reinventmyself

I think it makes you human.  You made a mistake.  You take responsibility and move on.   

I did my fair share of OLD and in the beginning years I focused on one person at a time.  It's not in my nature to juggle and nor did I have the time and energy to do so.

At some point I took a break and came back deciding to try to talk to a few men at a time.  There was always one that I liked more than the other but keeping my options open and continually moving forward was a game changer for me.  I was not invested in any outcome and I learned if one didn't work out another would be coming down the line.  Surprisingly it changed my energy and I felt more confident in dates and much more relaxed.  That in itself likely made me more attractive.

I've read your entire journey and though there is some definite validity to what you describe as a lack of chemistry.  But I can't help but wonder if this is a defense mechanism on your part.  

Happy Belated Birthday 🤩

My bf's mom does this.  I noticed everyone else in the room has their head down so not to be in her sights, so she singles me out.  Her delivery is loud and abrasive.

One night eating dinner at my bfs house. . that and the 2 hours prior had taxed me.  Bf, his son and father all have their eyes down and she is on a roll.  I figured out what was going on and how these men deal with her.  Or try not to.

I was done with my plate and the rest were too, but they might have still had their forks in their hands.  I abruptly circled the table, cleared the plates from all of them.  I placed them on the counter, got my coat and said good night.

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I had an appointment with a new therapist scheduled for tomorrow.  TODAY she messaged me saying she is cancelling and will be unavailable for a month and she's looking forward to seeing me when she returns!  I politely told her to go eff herself and scheduled with a different therapist.

How unprofessional.

Oh no  . . that's not right!

I suppose it's always been this way but more and more I come across people who talk at you, not with you.

I'd like to think I'm a good listener, but if you ramble on endlessly, interrupt me when I might say something or don't listen at all, I am beyond annoyed.  I think it's incredibly selfish.  It's my latest pet peeve.  

For the people who do this and I either pass on invites or find a way to walk away midsentence. It might not be polite but doing that endless word vomit thing is rude to your audience.

The exchange of messages gets tedious.  Add in - you often don't get much for your investment and it gets monotonous. 

You mentioned you've exchanged a few messages, and it lacks some momentum or it's one sided?  Move it a phone call.  Ask her if she's like to chat on the phone.

I would tell men that I sit in front of a pc all day at work.  I am not terribly inclined to do it some more once I get home. (truth)  I'd offer a phone conversation sooner than later.  Talking to them real time helps move things along, but I was also able to eliminate some after talking to them.  It beats the endless emails.

Dr Phil once said that for someone who has issues with over spending and debt, a million dollars wouldn't change anything.  You need to learn the spend what you have.

2 minutes ago, SydThaKid said:

We’ve spoke to doing couples therapy if we ever considered getting back together. For now we’re just figuring things out on our own 

How's that working for you?

How about going even if you don't reconcile.

would she consider some couples counseling with you?  At the very least so you both can coparent to the best of you ability.

If she's totally against it, then I suppose you know where she stands.

So sorry about your loss. Losing one's mother is such a profound experience.

I am all about lists.  I think I've developed some sort of ADD as I get older.  That and I have an issue of avoidance to begin with.  I have this weird thing where I feel this huge resistance to call people, whether friends or any sort of customer service related thing.  I will put it off as long as I can or conveniently forget. .  to my own detriment at times.

My job required me to reach out to all sorts of people every day.  I found post it's that were about 3x5 inch big and I would make a list and stick it to my desk.  If I didn't I could rationalize all sorts of reasons to not call.  But I needed a paycheck.   I felt so relieved when I could cross things off my list.  The post it's were helpful because then the list didn't mysteriously get buried in paperwork.

I do like the reward idea. . .giving that some thought.

I think there are compromises in all these issues. . hopefully.

Trying to be positive here, but I am divorced and my ex and I were about as different as two can be in areas of child raising and money (among other things)   He wanted to buy the kids everything and to me these moments, getting a car, etc are all teaching moments.  Learning delayed gratification is basically what makes the world go around.  Spoiling children can handicap them.

I once read that going into a marriage is similar to running a business.   Is this someone you would want as a business partner?  You need to have some similar values and goals for your business to be successful.

Money values run deep and rarely change.  You definitely need to have some challenging conversations about these things to see if there is any compromise for you too.

6 minutes ago, scaredgf said:

He did wonder, he was shocked I stuck around for so long after rejections. Thank you.. ❤️

and what that told him is you have some self worth issues. He may ultimately find that unattractive. Someone with a healthy selfesteem doesn't continue to pursue a person who isn't interested.

Instead of focusing on his behavior and wondering what he's thinking you need to put that energy into yourself.

Is this relationship meeting your needs?

Do you believe you deserve better?

It sounds as if you are awfully available to him.  Do you spend time with your friends and outside interests?

As much as she may be hurt and disappointed, no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who describes their experience with them as soul crushing. 

It's never easy to walk away.  But the kindest thing to do is to set her free so she can find someone who loves her the way she deserves.

7 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

She’s been saying the calendar thing since Date 1 if I’m not mistaken?

Very off-putting and I agree, she’s trying to use the “so so busy” thing to increase her value.  Ugh. 
  If I like a guy and he asks me for a date, I check my calendar first, then I give days that work for me.  Same with friends. 
 This is game-playing, and me no likey.  
But, she seems great in person, so carry on.  And yes, get your flirting game on!

I agree with this ^^ 

Thinking all along while reading your journey, if I like a guy and I am hoping for another date I definitely already know if I'm free Friday or Saturday.  At some point you should expect an enthusiastic "Yes!"  You are putting yourself out there afterall.  One would think she would be more encouraging, rather than a 'let me get back to you'

We will give her the benefit of the doubt, that she's trying to not appear eager, just like you. 

Does this friend of hers come around and socialize with the both of you?

I ask because when I was married, I went through something similar.   I had two male best friends, and they ultimately became just as much my husband's friends as mine.  They supported my marriage and at some point we are all double dating and socializing together with their ladies.

My husband on the other hand had a woman friend I never met who used to call often and send gifts etc.  When I voiced concerns, he compared it to the male friends.  I laid a firm boundary at the time.  If she couldn't come over and instead appeared to be some sort of secret friend, then it was a no go.  She needed to be just as inclusive as my friends and vice versa.

If this guy is intentionally creating tension in your marriage, then he's not her friend.

a person with self respect would have walked out a long time ago.  If you don't respect yourself, he surely won't. 

you don't leave therefore there are no consequences.  You've pretty much let him know that he can continue to do things and you don't have the guts to do anything about it.  Therefore, you shouldn't be surprised it continues.

why exactly do you stay with someone who has repeatedly proven that he is not to be trusted and has no respect for you or the relationship?

Thank you for the kind words, Ladies 😻  It means alot.

S's Dad is now in rehab.  Things don't look good.  It's one thing after another and 2 1/2 weeks post surgery he's not walked and still doesn't recognize his family.

S has been gone for about 10 days and returns tomorrow.  He's thinking he can stay here for 6 days, but I am skeptical. Something happens daily. He'll return to his parents for 10 days come home for 2 and then go out of town with his son for a planned birthday gift trip.  Just to return to his parents.

Ugh. . it's sooo not about me, but this is a snapshot of what our future looks like.  I barely speak to him because he's so spent.  The other night he called for a moment only to say he had to go because his mother needed him the other room.  He couldn't have said 'give me 5 minutes?'  I feel selfish even writing these words.  His mom is so demanding this gives me a clue of what it would be like with his father gone.   I knew this time was coming. . but . . this could go on indefinitely.

Still no plan.  He suspects his mother is thinking she's going to take her husband home and take care of him.  That is not going to happen.  I feel so bad for all of them.

I've been keeping busy. . or at least trying to.  

It's just an ego boost.   Narcissists need to be fed and they have zero shame using people to achieve this.  Don't feed this one.

Oh boy. . .I hope when you look back that this is life lesson for you.

You are battling someone for control.  Problem for you is - she is your boss, she does own the company and if she sets it all on fire you have absolutely no say in it.

I reflect on my career where I rarely agreed with my boss's vision or decisions.  But I knew my place.  You will find this dynamic wherever you go.   You need to know your place or you will continue to be miserable.