Marriage.....to wed or not to wed..

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 7 years. We've always talked about getting married and have a child or two. For awhile I really thought an engagment was right around the corner. Needless to say, it hasn't happened. I'm starting to think that he's making excuses just to keep me around. He knows I want a family and I used to be very confident that he wanted the same. I never wanted to give him an ultimatum cuz I never wanted to feel that I forced him into marrying me. On the other hand, I'm getting tired of waiting for what seems like empty promises. Doesn't help either that ALL his married friends told him not to get married. He says he's gonna find out on his own but who knows. Don't know whether to keep pushing for a decision from him....whether he wants to take our relationship and make a bigger commitment or if he prefers to be single and hang out with his friends whenever he wants.....or should I leave him alone and see what happens (don't really wanna wait another 7 years!!)

Thoughts??

Welcome to eNotAlone.

This may be key:

Doesn't help either that ALL his married friends told him not to get married.

Eventually an ultamatim comes. Talk to him about it. He needs philosphy, maybe you too. Just tell him you don't wanna be alone, so if you don't get married soon, then the relationship is in vain.

Girls know early on if the guy is marraige material. Talk about it up to the ultamatum. Depends on how much "love" there is........And I don't mean feelings.

Don't think they were joking. Of all his close friends, they're all married with the exception of one that is going through a divorce. His friends seem happy to me but apparently they think differently...?

This is something we've talked about many times in the past. I've told him over and over again...that I'm not going to wait forever. I don't think he takes me seriously though. Just scared to go through with the obvious next step and risk losing him forever.

Hi Heartacheinoc,

If you search on the forum, you'll find some other posts from women in the same boat as you. You might also get responses from people who will tell you if you "really love" him, you would stay with him, whether he marries you or not.

What you need to do is look inside yourself. If marriage and family is important to you, you might have to consider leaving him. If you wait another seven years, you'll be 34 and your bio clock will be ticking. It's hard for us women as we can't really wait as long as men to get started on families. And what if he still doesn't want to get married even then?

I think you need to figure this out soon while you are still young and not tether yourself to a man who will either not marry you or marry you begrudgingly (meaning inevitable disaster in the future).

I've seen some really great advice from people to women like yourself on this forum before, so I hope they chime in.

And who cares what his friends say. Sucks for them that they're unhappy, but that should not influence your boyfriend and how he feels about you.

If marriage & family is what you want for your future and he's not willing to give you that, than maybe step back from this relationship (do you live together? if so perhaps move out?). Not as a ultimatum because like you said of course you don't want to force him into it. But as rather as a step towards the future you want. If you step back & he than realizes marrying you IS what he wants, than he will come to you. But if you step back he doesn't come, than it's better to know now than in another 7 years.

perhap he's seeing it as in...why bother? he's got everything right now. But you don't. And you shouldn't settle.

We used to live together but I moved out (long story) basically it's almost the same situation....I thought if I moved out he'd have a wake up call and he did for awhile....now he's comfortable again. Should have mentioned this before but 3 years ago, he was very mean towards to me....for months, telling me he didn't need me, he could always find someone easily if I left him. I cheated on him...unintentionally. I just got needed attention from someone else and unfortunately that just put our whole situation (post-break-up) kinda in his hands. Now he throws that in my face when we fight. I tried buying books that could help with us moving forward and we even did counseling and in therapy found out he didn't want to move back in with me or get engaged, not because of trust issues, but because he likes his freedom. Totally shocked me cuz the whole time I thought it was because he had trust issues then come to find out, he likes his alone time and doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

I agree that you may need to take a step back. To be fair, though, you need to explain to him why you are doing this. Don't approach him as if you are giving him an ultimatum, but approach it as you trying to explain what you want in life (marriage, children). I think people don't talk enough about what they want in life and what they are willing to settle on and what they are NOT willing to settle on.

There is a difference between saying you want something in life and then taking the actions to get to that point. If he doesn't seem to be taking the actions and you want him to, then take a step back.

I just read your last post, and I think you two need to break up. I don't mean to sound harsh, but unless you are willing to sacrafice a family and children for this man you need to start the breaking up process.

Just curious lollipop3....based on my last post, what made you say we need to break up?

I agree with Lolipop, reading this post I think moving on is probably the best choice.

We used to live together but I moved out (long story) basically it's almost the same situation....I thought if I moved out he'd have a wake up call and he did for awhile....now he's comfortable again. Should have mentioned this before but 3 years ago, he was very mean towards to me....for months, telling me he didn't need me, he could always find someone easily if I left him.

Wow, what caused him to treat you this way? that is terrible.

I cheated on him...unintentionally. I just got needed attention from someone else and unfortunately that just put our whole situation (post-break-up) kinda in his hands. Now he throws that in my face when we fight. I tried buying books that could help with us moving forward and we even did counseling and in therapy found out he didn't want to move back in with me or get engaged, not because of trust issues, but because he likes his freedom. Totally shocked me cuz the whole time I thought it was because he had trust issues then come to find out, he likes his alone time and doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants.[/color]

You're trying to move forward, he doesn't want to.

He throws your mistake in your face. he's told you he doens't want to move back in with you. He likes his freedom too much & his alone time & doing whatever he wants when he wants. Does this man really sound like marriage material? he's made up his mind on what he wants and you both want different things, different directions. i don't think there is a future with him.

a married man & family man can't always do what they want when they want...plus it would involve living together...this is nothing he wants. he doesn't sounds like the man for you.

Personally I think you deserve a more commited relationship, with a man that wants the same future as you. and loves you & cherishes you..you deserve better & you need someone who wants the same things as you. Marriage, family, future.......I think letting this man go & moving on is a good choice. there is someone much more suited for you

Well, I mainly said it because you two sound like you have got other issues besides the marraige one. In general it doesn't seem like he is very eager to move forward with you for whatever reason. And you may think that he will come around, but how long do you want to wait for him to come around before you leave. Maybe he will decide he wants to marry you, but it seems he has given hints to you that he is comfortable and wants to be single. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I hate to see people like you give up on major things that you want, to sit around and wait for a guy to figure out if he wants to move forward with you.

I was seeinf a counselor a while ago, and one of the things she stressed to me was "When the words and action of an individual or contradicting each other, believe the actions."

Besides the fear of marriage he has, the relationship really is great. He no longer treats me like he used to....he did change in that respect. That's why I'm so confused......everything is great between us except that I want to move forward with my life and that means getting married and having a family. I mentioned he throws the cheating thing in my face......we actually don't fight often so that doesn't happen like on a weekly/monthly basis but nevertheless, it still comes out.

we even did counseling and in therapy found out he didn't want to move back in with me or get engaged, not because of trust issues, but because he likes his freedom. Totally shocked me cuz the whole time I thought it was because he had trust issues then come to find out, he likes his alone time and doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

How long ago was this session when he said this?

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he's interested in getting married anytime soon, if at all.

I see you are 27, how old is he?

He can only be influenced by his friend's statements as much as he allows himself to- but his own statements about not wanting to live with you or be engaged to you give me the idea that he's not on the same page as you, and perhaps for the first time there he felt safe being honest about that.

I guess the next question is, if you knew he was never going to marry you, how long would you stay with him?

What is more important to you, being with him, or being married?

I just don't know if he really wants to get married in the somewhat near future (I'm actually not in a rush cuz I'm still in school) but I want a commitment. It used to be he was going to wait until I got into the nursing program but as I started to apply, he got nervous and said, "Wow....you're already applying?" Then it was because he wanted to save more money. Oh and my favorite........he still thinks I'm using him (so I can live with him when I get into the nursing program since I won't be working anymore)......that's because I said I wouldn't move back in with him without an engagement because I didn't want to be in the same situation as 3 years ago. He just keeps telling me to be patient but that's becoming really difficult.

He just turned 34 this month. I love him so much but I'm very family-oriented and want a family of my own.

To be honest with one excuse after another I'm not so sure he's on the same page as you as far as relationship goals are concerned.

You say that he has no problem throwing your cheating in your face when things get tough.... the choice to forgive infidelity is a very personal and very difficult one to make, but if you are going to forgive you have to let it go, and you can't throw it in your partner's face like he has been doing.

It sounds like he has several excuses as to why he doesn't want to marry you.

So I ask you again,

if you knew he was never going to marry you, how long would you stay with him?

What is more important to you, being with him, or being married?

The session was back in August, I think. He said when it comes time for me to apply again, that who knows....maybe he'll feel differently. For awhile, I just tried to ignore my feelings and just act happy being in our relationship and I tried to focus on the the love we have for both of us but sooner or later, I just feel we're not on the same page.....he's very confusing though!! One minute he's not ready for marriage, then later he'll mention "when we have kids" or "when we get married.." SO CONFUSED!! LoL

If I knew he was never going to marry me, I think I would move on because I feel strongly about having kids and I don't want to have kids out of wedlock plus why would I want to have kids with someone who can't marry me?!

Being with him is extremely important....he's the love of my life which is why this is so difficult for me. My head is telling me to leave him and see what happens but my heart can't see me without him. It goes past the comfort of having someone in your life for 7 years. I really love him with everything I have and I'm always thinking of ways to improve "us" and make him happy but sometimes it seems like it's never enough. I know relationships take work but sometimes it doesn't seem like it should be this hard.

I don't mean to be rude, but I do want to be honest with my thoughts.

7 years. If the man truly loved you & wanted to commit to spending the rest of his life with you & be married to you...he would have done it by now.But like you said, he always has an excuse. One after another.

don't be confused, see it for what it is.

Is this what you really want? don't you want a man that's excited of the thought of marrying you? one that doesn't wait 7 years & still no sign of willingness to commit....instead says things like " when it comes time for you to apply again, that who knows.....MAYBE he'll feel differently"

come on sweetie, don't settle for this. I know you love him, but you would also love to have a family & children and a marriage...And prehaps you would love a man who is crazy about you & excited to have the opportunity to spend his life with you.

I'd let go & see what else is out there.....I know you must be comfortable with him, it has been 7 years of your life. But don't be afraid, being free & open to the world can be a beautiful thing, scarey at first...embrace it. good will come of it.

NEW QUESTION:

This past weekend I had 2 exams and only got 4 hours of sleep. I went to my boyfriend's house because I was going to my boss's wedding later that afternoon and went to get ready at his house (closer than going all the way back to my house). He made plans to go play poker that night...

After the wedding, my manager was giving me a ride back home and with only getting 4 hours of sleep, taking 2 exams, and involving alcohol, I was exhausted!! I called him and he said he didn't go play poker afterall. I told him I was really exhausted and I was probably just going to spend the night there instead of driving all the way home (15 min. drive). When I got to his house, he basically said he was having friends come over cuz he bought a new PS3 video game (he already had 1 guy there)......I told him I was tired and didn't care if they were going to be loud....I just wanted to go to sleep. He didn't budge and told me he was upset that I wouldn't just see it his way and I shouldn't be taking it the wrong way. I did go home but this really just upset me more on top of everything else that's been bothering me. I would never not let him stay over my place just cuz I had some friends coming over.

Sorry forgot the question...............was I overreacting or was he wrong to make me leave and go home?!?

so what's the question? lol

Honestly hun, I wouldn't date a guy like this. Thats just seems rude, like you said, you wouldn't not let him stay over at your place. it's just seems consideriate to the one you love...maybe you need a guy who sees it that way too.

Girl,

This just reinforces that he likes his space and he likes his privacy and he likes being a single guy.

Him saying things like "when we get married or when we have kids" don't mean much if he is unwilling to give you a time frame and he balks whenever you bring it up and pushes it back even farther.

If you know you want to get married and have kids, and you already moved out several years ago and he knows how you feel, I just don't think he's on the same page as you are. You can't blame him for not feeling the same way, but you can for letting him keep you around knowing that's what you want and he's not willing to give that to you.

I want to add that 7 years is a really long time to give someone your commitment without any indication on his part that he's willing to reciprocate.

If he won't even talk about it in definitive terms (as in, in 2 years we'll get married, in 2008 I will propose to you) that's not a good sign- and I wonder how much more of your life you will sign away waiting for something that may never come.

Don't you think that after 7 years together he should know he wants to marry you, and if he doesn't know, than he doesn't want to?