Discreet Gay: It's Difficult To Accept The Reality: Am I The Only One?

Ok, so basically I'm gay, but I'm very discreet - straight-acting, no trace, and never had any sexual or intimate encounter with another discreet guy in my life. In fact, know one knows I'm gay, except for this guy who became my gym buddy from having met him in a so-called "gay" site. I recently turned eighteen, and joined a gay community site, by the initials of "PR", solely out of curiosity, and to, perhaps, try to know what's going on with the gay community, at the very least (and the possibility of meeting a special friend whom I share similar interests and sexuality with).

I don't have any issues with my sexuality, because I completely love the way I am, and generally what I do here on earth. I'm decent, great-looking, takes care of myself, a busy person, and values life. So the sexuality is no issue. However, I just don't understand and find it so distressing that most gays (including bisexuals - I'm pertaining to discreet gays to be specific, since I get creeped out by the one's who are out and effeminate) are just into sex, lust, etc. and most (apparently, all based from my experience) of them doesn't give any importance with the morality issue with having sex with different guys, so on and so forth. Their philosophy is like, "It's ok to play around. I can have fun any time I want!" (based from experience) That kind of lifestyle or mindset totally turns me off and intrigues me. I mean, yes, I feel an association with these guys because, technically, I belong to them, and that's the main reason why I feel so affected and annoyed at some point. I'm somehow stuck in a delusion, which I hope is no delusion.

At some points in my life, I feel like I'm isolated because of two reasons: (1) I feel like there's no right and decent discreet gay that I can be with, and (2) I kept on subliminally searching, yet just gets disappointed at every end. I keep a hectic, busy schedule; I'm a top-performing student; I have tons of stuff to get busy with; but every now and then, those ambiguities and thoughts of of the gay community bothers me. To set it clearly, what mainly bothers me is finding out that a gay had sexual experiences with another gay. I don't know if that's odd for me to feel that way. It's as if I care for that person already that I need him to be at his safest and moral state.

Hey

can I just ask if it's the fact that most of the gay guys seem to be waaaay too into the "scene" and mess around like it's no ones business and act really camp and queen like?? x

Sexuality is not a team sport. Being gay doesn't mean you have to identify with any particular group or have any particular character traits, even if there are certain stereotypes associated with homosexuality. It's a shame that you haven't met anyone who's gay and shares your world view, but don't assume that that means such a person doesn't exist. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that you're insulting a huge number of people by suggesting that you're the only gay person in the world not obsessed with sex.

Do you think that part of the problem might be that nobody knows you're gay? It sounds like the kind of person you're looking for is the kind of person where it might not be at all obvious that they're gay, in which case it's hardly surprising you haven't found them. Making sure people know that you are might be one way of making some progress. You don't have to be effeminate or promiscuous; it's enough just to mention it in conversation if it happens to come up. I truly hope that you live in a society or country where people won't judge you for your sexuality and you are free to talk about it openly.

It's understandable to want to find someone who hasn't had sexual experiences before. You do need to come to terms with the fact that everyone has their own life, though. It's regrettable but certainly not morally wrong to have had past relationships that didn't work out. I think the respect and trust two people have for each other in the present is more important than the choices they might have made in the past.

Love,

-Roc

Hey

 

can I just ask if it's the fact that most of the gay guys seem to be waaaay too into the "scene" and mess around like it's no ones business and act really camp and queen like?? x

No. In fact, there are a lot of gays who are not out, aka discreet.

Considering what you wrote it is not surprising to me that you might feel that you are the only one, and that you feel isolated. I am pretty sure you don't mean to be insulting to a great many people, but you actually are. There are a great many gay people who openly live in monogamous long term relationships, who aren't interested in casual hook ups, and who would fit your view of morality.

Having said all that I would say though that these things should really only be important to you in a life partner, but to a lesser extent in your friends. As long as they treat you with respect there are a great many guys out there who can enrich your life, challenge you as a human being, and all that good stuff. Some of those people are more comfortable with a more casual attitude towards sex, do these things really matter when you are playing racquet ball? You are not really sharing that part of your life with then. Probably the best way to meet a life partner is through your real life social network, and you are denying yourself that opportunity. Added to that, it probably is possible to have a life partner when you are completely in the closet, and don't have any friends to complement your relationship, but very difficult to maintain in the long run. Just my opinion.

I'll add if I may. Just because you have more conservative views on sex, that doesn't make you more moral than a person who has more liberal views. Things like honesty and having respect for others do. You can be honest and still have liberal views. Personally I have conservative views on relationships as well but that doesn't make me more moral than a lot of my friends. They can accept me the way I am and the other way around. I don't get why you would be creeped out. I don't get anyone's need to impose their morality.

I'll add if I may. Just because you have more conservative views on sex, that doesn't make you more moral than a person who has more liberal views. Things like honesty and having respect for others do. You can be honest and still have liberal views. Personally I have conservative views on relationships as well but that doesn't make me more moral than a lot of my friends. They can accept me the way I am and the other way around. I don't get why you would be creeped out. I don't get anyone's need to impose their morality.

I'm not claiming that I'm more moral than most people, especially gays. In fact, I think that morality of issue with sex is different than most morality issues, like dishonesty, greed, gluttony, etc. Basing from the seven deadly sins, lust is just something that I find the most destructive, thus trying to evade from it. And again, this is coming from my personal opinion.

I'm aware that I may have insulted a lot of people, but who are they to be insulted? The ones that should be insulted are the ones that must be guilty from the statements I've pointed out - having polygamous "hidden" relationships, numerous sexual encounters, and such. I'm not calumniating, to start off with. The "lots" from lots of people (gays) getting insulted is just an indication that lots (majority) of gays are clearly the opposite of what I deem as moral. There should be no objections about it, since my statements are based from personal experiences - my personal experiences.

It seems like you're jumping into conclusion that "I'm the only one who claims to be that moral, decent gay." My statement is, rather, a comparison of the percentage of who's moral and who isn't, based from the basis of 'the gays I've known/met". Of course, I'm obviously not the only guy who I claim I am. Such fact just calls that it is, indeed, rare to meet that quintessential kind of gay I want to be with - majority vs. minority.

I have to set an objection with your statement, "Sexuality is not a team sport." There are associated stereotypes with sexuality, to clarify. This is like generalizing the straight guys, straight girls, gay guys, lesbian girls, etc. Of course, there are certain characteristics that each group share in common - and admit it, you do notice it. However, I'm not going beyond as far that I'm generalizing gays as a total whole, like totally neglecting the others, those who are inferior and rare to find. Of course, they still exist. The general only refers to what is the 'majority' - what is the general term that is coined for gays, for example.

"I truly hope that you live in a society or country where people won't judge you for your sexuality and you are free to talk about it openly." - I don't need to live in a country that accepts sexuality. Acceptance is not an issue for my sexuality. In the first place, I'm naturally a straight-acting guy, with no trace of being gay, and I prefer to be that way, regardless of others feelings about it.

- I don't need to live in a country that accepts sexuality. Acceptance is not an issue for my sexuality. In the first place, I'm naturally a straight-acting guy, with no trace of being gay, and I prefer to be that way, regardless of others feelings about it.

But what kind of a life are you living having to hide who you are? To what extent do you go through making sure that no one finds out? It is one thing to say my sexuality is my business, but that is really not the issue. How hard will it be having to hide your relationship when you find someone?

On morality I guess generally speaking a person who steals, murders, disrespects others are what I (and most) would consider less moral than a person who is honest, respects other people's property, care and consideration about not hurting other people. Morality has got nothing to do with sex directly the way you put it. For example when you talk about "hidden relationships" I am assuming when that person is in a relationship with someone else, again you can easily separate the sex out of the equation and say that person is dishonest, lying, and potentially hurt that person.

Hmmmm. Reading this im not sure what the point is. Are we on a debate or is this about trying to help someone or what? Just for the record, im a closet homo but thats my life. Im not hiding or living a lie. What i do at home behind a closed door is only my business. Just my thoughts and how i was raised.

I totally agree with the fact that most gays out there are either totally based on looks or sex. I'm a discreet gay as well; I come off straight-acting to a lot of ppl at first, but once they get to know me, they understand why I'm gay. Based on that, in the world I live in (predominantly homophobic), even the out, effeminate gay guys are more accepted because "at least they know what to expect". But gay guys like me are too perplexing and it doesn't fit their stereotype of what a gay person actually is to them. This frustrates me as well because it makes me wonder, Should I jump on the bandwagon and fit in with the stereotype in order to be "counted" or should I stay true to myself and stand for what I believe is the right way for myself to live?

Although I don't believe the biggest issue lies with sexual morality, I think it lies with the outside perception of the gay community and how that plays a part in how we live and make ourselves look to those that look upon us.

Should I jump on the bandwagon and fit in with the stereotype in order to be "counted" or should I stay true to myself and stand for what I believe is the right way for myself to live?

You should stay true to yourself and stand for what you believe in what is the right way for you to live. I will say that if you decide to live very discreetly as a gay man it will be easy for you to be discriminated, marginalized and for the most part very difficult to find and maintain a long healthy relationship.

It's not like I'm in the closet or anything but I'm not one to flaunt my sexuality either. That's what I meant by discreet. Thanks for your advice though, luke.

It's not like I'm in the closet or anything but I'm not one to flaunt my sexuality either. That's what I meant by discreet. Thanks for your advice though, luke.

I am not sure what that means exactly, one could say hetero's flaunt their sexuality all the time, everywhere you look. Lets for example say you went to a gay bar over the weekend, is that flaunting your sexuality to tell your friends when they ask where you went? I guess it is not so much your friends not knowing, it is to what lengths to you go out of your way not to tell them. What things to you do or avoid to do on purpose to make sure nobody finds out.

Well I must tell you that you are not alone in finding the whole gay dating culture distressing and merely affiliated to lust and sex. I have always been reluctant to even the thought of dating someone who is gay, merely due to the general existence of promiscuity in the gay culture. I find promiscuity merely as a self-destructive path for myself, being blessed with a very sensitive central nervous system. Due to a lot of social and internal rejections, I have grown into a very jealous person, and founding a promiscuous relationship seems like a bad choice for myself. Hence, finding someone with similar issues, might be a good idea but remember that decision of choosing your future path, have to be made by you alone. I would suggest that if you are in peace with yourself, you should very thoughtfully make your own decision of your own future path. You may find online many people with fears similar to yours, who are not looking for promiscuous relationships, and so on and so forth. But to physically meet the people with similar needs/beliefs, the decision has to be made by you alone. It's not very different from a straight relationship. You think girls don't get scared of hanging out with guys? Maybe new morals are promiscuity, and you need to go against the morals.

I still think you get out of life what you put into it. You are not being fair to the so called "gay culture" if all you are putting into connecting with the "gay culture" is through online chats and dating sites. I am sure there is a lot of lust and sex in the str8 chatrooms and dating sites aswell. If you are not willing to go out and put yourself out there volunteer in areas with a higher percentage of gay people for example, or gay support groups, etc., then you are more likely going to connect with people who are players and also not willing to put themselves out there and make real connections with others.

I just read it. And while i am reading it its like i'm the one writing it. I'm 21, discreet gay. I look and act like a dude. I'm not trying. It's just that this is me. For now. I can't find yet a person/gay who is not into sex. I'm so PROUD to say that I'm VIRGIN. NEVER BEEN KISSED AND NEVER BEEN TOUCH BY SOMEONE. Fool they say. But hey, I'm just being morally upright. Been trying to visit gay sites. But I can't find a guy that can meet my expectations. Woops. I'm kind'a picky. Really picky. But i have the right. Because I'm living morally. I repect those other gays! I respect everyone. 😇😇😇 PEACE 😇😇😇