Batya33

LOLLL! Thanks for the chuckle. I think you mostly want to argue. Good luck to you and I hope some of my input helped.

Do you think it is equal to marriage? How so? And your turn meaning what -you have a city you want him to move to with you because you feel like it?

Please don't nag or push someone into marrying you. Or a halfhearted proposal. To me anyway an engagement is not official without a ring and a wedding date -at least a wedding month.

Friendship is voluntary. Nothing to refuse - simply decide that the way this group interacts is not a good fit for you. No need to criticize or judge. Or make this into right or wrong. Ask yourself- for future friendships -would you rather be right or close? I agree with Jaunty's input.

Same and I would not relocate anywhere. What was the purpose in moving in together? Did you each have the same purpose? To me his 5 year time line sounds arbitrary.

I would look at finishing a novel as the beginning of new adventures new perspectives and new mindsets. I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated about the past. My sister is 62 and we both loved Pink Floyd her especially ! Also she loved old genesis and king crimson. My sense is you tend to get intense about comments made by individuals including people you’ve never met etc. I’d work on avoiding that habitual path because it’s just not healthful to live - especially as a creative person - this focused on what others say.

Many groups tend to have a leader type. I wrote above my suggestions as an alternative to seeking out a group as opposed to making friends one on one.

When were you expected to arrive and when did you tell them you would be there? Why is it important to you to have a group of people who all want to do the same thing at the same time? Why not seek out individual friendships? It sounds like you and C don't have a lot in common and you don't like C. But they do. That can happen in groups of course. Group dynamics can change especially if one person's lifestyle is changing. I had friends who were unwilling to accommodate my new schedule when I had a baby, and who were unwilling to make only tentative plans when I worked very long and unpredictable hours from age 28-42. I had acquaintance groups. Monthly dinner/networking group, monthly book club meeting, like that but mostly I made plans one on one, or with other couples, or sometimes with 2 friends. If it's that important for you to have a "group" then accept that that is often harder to find -as you're seeing now in a group dynamic that is not working for you.

I think instinctively most people notice their surroundings -survival instinct and natural human condition -taking in your surroundings, noticing something particularly attractive or unusual - my son interrupts our morning conversations as we walk a mile to a bus stop to notice a beautiful bird or sometimes a cute dog being walked. He apologizes for interrupting. It's not instinctive at all IMO to stare -that is a choice -and it's offensive to men as a gender to suggest they can't help themselves but stare or ogle. This is why you don't see this happening let's say in a workplace during a meeting or a business lunch. People who want to behave in a thoughtful, respectful way and find themselves having started some bad habit - care enough to do the work so that they do not make others uncomfortable. People who are decent in their character and integrity want others around them to feel comfortable in their own skin even if something has developed into a bad habit. Habits aren't instincts either.

What I would do is go back to doing one on one things with A. He's a friend and this arrangement sounds more like activity focused than a friend group - you're hanging out together because of the game and the pub not because you're close friends with them. How often do you chat about personal stuff in between games? Also I don't blame them for how they behaved when you were late. I'm a person who is always timely barring a true and very rare emergency and it sounds like your expectations when you were late because of laundry were unrealistic.

Oh of course that wouldn't be your fault!!

Your interactions with Alex didn't sound like a healthy friendship or fun. Too one sided/caretaker stuff. Do you think some of them were concerned you were trying to date them or hook up with them?

Congrats on the 5k and thanks for explaining! Sounds frustrating to deal with -your brother's choices/perspective.

Does he treat his customers and employees this way too? I bet not. Do you have kids? I'd call it a day at some point -he doesn't seem to want to change his behavior.

I wouldn’t take it personally. You know he has autism and he has less control over his filters. I’ll let others with more knowledge chime in as to whether he’s doing enough to work on how he treats you and his level of sensitivity as far as getting overstimulated. My dad had a mental illness and poor social skills so he said some embarrassing and sometimes disrespectful stuff. However. He complied with therapy and meds plus he had a really good heart. He really meant well. And he was a doctor who really cares about his work and patients etc. It helped me forgive him - later in life especially- it was obvious he wanted the best for us. That went a long way. I am NOT saying autism or ASD is a mental illness at all. I’m simply saying I had intimate first hand experience with a family member with special needs and in his case a disability. I’m not meaning to apply wrong labels here. I have many friends with kids who are on the spectrum. if the way he treats you doesn’t work for you I’d leave. This I mean separately. Even if it’s because of or exacerbated by his autism you don’t have to date him or be in a serious relationship if it’s this much of a struggle. I’m sorry you’re frustrated. You seem to be twisting yourself in a pretzel to accommodate him.