How successful is the whole letter-writing thing?

Hi everyone,

I have been thinking about writing a letter to my ex, not asking him to come back or anything, just to get some stuff off my chest about what happened. He wouldn't let me talk to him about this when he broke up with me. When I asked if we could talk so I could address some of the issues he brought up and clear up the misunderstandings, he said that it "smacked of putting an emotional gun" to his head. I took this to mean that he preferred to live with his misconceptions if they helped him get over us. How is this fair to me though?

Does writing a letter to someone violate the no-contact rule even if you don't expect any letter in return? Has anyone found it helpful at all? I'm not talking about an angry letter, just a retrospective one that says that I'm not asking him to come back, there are just a few things that I want him to know about me and what happened...I really miss his friendship and want him to know that I'd like to be friends if he ever feels that would be possible. I am friends with one of my exs and there is no desire for reconciliation there, just a good friendship.

I know some people have mentioned writing a letter and not sending it. Has anyone actually sent it? Did it have the desired effect? What's the protocol on the post break-up writing/sending of letters? I've had ex boyfriends send me letters and I read them and wasn't angry or anything with them for it, but I've also never told someone I broke up with that there could be no more communication.

I'd really appreciate some input on this.

Thanks!

-disEnchantid

I have been thinking about writing a letter to my ex, not asking him to come back or anything, just to get some stuff off my chest about what happened.

Just write it to yourself; it's none of his business it's between you and you only.

He wouldn't let me talk to him about this when he broke up with me.

He doesn't want you to feel any sort of justice in the break-up.

When I asked if we could talk so I could address some of the issues he brought up and clear up the misunderstandings, he said that it "smacked of putting an emotional gun" to his head. I took this to mean that he preferred to live with his misconceptions if they helped him get over us. How is this fair to me though?

That depends, do you mean misconecptions on how he acted or misconceptions on how you acted?

If it is how you acted then he feels that you have disrespected him and that he isn't going to let you get away with it.

It it is how he acted then he doesn't want you to feel just in believeing the way he acted was a reason for the breakup.

Does writing a letter to someone violate the no-contact rule even if you don't expect any letter in return? Has anyone found it helpful at all? I'm not talking about an angry letter, just a retrospective one that says that I'm not asking him to come back, there are just a few things that I want him to know about me and what happened...I really miss his friendship and want him to know that I'd like to be friends if he ever feels that would be possible. I am friends with one of my exs and there is no desire for reconciliation there, just a good friendship.

If he is looking for a lifelong partner then there is no reason to emphasize anything about friendship, as he clearly does not want to be second in a females life.

He may act friendly to you, just not "buddy buddy..."

I wouldn't contact him at all....

I know some people have mentioned writing a letter and not sending it. Has anyone actually sent it? Did it have the desired effect? What's the protocol on the post break-up writing/sending of letters? I've had ex boyfriends send me letters and I read them and wasn't angry or anything with them for it, but I've also never told someone I broke up with that there could be no more communication.

Considering that he is a mature individual he might read it and not write you back. Responding to one of those types of letters just seems childish to me. You can if you want, but you might feel just as good if you wrote it and didn't send it.

I know how you feel. Its kind of like out of sight out of mind. Your trying to find the most gentle approach to talking to him so that he doesnt just forget about you. He wont forget about you though. The absense of an important person in your life helps you realize what they mean to you. Theres no guarantee but he may want to be friends and need to talk to you sooner or later. Sometimes people go running back to what they left. But dont count on any of that at all. I say try real hard to let him be for a bit longer and see what happens. I know its hard to imagine but after a while you may not care if you talk to him or not. Take advantage of this freedom to focus on yourself. Thats what I'm trying to do right now.

yes.....this DOES break the no contact rule....

If you write a letter, make sure it's for you, and I'd really advise you DON'T send it while you're still dealing with the feelings you seem to be.

Get all your feelings and frustrations and hurt written down for yourself, just to vent it out of your system in full - when you know nobody else is going to see it, there's no need to hold back on little things you worry might seem petty or trivial to someone else, you're only writing it for yourself. And this is something you need to purge if you're going to really start down the road to healing.

No, it's not fair that he doesn't want to clear things with you - but there are going to be a LOT of things like that. You can hang on to that and let it make you bitter - or let it go as his failing or issue that he isn't ready or willing to deal with what you might say. If you're going to be friends with him down the road - this is something about him you'll have to accept as something that will probably surface again. Let it go as his problem, not yours.

When you're really emotionally ready to be only friends, when your feelings aren't at real risk from his reaction either positive or negative - if you still truly want his friendship then, you can extend an olive branch. Until you're past the feelings he's left you to deal with - this is an open door for them to be scraped raw again, so put yourself first and give yourself that space to heal and regroup.

No, it's not fair that he doesn't want to clear things with you - but there are going to be a LOT of things like that. You can hang on to that and let it make you bitter - or let it go as his failing or issue that he isn't ready or willing to deal with what you might say. If you're going to be friends with him down the road - this is something about him you'll have to accept as something that will probably surface again. Let it go as his problem, not yours.

The Morrigan, with all due respects I have to interject. I don't know if this was the girls or guys intention, but girls often times very immature girls will want some closure at the end of a relationship to make them feel better at the guys emotional expense. The guys self defense mechanism is to not let the girl feel the justification in which she believes she deserves.

It's like I said I can't say that this is what is actually happening, since some details about the break-up where not given by the poster, but it is a very typical senerio among younger couples.

hi hero

We were not a very young couple, we are both in our mid twenties. I don't feel that I was being immature in wanting to defend myself against his accusations that were simply untrue. His personal insecurities made him question my intentions, and he accused me of only going out with him out of convenience. In actuality I was deeply in love with him for the person that he was, and I wanted him to know that he is an amazing person who is deserving of love. His past experiences made him question this constantly, it upset me terribly that he would even question the nature of my love for him, I had tried so hard in my own way to let him know why I loved him and that he was appreciated. Please know that I am very sensitive to people's feelings, and was not looking to play with his emotions for my own benefit. I just did not want him leaving the relationship thinking that he was not loved for who he was.

Also, I remember reading in one of your posts that you thought women were "illogical" and that they like to throw "BS" at men. You seem to have a very negative perception of women, which makes me wonder why you come to this site to offer advice to people who are suffering through break ups. I promise you that we are not all manipulative, insensitive, selfish, immature and illogical. Please try to be more sensitive in your posts to the woman's side of the story.

-dE

well if you want to say it to him then you should, only i had that problem a while ago and i wrote my ex like a million letters and the reason for that is because i didn't think that he was really getting it. so i would write him again and again and believe me i can get a lot more out in a letter, but you know they might not read it. so i started to talk to him in person. now i had to totally controle my emotions or he would leave, but i noticed that if i was calm and i listend to him and asked him when it was my turn to speack to not cut in and just to listen that i got a lot further with him.

well good luck.

love Qtpie87

We were not a very young couple, we are both in our mid twenties. I don't feel that I was being immature in wanting to defend myself against his accusations that were simply untrue.

I did not mean to accuse you of anything by that statement, and I am sorry if you felt offense at it. I was meerly trying to explain how he felt when he broke up with you, and if that wasn't your intention then I can say with gladness that you are one of the few good women on this earth.

The problem is that he more than likely did not have very good relationships with girls when he was younger and has trust issues and baggage left over from it. For all he knows you could be very familiar with the emotional tactics young girls use against guys and felt you were doing the same to him.

His personal insecurities made him question my intentions, and he accused me of only going out with him out of convenience. In actuality I was deeply in love with him for the person that he was, and I wanted him to know that he is an amazing person who is deserving of love.

A man who has nothing but negitive relationships and disrespect from women will not know what a good relationship is even when it hits him smack in the face....

His past experiences made him question this constantly, it upset me terribly that he would even question the nature of my love for him, I had tried so hard in my own way to let him know why I loved him and that he was appreciated.

Hence the emotional tactic I quoted above that girls use against guys at the end of negitive relationships.

Please know that I am very sensitive to people's feelings, and was not looking to play with his emotions for my own benefit. I just did not want him leaving the relationship thinking that he was not loved for who he was.

Blame the girls before you. They helped to form his opinions against you.

Also, I remember reading in one of your posts that you thought women were "illogical" and that they like to throw "BS" at men. You seem to have a very negative perception of women, which makes me wonder why you come to this site to offer advice to people who are suffering through break ups. I promise you that we are not all manipulative, insensitive, selfish, immature and illogical. Please try to be more sensitive in your posts to the woman's side of the story.

You are talking about the post here....

link removed

You are entirely taking what I said out of context.

I was helping a guy who is apprently stuck in the friend zone.

I did not blame women in the circumstance, I was actually telling the guy and all other men that if a woman puts you in the frind zone then you did something to make her feel that she can not feel an attraction for you.

Maybe perhaps I was a little strong in calling it "a load of bs", but no one really likes to be put in the friendzone. When you are out looking for a potential mate being called a "friend" isn't something you would want to hear, and is an indication of problems. Especially if the girl feels she has to emphasize friend...

Read what I said, read both of the quotations....

"Once you have progressed to the "friend" zone it is hard, but not impossible to get out of it. It's probably the biggest load of BS that a woman could throw at you, but it's something all men have to hear and deal with at some point in their lives."

"Really the only person you can blame when a girl tries emphasizing that you are her "friend" is yourself. Somewhere you screwed up with her and made her disinterested in forming any sort of romantic relationship with you."

I don't believe that all women are bad, and I don't think that you are bad necessarily. I'm sorry if you felt that I judged you you may not actually be at fault for the relationship. Sorry for the misunderstanding...

The one thing you said that I can not repeal is that women are very illogical when it comes to relationships, that is a fact.

Women can argue left and right that they arn't, but the proof is in the men that they chase. That's all I'm going to say.....

Thanks for the explanation--you were very right, he had been hurt pretty badly by the first woman he loved. I think it may have made it difficult for him to trust women or commit to a real relationship at all.

PS I don't think women are any more illogical than men are when it comes to relationships, perhaps we are all made a little crazy by all of it?