No contact is helping!, day 21

I read a lot of 'no contact count posts' when Im going through something as it helps me during my own time. So I hope this helps someone too and any comments appreciated. He broke it off with me, and by broke it off, we were talking marriage future babies, etc. He was blowing hot and cold often, he'd broke it off once before and back then he wanted to be 'friends' which I can do with ex's (after some time usually) however, I felt comfortable to do that. it wasn't okay for him it seemed as he would make comments that showed he still had feelings for me which would make it awkward, (e.g. he saw a picture of me out once as a profile pic and commented i seemed to be 'moving on quickly' and he certainly wasnt over me yet) and it would give me false hope. He seems to be the type who doesnt want to commit to me but doesnt want anyone else to have me either. So needless to say I was struck, the usual heartache, I sent him a long email telling him the things I loved about him (never really do that) he was still 'unsure' and it was obvious if that couldnt sway him, nothing would (I still tried with some more texts though). I decided to save the rest of my dignity (you always end up regretting begging), blocked his numbers and sent his emails to junk. NC began. I was in bed a recluse, totally down. I was forced into the world between week 1/2 as I had an interview for a job I really wanted. Just as I thought I wouldnt hear from him at all and I genuinely wanted to know how he was/hear from him?, DAY 16(ish) I got an email asking how I am. I ignored it. I've had a bad experience with breadcrumbs and if you let an ex run you in circles like that some of them will. He's not used to that, so DAY 18 I get an email stating 'I must not have answered because Ive moved on either way he wants to know how I am) I ignored it because of the hinting at jealousy - which in the past used to make me think oh! he must like me because hes getting jealous and i'd be pathetically happy not realising it still doesn't mean he wants me and in essence it's just his ego missing the attention he was getting and it's not good enough - still a breadcrumb.

I wouldnt have had the strength to see that for what it was had I not gone NC. Staying friends too early clouds your mind and you hold on in a clingy, fearful way not a loving, independent way. To love someone properly you need to be in a healthy state of mind and love them because you WANT to not because you dont know how to live without them or whatever mix of thoughts we have.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so immature that i can never handle being friends with an ex, and a person breaking up with me = them being 'evil'. I've dumped and been dumped, however, I had specifically asked for space and time before I could be friends again, which considering the heartache is reasonable and something I myself give when I break up with someone. Hell, if they never wanted to hear from me again I understand that too. It's this breach of space that has annoyed me, unless he wants to reconcile he's just pushing boundaries as he's not used to me being so unavailable at his every beck and call.

DAY 20 he upgraded to texting me a bunch of question marks. So he's getting annoyed by the space I'm putting between us. in NC getting the ex back game - my NC is working. I would love for it to do that, but now I see its bigger than that. NC is letting me heal even if he never asks me to reconcile. Im not so healed that I don't wish for it, or think about it. but the fact he's still choosing to send me little things like that instead of either asking for me back or respecting my space and wait for me to contact him when I'm feeling okay to, is annoying me. If anything it's making me realise how important being independent of a person and never being clingy/fearful is - it doesn't matter if you love them, you end up tipping the scales in a negative way. I've moved on from the sad stage to the anger stage Im guessing by my emotions. I haven't decided what I'll do day 30, todays day 21 and the first day I didnt count and realise the count. Progress is being made!

What a great post. Thank you for sharing it. I'm on day four of NC and at this point it's still agony. This officially marks the longest we've been out of contact since the day we met, November 1st 2014. Our longest prior gap was three days right after the initial break up, and he broke it. I'm not sure if he'll break this time or not, but if he does I hope I can be as strong as you have been!

What a great post. Thank you for sharing it. I'm on day four of NC and at this point it's still agony. This officially marks the longest we've been out of contact since the day we met, November 1st 2014. Our longest prior gap was three days right after the initial break up, and he broke it. I'm not sure if he'll break this time or not, but if he does I hope I can be as strong as you have been!

no worries I hope its going well for you?