I'm new to this forum aswell as relationships!

Hi all, I'm Joe. I'm an openly gay man and have been since I was 14 years old. I have now just turned 25 in june. For a few years of my life I had alot of random sex with men. And never really felt the need to, "settle" But in the last 5 months it seems I had the desire to meet someone and take things further. You could say I'm a virgin to the love & affection scene heheh. I was looking around for a partner. But i gave up within 2weeks. Shortlyafter a friend of mine introduced me to someone. My curent boyfriend Daniel. He is wonderful and we got on straight away. We are totaly honest and in our eyes, compatible. But over the past 2 weeks he has been rather depressed as he is unempolyed.

And last night he was very very down and he sent me a text message today on my mobile telephone saying he wanted to talk to me. I then imediately worried and as things seemed edgy lately I paniced and said I'm scared your going to dump me. And he said He doesnt want it to come to that and he hasnt cheated. But he feels the relationship is circling and like other past boyfriends he feels bored and like the love is going no further. I myself feel it was good. He wants to talk tonight and hopefully tomorow. But after that he said he wanted a break for a couple of weeks to sort himself out. I don't know what to do. Men naturally ask WHY WHEN HOW WHERE? As soon as their partner wants space. And they may push them away more. But I'm lost on what to do. I don't want to have to pacify him into loving me. But I don't want to loose him. He says he loves me. What should I do?

Kinda crying at the mo hehe.

Any responce is grateful to me

Thanks x

It sounds like your boyfriend is one who has not yet realized that the "honeymoon stage" does not last forever. If it did, we would never get anything done!

That being said, the love can grow deeper and even more fulfilling/exciting after that stage, but some people for some reason or another can't seem to comprehend that, nor do they want to put the work into it. Some people fail to somehow understand that relationships can by dynamic and growing - maybe because they have pre-conceived ideas of what a relationship is.

I cannot give you much advice on what to do - other than give him the space he needs, and be challenging to him! Take care of yourself, be more independent, and it may light his fire again. Satisfy him emotionally, but be independent. I recommend you take a look at the stuff at link removed (the free stuff, or order the book too). It was recommended to me, and it has some good stuff.

I know how you feel...I got the "we need to talk" email from my ex 6 weeks ago. And we did talk, but split...though now we are in a weird situation now which I won't dwell too far into. Basically he is having his own conflict of how he definitely loves me, but is not sure about "forever" yet. May be the same thing your man is going through.

When he does talk to you...be open and supportive. If he says he needs a break, don't beg or plead...say that you understand and you will give him the space he needs. If you do get back together in time - go to counselling (even if everything seems rosy!).

I hope I helped somewhat. Good luck, and post here...it does help to read what others are going through! Feel free to PM me too

Hi and welcome to the site, man. I live only 1 hour from London so am waving to you now (hehe). You didn't say how long you and Daniel have been together?! I think if he's asking for space you need to give it to him and try and not worry about being rejected. (easier said then done) but hanging onto him if he needs time to think will only push him away. Try and do your own thing for while and hopefully he will see you having fun and want to be part of it again.

JZ

Hey guys. Thanks for your replies they are all really comforting. I understand to give space. But I see it like... I duno like a fate thing. If I give space. He may only return to still not want to see me. On a permenant basis. Hopefuly and maybe it wil make things bettr. I'm all for space. But its hard if, your infactuated with someone. Trust me a year or two ago I would have laughed at someone like myself in my situation.

I was a bit of a wanker. sorry if that word gets me banned or sometthing

x

Hahah don't think you'll get banned. About what you said about fate- if its fate that he will still want out after you give him space then so be it. Demanding his attention is bound to end the relationship whereas giving space has 2 possible outcomes (good or bad). Either way its better to give space as if he decides he wants out you will be on your way to recovery and getting used to life without him again . It is hard when you are infatuated though I know..i do sympathise

JZ

I am really not sure where or why I intended on searching for advise. I think the idea of others being in pain. Or the same sitatuion makes my situation not seem so bad. I know how aweful that sounds. I'm never good and Social interation or explaining hehe. Even though I'm Gemini. I guess it's reassuring to know I, and others arn't the only ones you know? Do you guys ever get annoying people post here? Being rude etc? Daniel and I have been going out for a while now. erm not exactly sure HOW long. but that must be the male hormones in me hehe. Men never remember the "Important stuff" About 5ish months? God knows. It feels like years. But in a good way. This is our first barney (argument) well not reallyargument its more of a. I duno? A disagreement? Conflict. Because we havn't even moaned to each other about it. Its been real calm. Maybe we need to shout and scream but I don't see the logic. Noone deserves an angry poof shouting at them

Yeah there are sometimes nasty replies etc but not usually, most people seem pretty genuine. I guess it depends what offends you though. I know what you mean about others pain being comforting (does that mean we are psychopaths). If it helps any my hubby and I had a argument today!! The friend I told you about is a gemini too- you aren't my old friend you?! Just kidding.

JZ

Most people are pretty good I think around here! Sometimes the advice differs and can get heated, as people have different ideas on what is the "right" thing..but hey that is normal!

Well, if he was enough to make you want to "settle", than he must be pretty special.

While it is possible he won't come back...if he does, it will be because he KNOWS he wants to be with you! And that is a good feeling...rather than "forcing" them to stay.

Keep the faith, and see how things go. And if you need to cry, it's cool...at nights it seems the number of people doing increases a lot around here (nights are hardest sometimes!)

I could b ur old friend lol But I could be a psychopath also. Yeah I have the nights to come yet. I think that involves mindless TV programmes and lots of ice cream heheh. Comfort food mmm. I dont smoke so atleast I wont b e a chimney for the duration. I will be real devestated if he doesnt want me no more. And I know eventualy maybe sooner than others vice versa I will move on. But its so much effort. Let alone the whole going out on the look again I can't be ar*ed lol. I miss him layin next to me (On laptop in bed) Oh I'm having visions of a really dodgy show about romance now. Where the girl is layin on her bed typing away while she narrates her life. Sex in the city springs to mind.

Haha- you are him or a present life reincarnartion of him- confirmed by your love of ice cream and sex and the city ref. Confirmed!! Yes ice cream, cakes and tv are the answers to most of life's cruellest problems. Hence I am watching the terrible top of the pops as we speak...

JZ

oh life can suck can't it lol. Does anyone have a favourite song at the mo? Only asking coz I have the radion playing on my mobile. (Sexy Nokia 7200 mmmmmness) Sorry lol. Dan said to me that his past boyfriends seemed a waste now he'd met me. All of what ever he did in the past seemed just time wasting and he could have done so much more. Also that what we have means something. I used to have the same phobias about commitment. But it wasnt coz I wasnt ready or old enuf. It was just I was scared of getting bored then having to deal with letting them down. Its such a cruel harsh factor and it does happen. But with dan it does or did seem always different. Other things don't help his mind at the moment I'm sure like unemployment dont help. But ive been there. and Im there for him. Also his family don't know about his sexuality and its complicates things but we've managed.

I think him being unemployed and also not yet having told his family (thereforeeee not getting acceptance for who he really is, but rather for who they think he is) can definitely be doing things to his mind. He may be feeling insecure and really conflicted right now.

I have a lot of favourite songs right now...if I want to stay in an all over depressing attitude, I listen to my David Gray collection. I also like Nelly Furtados "I Try" since it feels like me right now, and Evanescence's "My Immortal" as they are pretty depressing too, as well as Alanis Morissette's (though I usually don't like her much at all!) "Everything" as it is what I wish my ex was feeling right now!

Ironically, depressing music makes me feel better and a lot more positive - maybe since I have music/words for how I feel, and it makes me feel less alone? But I guess too, I have noticed that I don't get sad hearing them anymore though I did before. I don't know, I cannot explain it but I feel very positive about things right now. My ex emailed me several times yesterday, and started up another email convo with me today. And we are going away tomorrow until Sunday as we have a mtn bike race and road bike race this weekend (we both compete in them). So I am looking forward to that!

We also have a 5-6 day trip at end of July mtn biking together.

Now, this does not mean we will get back together, he is SUPREMELY stubborn and will be determined not to go back on his decision to stay single at this moment in time (for year), but maybe he might be softening over time a bit or more comfortable. Not trying to get my hopes up though!

Funny dan likes My Immortal. He likes some evanescence stuff. Mixtured tho. I'm not much of a rock music fan, some is cool. I like PJ Harvey. Shes cool. And alot of club trance music. Classical, chillout or soundtracks tend to help me. They are the moment. Right now I'm listening to Thomas Newman. He did the music in the Movie "American Beauty" Gr8 movie in my opinion

Anyway guys thanx and I will check back soonish tonight. Dan is on so I will speak to him. Wish me "luck" x

Well he wanted space and I'm letting him. No texts. No calls. No seeing no chating. We didnt lay ground rules I'm just assuming if you give someone space you renounce all contact.

Hello again people. Ive been apart from dan for about 2days now and they are soooooo slow. I feel like cr*p! His best friend, shes a lesbian heard about it all on the night and she called me sayin what has haoppend and I told her and she said she will try and sort it and for me not to worrie.She knows him far better than I do, espcially right now so I'm confident in her. But I had no part in her doing this I didn't ask her. She lets me know how he is and stuff and he doesn't mind her still speaking to me. In the mean time what do I do. I felt like leaving him a Voice Message on his mobile last night but I feel asleep. Amazing sinc I havnt slept much. Should I? Could I? Just to leave him my thoughts and I was going to ask if he would Text message me sometime to let me know how he is. he might submit to the idea and take it slow. I hope? Any ideas or anything. Thanx x

Hello again people. Ive been apart from dan for about 2days now and they are soooooo slow. I feel like cr*p! His best friend, shes a lesbian heard about it all on the night and she called me sayin what has haoppend and I told her and she said she will try and sort it and for me not to worrie.She knows him far better than I do, espcially right now so I'm confident in her. But I had no part in her doing this I didn't ask her. She lets me know how he is and stuff and he doesn't mind her still speaking to me. In the mean time what do I do. I felt like leaving him a Voice Message on his mobile last night but I feel asleep. Amazing sinc I havnt slept much. Should I? Could I? Just to leave him my thoughts and I was going to ask if he would Text message me sometime to let me know how he is. he might submit to the idea and take it slow. I hope? Any ideas or anything. Thanx x

No Joe! Please don't do it! I think when he said space you should interpret that as no contact (at least from your side). Wait to hear from him. If you start trying to track him down (even if only to see how he is) he will feel hounded and also he will know what a hold he has over you. Seeing as you want neither of those things it is a bad idea to contact him. You will feel a lot better if he comes to you. In the meantime I think you need to keep yourself busy with your own life aside from him. Otherwise you fall into the position of being totally dependent on him. Both you and he need to know you can cope without him.

JZ