ZeMLB

William, 45, has always dated younger women. It was only recently, however, that he detected a pattern in those relationships. "I end up raising them — helping them solve their problems, grow up and expand their horizons," he says. And what's wrong with that, you might ask? Plenty, says William. "Sure enough, they always leave me for a younger guy." So why does he keep going back? We asked relationship expert April Masini, L.A.-based author of the best-selling book, Date Out Of Your League, why guys like William persist in putting the men back in mentoring. Besides ego-boosting good looks, what does a younger woman offer an older man? "There is actually quite a bit that young women have to offer older men besides looks alone," Masini says. "On the most obvious level, there's that fun, young energy they have. There's naiveté, which can be attractive when compared with the cynicism of some older women. There's a playfulness — a lack of the seriousness that can sometimes accompany being an adult and having responsibility. And, for some men, there's the fact that these young girls look up to them — as father figures and as mentors. That, in and of itself, is very attractive." All of these things, though mutually beneficial for a while, eventually wear thin for most women. "If the relationship is… based on the man being a sort of father or mentor figure, problems can – and likely will – arise once [the younger woman] really begins to grow and come into her own," Masini notes. "Even for couples where there is little-to-no age discrepancy, people often grow in different directions, leading to the dissolution of the relationship." Add to that a generation gap and you've got an even higher chance that the direction each person moves will be away from the other. Masini explains: "Like any child breaking away from a parent, she may want to establish more of an independent life, depending on him less and less, perhaps even becoming resentful toward him for the power he has wielded over her." The result can be a nasty break-up, because as she tries to break away, he realizes he's losing her along with his control. That often spurs a role reversal. "The man she once looked up to begins to become more and more insecure, more possessive, more demanding and more needy as he tries to regain control of the relationship and her," Masini says. And, unfortunately, this behavior usually does just the opposite. "Not only is he unable to regain his position of power in the relationship — he succeeds in driving her away for good." Is there hope for William and his brethren to break the cycle? Yes, Masini asserts. The older man/younger woman can increase their odds of staying together if they: Are motivated to grow together in the same direction Share interests, goals, values and belief systems Commit to making it work Accept that they will both go through changes as individuals – and that their relationship will change, too Success in this arena is dependent on what each party wants to get out of the relationship. "If he simply likes the physical attraction or energy of a younger woman with little concern for what lies beneath the surface, both parties should beware," Masini continues. "Fortunately, there are some [women] out there who have their lives together, who aren't looking for a father figure, and who just find the stability, wisdom, and maturity of an older man attractive. But if he's drawn to girls who will idolize and defer to him, he enters into these relationships at his own risk – knowing full-well these can only go so far or last for so long."

First things first... I like you littlelady - nice to see sane women out there helping us lost guys out I agree with much of what you have to say and will do my best to answer your questions. I agree - while we have found a few things we have in common, our conversations have been fairly empty and very brief. I try - maybe too hard... but it all feels very forced and uncomfortable. I have no idea... in fact, she is borrowing his extra car (her old car that he took back when they split) right now... been over there nearly an hour as of this post. And while I'm a very trusting and non-jealous guy, it bugs the hell out of me. She has said to me (and to him, so she says) she wants to be friends with him and nothing more. Do I believe this... maybe just a little, but I have my doubts. She has said that she likes me a lot and that she enjoys being with me... but not that she wants a relationship (though, maybe that's just "understood"?) Yes, I think she has quite a few problems - and while I like to help people, I'm not sure how deep I want to get into this. I have HUGE fears of clingy, "sugar daddy", super dependant, etc situations. Who said I was a nice guy?!? If I AM being used as a pawn in some silly get my ex back kind of way, I'm sure as hell not going to be nice about it. 1.5 years, Yes she had sex with him (they lived together for a year of it), as for the twisted no sex thing - maybe?!? Messed up, yes - I've noticed As for making it easy to be used. Yes I have a bad habit of that, I truly like to help the people in my life. I care for them, give emotional and physical support, financial support when needed (Been burnt a few times), generally, the shirt off my back. I honestly dont know any other way to be - was raised by a single mom being the oldest and only boy w/ 4 sisters. I'm a natural protector/provider with huge issues of my own Interesting suggestions - dont know if I can pull it off though I'm fairly certain that you are correct... and thats what makes me want to bail - and bail sooner rather than later. I hate being used and I hate being the fool. I have this horrible feeling in my gut - one I really done like. I really wish I could find someone more my type, before her I had been on only 2 dates in 2.5 years (both horrible) - so maybe I'm just doomed Thanks for the help lady! -ZeMLB

Update: Went on vacation right after the last part of this story... She did not come with me (was never planning to). She or I called each night to talk - sometimes for 5 min, others for nearly 2 hours. Not that the conversations were all that deep, just very casual and light. I've been back for 4 days now, have seen her 3 of them - and the results? My suspicions were correct, she HAS been raped, so has her younger sister... Her previous relationship ended with him beating her physically and then kicking her out. (still don't know what exactly went down) We had a "rough" time last night... I was in the room during a phone conversation with her ex. Some things were said that I didnt like. She didnt tell him that she has a new BF, she deferred an invite out to a movie "because she needed to get some sleep" NOT because she didnt want to, or because she has a BF. There were a few other things, but I dont remember all of them, just the ones that really rubbed me the wrong way. Rather than talking to her about it right then and there, I turned silent and let her leave not knowing (but knowing) what my problem was. (yea, really smooth and adult, I know) I called her not 10 min after to talk. Let her know how I felt, asked her what she wanted out of me... etc. Didnt really get an answer to any of my questions, but DID get her to open up a bit, garnering the information about her being raped, her father(less) situation, and her last relationship. Not sure what to do next - saw her for about 5 min today, she was very standoffish - even seeming to ignore me at one point. I want to pin her down and figure out what it is she expects to come of a relationship - any ideas as to the best way to get her to tell me? Flat out asking has failed twice, all I've received is "I dont know" or "you make me feel like no one has before" -- Soooo.... help? -ZeMLB

I don't care (and neither should you) what anyone says about anything. You should never kill yourself. It may not feel like it now, but there are MANY things to live for. I hated being a teen - I pretty much assumed I wouldn't make it past 18... And here I am at 28, really enjoying what I'm doing now and how I got here. Just suck it up, ignore the jerks in your life and move on as soon as you can. For me *as soon as you can* was the day after graduation. I packed my car (which I paid $300 for one year earlier) and moved. No plans other than to leave to CA. Started over, changed my outlook on life and have never been happier... I only hope you realize that nothing in life stays the same, accept for the fact that everything will change - I promise. -ZeMLB

Now for a quick view into a what has the potential to be a fiery train wreck. I just sent this email off to the lady in question... Likely the worst thing to do, but I'm frustrated after a few days of odd conversations and interactions. I dont like not talking and I dont like not understanding things... so on with it... Mock me if you dare **Names edited to protect the guilty**

That's just it... I have not made ANY of the moves; I've been trying to be respectful and maybe even a little stand-off-ish. The age thing IS a bit of a deal, I really wish she was a little older, I understand women my age better (or so I would like to believe So I guess I'll just stay the course and not pry into her past, though I honestly believe there is something there. I'm way out of my element here - I'm somewhere between treating her like my GF and like my little sister. While it's easy to say DONT treat her like your little sis, its MUCH harder in practice. She is younger than my oldest sister by 6 years - with 3 more her age or younger. Maybe I'm just over thinking it... Bah, this sucks. -ZeMLB *Sorry for the very random strewn about thoughts... I cant sleep.

Ok - so a quick BG. I'm 28, she is 20. We have known each other for 6 months or so and in that time have gotten to know each other "on the surface" only. There has been mutual attraction, and a week ago I finally got up the nerve to ask her on a date. Date went well, she stayed the night, and has done so 5 times in the 7 days we have been "together". Now aside from the odd immediate attachment (I haven't fought it), what's going on here? We haven't had sex, though I have performed oral on her once, and she seems to want it bad. However each time I act on her dry humping, or any other sign that says please have sex with me, she backs off... Only to start back up in 5 min. I half think she has some hang up - maybe she was raped? Maybe she was in an abusive relationship before? Maybe she is a huge tease and is making me pay for something I may or may not have done Sooo.... The question(s) are: How do I go about asking her about a problem without totally screwing any "mood"? She has been using the "its nothing" line when it comes to her being down more than once… How do I ask her how many sexual partners she has had? How do I (or is it even "ok") to ask if she was a rape victim? How do I ask her what she wants and what her goals/desires are in this relationship? Any other advice you might want to throw this way? This is my first relationship in 2 years (was in a 6 year nightmare before this one) and I don't know if its me being all jaded or her being all screwed up. Hope to hear some good advice -ZeMLB