Sindy_0311

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again for me I've had men tell me, due to my shyness and anxiety, they couldn't get a read on me and assumed I wasn't interested.

Just being curious… were you dating these guys? 

49 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But be open, be friendly, give him a green light so he knows you're still open and interested in going out again. 

IMO she already gave him a green light, twice: first when she accepted coffee and second when she said yes for the after work. At this stage ( two coworkers  who has coffee once) I would leave it at that, be cautious and not try to push things. 

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. 

I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again. 

She already said yes. So I would let him reach out when he knows the details. (I assume it’s not the case yet, so no need to ask…) just be patient. 

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There's a reason why and I'm just wondering if HE sensed a lack of interest and/or enthusiasm on your part.  After the coffee meet.

I think it’s always dangerous to say that she might haven’t shown enough interest. This is exactly what leads women to pursue men that aren’t that into them. OP showed up for the coffee, she engaged in conversation, laughed with him, accepted the after work drink… what else/more should she do?? Nothing IMO. 

12 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Might be too much but I've always felt that if you want to find someone, you gotta be proactive too.

I don’t know. I don’t believe in being proactive this way. I had a date once with a guy who works same field, knows my boss etc… we initially started talking together on an app until he suggested to have diner together. We had a lovely evening, talking a lot about work, travels and our lives in general. He never reached out after that if not for work purpose. I reached out once and he didn’t follow up with the conversation. We never had a second date (that was 6 month ago). I learnt after that he was going through a difficult time. 

Also met this guy, the famous coach two weeks ago, we have acquaintances in commun. The date/meet was great too, but outside of wishing me well for my surgery last week, he didn’t reach out or asked me out again and its ok. He has his own reasons. (Maybe his recent breakup) The thing is, outside of being open, kind and answer to texts/calls, I think women shouldnt be proactive after the first meet. In your case, the guy knows he has access to you, he can text you and suggest going out to this after work drink without taking the risk of being rejected or coming on to strong and even like this he doesn’t do it. He had the balls to ask for coffee right? And now that it should be easier for him to see you again, he makes no move. I would take as a « not that interested. » at least for now.

For me, a good way to approach these situations that seem to lead nowhere is to consider that I’m planting a seed… this is my point: you go out with a man, he learns to know you better, he might enjoy you, but for whatever reason (recent heartbreak, commun work environnement or him struggling with anything in his life or better dating options) he isn’t willing to go further for now… Maybe in a few month he will be ready to date you, you never know. But most important is to take every opportunity to plant a seed… Now, this doesn’t mean entertaining men through text or anything during months in hope of something coming out of it. You go on a date and if they don’t ask for a second one, you step back… IMO me it’s a healthier approach. 

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand wanting to be in touch daily when you're an established couple -that "old fashioned" approach.  But you're not a couple in that sense -at all.  Sounds a bit too insta relationship to me and I'm glad you're dialing it back.

I think this is what dating looks like in 2024. If you dont reach out daily or every two days (at least) you are considered as an exception or not that interested. JMO 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^So if a man is coming on intensely, texting morning and night every night and the woman he's dating tells him they need to slow down the pace, he should still maintain the same pace?

I don't agree with thar AT ALL.  It's completely disregarding her feelings and request to slow down.  It's disrespectful. 

The question here is whether OP has to slow down texting or other stuff, like initiating dates, talking about parents, future plans etc… OP, tell me if I’m wrong but she said she enjoys your texts, and she « introduced » you to her mom and a friend of hers right? I don’t understand what exactly you have to slow down here…

I use dating apps only for casual dating… I know that if I meet someone through an app theres a higher chance that it won’t lead to a serious relationship. IMO, people trying to find true love on dating apps are the one who are new to it. After 3 or 5 years of using them, if you are smart enough you realize that the process itself (after a few years you become disgusted by it…) and the competition (you can always find better) These are not sustainable to find true love… (except for the exceptions to the rule…) 

So just use them to make new friends… 

On 4/14/2024 at 5:29 AM, Jaunty said:

Have you read the novel, "Th Age of Innocence"?  It's great.  

It's much more a social commentary than a love story and IMO Scorcese nailed it.  

I’ve read many of English novels, Brontes and Austin’s books, also Anna Karenine and others… which are also interesting social commentaries. But I will definitely read the Age of Innocence…

9 hours ago, JamesTaylor7892 said:

I just get a gut feeling she's still not sure what she wants from this, and still doesn't fully trust me given she's been hurt previously like she said. 

Wow!! Three weeks of dating and you already talked about meeting the parents and meanwhile she says she doesn’t know what she wants from it? To me, she sounds like someone who didn’t heal from her past relationship and is getting into something she can’t manage. She is inconsistent, tries to act cool and is seemingly playing games, which are behaviors that often lead to sabotage (believe me, been there, done that…) 

My advice is you stay consistent. Don’t change your texting pattern. If you want to send her a good night text, do so. When she declines an invitation, instead of suggesting another date, just tell her to reach out to you when she is willing  to see you again. Also, try not to talk to much about past hurts or big emotional stuff in early stage. Keep it fun, lighthearted for the first two month. And once you start to know someone better, open up more… this girl has been in your life for 3 weeks, don’t give her to much credit from the jump. Remain skeptical, but kind. Observe, and decide whether she is a good match for you. If her behaviors makes you feel uneasy, address it. And if she doesn’t correct it, then decide to move on if you have to (the sooner, the better) You don’t owe her nothing. someone said something funny that goes like that: I’m sure the jar of jam you have in your fridge is older than this relationship… 

IMO you did it all right. Now the ball is in her court. The key rule here is: don’t invest more than she does… 

Good luck to you! 

On 3/31/2024 at 1:28 PM, Batya33 said:

Edited to add -there is a lovely old novel that was also a movie called I Remember Mama about a struggling family and how she made sure they felt secure.

I watched the old movie (1948) inspired by the novel 2 weeks ago. I really liked it, but most of all, it made me wanting to watch more movies lately.
I had my legs surgery earlier this week and plenty of time lying on my couch... So I decided to watch some of my favorite movies which I didn't do for a long time. I always enjoyed old ones, musicals, love stories etc. Surprisingly, the love stories that I found so beautiful before have lost their magic. The characters are all so complicated. The ones I thought were in love, actually are not. Often it's lust or the fantasy which drives a story which ultimately reaches a dead end. 

People often compare their love stories to those in films and novels, wanting to experience the same feelings. But I have to say that I found nothing transcendent in the ones I watched this week. the most telling example is the Scorcese "The age of innocence". At the end of the movie, the main character decides to walk away from the woman he has been secretly loving for years when he finally had a chance to be with her.  “She didn’t turn around.” At the end that was all that mattered. This whole story is based on desire, there's no deep love. Everything is based only on the stories the main character tells himself, images like all the paintings and the theater present in the film... 

Worst movies of all, Pretty Woman... Is this actually a love story? I only see two incompatible characters getting into a relationship based on nothing but lust and desire. The proposition of Richard Gere to buy her a horse and get her an apartment et.... How can a man who has respect for a woman say that to her. This is so disrespectful and reveling the truth about his intentions towards her. I wonder why this sentence never shocked me before.

I'm becoming so skeptical. I was a lover of love, but I think that I no longer believe in it... not even in movies... 

5 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

"Good evening. Unfortunately I can't seem to get past it. Best of luck in love"

Now she made it clear she doesn’t want to give it another try. She wished you well and now you have to move on. I previously said that you could try take things with a slower approach, but that was before she send you this text. 
I also agree with the fact that good connection isn’t always a two sided thing. You can feel something special, assume the person you are dating is feeling it to when in reality it’s often not the case. The only thing you can rely on while dating is the other persons willingness to see you again for a 2nd 3rd date… good luck to you! 🍀 

I usually kiss guys I like on the second or third date. The reason to this is simple: if I kiss a guy on the first date, the second one will automatically start with kissing and physical contact when in fact I’m not ready for it. I rather talk more than spend time hugging and behaving like a new couple which makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe she wasn’t aware of it, and thinking now of the second date, she is afraid you both will be closer from the jump. What you could do, (if really the issue is the kiss) is tell her that you would enjoy meeting her again and would respect her pace for physical contact and leave the kisses on hold for now… suggest a second meet to know each other better through conversation. If she declines, then probably the issue wasn’t the kiss and you caught her at her own game… 

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's - open of him to lead with where he is right now in life.  I think if he were your coach and not your first meet/date he'd tell you - run now.  (At least for now). I'm not such a fan of veering toward a first meet being a therapy session as he seemed to maybe do?

I couldn’t agree more… 

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hey @Sindy_0311, I realize this isn't your thread and apologies to yoga, but you posted about it and was wondering how your meet/date went?  

Inquiring minds..... ??

You are being curious 😁

We met yesterday. I did sent him the location on Sunday. We met and spent almost 3 hours together for a drink. 

In the beginning I felt a bit intimidated, so I just let him talk. He mainly talked about his business and activity as a coach, then he talked about his personal life. His ex-girlfriend broke up with him last December after cheating on him. (3 years together) He said he got really hurt and now feeling better but still having ups and downs. He asked about me, me marriage, my work, my life and at what point in my life I am. I told him that I’m enjoying meeting new people, and willing someday to find a partner. I mentioned that I’m usually cautious not meeting people who struggle with a recent breakup and that I would have appreciated him being honest about it in our first exchanges (which he did not. He said he understood) But then, we just enjoyed the evening. We were more relaxed, we laughed, talked a lot, he opened up a lot. We were sometimes touching each other, him on my shoulder or fixing my jacket. He was very (overly) chivalrous during the whole time. He also jumped to pay for the drinks and offered to drive me home when the bar closed. He opened the cars door (they don’t automatically do lol). I went out the car, hugged and thanked him. He said he would text me to ask how my surgery went (its scheduled for tomorrow).  No kiss. I didn’t want at this point, but I felt like he wanted to because he seemed confused when we parted…  

According to the topic, I think the issue is this guy doesn’t seem in a good place. I felt sadness and disappointment from life in general. He is going through therapy, and is still healing from his past, childhood traumas, tough things… I didn’t feel this before because we didn’t exchange enough. I mainly saw what he portrays on social media, which is someone strong and ambitious, happy with his life. But right now, he clearly is not. Even his work seems to annoy him. He used to be a coach, and now he does more paper work, financial stuff which keeps him away from what he loves to do; coaching people.

He also said how he struggles in approaching women in real life. Like make the first move or engage in conversations… (it reminded me of Yoga’s last topic about the man who don’t court women anymore. He is the archetype of those men, very masculine on the outside but so sensitive/feminine and often criticized for being so) 

Now the first exchange we had through text on the dating app was like usual: what are you looking for, what kind of relationship, where do you live, do you have kids, asking about values etc… I didn’t feel any issue in his responses… would we have texted more, maybe I would have sensed some things. I did feel some connection and familiarity during the date, like teasing and sitting very close to each other. I’m attracted to him, but I will let the ball in his court… Now HE has to figure out whether he wants this to go further according to what point he is at in his life. 

10 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I followed your advice and joined a bunch of social events the last few weeks !

Hi! I’m glad you are meeting new people. I never tried meetup, and from what you describe it’s like OLD. Don’t they organize group brunch’s, museum visits or things like that? 
I considered trying meetup a few month ago, but if there are guys reaching out and trying to get one on one dates, I might change my mind, because I thought it was more to do activities in a group of people… 

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

She intentionally did not reach out when she returned to "test" him to see if HE would. 

HE did the same.  Intentionally did not reach out to test her to see if SHE would. 

This whole testing thing sounds so crazy and stupid. But let’s be honest, I think we all do that at some point. Now I know that if I reach out to him before he does I will have this little voice in my head wondering whether he would have done it. And it would make me feel uncomfortable.

I remember the guy I dated last summer, the festival guy. I actually reached out to him after our first meet, after almost 48 hours of silence. And during 3 month I wondered whether he was spending time with me just to please me or because he knew I liked him and he liked that feeling. If I had not reached out, maybe he wouldn’t have either… it’s often said that a relationship ends the way it began. In this case it was true. He wasn’t available enough and too nonchalant. I guess this is the lesson I had to learn and apply now. I won’t reach out to mister perfect, if he doesn’t, no harm done, I have two other “good guys” asking for a meet. 
@rainbowsandrosesyou were right about this SM mistery. Someone said higher that as a coach he might be self absorbed or superficial, really I don’t know what he is about. so I will get down back on earth and stop my fantasies… (maybe i will stalk his social media until Monday and stop afterwards, he is such a cutie 😂) 

1 hour ago, EternalOptimis said:

Breathe.. she's still on a dating site because she wants to meet someone.

 

Thank you for sharing. Yes this is the point. they are on dating sites because they want to find someone and maybe they didn't find the right one in real life. Its intimidating because only by seeing some pictures, social media, and some videos you already get the sense that you will like the person. 

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

I would stay away from stalking his Instagram and trying to find out more about him. Let him reveal information about himself naturally during the date.

Too late, I have been going through his social media quite a lot... But I think I will just treat him like any other guy. I'll try avoid talking about his work, and try to discover more about his personality to see whether he is compatible. He didn't seem willing to talk about his professional activity so I'll respect that, because I don't want this first meet to turn into a CrossFit discussion that would lead nowhere... 

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

I mean sure, you can wait until he confirms with if that makes you more comfortable, but then again- reaching out casually isn’t going to be a deal breaker. Making up your mind about how available you can be, when both of you are available, SETTING the date you guys have already planned for - and engaging with him on that date isn’t going to lose you this potential date?

I think it's ok to reach out tomorrow in the evening to set the place for the meet if he doesn't. He asked me where I wanted to meet him and I didn't tell him because the conversation turned to another subject. I will suggest the place tomorrow... I already heard his voice, so I think I will send him a voice message so he can hear mine too. Stakes are high 

Now according to the topic, what I experienced is that on OLD apps, when you don't exchange regularly with someone (like 2 or 3 days in a row), the conversation dies and we actually never meet. It just fizzles out until one meet someone they are more attracted to or get another interesting match. Which is often my case. I sometimes used to reach out after a few weeks again, only to find someone who wasn't that interested anymore... I think it's all a question of momentum. You sense some chemistry over text and you just enjoy the conversation until one suggests a meet. Once the meet is set, conversation usually dies a bit until we meet. And from there, you start texting or calling like you usually do with people you know in real life. 

Now, if you begin texting someone online, you have a few usual exchanges in the first minutes/hours and you exchange phone numbers and decide to set up a meet, I think there is no need to keep in touch in between. I just hope he won't bail... because this guy, frankly he is the personification of my mister perfect 😅 omg I feel so nervous... If I get the chance to actually meet him on Monday I don't know if I will be able to say a word in front of him. im so excited. I never experienced a crush like this without meeting, which makes me now understand how people can go for months entertaining long distance relationships with someone they never met. 

This topic is interesting because I’m experiencing something different right now according to texting and knowing each other before meeting. I used to text with guys during a few days before meeting them in person. Usually they would reach out once a day at least.
 

On Wednesday I matched with a new man (50) on a dating app. we had some exchanges during the evening and at the end of that conversation he suggested we go for a drink some time. I replied positively for next Monday, he accepted. Then no news during 24 hours. I reached out asking how he was doing and he replied in the evening saying he has been busy with work, but gave me his phone number so we could set things up easier for Monday. We had a few more texts after that. Today no news at all. I watched his instagram and found out that he is the head owner and coach of a famous CrossFit center and that he used to co-present a tv show and knows some celebrities. He didn’t mention he is a coach during our conversation until I brought it up. I do CrossFit, we have acquaintances in commun. And I can imagine how busy he is throughout the day. Him not texting makes completely sense. Why would he? I’m just a random woman he matched with on a dating app. This made me rethink this all texting before meeting… as Batya suggested, it’s maybe better to text only to set up dates after the first exchange.

But I have to say I don’t feel very comfortable going to that date now (he might/probably cancel it til then) because I feel like he’s out of my league and he doesn’t seem curious to know more about me. He is an abstract concept, and I can’t stop thinking about him, wondering whether we will actually meet on Monday. I already feel so intimated. First time it happens. First time that a guy seems healthy enough not to give me more importance than what I or any woman/man deserves at this stage. I just hope he won’t bail on me, or laugh at me during the date if he actually decides to show up, which I doubt very much 😅 

Now I’m just here, sitting back and waiting to see what will happen on Monday, but the true/little anxious me wants him to reach out and make sure that he isn’t going to ghost me… 

Look, my post might sound out of purpose, and I completely own it. You opened this thread to share your OLD adventures. And you met a women, I guess I’m not wrong by saying this is the first woman you met in real life since you opened the thread. Let me just say something. I’ve been meeting guys through apps for almost three years now. And frankly, none of them was ready emotionally to get into something serious. At the point that I removed my profile from these apps because NONE of the men I met on these apps were reliable. I’ve met about 50 guys in 3 years, I can’t think of one who was healthy enough to engage in a relationship. 

Now I know that if I meet someone who has a profile online I will have to deal with a complicated persona and I will date him casually only. My man, my partner, I will find find him somewhere in real life, doing my things, when I don’t expect him. 

I hope you found a partner in the lady you are currently dating. But please don’t get to smitten and protect yourself. 

As me and some of my friends would say: it’s no coincidence she is on an OLD app… (I’m on these apps because I have things to resolve too) 

Most men I met on the apps had things going on, were not ready, or not willing to engage in something serious. Statistics say that you have to meet at least 10 person (OLD) to find one that fits you In some way… Maybe I was the unlucky one…

I just say it with my love and consideration, please be cautious  🙏

Just been thinking today, every Monday, when I pick up my son at school for my week of custody, he wears the exact same clothes as the previous week when I dropped him at his dads. I know he puts him the same clothes on just to make me understand that isn’t to acceptable to mix his stuff. And surely because the clothes I buy are less fancy… my son already told me… 
i feel so ashamed 

edit: I wonder how my son perceives this: “look this is your uniform for mummy’s week… “ 

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can you -would you -take him to court to get him to pay more ?

I don’t know, I have to seek informations. I read this today on a Swiss website about divorce: « In the event of substantially different incomes, the parent who earns more owes a pension to the other parent so that the child's lifestyle is the same, whether he is with dad or mom. » I will call a jurist this week, ask him how to deal with this after school club thing, the fact that he forces me to pay for a nanny in black because I can’t afford full time, the health expenses in case of désagréments, if the fact that he lives with someone officially and therefore has less expenses plays a role etc… 

Just after our divorce he had money issues and I helped him. I lent him smth like 700, he gave me back but I did help because I knew he wasn’t financially comfortable either. Now that he is living with his girlfriend, who earns way more than him and come from a wealth family he is over controlling. Sometimes I wonder whether it doesn’t come from her. (She used to type the texts he sends me, I know it because they are written correctly, and he doesn’t speak French well, and he didn’t deny when I brought it up) I don’t know what’s going on… 

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

For his own child?  That's mind boggling.

Last week he told me I have to buy another soccer’s outfit, bag and shoes because he doesn’t want our son to travel with his stuff from one appartment to the other. I will have to spend at least 200 on that, and the same goes for his toys, clothes shoes etc… we don’t share anything even thought we live in the same neighborhood. When I decided to bring him to a dentist in emergency because he had some pain, he wasn’t ok because he said he already had an appointment three weeks after and he could wait. So I paid the bill. He didn’t participate. Is that normal? 

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My son was in college when I chose to move out of state and he still felt abandoned.  Please reconsider.

My son's dad would kick in more $ if I was struggling.  He knew everything was for our child, not for me.  Can your son's dad provide more to help you out?

No, I don’t think he would provide. 6 month ago I asked him whether he would be ok paying half the after school club I wanted my son to go. He didn’t agree and unfortunately their don’t have part time agreements for divorced parents. Meaning that you pay full time even if your kid goes half time. Which is why I decided to keep my nanny, was too expensive for me alone. Also he receives the family allowance and gives me half of it after paying my sons health insurance. He even benefits of social financial help for my sons insurance.  A few month ago I asked for me but they reported a part of the help on my sons insurance. I’m sure if my ex husband would have asked for it, based on his financial situation they wouldn’t allow anything. I think I will discuss this with my brother in law tomorrow. He helped me do budget and cutt all unnecessary expenses one year ago. Now it’s time to assess all this… and find other ways. Because obviously it’s not working. 

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Hi Sindy - you've posted before about some issues with your  ex's judgement and behavior with your son where alcohol is concerned as well as with some other circumstances; one where your child  was injured.   I don't remember the details.

On a different subject - from my point of view your son DESERVES to have both of his parents in his life.   I'm afraid that if you ceded full custody to his father, your son would feel rejected and abandoned by you.  IMO that would be far more damaging than dealing with your financial situation when he spends time with you.

 

You are right, I think I just needed to vent yesterday. Maybe time to look for another job and make more money… that’s the only solution and I will focus on this now.