Vulnerability

[Cardinal]

I feel vulnerable sometimes. Over the last few months I have come to realize this vulnerability impacts several areas of my life. If anything I am just looking for similar experiences or thoughts that might help explain it better.

 

When I am with a SO or with a group of people, I am often the last one asleep. This has been the case since I was a small boy at sleepovers. I am also the first one up in a group. Falling asleep with SO's has not exactly been a reality for me yet (rarely works). I notice the same feeling when if I see someone knocked unconsious in a fight. I noticed this by happenchance watching youtube stuff. It may be strongest in this situation. It is also the hardest to describe. But it is just that one emotion more or less that is so strong. I also think it inhibits my ability to orgasm from things like blowjobs and handjobs. This is why I think it has something to do with a loss of control.

 

Those are the main three areas that I feel it. I wouldn't be bringing this up except that getting a handle on that emotion has been difficult for me. And it does very much seem to have a negative impact in some areas of my life. Any similar experiences?

[Master Sasori]

Its the good ol control freak syndrome,

 

For example, your married, have children, one night the house is on fire, due to the extensive heat you can't go back into the house to save your wife and children, they burn alive and you are the only one left,

 

Same counts with that sleepover, you don't want the sleep to overpower you, same goes for the orgasm , you don't want that feeling to overtake you.

 

Now the reason that you want 100% control over the situation, and you are struck by fear when you lose control, wether it be 90%, then 80% down to zero, you feel you lose grip over the situation and are afraid you will lose yourself.

 

The conclusion:

 

You are not a God, at this moment you can't stay awake forever, you can't send a meteorite back into space with your sheer will power, you have a very unrealistic yet normal view that you could(or should be able) to control the entire situation with obscure will power, but when things don't go that way, you start to feel volunerable.

 

My advice:

 

Realise that your willpower has got nothing to do with it. Its like this, if all the conditions are there,something will happen,wether it be good or bad the system doesn't discriminate. There are things in life that you can control, and there are things in life that you cannot control, you shouldn't worry about the things you cannot control, let them go in your mind, that natural disaster won't stop purely because you want it, those trains colliding won't stop because you think its nasty.

 

After a long time i came to the realisation that free will doesn't exist. Its more of a sink or swim situation, you have to eat, you have to sleep, you have to commit to all kinds of conditions to survive, you can discard them, but at the cost of negative consequenses happening to you.

 

So just hide your vulnerabilities most of the time (only show them to people with good intentions so they don't make abuse of it) this is my standard quote tho:

 

You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.:

 

So exposing your vulnurabilities isn't bad as long as it is to the right people. Working on them is even better. Its all about drawing borders and allowing or disallowing certain feelings in or not.

[Cardinal]

Master Sasori,

 

Thanks for your well-reasoned reply! You are right. While I have very little desire to control other people, I am a major control freak when it comes to my actions and my body. I do fight so that sleep doesn't over power me. I also have competing desires. I don't have to fight hard. I am a night person. It is easy to find distractions at night. I even bolt out of bed when others are sleeping with me and I wake up. Perhaps the same vulnerability I feel being unconscious cropping up in the morning. Probably the best way for me to tackle the sleep issue is to create a legitimate need for it. Make it harder for me to fight it. Habituation would also help. If I slept with many people often, I would have to learn to deal. There would be no choice. Sleep or die trying. I am sleeping over at my g/f's parents place after a wedding next Saturday. I don't have to worry about sleeping with her in the same bed. But I have to admit, I almost felt fearful of sleeping with so many different people I barely know in the same house. The feeling of being unconsious in that situation is oddly tough for me to deal with.

 

You need to be like a castle gate closing yourself to bad people/things/events, and open yourself up to good people/things/events, if you let the enemy into your castle they will only end up destroying it(even if its family), and leaving you crying over the ruins.From there you can keep on crying, or rebuild your life, i advice you to rebuild your life.:

 

When I read this, I thought of one word. Shrewd. Maybe I was Jewish in another life. Good advice anyhow.

 

The way to solve this one may indeed be to focus my energies on things I can control and use that power to let go of the things I can't control. It appears I often do the opposite.