maritalbliss86

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Either I am just oh so wise or he is really immature hahahahaaaaaa sorry darling!

Ugh!!! We are the same way!!!  I think I'm the immature one, though, he is a lot more level-headed, and a strong, kind-of silent type lol.  He's an introvert, but he loves to talk and socialize.

I wish I could explain more of the science stuff to you, I just don't feel like I know enough personally about this specific virus (because I haven't gotten to literally study and research it myself in a lab).  And the research is very limited to what is allowed to be said.  I know what I've read, I know what the studies have shown (they did one ridiculous study so fast just to try to, "prove," something that it doesn't and should not count, but ignorant people rely on it).  That kind of thing, I just don't know how much is appropriate to say... or I don't know what exactly to say.

I worked with an amazing man (lots of sweet, amazing people), and he is up at MIT and very great at what he does... his lab has found cures for specific things, been in the news several times, anyway... he's brilliant.  And he made a statement about this virus early on, but got into a lot of trouble for it.  The honest people are not really allowed to voice their opinions, without severe repercussions.  And I'm so sorry for saying this, but a lot of people are just not knowledgeable at all, so they're believing stuff that is proving not to be true.  Our liberties are being taken away for something it shouldn't be.  This is not comparable to the Black Plague in any way imaginable, it just isn't, but there is a huge push to make non-scientific people believe it is.  I've never seen anything like this, and I worked in a lab like the Wu-han one... there are only so many of those in the world, so they all know about each other.  There is a lot I probably can't say about that connection, but most people in the science field quietly believe certain things that are not, "accepted," as true by people who have no idea what they're even talking about.  I'm sorry to sound so odd and vague.

There's other stuff going on economically that is concerning, too.  Ugh... it is depressing and not a fun topic.

Edited to add... this is also playing into humanity's worst characteristic... Virtue Signaling.  The whole, "I'm better because I'm saving the world by wearing my stupid (proven to be useless) mask! Take that!"  There is a certain kind of person who absolutely gets off on that high-horse, virtue signaling feeling.  They loooovvve looking down on their relatives they think are so, "ignorant."  Or they worry about them sincerely (those are nice people LOL).  But the ones who are arrogant, they absolutely are loving this mask thing.  It is an outward display that they are virtuous a-holes.

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

but there just is something about growing, raising and loving a baby into a toddler and then I don't have a clue about the next bits but, it almost needs a witness

I get almost all my advice from older women who are friends (I call them mentors, they really seem to guide me through life), I've had several, one moved away *tear* but the one I have now I've known for years and years and she always gives me the best advice.

And she's lived it all, so she can see it from the other side and I think you need that perspective.  It's very trustworthy advice, when you can see someone succeeded at what you want, and they can help you be able to get there.

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I would like to call myself fairly realistic, quite street wise and not absolutely stupid but I honestly had no idea.

Yes!  I was the same way.  I'd never been around babies or toddlers before having my own, so it was hard in that way, but I also didn't struggle with the same problems most moms seem to have for some reason.  

They seem to have a lot of discontentment?  From what I've observed.  Just general discontentment... with their life, with their kids (some even hate their own kids!!!), with their husbands, and all they do is complain complain complain.   

I'm not like that about my life.  I do complain (here) about my poor in-laws, but I love my kids and being their mom, I love my husband and we've never lost that spark in almost 14 years.

How crazy we've both been with our husbands that long 😮  That's kinda weird LOL

We got married super young, mostly religiously driven (can't have sex outside of marriage, so we married ASAP LOL).  I'm probably too religious for you   I come from a very religious, yet carefree and eccentric background.  I definitely believe in a soul ❤️ there's just so much scientific evidence to prove very odd spiritual things for me not to believe. 🙂

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Full of self pity and ridiculous none problems and part of me fills to the brim with depression after speed reading through a few older posts and I just sink at the thought - I haven't changed.

😂 Oh I completely feel the same way!!!!  I annoy my own self!!!!!!  A lot!!!!  And I really wonder if I've actually learned anything.  It is so horrible.  Most of my journal is just whining constantly about my poor husband's parents, who I actually do like (most of the time).  But it is full of self-pity and useless stuff.  Ugh so awful.  If I had to give myself a grade or something, it'd be a solid F !!!

But it's nice to have somewhere to complain and whine LOL.  

And I've researched into Elon Musk... apparently he used to be an alien 👽.  So of COURSE he finds time for everything and being a genius at the same time. Ugh!

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I must apologise for being so so rude and not replying but still having read your comment.

Not rude at all!  I knew you were probably insanely busy and I didn't mind.  Just wanted to say something about it.

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

What brains it is obvious that you have there! Nice brains hahahahaha no honestly, I am bowing down to your reply.

😂 Oh Believe me, I am not that smart!  I have a lot more questions than answers, on a lot of things  I almost believed everything at first because a very prominent scientist I respected gave a very convincing and strange prediction of how things would go.  He ended up being wrong, like drastically wrong on his prediction, but even before that, there was so much I couldn't believe with how it was being handled here (where I live).  The CDC made a lot of very very bad decisions, tricked our city into accepting hundreds of viral positive people under the guise of using a prominent military hospital to care for them (that had more than enough room).  They then refused to abide by where they agreed to send them, instead sending them to a place extremely run down base, water was dripping into the people's rooms, and they were stuck there for weeks, in mildew and moldly conditions.  Then, to make matters worse, because the place they sent them to (unauthorized!!) didn't have the medical care necessary for that many people, they then released them (still positive) to all of our different hospitals, infecting that many more innocent people. 

I had to give birth, knowing there were positive people in the same hospital.  

It was such a scandal, so obviously intentional or horrendously reckless, our city was forced to sue the CDC (the suit included other things as well... like they were secretly planning to release the positive patients - 100's of them - inside one of our most popular malls... without warning anyone about it, and gave them all gift cards to eat at the Cheesecake factory there).  It really did look absolutely intentional.  They wanted as many people to get it as possible.

All of this was in the news finally in our city once it was released they were officially suing them.  But finally with the suit, they were forced to release the people directly onto planes leaving.  

The damage was still done here, though.  So many in the hospitals were infected, doctors, nurses, patients (through interacting with the nurses and doctors) it was a horrible mess and caused a lot of death of the elderly or infirm.  Just like the nursing home scandals in other places, only this was all our regular hospitals.  You can imagine the explosion of everyone getting it, the numbers skyrocketing, then the fear and the use of that to lock us down.  It seemed so deliberate, especially when it was leaked of their plans to release them into our most popular mall.  

Thank God our city forced them to back down, but still, so much suffering, loss of lives of the elderly and sick, small businesses, so many, forced to close permanently 😞 ugh!  It was very effective in damaging us and wiping out many aspects of society (the elderly, the poor, the economy, the small business owners' losing so much, etc.).  Then the riots started and many of the small business owners who had tried to keep going, lost almost everything over again in the riot destruction.  

Bleh!  I'm sick of it.  We've been planning an exit and just trying to figure out where, possibly out of the country at some point.

43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The past few nights I've been kept awake by a barking dog.  The dog barks non stop for literally hours.  I go back and forth between being annoyed at being kept awake and pity for the poor dog.

Wow!  If it's just left in the yard or something and the neighbors don't care, I think they make dog whistles that can help with that... but you'd have to research it.  Think they're called silencers or something.

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

The stupid thing is, maybe writing would've really helped me during that very strange, very sad time

Don't feel bad.  I seriously took almost a 10 year break from writing anything here.  It is a really hard time period when our kids are this young.  I feel like I know exactly where you are, even though I'm sure you have different things you're dealing with, too.  

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

D is away on business, seven nights seven days.

I think 3 days in it's just dawning on me that I feel lonely.

That is so hard!  You really are in this timeframe that is just really unfortunate, where you have the kids, the pregnancies, and your husband is working SO hard... I'm kind of on the end of that, it's almost over for me and I can clearly see the end in sight now.  

But I remember standing in the kitchen with my husband, us both holding each other in dismay, after like 11 diarrhea poopy diapers in a short amount of time, from MULTIPLE kids at that, and we were just like "AHHHHHHHhhhhhh!  Only 7 more years of this!!!!!!!"

It goes by extremely fast.  Yet the days themselves can feel way too long.

But it DOES get better.  I've seen proof of it, and I've had so many moms with older kids assure me it does once that youngest is about 4 and potty trained.  You won't believe how nice it's supposed to get (barring illness or special needs things of course!).

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Maybe I am going through a mid life crisis and my past annoying behaviour was a quarter life crisis

😂 It is kind of like a life crisis when your kids are little and you're pregnant off and on, and your husband is working so much.  It VERY MUCH feels like a kind of crisis.  And that's totally ok.  It's ok to feel nutty or lonely or like this is never-ending or too much etc.

Just try to bond with your husband when you can, hopefully the business trips aren't too often, or hopefully he can do something that will eventually give him a better schedule. 

I'm not sure how long you've been married, but it gets dramatically easier after a certain point.  You just have to make sure you both communicate about needs and feelings... don't let any resentment sink in, try to deal with it and process those things with each other in a gentle way.  Have lots of sex LOL  Seriously... sex is always a good idea!  And try to make time for yourself!

I haven't seen East4 around recently, but she's our resident Eastern European woman who chimes in with great advice about dating from time to time.  I think she could help you avoid certain pitfalls and personality types you'd clash with from that area. 

Latin women have pros and cons, but you sound like you'd prefer their culture, which if you know more about it, that would probably be easier than Eastern European culture.  Those two are very different, and even then, each country has its own subculture that is pretty different.

I've always read that the best way to marry a foreign woman is to literally move there, make an effort to get involved with their culture and family, but I realize that may not be possible for you.

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

They won’t be able to do online school because they will be here.

That's probably a good thing for you, it sounds extremely intense and unpleasant for a lot of kids.  Some love it though.  But it'd be something you'd have to supervise.

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

And realistically speaking I can’t see her doing anything with them when she gets home but they’re her kids. She’s not motivated enough to do that. 

Ugh 😞 that's awful!  All these kids' having the educations almost ruined... really sucks.

That's great, Seraphim.

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

She said I won’t need to homeschool she will do that when she gets home if her boss will let her out at three or 4 o’clock

That's the great thing about homeschooling, we know families who do it in the evening instead of the morning.  It is incredibly versatile and can work around both parents' schedules ❤️ 

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I hope so too. The day of our dad’s funeral he quit his job and started his own company and apparently he is racking it in hand over fist. 

Congrats on his success!  That's great 😍

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Then they broke up for a few weeks last month but now they are back together again. He’s terrified to commit to another human being, ever. I think over the 20 years of his marriage he was just so traumatized I’m not sure how he’s going to get over it. 

It seems like, in my experience, that is very normal.

46 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yay! My brother is FINALLY going to divorce his ex hag. 

LOL... I thought he was already divorced?  Maybe it was just separated?

I was replying/asking catfeeder, I generally love her advice and unfortunately, share your problem of having had a job like this (where I was fired yet loved by quality control) with a boss much worse than yours,and it's tempting to get validation on my own story, so I was literally asking for myself. It's ironic my asking is trying to get that validation in a way lol... I'm incurable!

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Censorship, exactly. 

It's the new Cancel Culture.  

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

While I agree with this, I'd stop telling the story. Don't feed the beast. It would have sufficed to say, "Covid impacts on the business."

 

Yes, that's why it's generally safer to divulge all this stuff and get that psychological confirmation with a therapist, right?  Protection and privacy.

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

After a brief pause, my accountant said, "Congratulations. You're an ethical person."

I was like, "Thank you!"

I felt such a sense of gratitude that he said that--I don't think anyone has actually verbalized it back to me in that way. It felt good. 

It is really nice to receive validation from others, even strangers when they hear your story, that you did the right thing.  Most people who care really want to know that, even if they already know that deep down.  The outside validation gives one psychological relief.

Quote

 Part of me feels compelled to lie about it. Simon is so vindictive--I don't want him knowing where I'm going and trying to ruin it! On the other hand, my coworkers would probably be a little miffed if they found out that I lied to them.

There's always the possibility that Simon will fly into a rage and fire me outright! I think that would be a great outcome, actually. Two week vacation!

It really isn't their business, you can politely decline to let them know where, like Catfeeder said.

I think it is a real risk he'd fire you outright, but that would actually be better more than likely than working under him another 2 weeks with his potential attitude, etc.

21 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I think I am just irritated with a culture that states you need to be shut up or erased if you don’t believe everything I do. 

Unfortunately, I think the censorship is going to get worse.  Communist Russia silenced Christians (or believers of different faiths) by killing them, or imprisoning them for years to decades. 

That's the natural progression of what censorship does, eventually it's punishable by imprisonment or death.

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

True, death is not the end of the journey. I am just realizing middle age brings a lot of realizations that life is not always what we think it is. Just living this long brings a bird’s eye advantage to some things. 

I think there is a real danger when you get to middle age, from what my mentor and a couple of other people I know have said, to look back on life and feel jaded or depressed or like none of it mattered anyway.  It's a real thing.  It is very easy to start out well, but it's actually hard to end life well.

This was from my sweet mentor... it's hard in middle age not to become bitter or tempted to drift away from thinking God is good.  You see so much by that time that just makes you feel life isn't worth it, or that there is no point.  Ironically, I think Christians have it harder, because they actually care about doing good to others (who aren't good to them), so the atheist or otherwise non-religious person who lives solely for themselves, they can sometimes go happily into middle age not caring at all about people they probably should care more about.  They don't care and block themselves off from that pain or suffering, and so they actually are happier looking out only for themselves.  The Christian can't really and truly live like that, it isn't in line with their belief system.  They can block themselves off from people who have rejected them (we're on that journey) and eventually find peace living life as if they don't exist (I can't wait for that part LOL), but there will always be that temptation as one ages to feel bitterness or resentment over things like that for the Christian.  When you love and are rejected a lot, you will be tempted to resentment.  You can overcome it, but I think that temptation can get harder as one ages, according to my mentor, and depending on your current life situation.

I think the hedonistic non-religious pay for their rejection of people, caring etc. in other ways than becoming bitter and jaded in old age... and what I mean by that is I think they never know the absolute joy of getting to minister to others and seeing it pay off in some lives, because they aren't putting themselves out there helping the poor, the widow, the destitute.  If they did that in their youth, they stopped because they found it wasn't really helpful or beneficial to themselves long-term... it only took from them, which living life in a hedonistic way, tells them is not right, they need to look out for themselves more.  Their past giving of themselves only increased their feelings of not being able to really help stop pain in the world.  Instead of realizing that will never be possible, there will always be pain and suffering in this world, they internalize that feeling of helplessness and put a stop to their caring of others so much (and pay a heavy price later on).

So by middle age, they try not to care anymore about anyone like that.  They know they can't really stop all the pain in the world, and so they literally give up, and only live for themselves.  They are happier in a superficial way, more carefree possibly, but they're also closed off, disconnected, cold (to the poor, orphans, etc.), and not fully developed and mature in a very real sense of humanity.  We're not supposed to live that way, so they lose something of themselves by that.

I've known some older Christians who made it a point not to become jaded or bitter with time (60's, 70's, 80's), and the difference between them and the Christians that fall into temptation to get dragged down into pessimistic thinking, is the ability to not lose one's remarkable joy in life.  And it is something remarkable to behold.  When you see a person like that, they are so real... so mature in the sense that their happiness is not superficial at all.  They have a deep abiding joy that sustains them throughout their own ups and downs of life, something that has taught them how to be content, truly happy, in all situations in life, because they can do and handle all things (anything) through God who gives them strength.  Your joy of the Lord is your strength. 

I'm probably not the right person to be saying this, since I'm only 34... I haven't lived this to be able to say it's truly personally.  But I have seen it, and those people's witness to it being possible is more than enough for me to understand the truth behind it.  I've always tried to kind of collect older people like that.  Women whose lives I wanted to model mine after, women who obviously succeeded at having a good marriage (still passionate and in love decades down the line!!!) and raised good, strong and mature children, I've collected them as mentors because they've done this already, and their insight really helps me be able to put my own ridiculous thoughts into long-term perspective.

Sorry to write so much!  It's an interesting topic!

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Life has become devoid and bleak. 
 

Golden Years are a lie.

Aw Seraphim!!!!  We always have hope, right?  Hope of the eternal... if you're Christian, this sad, dejected life is not the end for us.  There are a lot of verses on Heaven you could look up, and it is SO encouraging.  

Being recepted by relatives, some you've never met becasue they were before you, having them all know you and receive you with open arms... it is incredibly moving and beautiful.

No.  Death is not the end for us at all.  It is an incredible, exciting new adventure.

An adventure that the Bible says will include no more tears.  No more sorrow or suffering (like that which is in this life).

Aw Seraphim... huge hugs!!!!  You're not alone, all your relatives who believed before you are waiting for you to end your race of your life well, to endure to the end well.  Your end will be rewarded with God Himself saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant," like Paul describes.  

We always have Hope.

On 4/6/2021 at 10:40 AM, Seraphim said:

It is my nature to help, what I was taught and what my religion teaches but you know what I also need to steel my heart and reduce my compassion. 

I understand what you mean, especially when saying religion is what largely motivates you to want to help and be compassionate.  I do think there are a lot of warnings in the Bible though, about when we're specifically not supposed to help or go out of our way, because it could harm us.

Christians are supposed to be as wise as serpents, yet harmless as doves.  But it does say, "as wise as serpents."  We're not supposed to be just dumb idiots helping anyone who tries to trick us or take advantage of us, etc.  

Plus you're not really helping someone when you allow them to take advantage of you.  A lot of times the right thing, the loving thing, is to defend your boundaries, which doesn't feel good to the offender or person trying to get past your boundaries/harm you in some way.

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Sorry maritalbliss, but you've read more into that post than I wrote. There's absolutely nothing in there about me trying to convince people that they were wrong, or trying to "fix" the situation.

I didn't say "How can I change them? How can I get them to see? How can I fix them?"

Maybe I'm wrong... I thought you continued to try to argue and reason with Simon(?), send those emails you posted, and tried to get them to see reality up until the pay cut where you seemed to change your whole outlook on not trying anymore to argue or reason or correct them?  I thought that was brilliant, actually, to agree with them and get them to think they were really right lol.  You can't do anything else unfortunately, except for quit.

It's ok ❤️ at least it will probably be rare for you to be in this bad of a similar situation in the future.  

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Irrational people making decisions, and having irrational expectations, make me irrational lol.

It didn't occur to me that it was a form of anxiety until the other week, when I was lying awake in bed. I mean, I know these thoughts are irrational; I just didn't put two and two together. Now that I know, I can take steps to address it.

I know back then I suggested going to therapy to talk about it all, but I get it, you want to do it on your own  , but I really think a great therapist would have pointed out that you are absolutely not acting, "irrational," when in this situation.  

The anxiety is a natural response to working in a workplace like this.  You can't just bypass that without losing your sense of well-being in another way (sense of ethical obligation when they ask you do something unethical etc.).

Massive anxiety is a natural, rational response when your boss is expecting you to meet unmeetable deadlines, pass or create unsafe building plans, do things that defy the laws of physics.  

One of the nice things about therapy is they help you to see if you're not the problem.  And I really don't think you are the problem here by having these natural responses to a very toxic workplace.

Just rereading the advice again, Lost's words still strike me as the best comprehensive response (he is so wise!).

Edited to bold and italicize some of his main points I also referred to:

Quote

On to your thread topic.  So I have worked for the same place for over 30 years and throughout all those years I have had numerous bosses on 3 levels about me (I am the lowest boss) and I am a lot like you so at first it really bothered me how incompetent some were over the years.  When I had good ones it was blissful and having one knucklehead out of 3 in the chain was doable but when you have all 3 that don't know what they are doing it is unbearable.  Over the years I learned to size them up pretty quickly and simply worked around them. I let them think what they wanted and just got the job done well.  If they called me in to chastise me I wouldn't ague or explain myself to much or at all, I would simply let them think they were in charge and were really giving it to me.  They would feel better and I would let it slide off my back and go back to doing what I know.   My situation is almost assuredly different than yours but if you think about it this way it may help.  It is mind over matter, I didn't mind because they didn't matter.  Caring to much at work can hurt you emotionally, physically and relationship wise.  Be mindful of that as you get frustrated.  The passion you have for your work is a great asset and if they were smart they would tap into that passion instead of beating you down with stupid trivial complaints for things they probably don't completely understand. 

  Looking for a new job is a good idea.  It does two things: 1. It relieves some of the stress because you see options.  2. It allows you to see that at this moment this might be the place you need to be for right now.

  My situation has gotten to the point where I started looking into retirement.  I could stick it out here longer and they couldn't touch me but looking at retirement is like looking for possible new jobs and it opened my eyes.  I should have looked sooner because financially I am lucky enough to leave at any time and live very comfortably. 

  Where I work we have had an influx of people with degrees but no experience which cause the experienced people to leave out of frustration which brings in more inexperienced people.  This place is in trouble and if your work is starting to head in that direction get out before it gets so bad it hurts your soul. 

Play the game and stop trying to teach your boss how to do their jobs better because it won't work.  They just spout stuff they read about communication and open door policy but as you have found out the communication is one sided and the door may be open but you are not welcome inside.   

  Play the long game and ALWAYS put yourself and your family first.  Giving to much and expecting a reward I have found is a recipe for disappointment.  A good work environment is worth more than 15% more salary any day.   

 

Lost

On 1/22/2021 at 8:31 AM, Jibralta said:

In June, I took a job with a  company that started out small, but which is in the process of growing rapidly. 

It's an exciting opportunity for me, career-wise. But I have had a lot of frustrations along the way. And I am not the only one. Since I've been hear, at least two people have quit out of sheer frustration from the way the owners are running things.

I know what they were going through because I was on the job with them when it was happening. Now, I am in a different position within the company and facing new frustrations.

The owners emphasize communication, but they themselves do not communicate and are inaccessible most of the time.

They do not make their expectations known until you have somehow violated them. Asking questions up front does not work. They either do not listen or they deflect with vague generalities.

They dump work on you without warning and expect you to accomplish it in an unreasonable amount of time. When you raise a concern, they tend to minimize it. But when the sht subsequently hits the fan, you are in trouble.

I talked to my boyfriend's parents about my concerns this summer. They've been business owners for 25 years, and they were like, "Why do you care about this?" And I really don't know why I care. I wish I could stop caring. I wish it didn't make me so mad. But it does. I get mad.

Any advice?

This is what you wrote in January... to me, you were still in denial about how you could, "fix," the man and his coworker (the female?), and wanted to push through trying to reason.

But you really can't reason with people like that.  If it is unethical, that's when you walk away.