Playing it By Ear: 5 Relationships Truths

The Symphony of 'We'll Play it By Ear'

You've likely heard the phrase "we'll play it by ear" at some point in your life. In the world of music, playing it by ear is a unique skill where a musician listens to a piece of music and then recreates it from memory without the aid of written music. In a broader sense, this phrase has been adopted in our everyday vernacular to mean going with the flow, responding to situations as they arise, and adapting to circumstances instead of strictly following a prearranged plan.

But how does this musical metaphor translate to our relationships? Does it sound harmonious or hit a sour note when applied to our interactions and expectations? Let's embark on a rich exploration of this seemingly simple idiom and unveil the 5 surprising truths behind it.

Truth #1: Playing it by Ear as a Dance of Spontaneity

The first truth about playing it by ear in relationships is that it invites a spirit of spontaneity. Often, relationships are bound by expectations and plans, which, while essential, can sometimes become rigid frameworks. In contrast, playing it by ear allows for an element of surprise, the unplanned, and the unforeseen. It's like dancing without choreography, moving with the rhythm of the moment.

In my career as a relationship counselor, I once worked with a couple who were quite different in their approach to life. James, the husband, was a meticulous planner, while his wife, Marie, was spontaneous and flexible. They found themselves clashing often, with James getting anxious over Marie's unpredictable ways and Marie feeling suffocated by James's rigid planning.

It was only when they learned to 'play it by ear' that they started enjoying their relationship more. They discovered a balance - James understood the beauty of unplanned moments, while Marie realized the stability that some level of planning provided. They learned to dance to the tune of life, sometimes following the steps, and at other times, freestyling.

Truth #2: It's About Communication, not Assumption

Another surprising truth about playing it by ear is that it doesn't mean ignoring communication. It's not an excuse to avoid discussing things or making decisions. Instead, it is a commitment to remain open, flexible, and adaptable as circumstances change.

I remember another case where a young couple, Lily and Mike, used 'playing it by ear' as a way to avoid difficult conversations. "We'll just play it by ear," they would say, delaying serious discussions about their future. The avoidance led to assumptions and misunderstandings, and eventually, they found themselves feeling disconnected and confused about where their relationship was heading.

When they sought my help, we worked on effective communication strategies and learned to play it by ear in the real sense. This meant remaining flexible about the future, but not using this flexibility as a reason to avoid open and honest conversations about their expectations and desires.

Truth #3: Playing by Ear Encourages Adaptability

Truth number three: 'playing it by ear' fosters adaptability. In relationships, adaptability is the ability to adjust to new conditions, changes, and unexpected situations. It's about embracing change and not being daunted by deviations from the 'plan.'

I recall working with a single mother, Sophia, who was struggling to re-enter the dating world. She was anxious about the uncertainty of new relationships and how they would fit into her pre-established life with her son. The idea of 'playing it by ear' initially terrified her, as she was used to control and predictability.

As we progressed through our sessions, Sophia gradually learned to let go of control and embrace the unpredictable nature of dating. She started to see 'playing it by ear' not as a source of anxiety but as a way to adapt to her new life. It allowed her to navigate her dating life while still prioritizing her role as a mother.

Truth #4: It Requires Trust and Understanding

The fourth truth is that 'playing it by ear' requires trust and understanding. When you agree to 'play it by ear' in a relationship, you are placing trust in the other person, and you are seeking understanding from them in return.

In another experience, I counseled a couple, Lauren and Carlos, who were on the verge of breaking up because of their inability to trust each other. Their relationship was fraught with misunderstandings and disappointments. They felt uncertain about their future, and their immediate response was to try and control each other to ease their anxiety.

As they learned to 'play it by ear,' they realized that it required them to trust each other more and to be more understanding. They learned that every relationship has a degree of unpredictability, and the best way to handle it was to trust, understand, and adapt.

Truth #5: 'Playing it by Ear' is a Skill that Can Be Learned

The fifth and final truth: 'playing it by ear' is a skill that can be learned and refined over time. It's not an innate talent that some people have and others don't. It's a skill that requires practice, patience, and conscious effort.

I worked with a highly structured individual named Paul who had a detailed plan for every aspect of his life. The concept of 'playing it by ear' was alien to him, and he struggled with even the slightest deviation from his plans. But when his rigidity started affecting his relationship with his partner, he decided to make a change.

Through a series of exercises and consistent practice, Paul learned to loosen his grip on his stringent plans and embraced the idea of playing it by ear. He discovered that this skill, far from being an indicator of a lack of control, actually gave him greater control over his reactions and emotions. He learned to adapt, to be resilient, and to dance with the flow of life.

The Art of Playing it By Ear in Relationships

In the symphony of relationships, 'playing it by ear' can often seem like an improv jazz performance—thrilling, a bit scary, but incredibly rewarding. It invites spontaneity, encourages open communication, fosters adaptability, requires trust and understanding, and can be learned as a valuable skill. So next time you hear 'we'll play it by ear,' embrace it as a beautiful melody that enriches your relationships and helps you grow as an individual.

Remember, life doesn't always go according to plan, and that's okay. Just like the best musicians, those who can play by ear, adapt, and create beautiful music no matter the circumstances are the ones who truly enjoy the concert of life. So, dare to 'play it by ear,' and enjoy the music!

Recommended Reading:

1. "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle - for its insightful exploration of the importance of living in the present.
2. "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix - for its profound insights into understanding and improving relationship dynamics.
3. "Emotional Agility" by Susan David - for its guide on how to navigate life's twists and turns with resilience and flexibility.