lostandhurt

It is never to late to see things clearly and try and fix a mistake. It was a mistake to hang in there this long but that doesn't mean it is a life sentence. Seek some legal advice, look into selling the house and most of all find a therapist that can help you with your self esteem as she has crushed yours. There is a life away from this woman and being alone and co parenting would be way better then continuation in this sham relationship. Your daughter will be fine and you are very correct that she may learn this is how a healthy relationship is supposed to be so you will not only be saving yourself but your daughter as well. Lost

She cheated and then continued beyond a one time thing. That was not bad judgment, it was a clear choice. What we do from the day we are born until the day we die is what makes us who we are, mistakes and all but most of the time how we handle past mistakes shows what we are truly made of. No matter age or circumstances owning our mistakes is the only way to learn from them. Lost

Your husband has known all these years that you are a cheater and accepted you for who you are now but when you didn't tell him right away the guy you cheated with all those years ago was now a coworker it brought all that right back in his face. Did he handle it well? No he didn't but I can totally understand his reaction. Let him calm down and process what you told him then sit down and talk to him. If you do not want to work at the same place as your ex then make sure you know exactly why and related that to your husband in a statement, not a question. You made some terrible choices back then and they have come back to haunt you but it doesn't mean you cannot make good choices now to get some peace back into your life. With any sensitive subject like past cheating it is always best to not delay, hide or diminish anything and be upfront right away with your current partner. Just because it happened a long time ago means nothing. He will come around once the shock wears off Lost

Let me put this into simple terms. You are a doormat. You let your partner walk all over you and then you apologize. Not good and if you are okay with it that is not good either. Women want to feel safe, appreciated, adored, respected and listened to plus so many more things I cannot fit on this page. But they also want to respect you as well. They want to be with someone that stands up for themselves, has pride in themselves and is not afraid of speaking up. Being dominant is not a good trait in a relationship but being confident and even a little cocky is as well as being genuine, understanding, funny, relaxed, playful and vulnerable. What that women did was wrong and cost you a lot of money and it should not have been let go. She sounds awful anyways. Remember we teach others how to treat us with our own actions. Your actions or inaction's show them you are kind of spineless and will not stand up for yourself. That my friend is very unattractive. Lost

Been down this road and that is how it started. "I had a dream about you last night" She was a vindictive person that was an assistant director over me. I had no interest and she was married but I paid the price as she spent years coming after me. Do yourself a favor and put some distance between this woman and yourself at least until you work somewhere else. If you want to date an older woman go on a dating site and message women 10 - 15 years older than you, I am sure you will meet someone. Lost

Why does it matter if he doesn't have money? or a good job or anything your wife needs because she has you at home waiting to kiss her butt when she returns from her "finding herself" trips? If you are okay being a cuckold then keep pretending this is all a good thing and try and not think about it. If not then put a stop to it. You are paying for this guys travel so she has a travel companion and sex when she wants it. The simple fact here is she lied by omission and you were shown chats she wanted you to see after the fact, not the chats that actually happened. It must be torture sitting at home while she is off finding herself with another man. Is this the way you want to live your life? Lost

I am curious why you are so interested in the meaning of his questions. In the end what you should be focusing on is that he called you a liar several times to your face. That is all you really need to know. Is this a man you want to share your body with? I am sure there are plenty of men that will treat you way better in this context. Lost

Ask him out and be clear it is a date. Start some small talk with him and then tell him this: "I really like you and wanted to know if you would like to go on a date so we can get to know each other better" Keep it simple and direct. Then you will know one way or another on everything. If he says yes great, get to know him and see for yourself if he is a selfish jerk or not. If he says no thanks then you can stick a pin in this and not have any regrets. Don't sit back and wait for what you want, go out and get it. Take control over what happens in your life instead of just letting it happen. Lost

Single Guy, Instead of trying to think this all out and all the possibilities why not just ask her out on a date and see how things go. As of right now most of this is in your head/heart not in real life. I wouldn't tell her how I feel just yet, ask her out on a proper date and if she accepts enjoy yourself, get to know each other and see how you feel after. If you really like her and enjoy her company then ask her out again and so on. Far to many of us want to know how it will all play out or have imagined how it all will go in our heads way before the first or second date which put way to many expectations on something that should be spontaneous and fun. Putting the cart before the horse as it were. The age thing is another reason to ask her out on a date if nothing else to alleviate your own misgivings on what others might think. Once you are out with her I think all that will fade away. Let us know how it goes Lost

A buddy of mine dated a woman like this. It was like she didn't know how to be treated well but complained about all the jerks she had dated in the past and punished him for their behavior. He is a good guy but she kept doing things that made it impossible to be with her. She was a hot mess and yes unstable. This happens and you will meet other women like this unfortunately. The thing is you cannot punish others for what someone else did to you. Keep an open mind, offer medium trust and let it build from there but don't change who you are because of her. She wants to hurt you but what she is actually doing is showing you that you made the right choice. You are young but are already learning a lot and making pretty good choices. Sure it may have been a mistake to even start this roller coaster ride but in time you will see them more clearly up front. Don't feel bad about any of this, guys have been making this mistake since the dawn of time and will keep making it. We think with our eyes instead of our minds... Lost

Excellent advice.

Many times on this forum we read threads like yours where some of us read through the words waiting for the shoe to drop that they had "met someone" and now are rethinking their marriage/relationship. In your case I am sure it showed you that you can be happy and feel good about yourself but the emotional affair did not bring on the demise of your marriage. I agree with bluecastle (like usual) that couples therapy is a great idea and who knows may wake your husband up to what he is putting you through. Many times I see people offer the advice to dump them/divorce them which is easy to say but in reality is much harder to do emotionally. You are married and have a child together and even though it doesn't feel like it now were once in love and happy. Therapy can help you both come to terms with the end of the marriage if it comes to that and it will help you not have any regrets once the choice is made one way or another. People can change if they accept what they are and want to change. Your husband could become a great guy but unfortunately that kind of change only happens after someone loses everything. There is no rush but you need to start moving in the direction of some sort of resolution. Simply enduring this for your daughter is not a solution and is in fact showing her this is what a relationship is like and she will imprint on it. Keep posting it will help as you write it all out. Lost

So you have your own house that you have been fixing up, live near your parents and seem to have your stuff together. Why is he wanting you to give all that up because he wants to "experience" a new city? Like you said he doesn't have to move, he wants to. When was the discussion about what you want? I get the feeling this is about more than an engagement ring. Also long engagements are not a bad idea. Just because he proposes doesn't mean you get married right away does it? Lost

You tried counseling and didn't get far probably because of his internal anger at what sounds like everything around him. He is angry all the time for some reason. Couples counseling will do nothing until he seeks out a therapist to help him deal with his embedded anger. I have seen this with friends that were once happy go lucky and a joy to be around then they fell into the negative drumbeat of politics and became mad at virtually everything. Their health went downhill, they got mad easily, they were no longer a joy to be around and like you it was very hard to have a conversation because it turned into them being angry about something....anything. It was almost like they wanted to be angry. You are reaching the end of your rope and your husband is not listening so I have an idea that will do two things. Write him a heartfelt letter. An actual hand written letter and pour your fears and worries into it about all of this and how you don't see OUR marriage surviving if he doesn't seek help with the anger That Has Taken Over His Life. Don't threaten divorce, just phrase it like you don't want our marriage to end because of all this anger. The first thing this does it allows you the release of all this that you cannot say in person because he blows up. The second thing is he sees your words written to him and can read them over and over again which makes it very real and unavoidable. He definitely has something eating at him or has built up within him over the years to the point it has affected everything in his life. Marriage, work, family and his health. There comes a point where you run out of the will to try any longer so lay it all out on the table and he will show you if he wants to save the marriage or not. Ultimately he will decide by his actions or inaction. Keep posting it helps Lost

Oh he can control it but non of us knows if this was a stupid mistake that he will never do again or if he acts like this all the time. You were on the date not any of us so for anyone to state who he is or how he thinks is just silly. He did it, saw he made a huge mistake and apologized. That is what we all know nothing more other than the date was going well up to that point. If you don't want to see him again for any reason or no reason that is totally your call. You don't need any of us to tell you what he did was in very poor taste and disrespectful. I am curious what happened after the date was over. Did he ask you out again? Text you? Lost