After a year I'm still in love with HER

I'm writing this just to talk about the love of my life, take of it what you will, and if you want to give me any advice you're free to tell me.

I don't want to give out real names so my name is Fred and her name Jamie in this.

I never believed in love at first sight, only lust at first sight, I thought all that fairy tale was absolute poppycock. Well, I was struck wrong one day; I never have actually pushed my friends off to just get a look at this Jamie. To me she was a goddess, at the time I just called it 'seduction.' I've seen naked girls, absolute ten's and saw guys worshiping them but to me I just strolled by, saw them and became aroused but I would never care to much because of their looks. Women never truly had that affect but Jamie, I don't know when I first laid eyes on her I loved her. We ended up dating and it was euphoric, I loved every minute I spent with her. before I met her my feelings in life were ' I think I can take on the world,' but once i dated her it changed to 'i know i can take on the world' but eventually around 8 months down the relationship I became depressed.

When you're depressed you don't really notice, but I'm the type of person who likes to blame himself for everything, but all I could find fault in is Jamie. It had to be her right? Well, in short, it wasn't. I was depressed because I wasn't going forward in life and wasn't set on my major for college, and didn't have a job. Jamie and I just hung out and I played games all day eventually just depressed myself even further I became 'existing not living,'

I never became emotionally avaliable for her, I never told her how jealous I was of the guys she hanging with and never told her how scared I was for going to my major (leaving this out) and I ended up just bottling everything up. Then after a year and half into our relationship I called it quits, we fought almost everyday and I blamed her for it all. Once it happened I WAS HAPPY ALL THE PRESSURE WAS OFF.

After a week, I realized how wrong I was and realized it was on me and I needed to internalize everything on my own. Well after a couple weeks she said she'd give me a chance to make things right, which gave me hope.

What destroyed me is her best friend 'sydney' was there for her and she started to developing feelings for sydney destroyed me, in the end she wanted to be with sydney or atleast give him a chance.

When I spent a weekend with her she told me a method to help me get through a break-up with her and that method waste emotionally hurt me that way... well stop me from how i feel right now. It obviously didn't work but everyday I tried toughening up and vowed to myself that no matter I've got to keep my chin up and work through everything and take the blows she is throwing at me, and eventually she'll get tired and realize it wouldn't work.

Well, one day my brother (He was a heroin addict) was trying to mug my mother with the car with a gun (he is in state prison) and when I heard the news I was having a panic attack the images of it were killing me and I needed to hear from Jamie so bad, she could stop it all with jsut her voice. I called her and just told her to talk to me about anything to calm me down and i asked her if she was happy and her response was 'I'm dating sydney now' well mixed with the visions and how emotionally destructive that sentence was I just broke.

I couldn't bear myself to talk to her but she tried contacting me three times within following 2 months but I would give her the cold shoulder and end the conversation faster than it started. I tried getting into a relationship to mask all the pain and thats exactly what I did.

Fastforward about a year and here I am, I've thought about Jamie everyday, miss her, love her, and would do anything for her. The relationship I got in 'Melissa' I'm still in today, but sadly I forcibly replicated the feelings for 'Jamie' for Melissa, and now I just couldn't do it anymore and told melissa I'm not inlove with her and just want to be friends with her. She is suicidal if I do break up with her so I'm stuck in a relationship with Melissa (serves me right to have this poor girl fall inlove with me while I was trying to get over a relationship).

So what to do now? I'm going to start talking to Jamie, again and as much as I love her and would marry that girl in a god damn instant if she came to me; I understand she's moved and I'm coming to terms with that. I just want to befriend her, and be the best friend she has ever had. If I can't be boyfriend then I'm going to be her bestfriend; I'm going to do this in 2 weeks in the meantime I'm trying to brainwash myself by telling myself 'Jamie and You do not have any chance of becoming anything more than friends, there is no hope, lose all hope, it's hopeless.' that way whenever i get the feeling that her and i can be more than friends I'll just remember this, that way I don't mess up my friendship with her.

That's my story, I could write about 5 hours more in detail about everything, but this will do.

Take of it what you will.

P.S. I want to befriend her because If I don't I feel like I'd regret for the rest of my life and if I can avoid that I will.

You sound way too dependent on relationships and you don't really know yourself all that well. Also your intentions are not honest or respectful. They are self centered and dependent. What do you want out of life that doesn't involve Jamie? Do you have confidence in life that you could live a fulfilling life without the presence of Jamie. From how you write, I don't think you have this level of confidence. It sounds like you didn't respect Jamie truly, because you still don't know how to respect yourself. I would recommend you drop your devious plans to be Jamie's best friend. More likely than not, she will not want anything to do with you. She will sniff our your intentions in a heart beat and you will still be obsessing over this "love" you had together. Work on yourself and find self respect before you waste the time an energy of another woman. Otherwise you will be floating down a river of disfunction, anger and confusion. Good Luck!

Sometimes thinks just don't work out. And they won't no matter how hard you break you head . I knw the feeling you have to have Jamie in your life in any form but if you do that you cannot move on. The state you are in think of Jamie as a drug . You will always want it but the more you have it the more damaged you are going to become. But no matter how many people give you advices it's you who has to choose to have the drug or avoid it. It's hard as hell I know but it is not impossible if u decide and try to stick to it . Hope you make the right decision

I can understand where you are coming from and if I had come to here earlier I would probably follow what you say. I agree with you I was dependant on relationships, now I'm in with melissa and the only thing I want to do is be single. I don't want any relationship, there is truly no need for it 'my heart still belongs to jamie' you could put it.

I'd like to clarify one thing you said there are no 'devious plans.' I wholeheartedly want to be friends with her; I've accepted her and I won't workout but that doesn't means we can't be friends? It's a very fine line between the two and I hope to just be there for her when I can and as you put it work on myself. thanks for the insight

Thank you, I hope I'm making the right decision as well