He's dragging his feet. I think I need to move out.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years and living together for about two. We've been discussing marriage since earlier this year; we even went to look at rings a few months ago. He said that he planned on proposing by September, but now that September is approaching, he's saying it will probably be the end of the year. Recently, we were talking about money, and he made a comment that he isn't saving anything right now, so I'm wondering if he actually has a plan to buy a ring and propose?

I've told him before I don't really care so much about an expensive ring; all I really need is him. But he insists on getting a really nice ring and paying cash for it. I kind of get the feeling that he is dangling a carrot in front of me to keep me around. The way the relationship is now, it's like we're married, so why would he need to propose? But for me, I need that commitment. Call me old fashioned if you want, but it’s what I need. I've made it clear that I'm ready to take the next step. I'm not asking for an expensive ring or wedding, just a commitment.

To make it even more stressful (for me at least), everyone I know is getting engaged and married. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. Anyway, the lease on the house we live in is over in a couple of months and he is talking about us moving into a new place. The problem is that I feel really strongly that if I sign another lease, he'll just keep putting off proposing that much longer. And it's causing me to lose my self respect. I've done a lot of thinking, and I think it's time for me to move into my own place. I don't know if that means ending the relationship. I'd be fine continuing to date, but at least I wouldn't be, as I've heard it put, "giving the milk away for free". The problem is that I don't know how to broach the subject with him. Any thoughts?

I think you put it right already....that you're think for various reasons you need to live on your own for awhile and that you're not sure if that means ending the relationship or dating while living apart. That you're not confident things are moving forward and you want to get back in touch with your independence and self-respect.

You seem to have a clear idea of how you're feeling...now to express it!!

I think it makes sense that if you feel your needs aren't being met to take a step back. That is, continuing to date but getting your own place. You want to marry him but you really don't want to pressure him but neither do you want to feel resentful and taken advantage of.

How old are you guys?

I definitely don't want to pressure him and I hate the idea of an ultimatum. You're right, my needs aren't being met and I need to do this for myself.

He's 35 and I'm 29.

I think 4 years at your ages is a reasonable amount of time to wait. It's not like you are 22 or something where I would say wait longer. I agree just tell him how you feel like you told us, you don't wish to renew a lease with him at this time.

I lived together with my bf for a while. We had spoken of marriage but it seemed like I was pressuring him and since we already lived together, I felt in a really bad position. I got my own place and told him that it would take the pressure off of him, and I would regain my self respect since I felt so strongly about things. I think he got the message! And thank god I did that because he's not proposing any time soon. We might actually be breaking up for other reasons. Follow your gut.

It's tough to talk with him sometimes. He will literally pace the floor when we have to discuss something uncomfortable. I guess I just need to spit it out and hope he understands.

I lived together with my bf for a while. We had spoken of marriage but it seemed like I was pressuring him and since we already lived together, I felt in a really bad position. I got my own place and told him that it would take the pressure off of him, and I would regain my self respect since I felt so strongly about things. I think he got the message! And thank god I did that because he's not proposing any time soon. We might actually be breaking up for other reasons. Follow your gut.

Thank you. Even though I'm sure it was tough, it sounds like you made the right decision. Good luck with everything.

I would recommend taking a step back to appreciate that there are different gender expectations happening here, which seem to be colliding.

1) You have the expectation that he will propose (presumably because he's "the guy")

2) You have the expectation that he'll propose soon, as you feel it's "timely" and that your friends are going through the process of getting married

3) He has the expectation of proposing "the right way"--with a nice ring, with solid foundations, etc.

You seem both to be on the same page as far as 1) goes, but 2) and 3) are clashing. I don't think you can brush aside the fact that he wants to propose under better conditions. Guys are typically under pressure to do this.

Of course, I'm a proponent of throwing tradition to the wind. If you want to get married I think you should propose. But if you're not going to go that route and instead act out in traditional ways, you need to be wary that he might be doing the same as well.

I've made it clear that I'm ready to take the next step. I'm not asking for an expensive ring or wedding, just a commitment.

 

The thing is though, that "commitment" you are asking for means a lot more (and will cost a lot more in the long run) than an expensive ring or wedding. So you can't make it sound like you aren't asking for much.

Getting married is a very, very big deal and he's entitled to take his time with that. You are also entitled to take a step back and consider ending the relationship (IF you believe he is unlikely to commit to you in a time period that works for you) and consider dating others who are more in that head space of wanting a commitment like marriage in their lives.

It's a gamble either way.

I just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation but you have been living with/together much longer than we have and you have every right to feel impatient and the way you do. Guys don't understand that it is not because women want to pressure them, but our biological clocks work much differently than theirs do. We have a lot of pressure to get married, have kids, etc. And it's true people DO think it's weird when we don't. We have a tougher position because of the old traditions, men are the ones with all the control in this matter. It's a very anxious feeling having to leave your "fate" in someone elses hands so to speak. Why are women expected to wait around for guys to make decisions and commitments? And if we expect something more we are considered "pressuring" them. If a man wanted something we'll use sex as an example, they would be getting impatient and pressuring us for it... So why is it ok for them to want/need things, but women wanting real true commitment is considered pressuring.

Kudos to you or lasting 4 years, I'm only 14 months into a relationship (living together for 7 months) and we have all the engagement, marriage, kid talks to and I'm already getting a bit impatient that my left ring finger has been rubbed now for 8-9 months and still no ring on it!

Wow, I hate to hear that you feel like you are losing respect for yourself. Keeping quiet at this point is only going to make you feel worse. I would not nag him nor give an ultimatum. I would tell him how happy it would make you just wearing a simple wedding band after the vows. I am a woman, but I believe that men feel tremendous stress and pressure when trying to figure out how in the heck they are going to afford these big rocks they think we want! I am going through this right now with one of my guy friends. He loves his girl to death but has been putting off proposing because he really can't afford the type of ring he thinks she deserves. Get online and show him some of the beautiful CZ engagement rings out there! Let him know how much happier you would be seeing the ring money spent on a downpayment for your first house together.

Now, if he is still dragging his feet, it might be time for you to move on. Let him know that you love him dearly but after all this time you all just aren't on the same page. Move out and get on with your life. I know that its easier said than done, but you owe it to yourself.