Mixed signals after it's all said and done...

I’ve always found this quote very interesting, and obviously true in my life: “That you’re saying can’t be true because it’s strange; to be true, it needs to be stranger.”

Friends, this post is going to be a pretty long one. I don’t think there is any better place than ENA to discuss all these.

Okay, she was the most amazing girl I’ve ever met, and boys can ever dream of. I’m 23, she’s 22. It's been 6 months now since she broke up with me [okay, 'dumped' me as you say it here] after we had the most wonderful relationship on earth for 4.5 years. Breakup was purely due to that classic 'Grass is greener syndrome'. [some of our mutual friends still can’t/don’t believe the BU has actually happened; I don’t blame them, I myself too find it difficult to believe at times ].

Things we had common:

-Our goals and thoughts in life were pretty similar

-We had the greatest trust on each other.

Things we had differed:

-I’m a bit introvert type while she is extremely extrovert type; so the way of thinking was different at times.

-I liked to have things planned while she was totally of ‘go-with-flow’ nature.

That time I had lost my job, and was not at all doing well in final year study. And she dumped me [gosh I hate this word] at this lowest point of my life when I needed her most. I just saw things happening how she felt 'out of love' and became desperate to get that colleague guy she used to call 'just a friend'. Although that guy and she had plenty of similarities and dissimilarities in mind set, the two of them seemed to totally gone with the flow of attraction to each other. I just couldn't fight the novelty.

Definitely there were other small and big issues that played part in the breakup, but none of those were something 'unsolvable'. And she couldn't show any solid reason why there should be breakup. Sometimes she said she was too much attracted to the new guy, sometimes said she just wanted a break and wanted to be alone.

However, I decided to go NC on January after 5-6 weeks of self-respect-less begging and pleading. I've been on and off NC since then. I never broke NC by myself so far. But I didn't want to go hard; so took my time and started wrapping up things slowly as much as possible.

To decide to move on was the toughest decision in my life and I took the decision ignoring all my eternity. I really wanted to see her happy, may it be with the GIGS guy [for whom she broke up mainly]. I wanted to disappear from her life.

Now the problem is that she keeps me calling/texting once every 1-2 weeks. Whenever she calls me, her voice sounds very depressed and loanly. She expresses all kinds of emotions like crying, objecting, adoring and what not. At times it seems she is trying to get the old feelings that we had shared for over 4 years together. But she never really tells it to me directly. Whenever she called, I talked very friendly for few minutes. There were times when I almost collapsed in emotion hearing to her sweetest voice which was once only for me. But I've managed to keep myself calm to respond to her emotions [better to say I've pretended, while bleeding inside the whole time].

It's very evident from her words that she is always feeling extremely guilty for what she did with me, but yet can't really help it. Strangely enough, I keep her consoling the whole time and encourage her to move on with whatever she feels best for her. But she seems to be totally stuck in a moment..so helpless..so hopeless. She asks me hundred times if I hate her. I say the truth - NO [i have never lied to her ever till now]. She asks why I don't hate her.

If I had started to hate may be she could have moved on easier. I laugh, not knowing what to say. I know this is not how I should go NC. But the factors that she is alone in the city and she has all kind of self-destructive thoughts in mind refrain me going hard on her / on NC. I can't imagine she is in trouble desperately crying needing someone but can't reach me as I'm not receiving calls due to NC. She often falls ill and have nightmares crying and I can't let her get lost in fear.

I asked her several times why she still contacts me when she really doesn't wanna make anything happen. Her reply was even more frightening for me - Believe me I don't wanna call you, but when I feel I can't take it anymore, I may do something suicidal any moment if I don't hear your voice, only then I call you.

At this point I feel I'm over the situation in 6 months but not yet over her. But she is in stuck in the same phase where she was 6 months back ['I-love-you-but-I-am-not-in-love-with-you' phase]. I really wonder why she didn't/couldn't love the GIGS guy. Whenever I ask her about that guy, she doesn't answer. This is the most confusing part for me. Last time when I forced her to tell me about it, she cried and said that the only person she had ever dreamed of to spend the whole life was me. I got even more confused as I'm pretty sure she is in good regular contact with him.

Here are some of the sms she sent me during last few months:

In last few months I'm going through a complete rebuilding process for myself to develop self-belief and confidence, took some language courses and started paying lot more attention to myself. I started my own business and doing really good in studies. I'm not yet in my target though [to have a disciplined and successful life and become more attractive physically], but I feel I'll have it in line by next few months. But I'm too worried with my ex's life. It is simply been aimless and going nowhere. And to make things worse, she has totally lost enthusiasm to even think anything deeply.

So, I'm in now great dilemma what to do. I want to move on, and more importantly I want to see her happy, no matter what it costs me. Sometimes I feel I make another attempt to re-conciliate everything. But next moment I remember those days when she kept me rejecting most hurtfully everyday.

Please suggest what to do. Should I wait unless I’m totally healed and confident with myself? Or I should approach her again right now?

Thanks in advance.

……………………………………………………………..

My first language is not English…sorry if I wrote things in a complicated way

I've been in a similar experience so I'll give my opinion.

First all... re-conciliation is out of the question. A long term relationship with this woman will destroy you, for now at least.

Secondly, you have good intentions and you obviously care about her enough to help her with which looks like kind of depression and some other issues. It sounds like you've tried loads of times to be there for her; to try and make her happy. If this is true then I'm afraid there is nothing more you can do at the moment.

Give it time until you feel healed and confident again to check up on her. Concentrate on yourself for now; make yourself happy.

Thanks for your suggestion Horrordown.

However, I have a hypothesis in mind why she may have been sending all these mixed signals - It's because the 'cache memory' that is not being deleted from human mind.

As you know web browsers store a web page's settings, contents etc in browser's 'cache memory' when a website is loaded first time. This is done so that when the webpage loads next time, it loads faster using some of the previously stored settings from its cache memory.

Later, sometimes the webpage has changes, but our browser may not show the updated page properly as part of the page loads from cache memory. In this case we need to manually delete the cache memory to see changes.

Same thing is happening here I guess. We had issues in past. To be specific, she had particular expectations from me which I failed to fulfill; sometimes due to limitations, sometimes due to other reasons. So, all these unfulfilled desires created scars in her heart. I became so predictable to her what I'd act in any given situation.

Now when things are changed and all those unfulfilled desires are reachable, even then she can't really refresh her old mindset and show full confidence on me due to 'human mind cache memory'.

How can I help her delete all these memories from cache?

I see what you mean.

Well, you need to show her by your actions. You mentioned that u became predictable... so be a bit impulsive and do so being confident.

Approach her where she'll never think of bumping into you and suggest something you guys can go do which you'll both enjoy. In fact, don't even suggest it.. just tell her to get her things and come with, in a polite funny attitude of course. Replace those memories from cache by your new awesome ones

Actions speak louder than words, man.

Your heart is in the right place. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Thanks again Harrowdown!

I understand I need to show her the changes. But as I said... even though I'm changing, she is not having any opportunity / scope to see that or feel that. To add to that, her own life is in complete disarray. My greater concern is now to help her .. but no idea how to approach Any suggestion for that?

I am in a very similar situation including leaving me at my lowest, the GIGS, was a long-term relationship and lived together, she's actually more structured but we're not at all introvert-extroverts- we both go through phases and it's fun. We're both 21 and she tells me she just "fell out of love" with me and denies it being totally because of the other guy, even though she was with him the next day.

I want her to be happy, too, but the truth is it's not your responsibility anymore. I wish I could make her happy, but apparently I cant, so I'm not trying. I believe in her to make herself happy. Don't make any attempts to reconcile - she left you, she has to want you back and there's nothing in the world that you can do to make her want you back. She has to look back ON HER OWN into her cache, so to speak, and see all those reasons why she originally fell in love with you and come to the conclusion that those are all still true and she still loves those reasons.

My ex actually had made a list in one of her journal entries (she shared them with me sometimes) of all the things she loved about me. I found it the other day at our old apartment and was relieved to see that ever single thing she wrote about me was still true - I didn't change, her priorities did. When she's done doing what she's doing, maybe she'll think of those priorities again and realize that she went way off track. And maybe she'll come to the conclusion that she values other things more.

Either way it's ALL HER, not me at all. I just have to be the best me that I can be, grow, but be myself, and give the whole thing as much time and space as I can muster. I know how she likes to revisit the past and read through her journals - this new relationship will fall short eventually and she will have to reflect and either want me or not want me. I do not want her if she doesn't love me, and I cannot affect that at all besides just being me.

I know that sucks, and it's a long journey through the mind for each of you, but there's no shortcut to meaningful reconciliation. It involves pain, time, lessons, and growth. True love conquers all. If this isn't conquered, it wasn't true love, so just go about your merry way and go back to looking for it.

What if you decide to move on and find an awesome mate and then this girls snaps out of her unaligned priorities and comes back to you???

think real hard before you respond. I am trying to move on and possibly may move on as well. In similar situation as well

Thanks again Harrowdown!

 

I understand I need to show her the changes. But as I said... even though I'm changing, she is not having any opportunity / scope to see that or feel that. To add to that, her own life is in complete disarray. My greater concern is now to help her .. but no idea how to approach Any suggestion for that?

Sorry NeonLight, I have no idea.

Looking back at when I was in your situation I realized that it didn't matter what I did. She just didn't want my help even though a few times it looked like she was begging for it.

What if you decide to move on and find an awesome mate and then this girls snaps out of her unaligned priorities and comes back to you???

 

think real hard before you respond. I am trying to move on and possibly may move on as well. In similar situation as well

Move on. You can deal with that situation when she comes back to you.

What if you decide to move on and find an awesome mate and then this girls snaps out of her unaligned priorities and comes back to you???

 

think real hard before you respond. I am trying to move on and possibly may move on as well. In similar situation as well

If the timing doesn't align, it doesn't align. If I am in a serious relationship, there's not a damn chance I'll drop everything and take her back. She's a big girl - she'll be fine on her own. I told her from day one I'm not waiting, and I'm not. All the more reason for her to think long and hard about what she's given up and what she traded it for.

Tonight there is a girl crying on her mirror...And here I am wondering at FB what to do. Wondering why I'm not with her.. wondering why I can't just take her in my arms and say, baby, see, here we are, so close, together, there is really nothing to fear.......

Guys, that has been my status message in facebook.

Thanks to you all for responding. But as you can see - I'm still in same dilemma as I was in before - What to do?

Should I focus only on myself to become what I always wanted to be? Yes, I can do that, my logical mind says that would be more appropriate. But at the same time it sounds kinda 'selfish' to me. The girl I love and care with all my existence...should I just leave her on fate?

I know I'm not in a position to help her... but I can't really accept this fact. I really don't wanna care about me.

I know this is a very old post. My situation is exactly like this until the point where your ex comes up with suicide notes. My ex has broken up with me 2 months ago but still messages, calls and tries to hang out with me.

It's sad you never got any reply to this post. I would like to know what happened.

Would love to know what happened during the past couple years! Hopefully op will update us soon.

Not sure why I replied in this post since it's 5 years old..... guess I was just desperate for answers. The OP will probably never update.

Most people stay on these forums until they've moved on or they got back with their ex and don't always care to explain what happened.