A Letter for Him

Dear Nightmare,

Did you know I had to take a forty mintue shower tonight just to wash off the feeling that still crawls over my body? Its been over a year and you still make me cry in a bathroom stall. I hope you know that even out here, I find it hard to sleep. You make me feel like complete and utter hell; as if I will never feel complete or secure ever again. Each time someone touches me, I want to scream and fight or just runaway and hide. I'm afraid to stay out too late or go to parties or be anywhere where someone might take me to a bed. I don't even want to sleep in my bed. I'm afaid youll come out from beneath my covers and be on top of me. I want to lock myself in the closet with the light on and never sleep again. I'm afraid. I'm afraid there will be another one like you and again, I won't be able to stop you. I hate me. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate how much it hurts to be alive and how much you control me. I hate this. I hate me. I should have done something. I should have not contacted you. I should have...I should have....so many things I should have done. Damnit. Damn me.

(Yes, I have returned from my many months of being away. For those of you who remember me, hello again. For those of you who I do not know, hello in general. You will be hearing from me again as I am now in college and lost a close friend three months ago. I'm such a down note. Sorry.)

Wow, sounds like you've been through a lot mymelancholysoul. I know how it feels to be afraid to go to sleep at night. My nightmare has been over for about 4 years now, and it still haunts me sometimes.

Just want you to know if you ever want to talk to someone who understands, you can IM me or talk to me on MSN. I'm usually online.

Take care.

Sappho...

I wanted to post a reply a long time ago to your post, I saved a link on my computer to your post, and now I hope that you are still reading these posts.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for everything you went through, no one deserves abuse of any sort. I as an abuser am sorry for what has happened to you, I would take all your pain away if I could.

I also want you to know that if the person who abused you is any sort of real man, then he will end up suffering for what he did to you. I know this because I am currently suffering nightmares of what I have done to my ex, I am finding it hard to sleep, or eat or just simply live, I have been having severe health problems, due to not sleeping or eating properly and stress. I am now paying for what I have done to my ex. I don't want you to think that I am feeling sorry for myself. I know I deserve this, and actually the pain is helping me with therapy to be no violent, it is a burden I know I will bear for the rest of my life, and I welcome it, if taking on this pain would give my ex even the slightest bit of comfort or respect back I would take all the pain in the world on my shoulders. I recently got a workbook on how to become non-abusive and I though I would get some sort of release from this hell, but actually it has made things worse, I have to recall all the pain I caused my ex.

To help you I would suggest therapy, especially hypnotherapy, also self help books are a good place to start. I also want to tell you that some men out there are actually good, I know my best friend is one of them. He is the best man I have ever known, so there are men out there that are honest and caring, don't give up on us all.

I will pray for you, if that is ok, I hope that I have helped at least a little, I just wanted you to know that your abuser will end up paying for what he did to you, like I am doing right now.