starfly82

I think you are absolutely right. I need to sit down and talk to her, face to face, and figure things out.

Thank you all for the imput into my situation. It is much appreciated. I think a lot has gone on for C and I since I first posted. For one we had 2 very serious arguments. The content of them all centered around me and all of the bad habits that I bring into the relationship. I have some anger issues, I'm a bit codependant, I lack self confidence/esteem, I'm not communicating, I lie. All of these things are true. It was almost like an ultimatum argument. I recognize that all of these behaviors are potentially going to sabotage our relationship. I told her that I wanted to change this behavior not just for her and our relationship, but for my mental and physical well being. I need to do it for me. I wrote her an email last night telling her that I needed some space to figure things out and that I am doing this to not shut her out, but to help let her in. She interpreted that as me wanting to break up with her, which was not what I was doing. She is, as well as I am, going through a transitioning period in her life. She has a problem with being settled in one place for to long. She has been in this state for two years now and she is beginning to get antsy. She is also at a crossroads with her career as well. She has to decide if wants to stay wth the job she has or explore the new possible jobs in front of her (which could mean relocation) I feel like because of all of my crap that could not be there in a way that she needed me to support her, so I suggested that maybe she needed space from me as well to help her figure things out. In other words I felt that I was contributing to all the stress she has in her life. And then there is her ex-fiance, which she never likes to talk about with me. Why? Because I suspect that she still has feelings for her, even after 4 years. I went to C's apartment one day (she was expecting me) and when I arrived I found an envelope with writing all over it. I know I probably shouldn't have read it but I did. She mentioned her ex, V, and how when she visions happiness she sees herself being with V in Greece (which is where V is from). She wrote that she starts to run away when she sees the happiness "far away", and she mentions that as time goes by that vision fades, but that it is still there. How she feels empty without her. That it rips her insides out, and she askes if there is a cure, and questions whether or not she even wants that feeling to go away. As I was reading it my heart was completely shattered. When she got home I was sitting on the floor next to the table where the piece of paper with the writing on it was. I lead on like I had never even read it. She then just tossed in on a pile of papers, hiding it from me. This was all quite a few weeks ago, and it has been eating at me ever since, and I don't know what to do. In the email I wrote her I asked if when she thought of being happy with someone if she saw my face, or someone elses, or no ones face at all. I asked her if she was with me because she wanted to be in a caring, loving, and comitted relationship, or if she was with me because of the compassion she has for me (compassion being something she feels she has for many other people, one of her virtues). When we talked today (because I sent the email last night) she didn't say anything about the things I asked her. She centered things on me, kept thinking I wanted to break up with her. She doesn't want the attention on her..and everytime I try she gets all on the defense and turns it into somekind of problem with me and the way I am acting. I just don't know what to do, but I know that I cannot compete with the feelings that she obviously still has for V. I just want to call her out on it, I want to hear it from her. But I am afraid. I love this woman even through all of this. I would do anything for her. But I cannot be with her if she is only with me because she pittys me and wants to help, or to just fill a void, just to be someone to have sex with. I don't want to be with her if all she does is think about being with someone else that she may never be able to have. It is truly coming to a point where I cannot sleep. I have no appitite, and my stomach is always upset. I am so desprite for advice. Anything anyone has to offer, good or bad, please offer it to me. thanks for bearing with me. L

I am going to try and keep this as short as I can...try being the key word. I have been with my g/f C for 9 months. Things in the beginning were great...perhaps we were just in the "honeymoon" stage of things. Right from the beginning, however C struggled with the thought of commitment (she had previously been in a polytype relationship). She commited to me, meaning that I would be the only one she would date, have sex with, ect... This has been my first long term relationship, me being 23. C has been in several relationships, and was once engaged, she being 31. We live about an hour away from one another, so I travel on weekends so we can spend time with one another..which I think works well for us. She works at the college I will be attending in the fall which means we will be living in the same town. She feels, however that some of the decisions that I have made in the not so distant past have been becaue of her....like going to school where she works just to be close to her, or buying the new car I bought just because she liked it. She feels that if I am unsucessful at school, or the car I bought turns into a piece of * * * *, that I will blame it on her. She says she feels so much pressure from it. Another problem is that she thinks that I think into the future too much and that I make such a big deal when it comes to our month "anniversaries". I guess I do like to look into the future and think of her in it...but I guess it is hard for her to do the same....she wants to enjoy the "here and now" with me, take it as it comes I suppose. Just makes me wonder if she even thinks of me being in her future She also has a hard time saying that she loves me...she says she does, but she struggles to utter the phrase. She says that she has said it when it meant nothing, or lost it's meaning and has been hurt, and she has said when it did mean something and has been hurt. So she just doesn't say it to me at all. I don't know, maybe she has some unresolved feeling from her past relationships....I don't know, but it just truly puzzles me...maybe it shouldn't bother me...because they are only words....but it does. She made me promise not to "settle" with her because of me thinking that I wouldn't be able to be with someone or find someone else. It all just makes me think that she has no thought of us staying together...that she thinks we are going to break up...it being only a matter of time. I fell for her hard, and I tend to wear my heart on my sleave, and with her it is the opposite. Shes guarded, said she has only been in love once, and that was with her ex-fiance V (and that relationship ended because she was afraid of the commitment, and couldn't go through with being married) so she told me anyway. So she ran from it. Maybe deep down C is still in love with V. (V lives overseas)Which is maybe why she has such problems with seeing me in her future, and expressing her love (if there truly is any) for me. I am in such agony over this and I don't know what to do. I am in love with this woman, but it pains me to know that she isn't in love with me or at least it doesn't feel like it.....will it come over time? I don't know. Should I just go with the flow and let things work themselves out. Should I try and talk to to C about her possibly still having feelings for V or maybe someone else...I just don't want to keep putting the effort into this relationship if she is dreaming of being with someone else....I could just really use some advice...so if any of you have any to offer i would so greatly appreciate it, and if not I thank you for taking the time to read about my problem. L

well I called her yesterday and her aunt had answered her cell phone which meant that she was home. She was in the shower when I called and told her aunt to tell me that she would call me back. She never did. I left a message on her voice mail. I said that I thought that she was avoiding me and that if she did not want anything to do with me the least she could do was call me and tell me. I also said that if I did not here from her then I would know where she stood and get her "message" loud and clear. She never did call me back. So here I am completely heart broken not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like such a fool. I feel used and cheated. She is such a coward. I guess all I have left to do now is suck it up and move on. Apparently it was not meant to be in the first place. Just thought I would update.

I would like to thank you all for your responses and insight. Things that I did not mention is there is an age difference. She is 31 I am 23. She has been In the military for over 10 years. She was also the one that sort of pushed for the long distance relationship. I think at this point I going to have a little hope and a little faith and believe that she for some reason is not able to contact me, which is totally possible given her situation. I really don't believe that she is just going to blow me off with no explaination. I just don't think she would do that to me. So Im going to give it time a month or whatever and just see what happens. Im not ready to abandon all hope and just give it. I think that if she does want to end it then fine. I just want some sort of explaination for some kind of closure.

Back in January I met a woman at a bar. We hit it off pretty good and by the end of the night we were kissing in the bathroom. We agreed to meet at the bar again the next night. I found out that she was in the military and that she lived in another state. She was here visiting some friends of hers. With a good-bye kiss we agreed that we would keep in touch with one another. We talked on the phone and wrote each other email everday. Two weeks later she came back claiming that she was here to visit her friends (she was staying there) but I suspected that she was really here to see me. We ended up going out to dinner with another friend of hers. Later on we went back out to the bar. I had gotten really drunk. I ended up going back to where she was staying and we had sex. Good sex! We spent the next day together and she came back and stayed with me. When she went back home all she could talk about was wanting me to come down to where she lived to meet her friends and family. She also told me that she was going active duty and had to go away for training. So I went to see her before she had to leave. It was probably the best four days I have evr had. I met her friends and family. We went out and just had a good time. We took a drive and she showed me where she grew up. I felt that we had connected on so many levels. I guess I felt like I was falling in love. Then unfortunately I had to go back to the real world and she had to leave for training. We talked everday..for a while then she got busy and I got busy (with school) and eventually the calls stopped. When we would talk she would tell me that she cared for me and wanted to take care of me and how much she missed me. The feeling was mutual. I sent her letters and packages. This is why I don't understand why she has practically ceased all contact with me. Her training is over and she should be on her way home if she isn't already. I have called and left emails and no response. I don't get it. I don't know what I should do and feel like I am letting it consume me. I care very deeply for her even though we have been apart. If anyone has some advice or comments or anything it would be veryt greatly appreciated. Thanks for bearing with me. Starfly