Shyness and Anxiety Ruining My Relationship - Please Help!

I wondered if someone might be able to help me shed some light on my current situation with my partner - if so, I would really really appreciate it.

I have been with my partner (who is much older than I am, so much so we feel awkward holding hands in public because of what people may think) for two years now. The last few months have been dreadful. Well, really it's been dreadful on-an-off since I discovered he had cheated on me in the beginning with multiple women. I was due to move to Singapore to begin a new job not too long after we met, so I've learnt that from his perspective the relationship could go nowhere which is why he was sleeping with other women - even though he told me that he loved me. I was in Singapore for two months and it didn't work out, so I returned home to the UK and we resumed the relationship (which I thought was long-distance).

When I found out about the other women I was so humiliated and hurt, and although I found out about this over a year ago now I'm still hurting today. His response was, "I don't know what I did wrong". I've tried to analyse it from different perspectives but I still can't shake the hurt feeling. We don't talk about it anymore.

Occasionally, it is lovely to be with him and cosy and nice and I forget about the beginning and the other women. But since I miscarried in September last year (he didn't want to have a baby but I was devastated) and halted my postgraduate studies for 12 months my anxiety levels have risen considerably. To the point where sometimes I find it difficult just to leave the house to go to the corner shop. I am already quite painfully shy and this makes it much worse. When this happens, my partner becomes extremely frustrated with me, shouting at me and even laughing at my inability to leave. This hurts so much but I can't tell him how I feel because it will turn into another argument and because of my shyness, I find it really hard to articulate the point I'd like to make out loud...he constantly interrupts when I feel brave enough to say something, and everything I say is laughed off and definitely wrong through his eyes. I have ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom, on my own. I think he sees this as an enormous source of weakness.

Today, my anxiety was so bad this morning I felt that I could not go to a job interview at a bank. My partner was so angry, he told me how 'pissed off' he was with me and that he couldn't do it anymore, this relationship wasn't want he wanted. I understand that my anxiety sometimes must be frustrating to someone who is always so in control of everything and everyone around him (he owns an IT company) and I never make a point of talking about it or justifying it (I'm really embarrassed about it). I have spent all day applying for jobs now, but I feel so terrible about myself. I'm afraid to make a wrong move in front of my partner in case he shouts. At the moment he is completely ignoring me (which he has done before many times), I'm sat in the bedroom writing this and crying. I don't know what to do. I have only just stopped my studies (one week ago) so it hasn't been that long.

I have never argued before with anybody in my life! But I love him and so I always apologise to him, even if I haven't done anything wrong.

I grew up with a highly abusive father (who is now estranged) so was very anxious when I was young. Nowadays it barely comes back at all, but at the moment I really don't want it to ruin the relationship I have.

Well, being raised by an abusive father explains why you're so willing to put up with an extremely abusive boyfriend -- you equate abuse with love. Your father hurt your confidence and self-esteem and you're allowing your boyfriend to continue it. Now you're having anxiety attacks and are physically sick because of the abuse. And you still don't want to leave your boyfriend. Of course, that's because you don't really love the guy, it's because you're emotionally dependent on him. You're so afraid that no one will ever love you that you're unwilling to leave your abusive relationship even though it's physically hurting you and your ability to support yourself.

You should Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency." You will see everything you've described. The walking on eggshells. The fear that you will do something to set your boyfriend off. But the funny thing is your boyfriend will just keep on picking more and more things just to be able to control and manipulate you.

Oh, by the way, cheating on you is part of the emotional abuse. The abuse gets you to be afraid to confront him and to make you accept it.

The really sad part is your statement that "I really don't want to ruin the relationship I have." Do you really have a relationship? Or are you an emotional slave? Your boyfriend walks all over you. Does he even have sex with you anymore? Or is that the only kindness he shows you?

Hopefully, you will realize the trouble you're in. I urge you to read about emotional abuse and understand the position you're in. And you have to make exit plans to get away from this guy as quickly as possible.

"But I love him and so I always [apologize] to him, even if I haven't done anything wrong."

- You're confusing genuine love with a common symptom of emotional abuse.

You need to dump this creep and get into therapy.

If you both are too embarrased to hold hands in public AND have been together for 2 years, I feel there is no true love. If age did not come into play when you both formed a relationship, I do not see why it should affect public signs of affection. I had a boyfriend who was 4 years older than me and I endured a year of emotional abuse from him. I suggest you leave him and think for yourself, sweetheart. Do not let someone damage you in any format- you should not feel obligated to go through that. Wish you the best.