Breakup Advice: Struggling and Would Appreciate Help

Thanks in advance for taking the time to visit this post. I have recently gone through a breakup and am not in a good place. I’d appreciate any thoughts you’d be willing to share regarding this situation and, perhaps more importantly, the moral implications going forward. I’ll explain what I mean by implications a bit later but thought it might be helpful to give a background on myself.

I was very fortunate to grow up in a good neighborhood near a major city. I have a wonderful supporting family who still lives in this neighborhood. I was a golfer growing up and focused much of my energy on competing in tournaments. High school wasn’t the greatest experience for me, but I developed a love for the game of golf and for the people it connected me with (not just successful people but people who were social, driven, and generally interesting). And so the decision to go to college was heavily influenced by my passion. I went far away to college, which I think was one of the best decisions of my life since I was a bit of a homebody. In any event, after about 3 years of focusing on golf and academics, I got my first girlfriend. This post isn’t about that relationship but bear with me and you’ll see how it’s relevant. In short, it was an unhealthy relationship that spanned 3 years on and off. After college, I interviewed during my senior year both in the area where I went to school and in my home state. I decided that, all else being somewhat equal, I would take the job that was far away from home to be near her. This was a gamble because my senior spring was derailed by her cheating on me and leaving me. This led to me hitting just about every party of the semester. In hindsight, I’m glad this forced me to live in a way that I hadn’t previously. I never slept with anyone but went a little crazy. Everyone should have some fun in college because life is too short.

Now that college was over, though, I figured things may actually work out. The other guy was out of the picture for good and things went fairly well once we got back together. The only issue was that my college was a good 3 hours from where this new job was, so beyond her family (who was within an hour), I didn’t have much of a support system. Work was full of young ambitious people, but there wasn’t much going on outside the office. At least it was a warm climate and I had golf. I spent a summer hanging out at her place on the weekends until the inevitable happened and it ended. I was devastated, especially given that she jumped straight into something new with a 40 year old (we were 23). After months of sorrow, I realized that it simply wasn’t right and that I could hold my head high. After all, her parent’s hoped we’d marry and couldn’t possibly be on her side with her latest fiasco (at least that’s how I rationalized it anyway). I was faithful the whole time and tried as hard as I possibly could. In the eyes of many, it was much too hard. I knew this time that there was nothing else I could do. Eventually, I was at peace and simply used it as motivation to move on. A few mutual friends worked in the office, but it was a big office so that wasn’t a huge issue. I did everything they say to do. She was blocked on Facebook and there was no contact. This was somewhat easy since I really felt she acted in a low-class way on several occasions. I buried her I the past.

I used that original breakup as motivation to succeed. As they say, massive success is the best revenge. I focused on my fitness and on my golf game. I was in my second year of the job and it started to go well, to the point where I could receive a significant promotion to a new city if it continued. I was a leader on my team and developed a group of good friends and had finally found myself. They said the next person would come along when you least expect it so I really didn’t try. I just focused on myself. Finally, my career goal had started to materialize and I stated the interview process for a promotion, focusing my search on locations closer to home. This was it, everything was firing on all cylinders and I couldn’t be more excited. And then it happened.

She was a few years out of school and had just joined the company. In the past, I’d never let myself think about dating someone in the office, but it’s a very large office full of young people with similar characteristics and by this time I had seen countless couples successfully date in the office. And so, even though I knew there was risk and that the timing was about as bad as possible, I went for it. The minute I saw her, I was awe-struck. I know that sounds silly but it’s the truth. I began to help her with her new job and we started to hang out. After only a few weeks, I approached her when we were the last two in the gym and asker her out. It got hot and heavy quickly. I couldn’t believe I had finally found someone. I was utterly obsessed with her and so happy to have someone that was a good person and treated me nicely. She’d actually text me more than I would text her, and I happily stopped whatever I was doing to take her calls. I wrote her poems, helped her with personal finances, helped her brother build a website, taught her to play golf, and acted as a mentor to her for the job.

Tension began when she didn’t want anyone to know. I respected this for a couple of months since she was new, but after a while I began to wonder why. Mixed messages began to appear. She got a birth control injection in her arm for me, but she told me we weren’t together. Examples like this left me scratching my head, but since things were going well I suppose I ignored her lack of verbal communication and took her actions to mean we really were together. When it came time for me to leave for the new gig, I told myself I would need a commitment and that I wouldn’t be label-free and long distance. Yet, that is what ended up happening. It was ok, though, because we talked all day every day, we video chatted first thing when we woke up every morning, and she came to visit twice early on. She bought the tickets and even suggest she meet my parents during on trip (I happily agreed but wouldn't have suggested it yet). I knew she was a private person by nature (for example, she has FB profile but rarely uses it). Perhaps she just needed more time to fully enter a relationship. But she would refer to me (only half-jokingly) and a F*** buddy. I’ve never had one of those and it really wasn’t what I was looking for. The physical intimacy was amazing, but her apparent lack of caring began to eat at me.

The beginning of the end came when we both qualified for an international trip with the company. It was really for pleasure, not work, so I thought we’d be able to see each other. At this point, we’d been going on 7 months (in whatever form she wanted to call it). The fact that she was still keeping it secret was becoming distressing. HR had no issues with dating in the office and you could actually make the argument that being in a committed relationship, even inter-office, was preferable to being single because it would be assumed you were partaking in after hours activities in the case of the latter. And as I already established, there weren’t many options as who to partake in these activities with outside the office, but I digress. She called the trip “a girls trip” and didn’t seem to care if we saw each other despite the fact that it had been about 6 weeks since we had been together. She got even more distant after the first night and texted her to ask her why that was. As it turns out, one of the 3 people that knew about us (my close friends at the company), somehow let something slip. She found out and was now mad at me. I still couldn’t figure this out but I essentially panicked. Being out of the country and all, I was distraught over the whole thing and tried to confront her to make it better (another mistake). There was a formal dinner where I approached her and she actually turned her back to me. At this point, I lost it. I caught her coming out of the restroom and yelled at her that this was ‘childish BS’.

Since that night, I have regretted not walking away. I was just overwhelmed by emotion and lost control of my temper. It was hurtful that she didn’t even care to see me. We continued to talk, but it was over. She said she wasn’t going to come visit the next month and that she could only be friends. I figured I needed to be friends since I ruined it in the first place. I couldn’t block someone that I truly cared about and that didn’t really wrong me, right? That was roughly 3 months ago and I am still dealing with it. Part of the problem is that she messages me on our inter-office communicator. Just random things about work and what’s going on with her clients. It’s never about how I’m doing. Because I can’t bring myself to block her, I’ve let this drag on. I’ll go stretched without contacting her, but then cave. It’s bad. I know I’ve lost all control and the worst part is that I don’t feel like I can hold my head high like before. I feel like I betrayed her wish for privacy and then embarrassed her by yelling at her. I told her nothing bad would come from dating in the office and then something bad DID happen. I feel like a sum bag and that I lost the girl of my dreams. She said she doesn’t hate me, but won’t try it again. I’m at a loss as to what to do. It’s hard to use this as motivation because in addition to sorrow, I feel guilt. It’s unlike the previous time. It doesn’t help that I’m still trying to establish myself in this new area. I can drive home on any given weekend, and despite the fact that I’ve done that several times, it hasn’t seemed to help that much. I feel like a broken man just running home. The job is great but it’s a more senior role, which means most of the guys I work with (it’s a male dominated industry) are 30’s and 40’s. It’s a very difficult time given everything I went through before and thinking I had finally found what I was looking for.

Now on the plus side, I’ll just be turning 25 later this summer and I’m closer to family and in an area that is presumably a great spot to be single (NY). My male friends tell me to go bang another chick and forget about it but this doesn’t help very much. So I suppose this is where I need help. It doesn’t feel like last time when I knew I tried EVERYTHING and it was dead. Was she just feeling pressure for a fling since I was the one getting the promotion and she didn’t want to reject me? Did those signs of interest and commitment mean she truly cared? Should I block her? Should I try to get her back? Do I treat sex too seriously? Am I bad person for making those mistakes? If a guy made those mistakes with you, would you forgive him? Am I being too hard on myself? Do any women actually think not sleeping around is a valued trait anymore? There are many things I’m uncertain about and would appreciate any thoughts that anyone is willing to share. Thanks so much for reading.

I couldn’t believe I had finally found someone. I was utterly obsessed with her and so happy to have someone that was a good person and treated me nicely.

Perhaps this is the problem in your relationships. Being obsessed with people and doing "everything" for them is very unhealthy.

Right now is probably a good time to stay single. Do not pursue her any longer. I do think that you sound kind of intense and that you also don't see what your contribution is to the relationship struggles. While it's great that you want to do things for your partner and that you take sex seriously, it sounds like you see yourself as a victim and that your partner should act/feel the same way you do or it's not enough. That's a lot to put on anyone.

I also think that if things are not working for you or starting to feel wrong (like your uncertainty about her not acknowledging the relationship at your job) then that's when you need to address it and get out if it's not resolved. Instead it seems like you wait around for the person to change, which likely isn't going to happen.

Thanks for the reply. You make good points. It's tough to change who I am.. I am simply an intense and compassionate person.

Things are better, but I still think about her every day and how, if I were just more chill about the whole thing, it'd probably have lasted. But then again, maybe it was a square peg and a round hole and one way or another it was never going to last.

My plan is definitely to stay single for now.