1a1a

Ahh, English language, as in four months ago I became a mum. Now I have a babe. No loss personally.
 

Very large amount of sadness thinking about how these other babies must have suffered, especially when I’m interacting with my own. Like it’s not That hard to at least give your babe some food and clean clothes and change their nappy. And then it’s honestly actually a total delight to interact with him. I’m sure their babies would have been the same, if they’d engaged with them instead of putting them in a room, closing the door and carrying on life as though there was not and never had been a baby, like if you’re not enjoying this babe, surrender them for adoption, leave them in a basket in a shopping mall or at a church doorstep, tell a friend or family member or neighbour. Something, anything that isn’t putting them in a room, closing the door and walking away for 10 days

There’s a website called find a grave and it’s like a virtual grave yard that spans the whole digitised world. You can leave virtual flowers and a message if you like. People are still leaving flowers for the neglect babies. I think, I’m not the only one who was affected.

Read a really, really awful child neglect news story 8 days ago. The details broke my heart and brought me to tears. Up for the next 3 hours past bed time trying to come to terms with what I’d learned, I went down the saddest rabbit hole. Now there’s ten babies names I wish I had no reason to know. Each one’s suffering and death heart breaking. Some abuse, some neglect, one tragedy. It’s the fatal neglect stories that really keep me up at night. The news reports give so much fine detail from the court cases (Which I’m not going to repeat here because no one else needs that in their head).

I had a babe of my own 4 months ago. I don’t know, stories about babies suffering really hit differently now. Harder. I’m really having trouble unhooking. Like it feels as though I’d be dishonouring their memories to simply move on. But thinking about their suffering is debilitating and not helping anyone and making me less present for my own babe and wearing out my partner… far out I wish I could reach through time and save these kids though. They came into the world full of potential and desire to connect and their parents, I don’t know, I don’t know what’s broken there but I’m really sad a babe has to suffer and die for it.

Could you try treating painting like nanowrimo? Have a week where you have to be painting for x time every day. 

Could be overloaded and burning out. 
 

Could also need to work on her emotional regulation but no matter how good or poor that skill is, it gets harder to do when you’re depleted in some way.

Could take the speakers back from her room.
 

Could leave them there but sabotage them so they won’t work anymore.
 

Also all for getting your ducks in a row to move out and lose her as a housemate, she kinda sucks.

Combo of blocking and restraining order against the people who show up uninvited at your door? 
 

But mostly I guess with this guy you’re going to have to practice grey rock. https://www.kidspot.com.au/lifestyle/sex-relationships/the-psychrecommended-hack-for-dealing-with-the-narcissist-in-your-life/news-story/04c822aa7f810f1fbd566de35b80ed60?utm_source=SEM&utm_medium=PPC_SEM&utm_campaign={campaign}&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4Y-sBhC6ARIsAGXF1g5w17sTkHCP9-b_dWR5YgYCVtoic0e8ojjHO9aBvFYDojZchMkyCCsaAiGbEALw_wcB

Can you just block this guy everywhere? Maybe direct him to a lawyer of your own and let them handle the crazy. 

When my brain gets stuck on a regret like that, lately I’ve been looking up Eckhart Tolle videos with the search prompt ‘stuck on a thought’ or ‘trapped in negative thinking’ or similar to that. Your mileage may vary but I find him good for calling me back into the present and into my body. 
 

Written on the whiteboard where I see the midwife (not her writing it’s a shared office, someone else’s)

Painful feeling + resistance = suffering 

Painful feeling + willing = growth

Your needs are so badly unmet in this relationship you’re starting to crush on people outside of it. Speaking from experience if nothing changes this crush will be the first in a long line of them. 

You don’t have to formally bow out of Xmas, on the day of you don’t feel like going then text and say you’ve got gastro. 

In this instance I’m thinking about tonight’s gig as a sound tech. The band were very finicky, wanted unusual things, singers spent the whole show out the front of the Pa which meant compromises, one of them was pretty deaf which meant he wanted his vocals really loud above the rest of the band. Much louder than I would usually mix them. 
 

If this had been my first gig like this I’d have called it harrowing but I’ve done them before, so I braced myself and tried my best to give them everything they asked for. 
 

At the end of the night the bazouki player was unhappy because when an extra musician got on stage I took and educated guess and added him to the foldback, too loud it turns out. And one of the singers had gone hoarse. I was hearing the same mix she was and I don’t really understand how she couldn’t hear herself but there must have been something off in the mix that made her feel like she had to strain. That’s bad actually, I don’t want singers coming out the other side of one of my mixes losing their voice because they couldn’t hear themselves above the band.

Possibly both these situations could have been mitigated by more regular checking with the band. They played for a little over 4 hours straight with no break and I must admit I hit the wall about half way through. (But obviously going forward even if I’m tired I’d be served well making it a personal policy to check in with the band as the set progresses. Although I Did interact with the bazouki player a couple of times after adding that drum and he never mentioned it, only that I should turn the master down).

The above preamble brings me to my point. Tonight was really hard work, and it wasn’t success. That’s frustrating and demoralising. Especially when I’ve been doing this going on 17 years now and surely by now I should have learnt enough to iron out the kinks that happened tonight. 
 

No real question I guess, just howling at the moon. Commiserations and pro tips welcomed. 

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

 you seem mired in unimportant details.  

 

Somehow seeing this written down  helped me get my mind unstuck.

There’s a lot of wisdom here, thank you all.

Double post 

I’ve bought him a replacement and told him as much. But I’m still utterly irritated by this insult on top of all that has transpired. Asked vacuum owning friend to ask as a favour to me. It’s the principle of the matter. 
 

And I didn’t loan it, I had it in my house with the rest of my things. Grifter helped himself. 

Well, you’re not wrong.

Had a brainwave today, maybe the friend that leant me the vacuum could contact ex housemate directly asking when he could pick it up. Still trying to influence a different outcome. Futile right? Vacuum owning friend did not reply, ex housemate still hasn’t replied.
 

Just have to chalk this up to experience. I dunno, for the rent thing yeah should have had paper work that’s just business but for letting this person have a key to my house, with still my possessions in it (I didn’t move out very effectively), that I did because I trusted him not to steal from me. And then bam, theft and silence. 

Never did I think anything could happen to shift me along the spectrum from landlord unsympathetic to landlord sympathetic ah hah. But here I am commencing the journey and thinking about what fail safes I’d have in place if I did it again (bond, eagle eye watching to see rent is behind, way less grace time). 
 

Remain incredibly grateful that at least they’re physically out!!!!

That’s it Batya, I was starting to think they were taking me for a ride. 
 

Aussie dollars, I can take the hit, and I get a house out of it one day. But the principle of the matter is grating. 
 

Nothing on paper bolt, which would have made it really hard to physically move them if they hadn’t left on their own so there’s a small mercy they left, but yeah, all on paper next time for sure! You trust people, they stop paying rent and steal your vacuum. 

(in answer to boltnrun) because of a foolish ideological commitment to not messing with people’s housing security. I’ve had so many landlords tell me I’ll need to move at the end of the lease because they need the house in the last 4 years (before that I somehow lucked out with 11 years in one place; that was my home). I just didn’t want to be that landlord. It would appear I do firmly draw the line at being forced to pay their rent for a prolonged period of time with no discussion and no end in sight though. 
 

They’ll never knooooow, the arguments I had with my partner when our own lease ended about not kicking these people out just to assure our own housing security. (We found another house, bit more solvent than these losers. But if I’d known how much drama would unfold in the last 4 months I would have made a different call. What do they say, no good deed goes unpunished!)

The last housemate is coincidentally moving out as we speak so re occupying the house is looking like a pretty good option!

Gahhhh, I’m just stewing about the injustice of it all and I’d like my brain to drop it. 

Long story made shorter and it still ends up being kind of long, I bought a house, got in some housemates to help with the mortgage and when I wanted to try living with my partner I didn’t feel right asking anyone to leave so I moved out instead.

Fast forward most of the year and two of the housemates are engaged in the most toxic and disfunctional relationship that disturbs the harmony of the house and disturbs me because I keep getting dragged into it.
 

One was given a verbal request to move on as soon as he could about 6 weeks ago. Then they had some argument and the other pulled out chunks of his hair in order to ‘stop him from walking all over her’. By which point I felt like they both sucked and they both got formal eviction notices for causing bodily harm to another tenant.

I gave them one months notice which is way more generous than the one week that is obligated. 
 

Leaving day came and went and they were both still there smoking bongs and eating kfc. Bonus, neither of them had paid rent since receiving aforementioned notice. When asked how the leaving was going they both said something along the lines of ‘it’s hard to find a place without a job’ *resumes playing playstation/pottering around the house*
 

By now between their rent and bills they never paid I’m about $2500 in a hole and getting stressed about it. My partner finds some other people who might want to move in. They end up not moving in cos this house isn’t ready but the spectre of them having paid rent already and needing 3 rooms empty by the 27th amazingly turns out to be enough to shift these two dead beats. 
 

Which brings me to my irritation. Of course they haven’t caught up the rent or the bills, I didn’t really expect them to and I’d rather they put new money coming in to securing a new home, I do feel bad asking them to leave. 
 

They’re so damn salty about being asked to leave though they left behind random junk they don’t want (the guy left all his crockery, in a big pile on the kitchen counter still needs to be washed. Who does that?!) and didn’t even clean their rooms.

When I asked about the cleaning the girl was like ‘you threw us out, you can handle a little bit of cleaning it’s the least you can do after i put up with your *** around the house’ (it’s my house, I didn’t force her to move in, I let her crash in my lounge rent free for ***ing months wow the entitlement on some people). 

Just to ice the cake, an expensive vacuum I was borrowing no longer seems to be in the house either and when I asked about this, and shared the most recent water bill, absolute crickets. 

Anyway, that’s where I’m at, buying a vacuum to replace the one that was stolen, have a bunch of junk to dump and a house to clean (not sure the carpets will recover to be honest) and the next wave of bills to pay. All because these two people turn out to be kind of scum bag mooches (and this idiot didn’t take bond off the girl. I have bond from the guy, it goes in it’s entirely to paying his share of the last electricity bill. ) I’m so vexed by their attitudes moving out, it really sucks. The financial imposition, the attitudes on them, the radio silence. One thing is for certain, the manner in which they have departed makes me so so so soooooo glad I asked them to leave. Good riddance! 

Tis small consolation that you aren’t alone in having a parent that refuses to validate your experience. Trying to empathise with the other beings around you is such a fundamental part of making meaningful connections 😞

I’m glad it’s long in your past and you’re aware enough to realise you’ve hit the limits of what she can be as a mum and sorry that you carry those wounds to heal. 

Good luuuuck

The best question! If I pull on that thread in best faith, from observing past behaviour, I feel like my friend is in her element when she has something to fix. And perhaps this compels her a little to look for things to fix? It’s something in the lines of question she does with myself or him when we’re one on one that leaves me with that impression. 

I had a kind of fall out with a friend the other day. Actually she was more like collateral damage, my partner and I were meant to meet her partner and her in 90 minutes time and she was calling with a logistics question she needed a time critical answer on. I didn’t pick up so she called my partner who came and got my attention in the middle of a zoom lesson. Rather than just place the message question in front of me which is what I would have done, he asked me to ask the teacher for two minutes. Ok. Next thing a video call is in front of my face with my beaming friend asking how I am and then asking the logistics question. 
 

I was a bit of an arse in my reply which was an exasperated ‘you call it’ to my partner followed by ‘ I don’t know why this couldn’t have been a text message’ as he retreated out the room. But I didn’t have enough perspective yet to realise that, I was still annoyed at being asked to pause my lesson for a video call.

When the lesson is done I realise my partner is feeling very salty because of how I spoke to him. Salty enough it might be better not to bring him. I call my friend with this update and say should I come solo and she says ‘let’s take 20 minutes and see if people feel differently when they’ve calmed down.’

20 minutes later partner is still salty and when I call and update she says ‘let’s reschedule when everyone can come’. Which actually I found quite upsetting because it feels like the double dating is more important to her than one on one time which we have had very little of. (This could be a very uncharitable interpretation. Actually she could be trying really hard to include my partner, a relative stranger to her, and that’s actually really sweet). 
 

I go for a long walk to calm down and on the walk I think about how she had no idea I was in a class or had told my partner I didn’t have time to talk before he placed the phone in front of me and that my reaction could have been really quite hurtful, both of them walk in with the best intentions trying to arrange to spend time with me and I reacted with frustration. 
 

When I get back from that walk I go to text her an apology and find she’s already texted me, expressing how uncomfortable that made her feel and her feelings are hurt. I write my apology and she reacts to something in it like I blame my partner for what happened and that’s unacceptable and she’s on his side in this instance.

My partner and I will come back together and work out our differences, I know this from past experiences and frankly I’m hurt that instead of accepting the apology or rejecting it she wants to make this an intervention on how I spoke to my partner so I ask if we can put a pin in this subject. And she gets hurt and upset by That. 
 

We end it with a plan to write down our feelings and meet today to discuss. 
 

Which brings me to my question. People are drawn to pleasure and avoid pain. This conversation, based on the last one, feels like it’s going to be pain. She’s still wanting to discuss my relationship as part of it. I feel like some part of her wants to find chinks in said connection,  wedge her fingers in and tear it apart. In short, my motivation to have this conversation is very low. But she’s been a friend for a long time and discussion is the only way we can repair the rift. 
 

How do you work out when a tough conversation is worth having to see if you can preserve the friendship and when do you make the call to just skip it. To that end, she has also not reached out to arrange a time to have this discussion, maybe she’s realised just how unpleasant it sounds like it’s going to be as well. (To the question or am I ready to let this friendship go, when she cancelled dinner I was done! Then I thought about how hurtful it might have been to be met with such dismissive annoyance when calling to arrange it and thought maybe this rift Is on me). 
 

tldr: when you have a falling out with a friend how do you decide If it’s worth having an awkward conversation with them to see if it can be healed, and when do you choose to move away from pain and towards pleasure? 

I’m really glad you two talked it out and gained some perspective. Sometimes in a relationship that can go the distance it’s not the rift but how the two of you repair it that’s significant. Good repairing skills is good sign 🙂

I know when something puts you in a bad mood it’s hard to shake it off but a skill really worth learning.

From your partners end he might be pretty perplexed you got so upset about him wanting to pay since on the surface that does look like he’s trying to express his affection for you. You feel how you feel and there’s nothing wrong with that but a calm conversation with him later where you mention that this is a quirk with you, it means a lot for you to evenly pay your way and not just let your partner pay for it all and you know he was trying to be loving and are sorry you got in such a funk. Well you learn something about each other from that day. This conversation will be the best if you can tell him what you’d like to have happen next time. (Also open the floor for him to express his feelings about how the rest of the day went. Same deal with the bum grab. It’s not your jam and he knows that going forward but that’s a pretty conventional boyfriend girlfriend flirty kind of thing to do. )