breaking the addiction

Okay, so I've analyzed, rationalized, and intellectualized the ex-boyfriend into a nice, neat little package with a label that reads: "lost cause."

I do not wish for a reconciliation nor even for any contact.

I have come to accept that he is a not a viable partner for me, and never will be.

But...

Emotionally I am still attached to him. I still have that nagging little voice in my head saying, "what if you never meet another guy that has the qualities you loved in him and desire in a mate?"

I see and hear things all around me that remind me of him, and bring that twinge of pain to my heart.

How do I break that emotional attachment?

In looking at my past history with relationships, I have come to believe that the only thing which really and truly helped me get over someone completely was to enter into a new and more satisfying relationship. I know this is not a healthy pattern, and I would like to really try and learn how to be okay with a break up without needing someone else to prove to me that he was not the last man alive for me.

Previous posts on this site have suggested techniques such as "thought stopping," but I find I have a difficult time with this, and it doesn't really address the greater, internal issue.

Does anyone have other suggestions on how to break an addiction to someone we know is bad for us, and truly be okay and comfortable on our own, and be confident that there is someone else out there who will make us happy and *not* leave us?

any thoughts, suggestions or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

thanks,

-dE

Do things for yourself, such as getting a membership at a gym, taking a trip whatever you really like to do. You may have to work on it, but you will find happiness in yourself.

I know how you feel,

I don't want my ex BF back but i'm still very much attached to him emotionally and financially, which sucks.

We are still in contact and get on very well only because a house is involved i don't want to keep pestering him to sign the transfer or give me the money he owes me, but my ex is very lazy and needs to be pushed.

I've tried the whole stop thinking about him thing but i still live in the house which was ours so everywhere i turn there is constance reminders of him and what we had.

I'm a member of a gym but never find the time to go or i can't be bothered as i work 12hr days which happens to be with my ex as well.

I'm getting better, but also feel i'll never find love again(sometimes).

Hey dE,

Yah - letting go takes some time... there's no set recipe or foolproof way to do it. We all have our ways. Do things you've always wanted to do but never had the chance to while you were with your ex, travel, a new hobby, etc...

Believe it or not, I'm still trying to let go of somethings with my ex - after 1.3 years!! I'm not worried though. I know I am always slow with these healing things. Its just the way I am.

Take care.

Kung uf fu

Emotionally I am still attached to him. I still have that nagging little voice in my head saying, "what if you never meet another guy that has the qualities you loved in him and desire in a mate?"

I see and hear things all around me that remind me of him, and bring that twinge of pain to my heart.

How do I break that emotional attachment?

In looking at my past history with relationships, I have come to believe that the only thing which really and truly helped me get over someone completely was to enter into a new and more satisfying relationship. I know this is not a healthy pattern, and I would like to really try and learn how to be okay with a break up without needing someone else to prove to me that he was not the last man alive for me.

-dE

I feel you on this one, for me it's like how much more going to the gym can I do? Howe much more new hobbies and interests can I develop? They keep you busy and keep you occupied but that void is still there far as I'm concerned.

The emotions fade in time but the void is still there until you enter a new relationship where you're happy and fulfilled again.

Oh boy! Well, if there was a real 'off-switch,' I guess we'd all be very happy. The fact is that there isn't. As others said, you've got to focus on yourself. Knowing that it's over with your ex is great--it means that you have a whole life ahead of you, with the possibility of meeting someone great... when the time's right...

I tend to spend a lot of time OUT of relationships because when one ends, I prefer to be alone to lick my wounds and to learn all there is to learn; it's also an opportunity to find yourself again.

Don't believe for a minute that you'll only be happy when you meet someone: for one thing, you could be miserable with the next person and then freak out because you're supposed to be happy; for another, you'll be so dependent on them for your happiness that if it doesn't work out, the pain will be immense. Your life is for living NOW. It's ok to be scared and apprehensive. It's also fine to grieve over lost loves. But never be in a hurry to replace them--you'll only be rubbing salt into the wound...

thanks for the advice everyone! It is really great to have your support.

loveseeker: you are so right about the possiblity of becoming dependent on someone else for happiness. I think that is my greatest worry, that I rely too much on a romantic partner for happiness. I am able to be happy on my own, I just tend to feel as though my life is so well complemented by a boyfriend who is not only compatible with my interests, but knows me well enough to offer productive insight to problems I am having.

I suppose the reason I feel this way is that I do not have many friends who I really feel comfortable talking to about issues, as I hate to feel as though I am burdening them with my problems. An important part of relationships to me is the mutual support they provide.

I definitely agree that one should not be in a hurry to replace a lost love, not only because it's rubbing salt in the wound, but because there is also that tendency to look for someone just like them, and that comes with its own host of problems.

I am trying right now to focus on getting my term papers written and studying for my exams, but it is hard not be overcome by loneliness sometimes, and wishing I still had this person in my life.

-dE

I so understand what you're saying, DE! I think it's good that you're trying to focus on your term papers etc right now. Perhaps focusing on the things that are going to help you to build a successful and happy life will help you to break the 'addiction,' you speak of.

And yes! Mutual support is vital in a relationship, but remember that just as you'd like your friends to be able to talk to you when things are tricky for them, they would like to support you. Of course, it's great when someone you love romantically 'gets' you, but when you feel understood by those around you generally, life is easier...

DE, I'm in the same situation. The breakup my girlfriend told me was for her to sort herself out emotionally has turned into her wanting to be with someone else and just not having the gut's to tell me.

Now I have trouble concentrating on anything... My brain thinks about her all the time and it's so annoying.

I believe as you do that I am better of without this partner and can see now that for the 6.5yrs we were together she was selfish beyond belief. However the connection is still there, I love her still and always wonder if she is ok, will she need me in the future and stuff like that.

Wish i could just "let go" but it is not that easy, my brain needs time to get used to my new routine. That she isn't here anymore when I wake, dinner is for 1 now and not 2. That i no longer have to think about someone else when making a decision.

I understand all this takes time and the amount of time is different for everyone but I am not gonna replace her with someone else so some of the pain goes away. I spoke to her the other day and she was telling me she didn't feel any pain about our breakup at all. I can guarantee that is because of this other bloke, it will hit her eventually when she realises her life is upside down and that I have moved on. Just need to make sure I am strong now if she comes knocking on my door again.

My advice to you is talk to as many people as you can about it, talking and getting a response is better than the pain and thinking you go through alone. Go out and have fun but know your limits, I sometimes go out and get to a point when I wish she was with me cos she would so enjoy it.

As for the will I meet someone who clicks with me so well and who has everything i'm looking for.... i'm not sure on that one. I'm kinda worried bout that myself. What I do know now though is that the ideal person for me is now someone different to the impression I had before because of the ex. thereforeeee if I do find them they are definitely gonna be better.