Sindy_0311

5 hours ago, kim42 said:

I really don't want to start speculating that he might be lying or not completely honest.

I’m not saying he is a liar, on the contrary, he told you several times that he can't make it to see you and he seems very respectful/cautious in his communication. Still I don’t understand what he is about. But let’s not talk about him. 

You don’t care about the phone call because you don’t like it and that's ok. But the fact that he began sending you voice messages could mean that he was willing to escalate the communication on some level, which is what we talked about a few weeks ago, and the reason why you suggested a phone call, and he agreed.  If he had actually called you, do you think you would have felt upset the when your friend told you about her guy? Frustration mainly happens when a desire is not fulfilled. In your situation it could be a desire to see a progression, even a slight one…  (I’m just trying to find and explanation for how you felt the other day, which is what as you asked for… )

43 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I understand what you're trying to say but him being unemployed is the reason why he can't visit me

It might be the reason why he can’t visit you, but in reality you can’t be sure. 

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you trust that he is excited to see you once he can afford to? 

This is also an interesting question. 

I think you value this guy very much. Didn’t it crossed your mind that he might view you as someone he would date casually? A woman he would hang out with when you go to his city for work. He is ok with texting you or sending voice messages in the times you don’t to see each other but it seems to me he doesn’t want to give you a faux impression by taking the communication to the next level, by flirting or being more engaged or even call you. Would you be ok dating him casually? Like seeing him from time to times without any expectations? 

40 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you @boltnrun and @rainbowsandroses, very good questions in both of your posts, I definitely have something to think about. I think the conversation with my friend has indeed triggered something in me.

Sometimes, some situations can be draining, more than we think. Please do think about it. I hope you will find what's best for you! 

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I just felt upset yesterday and wanted to share to here

Was it maybe a feeling of frustration? 

Hi Kim, did he call you? 

50 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

she enjoys his friendship and she’s communicating with a friend while working out some of her issues. 

I think this is where we disagree. I don’t see it as a plain an simple friendship. She confessed many times that she does like him. So your point is irrelevant to me… 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Also, maybe you could consider a video call. That way you can see him and he can see you. 

I agree, I think video calls are easier.

But when I have to make a phone call that makes me nervous, I try to keep busy, like cleaning the kitchen or doing some extra stuff to appear more "relaxed" on the phone. Also I keep standing or walking because I know that I sound more confidant than when I'm sitting or slouching. I also try to find something to talk about in advance, like an anecdote I want to share or something great that happened during the day. The thing is to try to always have a positive tone, and positive conversations. Avoid at all coasts talking about work issues or anything that bothers you if you already struggle with phone conversations. Try to ask him questions and see if the conversation flows... It's usually a good test to see whether there is a connection, how long you are able to talk to each other, and if you feel comfortable doing so. 

It's good he replied about the call. But as others said, wait and see if he actually calls you someday. Maybe he won't and that's ok too. You suggested to plan a call, so now the ball is in his court, let him take the initiative. 

Just to mention, I also hate phone calls, not because of my voice, but because as an introvert, I hate smalltalk, and don't like to have deep conversations on the phone, I rather do that in person.

You know, I am one of these person who google the number appearing on the screen instead of actually take the call😅. I hate phone calls, even with my family and friends... When someone I'm dating calls me, often I don't reply and call back when I feel like doing it, when I actually do it. 

22 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I was at work so I couldn't listen to it right after he sent it. By the time I could listen to it, I had this accident scenario in my head and was nervous about it. I'm not sure what's so unusual about my reaction.

You said your reaction was a bit silly...  

23 hours ago, kim42 said:

I feel silly now that I was nervous to listen to it.

I think you were nervous because you have developed strong feelings for him. ^^

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I know you're trying to help and I don't want to sound rude but I didn't ask how to stop interacting with him

Don’t worry, you are not being rude. I wasn’t telling you how to stop interacting with him, but rather why (sorry again). And I wasn’t specifically talking about the guys you met last year, but about the one that you might meet soon if you give yourself a chance to be 100% emotionally available for him. 

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I enjoy talking to him and learning things about myself.

What exactly are you learning about yourself? 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You enjoy his friendship and interaction and whatever it is you have and that's fine. No harm. Please don't send a rude "breakup" text about "when you get a job, contact me, good luck".   No reason to be that mean to anyone for any reason..

It’s not mean to wish someone good luck and the best. But I do think people need to set better boundaries based on their expectations or what they want for their lives. If you are attracted to someone and wish for something more but the OP cannot meet you there, then you distance yourself, it’s common sense. 

In this case, I don’t think it’s a friendship (friends don’t kiss each other), so I don’t see any harm in deciding to distance if it doesn’t lead anywhere for the moment. Man, If I had to remain friendly with every emotionally unavailable guys I’ve dated, I would be on the phone 24/7. At some point, you decide what’s best for you and just take some distance to move on and find someone ready and that has the same desires as you.

I had to clarify, but I will leave it at that.   

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anyway, I do have a different observation about the whole case. Kim, I think not conneting with anyone in real life is in part because you have a 20 pages thread about some other guy. Who still doesnt want to come to see you while you saw him twice(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh he doesnt have a job, I had a job there excuse). And all this texting/sending voice mails doesnt really do you any favor in that department. I am sorry, but at one point you would have to let this go completely. And focus on something actually feasible to make a romantic relationship. 

I totally agree with all that's been said by @Kwothe28

I think in your case, the wisest thing to do would be to send him a text like: 

“I do enjoy our conversations and meeting last summer. But as you may know, I have a lot going on and often don’t have much time to respond to your texts. As I don’t want to left you on read, I suggest you hit me up if you wish to come visit me, and until then I wish you good luck to find your dream job. I hope everything turns out well for you.”

In my opinion, you are way to invested in this, and I do think that the connection you sense with this guy might prevent you from recognizing the right guy once he shows up. I think it’s time for you to move on Kim. This whole messages and texting isn't helping you in any way. 

Still, you don't cut him off completely: If he calls in six months when he gets a job and wants to come see you, if you are still single, then great. If he never calls, then you will have saved 6 month of your life and maybe overcome your attraction for him and met another great guy.

I’m afraid this situation will drag on indefinitely… Think about it. 

Just now, Batya33 said:

I also wouldn’t assume he’s lazy. My opinion is wanting to talk to someone is more personal than typing. 

I do send voice messages when I’m in a hurry and don’t have the time to type long texts, I send them when I’m in my car most of the time, when I have some time to reply… when a guy asks me to send a voice message so that he can hear my voice, or when he calls me, it’s more meaningful to me. Also I do enjoy it when guys take the time to write long texts with paragraphs… I’m not a voice message fan.. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

it shows he wants you to hear his voice -

These are just assumptions. Unless he says “I want to hear your voice” this shift isn’t something to read into… 

36 minutes ago, kim42 said:

What do you guys think? Is it laziness that he switched to voice messages? 

I do think it could be laziness. Men often don’t like typing all these damn words. I would have been more enthusiastic if he had called you instead… 

A man being jealous doesn’t necessarily mean he has feelings for a woman. He can show a possessive side just because he is a man driven by his testosterone and wants to have them all for himself… (which apparently he does) drop this one… 

15 hours ago, Imlovelyyy said:

he asked me out on a proper date but because of my schedule I unfortunately forced him to have to reschedule the date. He rescheduled but what he rescheduled no longer seemed like a date.

Usually, when someone asks you out on a date and you have to reschedule, YOU should propose another time and place... Its not on the other person to do it IMO 

15 hours ago, Imlovelyyy said:

What worries me is he still hasn’t rescheduled an actual real date, like when he originally asked me on a proper date.

Maybe he thought you weren't that interested as you didn't reschedule it... 

But anyway, I agree with others, he dosent seem to be boyfriend material... 

42 minutes ago, Thatgirlie said:

He doesn’t want anything serious with me at the moment

If you want a serious relationship, you better leave that guy alone. He isn’t for you. Always believe men when they say they don’t want anything serious. 

1 hour ago, Thatgirlie said:

I have the opportunity to go and I could see him there which may make him jealous. I want him to come and speak to me as he won’t respond to my messages on social media which is why I wanna go. What should I do regarding this whole situation with him?

Why would you do that? This isn’t going to change anything… he doesn’t seem into you… sorry for you 

I know it’s not easy.
My kid slept early tonight, so I took some time for myself and watched Jane Eyre (I read the book several times and saw all the adaptations) 

Do you know the scene where they mention the string from the chest? When you feel so strongly for someone… Every time I watch this movie, it reveals so many things about who is important to me… and the truth is theres always this special person coming to my mind… I don’t know if you feel the same, but I just wanted to share this as I thought it might resonate with you. Have a lovely night 💫

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'm not a big fan of heavy flirting over text if a man is not my boyfriend yet because I had bad experience with it - it would usually turn into sexting or the guy would ask for pictures, and I really don't want to go down this road with him. I like that he's a gentlemen.

I totally agree with the heavy flirty thing or men coming on too strong. Not a fan either. And it would definitely be inappropriate from his part In my opinion. 

However, I was referring to flirting in a way of showing that there’s some level of attraction or interest. Like complimenting and making OP feel special about something... this kind of exchanges you can have with a person you are interested in.

Since you’ve known each other for some time and kissed, I guess he got the hint that you don’t view him as a friend. So it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to gauge your interest level in a suggestive way or say something about that kiss (which I guess wasn’t nothing….)

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

As for other dates, for now just basic coffee/cocktail dates that didn't lead anywhere. Usually there is no spark on my end, or we have little in common. It's not always easy to not compare but I've been doing my best to avoid it.

It's good you still want to plan dates even if they don't lead anywhere. Me, when I have a  crush on someone, I’m not capable of going on a date with another guy and appreciate him. That’s why I always try to overcome my crushes before dating again. otherwise I know its a complete loss of time. 😅

Sorry he got rejected for the job. I know some fields are very specific. I have always been working in art galleries and when I left my previous one I knew it would take some time to find another perfect job. That’s the reason why I worked for 18 months in a basic job I really didn’t like while improving my knowledge through online courses, until I found my new art gallery. It took some time and I knew I wouldn’t find something so easily so I hope it will turn out good for him.

It's good he is keeping in touch and being friendly with you. Do you sometimes flirt over text? Did he ever mentioned the kiss you exchanged, or does he compliment you in a flirty way? 

And how about your dates? Are capable of meeting other guys without comparing them to him?

2 minutes ago, Amandatorimeating said:

I decided to go and give it a chance. 

What is it that makes you attracted to him? Is he good looking? 

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That is exactly what I am talking about!  Like EXACTLY.  You don't like a behavior, you walk!

I do walk. But as I wrote above, OP didn’t, so I’m trying to adjust to how she operates and recommended she addressed it. 

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

There is no way I would go out with a man again that after we were intimate for the first time, disappeared for a week. What standard are you communicating exactly?

I totally agree, and I wouldn’t have gone either. But since OP decided to go, the least she can do is address his silence… 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why did you cherry pick my post with just that one comment about saving discussions for when you're an established couple? I mean if you're going quote me, please quote my entire post for proper context.

I quoted this section because I think people don’t have to wait to be in an established couple to have these discussions. She knows him for one month now and noticed something that made he feel uncomfortable. Why wait until being a couple to speak up. It’s in the dating stage that compatibility/values are being examined. If you act like you are ok with someone’s inconsistency in communication in early stage, but once in a committed relationship you bring that up as an issue, how do you think the guy will react. He will think to himself well I didn’t sign up for this. So better be clear since the beginning about what is important for you and what you aim for. 

This whole concept of having fun, being easy and enjoy the process, fake it till you make, is just not authentic or being true about what we really seek for in a relationship. 

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Relax and enjoy.  Save such discussions for after you become an established couple. 

I guess we should all stop being so authentic and just play the game…  Sorry but I just don’t get it. You will wait two/three month, observing that person to find out that the only thing you did was jumping to conclusions because you didn’t have the nerve to speak out… Great… so be it…