maritalbliss86

On 2/27/2021 at 10:28 PM, Seraphim said:

I told her I would price it out and see if I could do it. But I’m taking a couple days to think rather than rushing into it. 

Did you end up doing the project?  I'm only just starting to kind of understand how I need to slow down and really think about things when I'm trying to offer help.  I can see how much it puts myself or our family at a disposition to put something else (outside) ahead of my usual things... but I didn't understand that even a year ago.  I'm more prone to doing too much in trying to help other people, and that backfiring in ways I didn't foresee.

Really strange how you can see things like this once you've gone through it enough.

On 2/27/2021 at 10:28 PM, Seraphim said:

I also work 12 hours a day

Wow, I didn't realize how long your day was (!!!!).  That is very hard!  I wonder if you could take this opportunity at the new place, to shorten your hours if possible!  You could still charge competitive rates for the area, but just work 7-8 hours instead.

For the woman who asked about the starfish crochet project, I would just apologize and tell her it was too complicated and would take too much time and that you have other projects.  Unless of course you want to put that one first 🤷‍♀️

9 hours ago, Seraphim said:

When he is on course he is just so hard to get Into any other headspace. I am sorry you are dealing with this too . Tomorrow he’s finished the second portion of his course and then on Monday starts the third portion. Then the third portion ends on June 11. 

Does he get breaks in between the courses, like a week off or something?  

Mine has to study until late May, which seems like a long ways off.  I'm weird though, I like to study with him, go through his material and mark out what seems important and even my mom is helping create study guides for him and flash cards, etc.  It's like an entire family thing undertaking.  

Usually my mom and dad would come and help me with the kids more during this time, but of course they can't.  They still haven't been able to get vaccinated yet.

Hope it goes fast for you.

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I am feeling pretty resentful and angry with his work right now. It is taking up endless endless time. And even when he is not working he is not mentally present . 

I feel you, Seraphim, my husband's going through an intense round of preparing for testing so he's staying a couple of extra hours a day, plus studying when here.  I don't know... I kind of enjoy the excitement in the air when he's doing this, but I can understand your frustration, too.

I'm sure it will get better ❤️  Hugs!!!

I know it sounds crazy, but I loved learning about asymptotes in college!!!  I loved how they could get closer and closer to an axis (something that is authentic), and yet never actually touch it!  Sooo close, and yet never able to pin it down! 

The infinity and eternal properties of it fascinated me, especially in regard to spirituality.  Math is so beautiful and profound!

That last post you did reminds me of the value of being underestimated  There is a lot of positive stuff that can come from people underestimating you.

I know it can be painful... and unfair... and all the negative things.  But it also has this potential to really bring forth positive outcomes as well.

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Good question. I believe that you SHOULD be critical of yourself, but I haven't really questioned WHY I feel that way. 

 

Just my opinion... being critical of yourself is good because it helps you correct things you may be doing wrong.  It stops self-destructive behaviors... it means you're open to other people seeing flaws and reasonably correcting them yourself.

Even bad criticism sometimes has an element of truth in it.  In general, looking at yourself critically or listening to good criticism, finding the truth in the bad/unhelpful criticism, all of that leads to a person becoming a better person overall. 

It leads to growth and growth is good and positive... it matures you and helps you handle things differently the next time.

Too much criticism can be destructive and harmful obviously, but most people know how to reject criticism that isn't founded in truth (unless it was part of their upbringing and they internalized it AS their truth!).

I think that would be totally normal not to remember much if you moved that much.  The teenage brain is going through a lot also, lots of hormone changes and needing a few hours more sleep than children or adults... because the teenage brain is already under stress from growing/changing so much in a short period of time.

So... you could see on top of those normal changes, if you moved a lot on top of that, your brain may have just not been able to hang on to all that stuff.

PLUS it takes sleep in order to organize your brain (send short term memory into long term memory).  You need hours of sleep consistently over a period of time to be able to do that, so that you can remember things.

If you weren't getting the best of sleep, that alone could have caused the short term memory things you were seeing each day, to not be moved into your long term memory.

On 2/17/2021 at 7:32 PM, sadchick83 said:

All kinds of respected men date/are married to women 25+ years younger. Maybe not 18 years old, but much younger.

A lot, and I mean a lot of the higher ups in my husband's career have made it work out much better the second time around, with women 15 to 20 years younger than them.  One of my husband's friends is actually 25 years older than his 2nd wife, and they are really happy.  But she's closer to my age.  It's interesting for sure, and no, I don't think older women pull that off as well.  

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I had a pretty sleepless night last night. It's funny, because at around 7PM, I felt exhausted. And after the day I'd just had, I wasn't surprised. I thought for sure I'd sleep like a rock. But my mind kept spinning, as often happens during times like this.

So, I got up and started posting around on here. When I was looking something up in my journal, I noticed this post from just over a week ago:

And it just drives home Arnold's point so much more. No wonder I've felt this way. Simon has truly been using my work ethic against me. Deliberately ignoring and minimizing the value of every extra effort, and every extra hour that I put in.

He's onto something there. Somebody like me always tries to solve problems. The harder the problem, the harder I try. I feel a great sense of satisfaction when I succeed--a solved problem is its own reward. I don't actually know what to do when I can't solve a problem...

As an adult, in a professional setting, I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I've been totally powerless to solve a problem. The feeling is not pleasant. It kicks me into a weird kind of overdrive. It makes me try harder and harder in this blind, desperate sort of way, like I have no brain, only reactions.

I bet that Simon thinks that I'm desperate for his approval. How bizarre. He truly does not respect me. 

I know that I do tend to want to overachieve, but it's not because I give half a fck about him or anybody else. It's because it's my hobby. I simply enjoy the feeling of success. If he thinks that he can cash in on my little compulsion, and lead me around by it as he would lead a bull by its nose, I'll just adjust my coping mechanism. I'm not a fcking bovine.

 

I know you're not Christian, but there's a Bible verse that literally warns not to, "cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them (the pearls) and then turn and tear you to pieces...."  With some people, I know it sounds awful, but they literally are not capable of appreciating something of value... like a pearl, or wise advice, or someone who works and solves things and is actually trying to help their company.  

When you cast your pearls before someone like that, a swine unfortunately as it's called, you're allowing them to harm you because you watch them trample your pearls under their feet (he doesn't care) and then they actually may turn and try to harm you.  When they demote your pay... that's turning everything around and harming you.

You responded perfectly to it.  Letting it go psychologically is basically the only way you can come out of this well and with more lessons learned I think.

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, they said I wasn't performing up to expectations.

 

It never ceases to amaze me that when one brings up valid concerns like you've had to do, that some people can turn it around and make you the problem.  

I thought I could see that being the way this would go down, but hoped it would go differently for you.  I'm so sorry Ugh!!  I think you did great and now they won't be able to say you left on a bad note.

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

My heart started pounding in my chest--This is where I want to crawl out of my skin! They don't understand that they live on Planet Earth, and that we work with physical reality on this planet. They DON'T UNDERSTAND!! You need headroom for a staircase so that people don't bash their brains in when they go upstairs and downstairs. The headroom has to come from somewhere. That means you can't have a shower on the second floor any more. Or your HVAC closet goes away.

"Just move the staircase," said the arrogant asshles.

It will come back to bite them in the butt.  Just try to manage until you can get outta there!

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Alan miscalculated a staircase solution and Kasey insists that I follow it.

Alan's at a point in his career where people don't question what he says. They don't want to think.

I'm emailing back and forth with them right now, trying to explain the situation with illustrations and calculations. I know that it's going to end in some chastisement that there's "too many emails flying around" and people need to pick up the phone. That's their go-to for everything.

Ugh that just sounds so frustrating.  Hilarious about your attitude though, I think that's a nice way to handle it... humor and distancing yourself.

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have nothing in common with a woman who ....

You have a lot in common, but just don't realize it I think.  Motherhood itself, all the efforts etc. should be enough to be able to find common ground.

I agree with so much of what you wrote!  I feel for single mothers, they get hit from ALL sides of the equation.

But put your emotions aside for a second and understand what happens when they receive tons of benefits solely contingent on not having a father for those children around.  

The government stepping in, and offering help ONLY if no man (father) is there for those kids, it creates a dynamic where those women are MUCH much more incentivized to break up their marriages or LTR partner, because they literally receive sometimes more money by doing that.  I knew a woman who worked in the food stamps office all her career, and she saw this firsthand!  They literally drop you like a hot potato if you have even a stable LTR (not just a marriage)!!!   It encourages these single moms to keep plugging away on their own, self-sabotaging their efforts to ever have a good, healthy strong LTR where the man can take care of their family. 

To me that's insane that the government steps in, and makes men look somewhat worthless to those women... or at least not worth keeping around for a long time and making their relationships work out.  She literally gets financially penalized for having a good healthy relationship with a male!!!  Ugh!

Then... when you really really look at the statistics of what happens to kids in single mother households... UGH!  That's where it does get to my emotions.  They are far more likely to die from abuse (usually it's a boyfriend or step-father).  Studies also show that the single mothers are often so stressed and pressed on all side that they are more prone to abuse drugs or alcohol to try to cope, and they are more prone to abuse their own kids than married mothers.  

Then you look at the statistics of those kids' futures and it gets pretty bad statistically.  Growing up without a kind, loving, strong father figure messes kids up, it just does.  It affects all kids differently, but the trends are that the boys end up having a strong chance of getting into trouble with the law and the girls have a strong chance of thinking of sex and relationships and men in ways that are destructive long-term.

The take away from all of that for me is that it's crucial for society to care about marriages... to care about making marriages easier, better, etc. because that's where children (our future) thrive the most.  They thrive the most inside strong, healthy, happy marriages.  

And in my opinion, it would nice if society would realize being a mother is worth a lot more, BUT I don't feel like I have ever needed that recognition.  I've never felt resentful that society didn't, "appreciate," my efforts more.  My efforts are basically their own reward.  I see them everyday, and that's enough... it's more than enough!

22 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Life will be more fair when men can have a baby come out their member and stay home for 30 years. 

😂 I'm SO curious as to where on earth this came from!?!?  LOL  

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

How can you ever tell ahead of time that it's not going to be a good fit? You really can't.

People are good a putting on an act to get what they want.  Many (perhaps most) times, they even believe their own act (they're not all sociopaths). 

You kind of have to wade into each situation a bit to find out. Pay your pound of flesh up front.

Yea... I would add to maybe keep your options open (like you've done) and don't get too committed until they've proven themselves to be normal, maybe past the year mark.  Just like dating.

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I feel like I'm going crazy; I'm not kidding. I took a mental health day for the rest of the day today, and I may just be sick again tomorrow!

I don't understand how people like that don't go a little crazy themselves... I wonder if they believe their lies....  

On 2/10/2021 at 6:06 AM, Jibralta said:

It probably feels weird, but I think it is better to be assertive with bullish people--that's what they (we) understand and respond to. It's not meant to be cold-hearted. It's just meant to accomplish goals efficiently.

 

I think you're right on this, you can certainly be assertive and not, "rude," just try to point out the facts.  Thing is, some people don't care and it only makes them angrier.  If a person isn't afraid of being fired then that's fine, if they want to survive longer for some kind of goal they're trying to reach, they are jeopardizing that by being upfront and assertive.  I'm not sure how I'd handle this now... but in the past I was kind but assertive.  It didn't work (LOL) but it did feel good at the time. 

I was extremely good at my job... I had several other people in the same and different departments that worked with my boss exclaim my work/work ethic was becoming so important to him (and doing so much great stuff FOR him) that my job was going to be so secure.  But when you work with someone a little nutty, your job really isn't secure, unless you stop caring in a way and drop all the tries to get them to be ethical etc.

On 2/10/2021 at 6:06 AM, Jibralta said:

That passive-aggressive stuff that you described is another matter altogether. That is cold-hearted. And sneaky. I think that being assertive could help you out there, as well. But those situations are always tricky and require finesse, so your sensitivity to manners will also be an asset to you.

Yes, I agree, passive-aggressive stuff IS cold-hearted.  And keep in mind they may be being nice to your face (because they've understood now you stand up for yourself) and then talking bad about you behind your back... and to your main boss at that.  That's how low passive aggressive people go.  The lady Jilbralta mentioned that she works under sounds like she'd do this.  

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I get you I am just WREAKED after a day with the kids. I just can’t do a thing and need to sleep to even survive. 

Maybe with this new change and move coming you could find something else ❤️ !!!  Seriously, something that's easier on you.

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Refereeing a complete toddler war today including throwing cars and big toys at each other’s faces and across the room today. One at nap time decided to try and make himself naked . 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Don't worry about responding, I know you have your hands full!  Sounds like a Baby War Zone... we've had a few of those from time to time. 

Always entertaining and terrifying. 

Like we've created an army of little people, and they're taking over!  AHHHHhhhh!!!!!

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Birds in Denver eat nuts.🥜🦆

GENES 🧬

Giraffes Entering New Endangered Species 😬🦒

SLEEP 😴 💤 🛌

Blue Orchids Obfuscate Their Sultans. 💜👳‍♂️

CHICK🐥

On 2/5/2021 at 3:58 PM, Seraphim said:

When he got a little older if you changed seasons and had to change to different clothes he would have a total nervous break down and either try and pull up sleeves or down sleeves or pull down pant legs or pull them up depending on the season . If you bought him new shoes he had to have the old ones or he would scream the entire store down. He didn’t play with other kids. 

We've been through this!!!!  For a LONG time I could not get him to wear pants, which was a huge deal when it was freezing cold weather.  But thankfully we don't have bad winters for the most part.  But he would scream and freak out about even just my trying to get him to wear pants.  It was so different, and made me very sad/worried/freaked out myself.

Your description of how your son was at school... ours has a really laid back environment here, and I really only just started his, "proper," schooling this past August for kinder, but from ages 3-5 I did see him sometimes at Sunday school, become extremely anxious and withdrawn.  He also had a speech issue where no one could really understand him back then, so he'd have a meltdown in the Sunday school class, but I started staying with him and became a Teacher's Helper, and that really helped.

But that was only 1 hour once a week!  I can only imagine the trauma he'd go through if he was trying to do school 8 hours 5 days a week... or daycare, etc.  Watching how he didn't enjoy Sunday school class, and couldn't seem to relate to any of this kids... I don't believe school would have been an easy thing.  He didn't seem to bond with any of his teachers until recently... and I could tell he would get so overwhelmed, to the point of tears, and not be able to get help from anyone really.  Very hard to watch.

But he's a lot better now... but we've also done a lot of things to slowly ease him into environments and be there to teach him what things may mean.  Like at a playground when he was almost 5, he got extremely upset... to the point of almost having a meltdown, because he said some other small kid looked at him in a bad way!  But the kid was out there playing and having fun... it took a LONNNNG time to get him to kind of understand that it's ok if kids look at you weird, you just have to keep playing (and that the kid himself was already playing and having fun).  Strange things like that seem hard for him to really comprehend and navigate around in his mind.  I don't know... 

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

My grandmother was very proud of her skin. She used to say to me, "Look how nice my skin is. It's because I use vaseline." Years later, when I was in my 30s, I tried it out.

I had been breaking out a little around my chin, but my skin was also dry. I didn't want to use any of those harsh acne products. I remembered my grandmother, and thought, "What the hell!" and covered my face in vaseline. I worried that my whole face would explode into an acne minefield, but that didn't happen. It actually calmed that area of my skin and the acne went away. Turns out straight oil is actually good for my skin! These days, I use coconut oil instead of vaseline. 

This makes sense... Sometimes if I need to, I use Aquaphor over my skin products at night.  I've noticed it actually helps them absorb for longer, and have a more powerful effect (very clear, unlined skin for days) than if I didn't seal the products in with something before sleep.

My grandmother also used something very simple... Ponds cream which was invented in 1846 !!!!  When she passed away, she actually left a bottle of it for us girls (me and my two older cousins) and I ended up getting it somehow ... I guess they didn't want it LOL.  And I actually used it as a teenager after she passed, and was like, "Wow!  This stuff really works almost just as good as my dermatologist stuff does!"

Weird that the basic things are really sometimes all we need.