Sindy_0311

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

When I'm in a relationship, I love flirting and being a little naughty with my partner, but if a guy asked me on a first date if it's cool to be sexual, that would definitely turn me off. Why? It just feels like a requirement and puts pressure on me to respond in a certain way. But once we've built that trust and understanding, then we can really have some fun.

I agree and operate the same way. If a guy tries to sext before a date, or before we even got intimate, I either next him or address it, it depends on how he presents in general. I also heard of many guys being cautious in the way they physically approach woman, some of them are afraid of rejection or of sexual harassment accusations. Maybe sexting is a way to approach them less directly, as you said to "test waters" to gauge a woman's interest... A lot of them are also afraid of being friendzoned in the beginning which can explain the early stage sexting. 

The guy I mentioned yesterday, who was trying to sext with me, I wasn't in the mood so I just ignored him for a little while. But today I was willing to do it and we had a few exchanges. He told me how he can't concentrate on anything else, and how he is looking forward to meet again etc... Somehow I think it can build attraction and connection when its done good and in a playful way. But not when you are dealing with a stranger you never met... makes no sense... 

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think that is a great attitude Sindy! 

Great attitude as you say…  we all want that special person… but unfortunately we live in a time where I don’t think it’s a probability. To many options due to social media. When you feel good with someone you think about your other options because you know you can swipe and find a better person. It’s so easy. I’m the first one to acknowledge that I’m thinking of finding better when dealing with someone. Because I know I can meet whoever I want the next day. It’s sad, but the relationship our parents or our grandparents had no longer exist. We live in a world of insta fashion, insta food and insta relationships… Everything is ephemeral. When I met my husband, 15 year ago, things were different. But now… OMG… in 10 years things changed a lot and I realized I had to accept it and I just wish my 8 years old son will experience true love once in his life… 🙏

Dating (especially OLD) is tough nowadays. You better get prepared to never find what you are looking for… Just act accordingly to your standards, and if no one can meet you there, make sure to build a happy life by your own. I gave up on the fantasy of finding my partner… I’m trying to just have the best life I can. If I happen to meet him, then great. If not, I will be fine… I will be ok with casual flings because I think this is what people have to offer nowadays. How could it be different in the world we live in… 

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just out of curiosity, are you planning on responding with your standard reply stated your first paragraph?  Or if you don't want to go out with him again, will you just ghost?  Or tell him he's not a good fit?

How do you handle that sort of thing?

 

 I never ghost, but I observe and then decide. Having sex with someone doesn’t imply this kind of sexting. I expect a bit more than the usual “been thinking of what you did to me last night, how and what if etc…” If the only thing that comes out after first sex is this kind of text, yes, I do get distant. without any regret. I think that what a guy says or how he acts after the first time reveals a lot about his intentions. I knew of some men trying to be more delicate after first sex because they didn’t want the women to think it was only about that. If a man is only sexting about first sex, you better assume he wasn’t pursuing you for your brain… 

Ok, I didn’t read all the replies, so I might repeat what others said… but this is how I proceed: when I guy tries to sext before we even got intimate I tell him: “as long as I like texting ( or spending time) with you, I reserve this kind of communication for someone I’m being intimate with.” 

By replying this way, you make him understand that at this stage, you aren’t ok with this kind of exchanges, but neither are you completely prude and open to sexting once the relationship has evolved in something more meaningful. 

Look, I had sex for first time with a guy yesterday. It was our 3rd date. And tonight he began trying to sext me ( i can sense it even if it’s not that bold) I didn’t reply. I’m not interested in that, have other stuff going on. If it’s just about sex, they better wait or go their way. You don’t have to accept that. I never sext with guys when I’m not comfortable to do it. 

15 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Maybe my brain is focusing too much on the negative in order to protect myself though. 

As I always say, when you feel you have to protect yourself from someone or something, it’s just your gut feeling telling you that it’s not where you belong… you are doing great.
With the right guy, you won’t have to second guess for a second. You both will just click… this is why I still go on dates, because I’m sure someday I will experience this. I wish you will too! 

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

There are certain things you can pick up that are red flags,

Is this really a red flag? Or is it just a mismatch… I don’t think this guy showed any warning signs outside the fact that his personality didn’t align with what OP was looking for. I think we over use this term, because the guy can easily meet someone more reserved like he is and she won’t see it as such. Red flags, to me, apply to people who pretend to be someone they are not, or who have intentions contradicting to what they pretend… 

Anyway, I’m glad you made your decision and don’t worry for him. He will be fine. If I can suggest something for the next time you have to « reject » someone, don’t say you didn’t feel the romantic spark… just say that you both seem to want something different from a relationship. Because if you say you didn’t feel the spark, they will automatically assume it’s because of their looks, which is always a hard pill to swallow… just my opinion… 

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Well you just said in one of your replies that you like to leave men confused after the first date so that does sound like playing games a little.

I corrected by saying this: 

23 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

agree, let’s not use the “confused” word but rather “trigger interest” or “arouse curiosity” 

but I do think OP should go on another date and try to see if there is more attraction. For some people, first dates/meets are a bit stressful and they don’t really can figure out whether there is some potential, even more when it’s a short meet… maybe worth it to dig a bit deeper and not having regrets later on. 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and if the interest is mostly placed on keeping the man on his toes that way then poof when he wins the prize he might get bored.

You do know I don’t let men on their toes. I get intimate pretty quick with them around the 5th date. So I’m not playing games. And if he looses interest because he won the prize, better sooner than later I’m ok with it. I just think that dating is like a dance… you make a move, he makes a move, you open up a bit, he does the same and vice versa while keeping some heathy distance in the beginning. I don’t know how this is playing games… 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I went on many many dates where the man did not try to kiss me on the first meet or date -which was a very positive thing IMO. And we were both very attracted.  I think it's fun to get to know someone slowly over time like unwrapping layers of a package but not where the person is actually confused.  Because if it's going to be long term if that game-like "confusion" is resolved that may have been too much of the "excitement" and not enough other interest/excitement to sustain anything long term.

I agree, let’s not use the “confused” word but rather “trigger interest” or “arouse curiosity” 

4 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I admit it's confusing for me too. If I'm not attracted to a man, I don't want to kiss him. So I don't need to kiss someone to know if I'm attracted to them but I guess everyone is different 

I do like kissing. As I said I don’t kiss if I’m repulsed, but only to confirm that I’m not feeling physical attraction enough to be willing to go on another date. Sometimes you can kiss a man you aren’t that attracted to and the kiss feels so good that it makes you change your mind… it happened to me once or twice when I was casually dating. And I happened to have second dates with these people. 

47 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Jesus, that's so confusing for guys. If a women kisses you at the end of the first date you would assume it was because they liked/were attracted to you, not the other way round 😂 

I know… I’m sorry for you guys. So its better not to assume anything based on a first date. When I like someone, I’m more willing to take my time, let the attraction build and some tension to be created… I like it when you ask yourself whether you are going to kiss them on the second date, what it will be like. I  like to leave men a bit confused after the first date and give them a chance to fantasize about the kiss or what is going to happen or not. I think they like that feeling too… 

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that's another way -I most often did not feel comfortable kissing after a first meet or date -- too soon usually.  I knew I was if I felt the desire to kiss the guy -didn't have to actually kiss.  If no desire but not -repulsed -I gave it up to 4 dates.

I usually don’t kiss the guys I’m attracted to on the first date or meet. I don’t feel the urge to do it because I know we will have other opportunities to kiss.

and of course I don’t kiss if I’m repulsed… 😂

I don’t go on second dates if I’m not attracted by the person. What I usually do is kiss the guy at the end of the first date to make sure I’m not attracted. And usually it works, there’s no physical chemistry… next day I explain that I didn’t feel the spark… no harm done. 

31 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry for the harassment you've received here.

Are you serious??? 

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Some people are just profoundly shy and they have a hard time starting a conversation for reasons only they know.

Agree… the question is would OP be ready to start something with a guy who didn’t have enough balls/confidence to come speak to her… me personally I would not. 

12 minutes ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

Put yourself in my shoes as to if some random person set their items up at the exit door as you were trying to leave. And if that wouldn’t concern you, well, makes me think you’d be the type to do something like that.

It wouldn’t concern me. I would just think this dude is weird, ask him to remove his stuff and pass my way… 

12 minutes ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

If he was leaving with someone it would be more believable as to why he was waiting around and I’d not continue to think about if I could approach this guy if he’s with a girl. 

So essentially you are fishing for green light for you to approach this guy. But you masked it behind a “is he stalking me” topic. Please be honest 🙏

I never commented on a joke… I did get the joke… when you quote someone please make sure you address to the person you quoted… 

1 minute ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

I can only imagine since you didn’t take a joke I mentioned seriously how literal you’re taking this. 

What joke? 

4 minutes ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

What a gaslight.

Gaslighting doesn’t work with smart people… take note… 

Why did you want to know whether he was leaving with someone? What would you have learnt about him exactly? Sorry but I don’t get it. 

13 hours ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

Once I left, I waited for him to leave to see if he was leaving with someone and he left 3 minutes later,

You said you waited for him to leave… and now you say your car was 3 minutes away. Walking 3 minutes usually doesn’t allow you to be close enough to see someone leave… 

I remember what a friend told me someday. I was telling him how my coach would sometimes try to catch my attention, shower me with compliments, and try to engage in conversations after classes. And he told me knows a guy, also a coach, him and his mates would act around girls with the only intend of hocking up in the showers with them. They would compliment, turn around them, and gauge their interest level before actually making a move when they feel they are reciprocating interest. I’m not saying that it’s what is going on here, but seriously? These guys are all shy? I think most of them are just fishing for the one who will show most interest and make things easier. 

11 minutes ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

If a molester molests one girl are you gonna say “well he probably molests plenty of other girls” to discredit her experience? Typical.

If his behavior is making you feel uneasy, why don’t you just tell him, please don’t block the exit, or ask him why he is following… 

im not discrediting your experience and he didn’t molest you. What im saying is he might try to have an opening with others girls… and no, if a guy molests you I won’t say he does the same with others… your exemple is completely irrelevant. I just think you are reading into signs way to far. He might be shy like all the guys of your gym obviously, so if you want to know whether he is interested go talk to him. That simple.