veryconfused

Hi, I am new here and have visited many boards, and have to say, this is the one that I have joined b/c of the heartfelt responses (and honest ones too)! I have been divorced since Feb 12, 2003. I was married for 5 1/2 years, together total of 11. My ex and I have never had a "perfect" relationship, but I honestly thought we were ment to be together forever. I thought that through all the bad times and arguments, our love was still there. I thought wrong. Two years ago my ex started his own business on the side. He had moderate success at it and I thought he was finally happy, doing what he had always wanted to do (he use to go from job to job, alway provided and never umemployed). In Sept he quit his day job to do his own business full time. He was away more than ever. I tried to plan vacations, he couldn't go b/c a contract had to be completed (he owns his own welding business). I realized that we (me and our 5 year old boy) were never getting to spend time with him, but I thought once things calmed down, it would be better. It was his dream and I was going to support him in it, make sacrafices. I tried even harder to make us reconnect. I took him to Vegas for his 30 birthday, started being nicer to him (I can be very mean and belittling when we fight) and trying to be a better wife. In late November, I called him one night to find out when he was going to be home and he said he really didn't want to come. He didn't know if he loved me anymore. HOLY CRAP!!!! I said, "fine, you are increadibley selfish, I have tried and sacrificed for us, and this is what I get, goodbye". I was blown over, not the correct thing to say to him, but I was really mad. He came home the next day and said things just weren't right between us anymore. He loved me, but did not think he was inlove with me. I realized at this time that it was a bigger problem than I had thought and began to panic. I said maybe we should take some time and think about things. He agreed. He was staying at his shop for a couple of weeks and we spoke daily and even had sex, I guess I figured he would get over it and come home soon enought. Then................... I had my work Christmas party in early Dec and when to find him b/c I missed him. His truck was at the bar, but he wasn't . I was finally able to get ahold of him on his cell phone and some girl answered! She said that my ex didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I freaked out and went to that bar. She appoligized saying she thought that we had already separated and she was just his friend. He came home the next day and he said that he was sorry, but he could not live with me anymore. I was on my hands and knees crying and begging him to stay, but he still left. He said he needed space. We continued to speak on the phone everyday and I tried to set a "date" with him but he kept on saying I was pushing him. I know I was, but I was so scared to let go! I went to work on Monday and checked his cell phone bill and realized that he had been speaking to this girl he met in the bar for over a month! He told her that he was separated and that he was not living in the house (lie). He said that he did it b/c he knew things were bad between us and he wanted to see how he would react to another women, if he loved me, he would not have feelings for her. Anyways, we started counceling and he promised to give up this "friend". Only to find out through cell phone bills again he hadn't. When I would confront him on it he said that she was the only one he could talk to (he doesn't have any friends or family that count). You see, she has been divorces twice and she listened to him. I know now he was using her, but she ended up falling in love with him. She is TROUBLE! So, we are going to couceling, having beautiful sex, dating and one afternoon I am on my way home and I saw his truck in a local bar parking lot. His friend had told me he went home to go to sleep when I called earlier. I went into the parking lot and her car was there too! He happened to be outside when I got there, he said he was getting his check book b/c she showed up, so he was leaving. We got in a huge fight and I ended up slapping him. I was so mad, hurt and CRAZY! He grabbed my hair, then I kicked him out of the car. The next day I went to see a divorce attorney and it was done. I could no longer trust him, he was suppose to be home and he knew if I ever caught them together that would be it. We are know divorced. But having trouble. He says that he left me b/c he was not happy with me anymore, and the girl in the bar had nothing to do with it. He says he is afraid to loose me, but we cannot be together right know. He has gone on a couple of dates, he says he needs to answer some questions for himself. I have gone out with one person too. I knew when I was on my date, I missed by ex more than anything and went home crying. He has gone out with 2 other women, and does not really enjoy there company. I asked him if was just waiting to find the right one and then say goodbye for good or what. He said no, he is not looking for a relationship, but if something great came along he would go for it and so should I. He does not want me to wait for him. But I cannot help it. I love him more than anything. I don't know if he is going through some crisis from turning 30 or what. He says he is mad at himself for not speaking to me earlier about the bad marriage, and I will admit, I did ignore alot of signs when I look back on it know. I told him if he needs the companionship of another women, he has already answered his questions, but he said that's not true. He is just going with the flow, meanwhile I am drowning! And the women he met in the bar is a complete crazy who will not leave him alone. I have been at his place and she has called and he told her off, ect. She will not go away. He says he is scared to get back together because in the back of his mind, he still has alot of anger towards me. He never wants to go through "this" again. He is scared things will go back to normal. I reasured him they wouldn't b/c we have for the first time really we (I) have learned that love is not a given, just b/c you are married it doesn't mean you don't have to nurish the relationship and that I will work on my temper, and I have and proved it to him. I asked him how he even has time to think about us, he didn't even take a month off and really look at himself and his life. I don't know what to do! Do I hold out for true love, or let go. I am scared to let go b/c I am affraid he will forget me. I can't move on. He always gives me a little encouragemnt. Like know, he just called, he is out with this girl and he called to tell me he wished the weekend was over. She came to town to see him and go to a concert tonight. I told him, I love you and have supported you through your troubled times, for once take into consideration my feelings. If you don't want to go tonight, tell her your son is sick and don't go. He says he feels bad about that b/c she came to town and he knows nothing is going to happen, he doesn't like her more that a friend. Help!

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my plea for help. I know I am being stupid, but something tells me if I just hold on a little longer, may be he will realize what a huge mistake he has made. Everyday I say I won't answer his calls, but I do. Everyday I say I am not going to think about him, but here I am writting this! I know I am a strong person and deserve someone to love me the way I know I can love them. And no one was too harsh on me, that is what I finally need in my life - TRUTH!

Hello everyone, I am so confused and feeling really stupid. Me and my exhusband were married for 6 1/2 years and have been together for 11. We have one 5 year old child together. We have never had a perfect relationship, but I always thought that we were ment to be together, it was fate that brought us together. Last October he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, I was selfish and that he wasn't "inlove" with me but he did "love me". He started hanging out at bars and having female friends. He moved out of the house and became good friends with one girl. She fell in love with him although he did not love her, he felt she understood him. He would not give her up as a friend and could not understand the meaning of a "emotional affair". Anyways, we started counciling and I thought that things were going great, we were dating again and having fun alothough not living together. All crap hit the fan one night when I saw him out at the bar with her and his friends. I said that was it, he had promised me enough times that he would not have anything to do with her. (I do believe him that the were not having an affair of sex, she wanted to, but he looked at her as a "friend who listended to him"). We are now divorced, but we talk on the phone everyday and even have sex about once a week. (I know, not a good thing). He says that he loves talking to me on the phone, but when we are together face to face, he has this anger for me he doesn't know how to explain. He figures that there has to be someone out there for each of us that are more suited for us. He has started dating and it drives me crazy. He said that he is not going to come home and that he wishes that we could both go experice life and meet up again in a year to see if we still really want each other. This pisses me off, it 's like I am not going to put my life on hold for him, but I am so scared that if I stop talking to him, he will forget me. I want him back, I don't know why. May be just for the satisfaction of hearing him say it was a huge mistake he made (because he did, he did not even give our relationship a chance even with counciling, he kept on lying and messing up). I don't know what to do, let him go or fight for him eventhough he has interest in other women. I have too gone out with other men, but I come home crying because I want my old life back, I don't like the single thing, I loved my marriage and my family and my husband. He says he misses me too, but too much has happened for us to be together. So why does he call me? How can he call me and me call him while he is out looking for other women to meet? Is it guilt b/c he knows I would have done anything to keep our family together? Help, please, please!