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Thread: I still don't understand. Is It Me?

  1. #1
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    Dec 2002
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    I still don't understand. Is It Me?

    I wrote in here a few times back over the summer. I'm the one who had a rough streak, a couple of major health problems, death of my mother, dissolution of my family and some friendships, job difficulties, tanking on a major entrance exam, finally culminating in being dumped by my girlfriend in May. Perhaps because it is the end of the worst year of my life, I am taking stock and remembering all that happened earlier this year.

    Now I know why losing my GF a half year ago was so devastating (even more so than most break ups). Breaking up is never easy, but this time it was particularly difficult. This is because over the last 1.5 years, I was in a losing pattern. Losing health. Losing a parent. Losing friends. Losing family ties. Potential for losing my job. Losing any decent chance to get into grad school. Losing innocence on 9/11 as all of us did. The final straw was losing my GF, the one thing I thought was stable and assured in my life.

    Of course, relationships and love are never assured. But after I had lost so many things, none of them trivial, I could hardly stand losing the woman I loved. Part of it was that I was smitten by this girl two years before we ever dated; I built up this powerful feeling towards her, and build up an idealistic notion of what a relationship with her would be like. It was like, "finally we are together!" and things were as they should have been. And things were good for quite some time.

    Then the string of really tough events happened, and I guess by May my GF had had enough. Nevermind the fact that earlier in the relationship she told me how great I was, how lucky she was to share her life with such a great guy, how no guy had treated her the way I did. Nevermind the fact that she assured me, this desperate guy clinging on to whatever he could at the time, that I could be however I needed to be, I could be myself, not to worry, she wasn't going anywhere. Sure I probably wasn't the most cheery guy at the time, then again I wasn't a miserable selfish jerk either. Nevermind the fact that I put 90% into the relationship whereas she maybe put in 10% and never cared about me nearly as much as I did for her. Of course not long after being assured that everything was OK and she wasn't going anywhere, that she would be there for me, she dumps me. Right after she said that we can work through our minor relationship issues, all optimistic. There was no explanation other than we "are too different, going in different directions." No clarification. No closure. I did nothing but treat her with love and respect, and this is how it ended. No matter what I tried to do just to get her to *talk* with me, and try to rekindle, she didn't budge.

    Needless to say I was confused, devastated and lonely for pretty much the entire summer. Of course everyone has the right to end the relationship they are in if they aren't happy. But given the state I was in, given that I didn't do any major thing that was bad like put her down, cheat on her etc., I felt like I deserved more than being dumped cold without any warning like a piece of garbage. She didn't even have the decency to say we were breaking up; she used the ol' time and space line on me, probably figuring hey, I'll keep him around so I can have the attention. Only when I went up to her place in July and caught her with the new boyfriend (the one she told me the day before she didn't have) did I realize that it was really over. Then on top of it she had to yell at me, how happy she was that I was seeing this, how she had been "miserable" and never loved me, how I needed to just move on. She wrote me an e-mail the next morning (we work together) saying so sorry, best of luck, take care now. I replied with a loving, amicable e-mail saying I will miss her very much but I could not have her in my life on any level.

    And that was the last contact I ever had with her, about 5 months ago. Since then, I have passed her many times at work and we don't speak to each other. In fact she turns her head from me as if I wasn't even there. I see her from time to time at work, smiling and happy, usually looking fantasic. I have a new GF of my own now, who says she loves me, I am the greatest etc etc which is great reinforcement, and I am so glad to have someone in my life again, and someone who appreciates me. Of course I have heard it all before. And what's more, even though I have someone new and months have passed, fact of the matter is I still miss my ex. Whenever I see her it feels like my heart is being ripped out. All the pain, all the humiliation comes back, not as strong as it was but it is still there. I have to admit, I have a strong feeling of dislike for my ex, more so than ever. Now that I look back and see how things went down. And I feel justified in feeling this way, and I am glad that she is out of my life and I don't need selfish people like her in my life anymore. But I still miss her, I even shed a tear over her once in a while. And what hurts perhaps most of all is that unlike what happens with most people, she never once tried to get in touch with me for any reason. Not to say "just wondering how you are," "hope all is well," "happy birthday," "happy holidays," "I'm sorry for what happened," let alone any sentiment of knowing she lost a good thing and wanting it back. That makes me all the more hurt and angry.

    So even though I am much better and I know there are a lot of people on here who are lonely and hurting (I am sorry, and I know you will be better in the future if you hang in there), take solace when your ex's offer some kind of contact and sentiment down the road. It means you were worth something to them, at least they have thought about you and the relationship. I don't even have that. Just the confusion and bitterness of giving so much to someone, only to have her not give me or our relationship a second thought after she cut it loose. Sure maybe it says things about her more than anything else; fact of the matter is, apparently all of that love and sweat and tears on my part didn't mean a damn, and she could care less on any level.

    Cheers, and happy holidays. May 2003 be a whole lot better than 2002.

  2. #2
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    Dec 2002
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    Hey Dan

    Well, you wrote a long one. It really sucks to have relationship problems on the holiday, i know because i am having trouble with my ex. The kind of trouble where, "yay" she talked to me after 2 months of not talking after a break up. She talked to me because the guy she got with a couple days after we broke up dumped her. I kind of got the feeling i was being used... but just in case i wasn't, i hung with her. She is very stuborn and i decided to not talk to her, that lasted 6 days until she emailed me asking how i was, then again, i IMed her and we we were together again. Last night i just wanted to see her "hey wanna go out after work" "NO< IM BUSY, I hAVE A LIVE TOO". she ed me out. today she ed me out, now shes "being nice". probably because tomorrow is christmas and doens't want to mess it up. I dont know what to do, i dont think im going to talk to her, but i probably will again in about a week. I dont think i should give her the gifts i got her because they are very nice, a necklace etc... anyway.. you are probably wondering why i am telling you this and what it has to do with what you wrote... most likely, hte reason she isn't asking you how you are, and doens't talk to you is because she is with someone. My ex didn't talk to me when she was with someone. You have a GF now, and i understand what you mean when you say you still miss your ex, even though you are with someone. 4 years ago a girl broke up with me, and i went out with someone a few months later, and i still missed my ex. I missed her several GF's later, and that ruined stuff. Its best to get over her first. However, if you are like me, you dont really want to be alone. I dont want to sound stupid, or weak, but i think it will take me a new relationship to get over my ex. I dont get all upset anymore, but i do miss her, and im sick of being treated lik sh%*. I dont like getting told off etc.... You went through alot and she disappeared so fast. That must be hard. Hang in there, try not ot think of her. You work at the same place, get a new job. Thats all i can say/ It may be hard in this economy, i dont know what business you are in, but it may be benificial to work someplace else, or get a transfer. The good thing about her not talking to you at all is, you dont have to be confused if she likes you or not. Ive been in wishy/washy situations where i dont know if she likes me, or if she is using me. If you worry or wonder, chances are your worries are lagit. Good luck, and my email is posted to this if you want to email me...

    Ken

  3. #3
    Member Lightingbird's Avatar
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    Dealing with Anger and pain

    To both of you...

    The hurt and anger will not go away for awhile. Not until you are so happy that your stomach hurts when you laugh, your heart feels very warm again to a new love, and your focus is upon advancing your life and your children.

    But it will happen...

    Take a moment and think about everything that happened. From start to finish. Think of all that bad times. Now remember the good ones.

    Smile.

    Now yell out all of your aggressions.

    Smile and tell yourself why you are glad that you are no longer with this ex-love.

    Remind yourself that you are special and will get better.

    Smile again.

    And for now on when your ex-love crosses your mind, think of the good times together not to bad and then quickly move your thoughts to something else.

    But above all be strong, be positive and remember things will get better.


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