Batya33

For me it would have happened many more times but I avoided communicating with men from long distance with very rare exception - I am contacted about once a month by men on FB -if that is their real photo -who are handsome and long distance according to the profile so I assume some of them might offer -but I block them immediately unless I think I might know them then sometimes I respond if the initial message was appropriate and I think I know the person professionally etc -but 99.9% of the time I block.

My issue was with you going shopping - I understand it was Carters stuff -love Carters for babies -but that is too far of a trip when a birth is imminent. Also you could have kept calling the nurse/hospital -you're the father -why expect to be called while you're not there? I understand she told you to go home and take a shower -perhaps she wanted some time to chill with her mom -but that's a quick thing - being out and about shopping just wasn't a good choice and neither was expecting phone calls from people in the midst of labor/supporting the birth. I don't think it was the worst thing -just a poor choice. Enjoy your son!

Have someone at the hospital -social worker, doctor, both- talk to the dad. Also will a school -regular school -accept him?

Her mother likely was focusing on her daughter and the birth. My husband was 800 miles away when I went into labor 9 days early. He arrived right after my epidural 15 hours after I called him. My mom took me to the hospital. Once he arrived he didn't leave -my mom left for a quick lunch. I'm sure he called his parents and his best friend/the godfather who were all local and all were at the hospital all day. I had a near emergency c section 9.5 hours after arrival - husband was there. I was fine with him leaving to sleep at home -I was out of it anyway! I'm glad you came to your senses. Congratulations!

If someone is doing something that bothers me I try to change my seat. That includes - loud phone, loud inappropriate conversation, sitting too close to me, a barking or leaping dog, or a young child where the child is allowed to get in my space, etc. I certainly felt jealous at times when I was trying to conceive and saw moms with their babies, when I was struggling in relationships and saw perfect looking couples in love and engaged or married, and -such is life. PDA is fine IMO - I've done my share -not right next to someone but it's part of life at a bar I would think. Also remind yourself you do not know their story. You do not know if they are happy together, were happily buzzed together, or just met that day. Over 20 years ago I was at my favorite italian restaurant. My platonic male friend of many years invited me. At night for dinner. We sat across from each other laughing and smiling as always. Then he took out a ring box and opened it. A gorgeous engagement ring! Someone at a neighboring table gasped. He wanted to show me the ring he'd bought for his girlfriend -he was going to propose very soon. Imagine if a woman who was frustrated like you saw this scene momentarily and was insanely jealous lol. Also around that era I'd gone out with P once or twice. We had a plan for another date. I was at a singles dance. My friend B showed up and he told me - his ex was in the room and he wanted to make her jealous -would I please dance with him (we'd dated in the distant past). Yes. We danced. A couple of days later I had my date with P -he explained he'd seen me at that event dancing with B (no -we were not at all very close and no PDA!) - was soooooo angry that he left and went out and got drunk. He was very awkward socially and had said some other odd things so I decided not to see him again. I found his reaction bizarre and found his telling me bizarre -we'd gone out once or twice at the most! So good for you for doing deep breathing and I'm sorry it kept bothering you. I can relate to the lingering and annoying feelings -felt exactly the same when I was unhappily single and unhappily childless - I endured some cruel comments from smug married people back in those days and it hurt and I too would have liked to throw a drink at one or two of them. But I didn't. I hope you feel better.

If you're simply not against making new friends - then please don't attempt it by having someone fly 3000 miles to meet you in person -be his online friend and make local friends. Surely you can find someone locally who you find interesting as a person and want to explore a friendship. Anecdotally-I'm trying to be more social again. I have a neighbor -she's probably 10 years younger than me and has a daughter 4 years younger than my son. I've known her for years -she lives one floor down. I got to know her and her husband some when we all waited at the same school bus stop for a few years some years ago. She's very smart, positive, always pleasant and slightly standoffish but more in a - does this make sense -cultural way given where she is from. Not personally. We run into each other fairly often -she hates to drive so we catch each other running errands as pedestrians! I decided - since I like to get outside to run an errand or a made up errand to get some fresh air -that I'd ask her if she wanted to meet up flexibly when we're both around afternoons for a walk in our park or similar. She used to go running with our former neighbor and she runs in the morning (which is when I exercise too but that's not a good arrangement). Surprisingly -she said yes she'd love to - and I will follow up or she will. It was -a little awkward asking - but I'm glad I reached out - I realized -sometimes the person is literally one floor down but you forget or you're not willing to make the effort and reach out. By contrast I've had an online friend for years now who I connected with through a real life friend. She lives far but comes to my city from time to time for her hobby. We haven't yet been able to connect but might meet later this month. I'd feel uncomfortable if she was making a special trip to meet me - especially since I cannot reciprocate. But it will be fun to meet her in person -however we already have an established friendship.

Yes as long as you are honest with her and yourself. I wouldn't try to analyze why -many people especially when they have sex feel vulnerable. I'm sorry she was abandoned and it's speculation that she needs sweet words from a near stranger because of her childhood experiences. I think it's fine you expressed feelings, etc - she wanted to have sex with you right away and you with her and that involves risk of emotional attachment. You didn't promise to be her exclusive boyfriend and it doesn't sound like you even made specific plans for another date. (In 2003 I dated a self-described reformed player - who was looking for his person, a wife. He never fell in love with me -I fell for him- he ended things after 5 months. He'd never been the relationship type and was then 40. 6 months later he met his future wife through a dating site -we met through friends- and they've been married almost 20 years-now he might not have been the relationship type still based on how he contacted me when he was engaged and early in his marriage -but from all I know they are still together). My point is -he definitely fell for her -and then became a "relationship type." With me -he cared for me a lot -it was obvious -and never fell for me so he kept his distance in that way and ended things after 5 months.

Yes I did that too and I am quite attune to and good at that. But when it comes to dating if I had the reaction he did -months after someone I'd dated a very short time or not at all - that will impede future dating. No one has to date. Thick skin is all about balance. Someone can embrace every emotion -I certainly did when I was thick skinned -and not react in a way that impedes living your life. Same goes for people who pursue challenging or competitive careers (I did, still do) -I'd never have gotten to where I am in knowledge, professional growth etc if I embraced every emotion and was sensitive and reacted by wallowing for months or even days - I'd have been fired or would have had to quit. Many artists I know are very sensitive and embrace every emotion AND are out there pursuing their art and facing tons of rejection if they are artists for a living or even if it's more like a side thing or hobby. I can't imagine any artist wallowing for months after their art -their baby-is rejected - and actually living life as an artist. That's what I mean. I am very very sensitive. I feel strong because I feel every emotion. The thick skin doesn't mean turning off any emotion or being "less sensitive." I'm glad you found perfection and just knew what to do. That's very fortunate! In my personal experience and indirect experience that is very rare. I like that part of it takes work, self-talk, fine tuning -then the rewards from the connection are even sweeter for me. I like that my husband and son see when I don't just know "what to do" and either apologize or they see me explaining what's frustrating or challenging in the situation. Again I'm glad it was so easy for you. OP -be yourself - if that self is a person who can show up, look nice, be nice on a date and with no expectations of a second date -or no expectations of even a first date -and if it does happen -well, great -then have fun on that date. Take it personally -feel what you feel - and choose to react with all the tools that a reasonably secure and confident person has in their arsenal to feel those feelings -embrace them! -and - have those feelings in the proper place in your life so you can live your life. One of my friends who is also late 50s after 10 weeks of interviewing for a dream job that seemed like a sure thing (she was let go from her previous position) - 10 weeks- didn't get the position. We talked about it yesterday -how sad she is. While we were talking she was covering a booth at a convention for an organization she is part of, dressed to the nines, meeting and greeting and even scored a meeting with a represenative from the company who just rejected her. She is sad. She is frustrated -she vented to me. And she is out there and even meeting the person from the very place that rejected her. She has always been a go getter and fighter in her professional and personal life with many obstacles -medical, family issues -you name it. That's what I mean.

I read the other responses and didn't pick up on that you might just not see him as your person -that you see potential in him but he is not your person. So you're going there with all the analysis/big words to avoid the simple basic stuff. And you see an out -or "boundaries" since he's going to a new school -but one which is close to you geographically. It's fine if you have good caring feelings that he should grow etc- most people do in certain ways in college. But it's not your role to date him so he can do that - certainly people in relationships grow in that way -I am 57 and my husband and I still are - of course! -but don't stay with someone so you can help them "grow" -that's more a parenting role or perhaps if you stay in touch as friends you two can talk about what you're all doing that's new whether activities, clubs, sports and you can sort of cheer him on and encourage him as a friend. As a partner -only if you respect and admire -and have chemistry with- the person he is right at this moment. Not so you don't "hurt" him.

You haven't said how long you have been dating -that certainly is a factor. I didn't marry my HS sweetheart -he was a year older than me and we sort of stayed together through his freshman year -he went to college far away. At the end of that year we officially broke up. But our 3 years together were great! My mom married her HS sweetheart as did my best friend in HS and they married in the late 80s. One of my relatives married her husband when they were both teenagers and now they're late 20s/30 with 3 kids and happy. I think you're focusing way too much on statistics. I beat the odds- I started dating my future husband the second time around (broke up years earlier) when we were in our late 30s -and we became married parents at age 42. We're 57 now. Oh and we were long distance this second time around for about half the time before we got engaged and even had somewhat of a commuter marriage for awhile as newlyweds and new parents -all stuff that's supposed to be risky to a marriage. Focus on your individual situation -head and heart. He's only a half hour away at college so you can date regularly. Would you be open to being allowed to date others? You seem to use a lot of big fancy words when a lot of it is basic common sense. Of course you're separate people. Of course you have friends/activities/sports outside of each other. That's just typical and basic. It's good you have stuff in common and common goals. There are no guarantees in any relationship - you decide if the risks outweigh the benefits. And using fancy terminology makes it harder to make that decision. It's head and heart -you have strong feelings for him, you have a lot in common -why not see how it goes this year? Relationships that are "doomed to failure" are typically those where there is a divergence of goals and values (see I can use big words too lol), or where one person is not yet divorced or where there is no chemistry. You're harping on your ages and stages in life -but plenty of couples who meet in HS are one year apart so inevitably- one person is gonna go to college. And he'll be really close by for now. If you decide to go to a far away college in a year from now -then you'll figure it out then. Are you going to do that? Of course you should go to the best college for you and no I wouldn't give that up just to be closer, all else equal. But you have time for that. Why not chill a bit and have fun and enjoy this lovely relationship?

Obviously no one ever knows for sure. In this particular circumstance I’d avoid meeting him. If he ever happens to be in your city or you in his I mean then sure. I met an ENA person many years ago who lived far from me and I met her because we happened to be visiting her city. We’d been in touch for years. And had she said she wanted to fly to meet me I’d have felt very uncomfortable even though it was a platonic friend.

Yes those are good and typical questions. A man who travels 3000 miles for a first meet when you haven't indicated you're looking for a serious relationship leading to long term commitment means there's more going on - with rare exception. Either he's looking for sex because it's easier if he then leaves your bed and town ASAP and can't be traced easily for pregnancy or STDs (or his partner/date finding out), or there's something very wrong with him or his past and not just that he's shy/quirky/nerdy. Or he's trying to scam you in some way which again living far away -if he lives where he says he does-makes it harder for you to get recourse.

I'd ask him before and I'd make it clear you're delighted to meet him during the day in a public place. Please also stay sober.

If he is not here anyway for family or business etc I'd be very concerned as to his motives and or mental health. Meeting in a public place lessens safety risk but it's likely to get very awkward and uncomfortable.

3,000 miles most often is a plane flight. It's a 5 hour flight or so from NYC-California. Figure 50-60mph driving.