place and notice by myself that there was no issue, like woman stuff, or a messy place, or even just be able to see that he lives alone and not at his parents for intense - there are many reasons why a guy wouldn't a woman to come over, outside of living with someone else -then I would have been reassured.   

But without going to his place, theres no chance I would have changed my mind. 

Anyway, it's all blocked now and we will both move on. I usually give myself three days to overcome a disappointment. Now I'm done. 

I had two new matches today... on another dating app. Already feeling exited to meet new people. 

Thank you all for your different insights on my issue. As always it helped much. Thread, and case, closed. 🙌

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well, you would not have broken up with him had he invited you over, correct? 

Correct

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I wouldn't. You broke up with dignity, and doing this ^^^ would revoke that. He doesn't deserve to know that you're upset by his profile. You broke up with him, remember?

I didn’t send anything rude. And didn’t mention his profile. 

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why should he care about that? If someone breaks up with me, I'd do whatever I want. I'm certainly not going to cater to their perceptions at that point.

As I explained, I think it’s disrespectful from him to be back on the dating app after pretending he would wait for me a bit longer in case I change my mind. If you want to move on, you don’t say to OP that you will wait in case they change their mind. It’s common sense to me… 🤔

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Is there a chance you would have changed your mind had he not gone back on the app so quickly? 

I would maybe have changed my mind if he had invited me over and had not gone back on the dating app… 

32 minutes ago, kim42 said:

'm not sure if I understand this correctly

In one of his last texts on Saturday he said that he would wait for me for a while in case I change my mind, so I found it disrespectful of him to be back on the app after only 24 hours… but again just not how I operate… 

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I guess we're all different. If a guy ended things with me, I wouldn't care about him seeing me on a dating app. I mean it's over, especially if it was a short relationship.

You wouldn’t care about him seeing you even if you told him that you would wait for him a little while? 

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think that him stating on the app that he's looking for casual means that he was casual with you too.

 

Yeah but I would never activate my profile 24hours after a “breakup”. This is not really respectful, mostly because we met on that app. I would at least wait a few days, or hide it. But this is me… 

I told him. After he asked me to remove his credit card from my Uber eats… 😂

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay then block. Do what's best for you Sindy.

Try to not concern yourself with or overthink why he's back on the app.

How did you meet this new guy?  Are you back on the app or a different app?

In any event, out with the old, in with the new, enjoy!  

I met this one on instagram. We will see how it goes… 

I will tell him that I’m not willing to communicate any further and wish him well. 
if he reaches out again in a few days I’ll block him. 

I canot pretend I don’t care. As you said it’s logic against emotions. My emotions are still here even though I know that I don’t want to pursue on his terms. 
him reaching out won’t help me in any way. That’s why it’s easier to block. If I don’t respond I suspect that he will insist and call me or even come to see me at work. Now he said that he wants me to update him about my injuries in the coming days, and that he cannot forget me so easily. Again, these are only words, but they don’t help me. 
i block because I do care… 

I ended it, but I did it because he couldn’t reassure me. So basically, HE ended it. 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being "convenient" to his work is another red flag.

He also came a few times when he wasn’t working, BUT why wasn’t he staying the night on work days. His work place is 10 minutes away from my place. 

In fact I think HE should change his mind and arrange for me to come over someday, even a few hours, if really he wants to pursue this 

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Sindy, did he actually "ban" you from his home?

Apologies if I missed that, seems harsh. 

If so, then agree with Wiseman.

I thought he simply wasn't comfortable yet due to his kids. 

He didn’t ban me. He said his 13 years old daughter is having some difficulties staying at her moms because she argues a lot with her stepfather. And therefore she was coming more often. He also said that since I live next to were he works it makes it easier to see each other. Would I live in his city (40 minutes drive) he would have to forbid his daughter to come home somedays. 
i brought it up once 2 weeks ago when he sent me photos of his laptop and all his gaming tools, I told him I would enjoy  visiting his place. 
he only sleeped once in my bed and we don’t see each other often during weekends because he is with his daughter. (We only spent one weekend together) we have been dating since 2nd of January, not 9 weeks… (I previously corrected it) 

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

About what though? You ended it.

I felt frustrated because I thought there was potential. 

Of course there’s some fear involved, we are all humans, and that’s why we set boundaries; to avoid disappointments or being hurt. 

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Personally, I was surprised by your reaction to that; I wound not have had the same reaction.

How would you have handled it? I’m not comfortable with him not being able to invite me over. So what was I supposed to do after discussing it with him? I broke up because we weren’t able to move at the same pace… 

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Please don't send that. Again, you already ended it, there is no reason to. 

You seem angry about something.  IMO he sounded like a good guy who cared about you. 

I didn’t send him the text. Didn’t send anything since I wished him well on Saturday. Frankly I’m feeling frustrated… might be because of the events of last week, the fact that I had plenty of time on my hands to overthink it all. I don’t know.

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't understand why you would care if he's on a dating app after you ended things with him. I mean, he's free to do whatever he wants.

Yes he is free of course. But i was a bit surprised to be honest. I dont know what he is about. He texted me this morning asking how my appointement to the doctor went. I didn’t reply. I told him the other day that I was moving on, so why is he still reaching out like if nothing happened. I don’t want to be rude either by blocking him right away. But I guess I will have to do it if he reaches out again. 
im always curious about people’s behaviors, and why they act the way they do.

I asked my friend to check the dating app, to see if he was online. She sent me a screen shot of his profile. He registered again after only 24 hours… in his details it mentions that he is looking for casual only. Seems like I dogged a bullet.

In one of his last texts he said that he would wait for me for a while in case I change my mind, but apparently he won’t… I will send him a good riddance text tomorrow and then block him. I don’t understand why he registered again knowing that I would probably see it if I activate mine… he could at least have changed for another app for a few days or hide his profile… it’s weird. 

I don’t regret anything. I had good company, good sex, and learnt another lesson: I will stick to my principle to not accept exclusivity so early on. I already have another date planned for next week 😄🙏

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

 

I have kids and a hard and fast rule I had was that no man would ever spend the night when I had my kids with me.  Not unless we were planning to live together.  Any man who had a problem with that wouldn't be in my life anymore.  I was in three different relationships over the course of about 12 years and this was my rule for all of them.  However, when the kids weren't there then I did allow sleepovers.  I had a set schedule for when the kids were with me and when they weren't so it was fairly easy to plan.

 

This is exactly the way I operate. I never introduced a man to my kid. They come to my place when he isn’t. For me it’s important to allow a man I’m dating to come over after a few dates, and I expect the same in return. I am a mom but I also prioritize my love life. If I cannot go to his place after a few weeks of dating, I assume there’s an issue either because of his supposed single status or because he isn’t willing to share his world with me. In both cases, huge red flag 🚩 

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You made the right call!  Balancing logic with emotion.  And logically things didn't add up, and after only 6 weeks, it's goodbye.

This is exactly what I’m trying to stick to. If there’s something I cannot understand, I adress it, if the guy cannot correct I move on… it’s that simple and so important in the early stages. I do think he is single, but if he is not ready to invite me over to his place, it doesn’t work for me. he might just no be ready to give space to a woman in his life. Whatever his reasons are, not my problem, we are not on the same page. So I next… I hope everything is going good for you and your guy! Thank you also for your support! 

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

over 2 months

Sorry I made a mistake. We are one moth and a half in. We met on 2nd January and kissed on the 3rd January. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like one of the reasons you wanted to see his place and be there was because you did not trust he was single/dating others (although I don't recall if you said you two were exclusive).  Maybe I'm speculating.

He asked for exclusivity on the 3rd date… I agreed (now I regret it). I told him that for me it was important to see his place, as I wanted to have a whole picture of him, and also said that he knew a lot about me and I was willing to discover his world too… after a few days, I dropped the fact that I don’t even know if he really lives alone… he used to ask me to be transparent, and ask questions about who I’m seeing, whether I’m entertaining other people, we both agreed in the beginning that we had to speak about our doubts. He got cheated in the past and needed that reassurance, and I always tried to reassure him that I was seeing only him. And the moment I asked for some reassurance that he was single or living alone, he couldnt respond with action by inviting me over. So I guess he’s got something to hide… and even if he really lives alone, it doesn’t work for me anyway…