mylolita

Yoga, That is very sweet! It’s not as if she is wholly bad at all - we just clash so much, I was naive to think I could keep myself stum. I have a problem with impulse. I think, looking back on those three days, I was walking around tense and forced inside. She left, and a huge weight lifted. When I re-connected with her after my son was born and about 8 months old, I did it in part out of duty because, I didn’t want her to not have a chance of an Aunty role. Also, it was hurting my parents. My husband dropped her back at my parents where her car was and I know she will have been comforted by them and that makes me feel better. She denies we have trouble between us but I know deep down she probably felt better leaving too. Ironically she went on the best day as the weather turned dark and rained the whole day yesterday! Didn’t stop me taking the kids on a small bike trail in their rain coats and then we spent the afternoon at the pool. Today’s my husbands Birthday so the kids piled in with homemade cards and my middle daughter told him “come see your present Daddy!” And she’d set up all her little teddies in a row and circle to “wish you Happy Birthday” 🥲 I’m strangely glad she’s not here as it’s an intimidate family moment really. If we were close this would have been so different. I did make mistakes though. I should have held my tongue. I have to apologise to her for that, because I was in the wrong there, but I’ll let the holiday finish and the dust settle. I’m actually really enjoying myself now… LMAO! In my furious little state that massage I had didn’t even touch the sides 🤣👏 Again, thanks for your story Yoga - sometimes it’s nice to hear other people have struggles with family too or holiday planning and it’s not just you! x

Thank you so much Batya! I’m not perfect, I have my moods and I know the outcome of this has been a big chunk my fault. And I shouldn’t have expected much help because she was busy taking work calls and texting her boyfriend and, it’s unfair really since she doesn’t have kids. I suppose I was naive on that front! She needed to go outside to vape all the time too! It’s so helped because I didn’t have to unload it in anyone else. Phew! I guess that’s the main reason for a journal? What a verbiage rant 😭🤗 x

I feel totally tacky going on about this here but there’s nowhere else to get this out. She irritates the hell out of me and right now, I hate her. It was me who called up after the way she was over me getting married, 2 years later, to try make amends. She would have carried on never talking and frankly, I should have done the same. But D, the mature peacekeeper, thought it was a really good idea. And it would have been, if we didn’t absolutely hate each other and clans in every single way. I can’t find one thing in common right now, I can’t find one thing to like right now! If she wasn’t family, there is no way I would ever even talk to her in the street. How sad! I told D he needs to drive her back this morning. They’ve just left, he made an excuse up for the kids that work called and they didn’t even blink, simply carried on colouring and eating bananas. I refused to go downstairs until she was gone. The fury is potent. And after all was said and done, she said, “Why even invite me?” And I said “Why even come?!” I told her we’d paid for her holiday food and drinks as practically in return for a helping hand - an unspoken arrangement, and that no one pays for a friend to come on holiday with them. It was a mutual favour I thought we had both understood without specifically saying it. This is why she’s so bloody immature and stupid. She gets a free and quite fabulous holiday and she never once offered anything. She knew the score. This was an arrangement dreamt up by the husband because we have literally no one else at the moment to help us with three. She left and I have to say, I can’t lie, I’m elated. I feel like I can finally start to enjoy myself. I was on edge the whole time. x

This is also interesting for me feeling so unreasonable at the moment - hearing everyone’s parents and holidaying brief and later in childhood. It’s a relief to me actually! And now I understand why we did the same! Flight and abroad holidays happened when I got to age 9 onwards. I remember going to stay in a beautiful part of the country when I was pregnant with my daughter and my son was 17 months old. This friend, her house where we stayed, it was the height of summer. Amazing properly - stone clad outside diving pool, this wooden building in her grounds that had stone seating in a circle around the fanciest integrated BBQ I’d ever seen. But we had to be in the same room as my son as she had 12 other guests there too, and he wouldn’t sleep because I was there and breastfeeding still. He woke every 3 hours. It was torturous for me as I was heavily pregnant as well. I cut the only 4 day trip short and left on day 3 exhausted. I fell out with my husband over it and our friend who had kindly hosted it because she took it personally but I simply had to get home to sleep. We also took our son to the South of France when he was only 7 months old because we were invited to a friends extravagant wedding at their chateau and again, I could hardly hack the three days there. That very adult wedding was nowhere a little baby should have been as I should have listened to my gut there telling me it’s not appropriate, but D was like “It’ll be fun! It’s an excuse to get away!” I still was waking up round the clock for a newborn in intense heat and having to entertain a baby through formal wedding malarky, although I soon caught on I couldn’t do it so took him in his pram to walk the grounds for a nap, or inside their house where all the shutters were closed, and we sat in ornate, historic, museum still interiors, silk couches, with him in a nappy and little white vest, and me changing him on Louis the sixteenth style day beds, with staff running around and gossiping in the corners. We had some unforgettable moments there and, some of the pictures in the lavender and sunflower fields are things I wouldn’t part with - but I’m sorry public, I was again, bloody well glad to be home, exhausted and knackered in my own bed - HA! Wow, I’m miserable. I’m too much of a control freak, I can’t let anything slide. I can hardly relax. My sister thought it was weird that the first thing we did after unpacking was, I took the kids out to the forest to pick wildflowers to make big, foliage rich bouquets about the cottage, one for each bedroom too. She shook her head. We’re so different. She wouldn’t understand the need I have to do something like that, and to have a candle in my overnight bag and light it on an evening. And I can’t understand why she would not?! 😭 x

@Batya33 and @yogacat! Thank you ladies for the insights! I kind of, felt my shoulders slump in relief to hear that even a seasoned pro traveller like yourself Batya finds it a little stressful from time to time! This is our first proper family holiday. I think the stress is mostly coming from the fact they are still so young (6, 4, 2). My baby was sick on the first night. She has this blanket she never sleeps without (I have two identically spare copies I bought because she loves it so much!) but she coughed up on two of them. No washing machine here, so that morning I spent hand washing and trying to wring out the pungent smell of sick gone warm for an hour in the bath, then hung them out, they never dried, and I spent another two hours blow drying them with a hair dryer. These things happen, but there’s been a lot of this kind of stuff even on the first day. I kept thinking back to when me and the husband used to go away and it was so bloody easy! I want to soak up my beautiful children but through the idiot fault of my own, for needed help, I have my arch nemesis sister here and I can’t relax. It’s been a disaster waiting to happen. I don’t know why I ever thought I could suck it up. The kids have had a blast - I’m like ☺️😭🤪 Also it’s really so lovely to hear everyone’s childhood memories! My parents also didn’t have that much money and we went to Scotland every winter and summer in a caravan! And we stayed at some surreally beautiful places! Looking out over Lochs, blustery raw beaches and coves! I do now, as an adult and mum, go back through those memories and now suddenly notice my Mum cleaning everywhere before we got settled. Her packing and unpacking, her cooking, her changing muddy soaked through coats. It’s all part of the parcel. But when I see her next, I am craving so so badly a talk with her. I want to know if she felt these dragging feelings too? And also thank her from the bottom of my heart, because I think it must have been hard, and hard for my Dad working whilst studying to pay for it. It’s cost a fortune for me to feel the most unnerving mix of emotions. Intense love, joy, relaxation (my husband booked me in for a surprise massage and facial yesterday at a spa!) but then, stress, panic and anxiety, and irritation at my sister - sometimes hatred, I have to admit - and anger. I’m all for adventures - but I like them to be the day kind, and not the week kind, and overnight stay kind 😭 I sat through my sister picking apart my personality last night in this manipulative, “oh but I’m only wondering whyyyy and I want to know the reasons” way that she knew exactly what she was doing. I hold my hands up to everything negative about myself. I said, yes I’m a neat freak, yes I’m neurotic, yes I find it hard to relax. And she starts getting into “Where do you put yourself on a scale for that? Could “we” dial it down to get to say, a 4?” And then all she can say is “Oh I’m too nice that’s my problem” I almost fell off my chair. I’m sorry folks but siblings you can’t stand, sick babies and deep pools when none of them can properly swim has been the perfect storm for me. I’m not saying I’m in the right at all, nothing close, but it doesn’t change the fact I want her gone for the rest and frankly, I just want to go home. I got into bed completely outraged and my heart beating furiously over what I’d said to her in our argument, and told my husband into the tense silence that from this point onwards, unless it’s for you and the kids, I am not saying yes to anything when I know realistically my answer is a massive, huge - NO! I’m in the sh*t, truthfully. What a mess this is. I’ve woke up feeling ashamed, deflated and still so bloody angry. The kids bundled into our bed and they stroked my forehead and I held my palm against their soft cheeks and I thought if we could stay like this forever, for ten minutes, for a moment! I would be happy. And I’ve been having such a great time with the husband - walking out late through the forest to go for a drink. Cuddling like teenagers while we walk, kids all on their bikes up front like ducks in a staggered row! Cheeky and playful moments alone. I’ve gone and blown it now because he’s going to be beyond annoyed that I couldn’t just keep it together for 5 days and be amicable with my sister. He wouldn’t be wrong either. X

Ah! I don’t know about that itsall! But, thank you for the leeway 🥹 This seems the sensible idea doesn’t it Grand? 🤣 So sensible with our history, that my husband suggested it and she is here, and so sensible of me, that I actually agreed to it and thought it would work out somehow! Last night, late after having to live with each other in a cabin only two nights two days in, I had the most terrible argument with her and basically I think we’ll go back to not seeing/talking to each other again for years and this may be that horrible moment where you decided, even though someone is family, that you can’t be around them. I’ve woke up this morning in the country with birds signing cursing myself that I didn’t just go to bed last night! Instead I stayed up and we chatted for the first time (it’s only been very cold and civil for the rest) and she got onto questioning me about family life and going back to little things I did as a child, manipulatively guising her poking as “just a intimidate little sister to sister” when really she was “I’m too nice I’m perfect” and giving me the “you move caused baggage because you cleaned the room we shared loads as a child and resented me for being messy”. Criticising and basically, it flicked a switch in me. I can’t tell you how badly this argument escalated. It’s my fault for going there, I should have said I’m going to bed. I should have had the maturity and foresight and control to see this little “heart to heart” was going nowhere. I told her straight up we never really liked each other and to stop being dishonest as if we’re estranged best buds. All the kids were in bed deep asleep so I think I finally got a window to be able to not have to put in a fake facade (which I am bad at) and when she tried to come over and cuddle me I couldn’t stand it and was stiff as a board. I’m sat here hoping she just leaves. I’m going to ask D to drive her back this morning. We only have two days left and to be brutal, I can’t stand the sight of her and probably she me. I completely lost control. There is going to be some major wind fall from this. Once again, really, us aside, I feel bad for our parents. I’ve had some beautiful moments on this break but privately, I can’t wait to be home. I never thought this would be me, but I’m missing the ocean desperately. In the words of Judy Garland - there’s no place like home. I’m sorry for letting all this out with you tagged on grand, it’s not at you 😭 x

Move in closer, I’m gonna tell you one thing. It’s highly controversial. Shocking, even. I absolutely hate holidays. I’m sorry darlings, there’s not a thing I can do about it! I see the public chirpily, gleefully, OBSESSIVELY, planning their next trip. Will it be, ICELAND via recycled tin cans?! Swimming with dolphins in a man made lake in Dubai?! Wearing gold speedos in Manhattan? Drinking cocktails out of a shoe on a spa day with your Dad?!?!? TANNING IN TABET?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Simply, for how adventurous I’m supposed to be, I’m a total, dry, languid, bore of a homebody. I really am. I nest, and I nest HARD. So here we go, very, very reluctantly, packing for a week in the country. I have already made 8 threats and monologued for forty minutes into the wardrobe. I went out to the car talking to myself saying, “This is bullsh*t! God help me! I can’t take it!” I should be thrilled and skipping around humming and yet, it’s nearly 1am, I have three suitcases I can’t close, clothes everywhere like the drawers have just spontaneously combusted, and I have to do everything I would normally do at home - cook, clean, entertain the kids, organise everyone, kiss away the boo boos, but without the comfort and minute away necessities of my sweet, sweet perch, right here. No, we need the blankets. We need the potties! We need some toys (it’s got to three bags?! WHAT THE FLIPPY DOODLES KIDS?!) I have a shoe bag, that’s got sandals to wellies, because hey, we’re holidaying in the delightful UK. Anything could happen in the next half hour. I’m absolutely DYING here. Dying. I throw my hands up dramatically and cry, “There’s nothing HERE for me D! I don’t have the outdoor stuff?! My mind isn’t in it!!!” (Oscar, please). And now the stupid happy once a year (this is going to be so much FUN don’t ruin it!) husband is lounging there in bed while I’m covered in moth balls and little floral shorts with polka dots, he has the nerve, the DEATH WISH, to say to me, yawning, “I think we should head off earlier tomorrow. Get a good start.” Like hell you will. DO YOU WANNA DIE?! He’s not, by the way. I told him I was going to have a panic attack. Then I told him actually, he can go early if he wants with the kids to meet my sister but, I’ll follow them up at my own leisure on the train or something, might get in the day after. Oh and; my arch nemeses, my pet peeve, the person who grinds my gears the most and the sight of her starts my cortisol pumping through my eye balls, my p*ss, excuse me, BOILING. It’s… ma sista. Tagging along, close quarters, all bought and paid for. I went out and did the food shopping today for them all. For the price of her accommodation, booze and meals, I could have hired a nanny who sung opera in Latin, French and Spanish, and Toby Stephens massaging my thighs. Instead, I have this gob sh*te at my heels for the week and I’m somehow PAYING for the privilege?! Please! I’m gone. Shipped off. You know what I like? I like days to the beach. I like woodland walks. I like putting the fire on and turning the music low. I like settling down with the three chiddlers, huddled around a nice painting set, watching them carve intricate, cute little figures, like dreams onto paper. I like lighting candles and buying flowers. I like cosy nights in with the husband, cocktails from the fridge, and ice by the bucket. I like the day to day. But, especially, just the one day. Not the week, not the four nights five days, not the fortnight - ONE DAY. One day, at a time. Here. You know what I don’t like? HOLIDAYS. Show me a good one yet!!!!! Ohhhh it’s all fine when you’re 20 and just pluck your mini hold-all on up with your four bikinis and your kimono. All you have to worry about is where you’re gonna eat and how many martini’s is too many martinis!? Next week, I will be like a stress filled hawk, in the crowds at swimming pools making sure they aren’t abducted or drowned. I’ll be on constant alert. Do this, he says, it’s just a fracture, he says! Broken femur! It is! Ohhh let’s do these quad bikes, yeah! Let’s go to the rafters and then take the chopper back to base?! How about, that’s fantastic for James Bond, but not for a 2 year old. How about, go please yourself, and I’ll be 100 miles away shopping for garden furniture, perfectly at peace, happy as a clam. Not on holiday, but clearing out the account all the same. In a good days work. I’ll need a holiday to get over this bloody holiday!!!! Am I a grumpy diva? In the genius words of our modern deity Arianda Grande - YES! And?! x

By the way @yogacat and @dias! Please feel free to carry on the b*tchy approach discussion 🤣 I delight in it all even if I’m not going to comment right now because Mammy has to rant… 🥲🤣 MUMS MAD! About - going on holiday 🤓 x

Not gonna say either way 🤫 Just realised I have security gone and gave the game away and edited my above! WHAT AM I LIKE! And I’m just joking 😘 It actually looks like a really great film, specially for the cinema! Cool date film, y’know 😎 x

You won’t need too cos we’ve seen the whole thing now anyway 🤣🤣 x

SHUT UP, it’s Friday. Do you wanna pay someone to string you along? Say oh, poor you! What a pity! Not your fault! Sweet dear! Or do you want me to shake you a cocktail, throw the fire on, and get some MUSIC?! You don’t just want me in your corner - YA NEED ME IN YOUR CORNER! Babe. My corner doesn’t come easy - it’s niche, but we like it like that!!!!! That’s the POINT!🍸 Signed, sealed - delivered. Cheers! See you 5am 🥂 x

OUTCH! Girls on it tonight! In the mist, 9pm, for a drive. I’m gonna live to see 100. x

We’ll be dancing TONIGHT! 🪩 x

The unmistakable voice of National Treasure Joanna flipping Lumley ♥️ 🫘 x