Meisje

I'd like some opinions on how to bring up the possibility of having a long-distance relationship with someone. I've been dating him for about 2 months, but just very casually. In about a week he is moving and will live over an hour away from me. I want to keep seeing him, and think that he is interested in me enough to think about having long-distance thing. I just don't want to put him on the spot and create one of those horrible "we need to talk" moments. How is a good way to bring this topic up and let him know that I would be willing to put in that effort to see him -- without seeming too forward or putting pressure on him (since we've only been dating casually so far).

Berry, and Amy Lee, Here is what I have posted about my story, feel free to read through it and see if any of it helps you understand some things... or at least know that others are going through the same thing. And like I said before, (either of you) feel free to message me about it.

Switch, thanks for your words, they are encouraging and I appreciate that... most of the reactions I've gotten can't get past the fact that he cheated and just tell me to leave him. So to fill a few things in, when he cheated, it was with a girl we knew from highschool. Well, he knew her, I knew of her. Anyway, she had always flirted with him but he was never interested. But she was also the person he lost his virginity with. The way he explained it to me was that he didn't like being a virgin, and he just wanted to get it out of the way... haha so much for a special moment (by the way, we weren't dating when he said that)... anyway, fastforward about a year to when he cheated on me (and we had then been dating for about a year). He was playing basketball with her (which I knew they did all the time, so that part wasn't a secret) and then they went back to her place to rest. She started telling him all about her personal life (which apparently is a common thing for her to do) and somehow (I don't know how) it led to sex. But what he also told me was that he barely had sex with her at all, I mean, yes they did have intercourse, but after a few minutes he just left and went home without saying anything. That was apparently because he felt nautious about the whole thing. So on one hand, I would say that's a good thing, that he was never interested in her emotionally and that when they did have sex, he couldn't actually do it and left... that's the good part. The bad part is that she was his first AND the same person he cheated with... there must be something about her that she can keep getting him like that. When he confessed, he repeatedly exhausted the idea that he did NOT do it in retaliation of anything or with intentions of hurting me. At the time, we were not stable in our relationship... we weren't openly fighting about anything, but we weren't comfortable either (I think that's because we had been away at school, only seeing eachother once a week AT MOST and all of a sudden when summer came, we were too in eachother's face, and not used to it.)... so he interpreted it as we were about to break up. So I guess the actual cheating was a product of confused feelings about our relationship and of her provoking him. --- The other thing I just wanted to mention (about giving him his space)... We went on the break about 2 weeks ago and I've only spoken to him 2 or 3 times, so we're each getting plenty of space. Most of the reason I have talked to him is because we are both working on a project together that we have commited to outside of our relaitonship troubles (I am doing the cover art for a friend's CD which he is producing)... so when I have talked to him, it had been for the purpose of dicussing business! Even still, it goes into normal conversation about school and friends, etc... just small talk and when we talk it seems totally normal, there seems to be no hesitation or bitterness on his part... so that's good I guess.

Well I'm new here, so I'm hoping that I can get some advice or at least some opinions on this. I'm going to try to keep this as short as I can, but that will obviously leave out a lot of information, so maybe I can just add in the rest of the story as needed later... So the short of it is that my boyfriend of 1.5 years cheated on me BUT it was only one occasion. He didn't have another relationship behind my back, it was just one girl, one time. So he confessed in September (4 months after the act) and I was obviously very upset. That night he was so, so nice to me, saying how much he loves me and didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to work through this and fix everything. He was very upset that his stupid mistake could be the reason for losing me, and that he felt so bad for ruining my experience with the first person I loved, etc. etc. I very much believed his sincerity in all that he said and I wanted to try to work things out. For the next week or so things were very good, he was very dedicated in trying to work through this and make me feel better. But there's an addition to the situation: his guilt/nerves turned into a health issue. All summer he was sick, throwing up, losing weight, etc. and it developed into a minor eating disorder and a serious health risk. Towards the end of the summer, I had to take him to the hospital for the pain one night. Later that week he confessed to me about the cheating. His sickness (so we [he and I] assume) is due to his discomfort around me. Seeing me reminds him of what he did, remembering that makes him feel guilty and feeling guilty makes him sick. So now we're on a break. --- That's part one. Part two is since the break (and the part i need advise on): I can't figure out how feelings can change so quickly. In September (only 2 months ago) he was so loving and told me things I could only wish to hear, and I DO believe he was sincere in saying them and that his feelings were true (I don't think he was just trying to say the right things to get himself out of trouble - that's not like him - plus he was almost in tears over it)... so if he felt THAT strongly about me 2 months ago, what has changed? When he said he wanted a break, he said he just didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. I (hesitantly) agreed to the break but asked him whether he meant a total, no-contact break or if I could still talk to him now and then. (we live in different cities, so this would happen over MSN). He said I could. His exact words were "just be a friend, not a girlfriend for a while"... the his final words were "make it easy to be around you" So my question is how do I do that? What can I do to make him more comfortable about something like this? I've already put in the effort to stay with him and get over this, so he knows that I love him and want to get past this... so I don't really understand how he is not comfortable around me if I obviously want to work through this.

Amy Lee, I'm sorry that you are going through this, I know it's very hard because I am going through it too. In September my boyfriend confessed that he had cheated on me. Like you said, I still loved him very much and we have been trying to work through it ever since. It has been VERY hard for us to work though it, and even after 2 months of work we still have problems, so I'll give you that warning. You need to give a little more information to fill out the picture: who was this girl, did you know her? How/why did he tell you, did you find him out or did he confess on his own? How long was this going on for before you found out? etc. Give a little more information and maybe it will help you sort out some thoughts. I know it's probably very hard to compose yourself and think straight, but if you would like to message me, feel free. We are going through the same sort of thing, so maybe we can help eachother out.